V
Vyxxxn
Short-N-Sweet
Q: What's the worst thing about being a lesbian?
A: Two wets spots
Q: What's the worst thing about being a lesbian?
A: Two wets spots
- Status
V
Vyxxxn
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Vyxxxn
V
Vyxxxn
Christian Pick-Up Lines
Honesty is like a kiss on the lips...and baby i never lie (Proverbs 24:26 "He who gives a right answer kisses the lips. ")
Hey baby, you wanna take the church van for a spin.
Has anyone ever told you, your eyes are like doves and your neck like the tower of David?
Excuse me, is this pew taken?
I don't speak in tongues, but i kiss that way.
God broke the mold when He made your sweet face.
Hello, will you be my shulamite?
Boy, you've really been a visual minister to me!
Do you know the difference between making out and a sermon? ... no? wanna go to church with me?
Hi, my name's will...God's will
[check the person's shirt tag] "just as i thought... made in heaven."
God was showing off when he made you.
I'm pretty flexible. i don't think a woman should be submissive on the first date.
I would like to pray with you
You know Jesus, me too
No, i'm not coveting, i intend to make you mine
How about a hug, sister?
Christians don't shake hands, christians gotta hug
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
What are your plans for tonight? feel like a Bible study?
The Word says "give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry", how about dinner?
You don't have an accountability partner? me neither.
You want to come over and watch the 10 commandments tonight?
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
Would you happen to know a christian woman that i could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?
Do you believe in divine appointment?
Have you ever tried praying at a drive in movie before?
Excuse me, i believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
My friend told me to come and meet you, He said that you are a really nice person. i think you know Him. Jesus, yeah thats His name.
Yeah i predicted david over goliath.
You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a christian.
What do you think paul meant when he said, "Greet one another with a holy kiss."? (1 Cor 16:20b nkjv)
You have the body of amy grant and the soul of mother teresa. (do not get this confused!)
NiceBible
Before tonight, i never believed in predestination.
Do you think "ask, and it shall be given you" is to be taken literally?
I practice our mission to "love one another" to the fullest extent
God told me to come talk to you
How do you feel about "it is more blessed to give than to receive"?
I think we should celebrate with a "love offering" tonight
When i saw you, i knew the true meaning of "rejoice and be glad"
I didn't know angels flew this low.
Excuse me, but can i drinkith from your cupith?
I think i feel the Holy Sprit, no, wait, i believe that may be you this time.
If eve was tempted by an apple than you must be my fruit.
That halo matches perfect with your eyes.
I must be dead and looking at the angel that is going to take me to heaven.
You put the "cute" back in persecution!
And here is an interesting if not amusing site
Honesty is like a kiss on the lips...and baby i never lie (Proverbs 24:26 "He who gives a right answer kisses the lips. ")
Hey baby, you wanna take the church van for a spin.
Has anyone ever told you, your eyes are like doves and your neck like the tower of David?
Excuse me, is this pew taken?
I don't speak in tongues, but i kiss that way.
God broke the mold when He made your sweet face.
Hello, will you be my shulamite?
Boy, you've really been a visual minister to me!
Do you know the difference between making out and a sermon? ... no? wanna go to church with me?
Hi, my name's will...God's will
[check the person's shirt tag] "just as i thought... made in heaven."
God was showing off when he made you.
I'm pretty flexible. i don't think a woman should be submissive on the first date.
I would like to pray with you
You know Jesus, me too
No, i'm not coveting, i intend to make you mine
How about a hug, sister?
Christians don't shake hands, christians gotta hug
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
What are your plans for tonight? feel like a Bible study?
The Word says "give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry", how about dinner?
You don't have an accountability partner? me neither.
You want to come over and watch the 10 commandments tonight?
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
Would you happen to know a christian woman that i could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?
Do you believe in divine appointment?
Have you ever tried praying at a drive in movie before?
Excuse me, i believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
My friend told me to come and meet you, He said that you are a really nice person. i think you know Him. Jesus, yeah thats His name.
Yeah i predicted david over goliath.
You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a christian.
What do you think paul meant when he said, "Greet one another with a holy kiss."? (1 Cor 16:20b nkjv)
You have the body of amy grant and the soul of mother teresa. (do not get this confused!)
NiceBible
Before tonight, i never believed in predestination.
Do you think "ask, and it shall be given you" is to be taken literally?
I practice our mission to "love one another" to the fullest extent
God told me to come talk to you
How do you feel about "it is more blessed to give than to receive"?
I think we should celebrate with a "love offering" tonight
When i saw you, i knew the true meaning of "rejoice and be glad"
I didn't know angels flew this low.
Excuse me, but can i drinkith from your cupith?
I think i feel the Holy Sprit, no, wait, i believe that may be you this time.
If eve was tempted by an apple than you must be my fruit.
That halo matches perfect with your eyes.
I must be dead and looking at the angel that is going to take me to heaven.
You put the "cute" back in persecution!
And here is an interesting if not amusing site
V
Vyxxxn
According to a sutdy at Hrravad Unerstiivy msot pelope can raed and unadetnrsd any mxied up wrod as lnog as the frsit leettr and the lsat lteter are in palce. This is bcesaue we raed wrods as a wolhe and not as leretts in oderr.
So y'oure smraetr tahn you thohgut hhu?
TRANSLATION: According to a study at Harvard University, most people can read and understand any mixed up word as long as the first and the last letter are in place. This is because we read words as a whole and not as letters in order. So you're smarter than you though, huh?
So y'oure smraetr tahn you thohgut hhu?
TRANSLATION: According to a study at Harvard University, most people can read and understand any mixed up word as long as the first and the last letter are in place. This is because we read words as a whole and not as letters in order. So you're smarter than you though, huh?
L
lana
Did I Hear You Right ?
> A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over
> his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a 4-hour operation.
> A young nurse appears in his room to sponge his hands and feet.
> "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
> Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash
> your hands and feet."
> He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
> Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in
> one hand and his testicles in the other hand, takes a close look and says,
> "There's nothing wrong with them!"
> The man removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was really
> nice, but listen very, very closely, 'Are...my...test...results...back?'"
Lana
> A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over
> his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a 4-hour operation.
> A young nurse appears in his room to sponge his hands and feet.
> "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
> Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash
> your hands and feet."
> He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
> Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in
> one hand and his testicles in the other hand, takes a close look and says,
> "There's nothing wrong with them!"
> The man removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was really
> nice, but listen very, very closely, 'Are...my...test...results...back?'"
Lana
L
lana
Silent Treatment!!!
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at
5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
LANA xxx
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at
5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
LANA xxx
L
lana
Pet Diaries!!!
I found this very funny, i had to share it!! I think i have now w orked out my cat
> A Dog's Diary
>
> 7am - Oh Boy! Breakfast! My favorite!
>
> 9am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
>
> 10am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
>
> 11am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
>
> Noon - Oh Boy! A nap! My favorite!
>
> 1pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
>
> 3pm - Oh Boy! Animal Planet! My favorite!
>
> 4pm - Oh Boy! Dinner! My favorite!
>
> 5pm - Oh Boy! Grandma! My favorite!
>
> 6pm - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
>
> 7pm - Oh Boy! Playing with my "baby"! My favorite!
>
> 9pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in Dana's bed! My favorite!
>
>
>
> A Cat's Diary
>
>
> Day 183 of my captivity....
>
> My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
> dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,
> while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that
> keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
> satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of
> furniture.
>
> Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my
> attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet
> while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this
> at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and
> repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced
> myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on
> their bed.
>
> Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless
> body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am
> capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts.
> They only cooed and commented about what a good little
> kitty I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
>
> There was some sort of gathering of their
> accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement
> throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise
> and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my
> confinement was because of my power of "allergies." Must
> learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
>
> I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and
> maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems
> more than happy to return. He is obviously an idiot. The
> bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and
> speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
> every move. Due to his current placement in the metal
> room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only
> a matter of time....
Lana
I found this very funny, i had to share it!! I think i have now w orked out my cat
> A Dog's Diary
>
> 7am - Oh Boy! Breakfast! My favorite!
>
> 9am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
>
> 10am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
>
> 11am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
>
> Noon - Oh Boy! A nap! My favorite!
>
> 1pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
>
> 3pm - Oh Boy! Animal Planet! My favorite!
>
> 4pm - Oh Boy! Dinner! My favorite!
>
> 5pm - Oh Boy! Grandma! My favorite!
>
> 6pm - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
>
> 7pm - Oh Boy! Playing with my "baby"! My favorite!
>
> 9pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in Dana's bed! My favorite!
>
>
>
> A Cat's Diary
>
>
> Day 183 of my captivity....
>
> My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
> dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,
> while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that
> keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
> satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of
> furniture.
>
> Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my
> attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet
> while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this
> at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and
> repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced
> myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on
> their bed.
>
> Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless
> body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am
> capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts.
> They only cooed and commented about what a good little
> kitty I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
>
> There was some sort of gathering of their
> accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement
> throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise
> and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my
> confinement was because of my power of "allergies." Must
> learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
>
> I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and
> maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems
> more than happy to return. He is obviously an idiot. The
> bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and
> speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
> every move. Due to his current placement in the metal
> room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only
> a matter of time....
Lana
L
lana
Some Michael Jackson jokes, a bit sick!!
Why did Michael Jackson ring Boys2Men ?
He thought they were a delivery service
How do you know when it's bedtime at Neverland?
When the big hand is on the little hand.
What's the difference between MJ and Acne?
Acne doesn't come on your face til you're a teenager.
What's the difference between MJ and greyhound racing?
The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.
lana
Why did Michael Jackson ring Boys2Men ?
He thought they were a delivery service
How do you know when it's bedtime at Neverland?
When the big hand is on the little hand.
What's the difference between MJ and Acne?
Acne doesn't come on your face til you're a teenager.
What's the difference between MJ and greyhound racing?
The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.
lana
M
melly bear
Playing Doctor
Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."
M
melly bear
Poor Old Man
This old man goes to the doctor's.
"Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all she wants to do is have sex all day long."
"So what's the problem?"
"I can't remember where I live."
This old man goes to the doctor's.
"Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all she wants to do is have sex all day long."
"So what's the problem?"
"I can't remember where I live."
M
melly bear
The Test
A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.
The engineer went in first and was asked, ''''What is 2+2?'''' The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, ''''4.''''
Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied, ''''4.0''''
Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, ''''What do you want it to be?''''
A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test.
The engineer went in first and was asked, ''''What is 2+2?'''' The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, ''''4.''''
Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question. With little thought he replied, ''''4.0''''
Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question. The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, ''''What do you want it to be?''''
M
melly bear
Peopling the Earth
A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.
"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"
"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.
"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"
"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"
M
melly bear
One Hell of a Headache
The doctor said, "Good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16 and half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
The doctor said, "Good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16 and half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
P
PinkPoodle
Personal Ad
The Metro Times runs a competition for the best personal ad, and gives a gift certificate to a local music store as the prize. This one won in the latest issue.
I am a black woman.
With children being slaughtered in Rowanda, what difference does it make how big my breasts are, how long my legs are, how much money you or I make?
To hell with the long walks, holding hands, candle lit dinners, and all the other crap that people never continue doing after the first date anyway, that didn't even take place in Cinderella, ( I've seen the movie ).
If there is a man out there who: Isn't a crack head or a crack dealer, Isn't an alcoholic, doesn't have any kids, doesn't smoke, doesn't beat women, isn't wearing women's underwear as you're reading this ad, isn't a liar, isn't looking for fun behind his wifes back, isn't into being hit, peed on or tied up while having sex, doesn't want to hit, pee on or tie me up while having sex, likes having sex, CAN have sex. Is not in jail, on probation, has a court date pending, isn't a misogynist, racist, classist, elitist, lawyer, politician, member of the military, policeman, bible boy, or pompous ass. Call me.
What you have to be is HONEST, HONEST, HONEST !!! If You're Out There, If You Exist, Call Me. Please don't make me give up on men.
The Metro Times runs a competition for the best personal ad, and gives a gift certificate to a local music store as the prize. This one won in the latest issue.
I am a black woman.
With children being slaughtered in Rowanda, what difference does it make how big my breasts are, how long my legs are, how much money you or I make?
To hell with the long walks, holding hands, candle lit dinners, and all the other crap that people never continue doing after the first date anyway, that didn't even take place in Cinderella, ( I've seen the movie ).
If there is a man out there who: Isn't a crack head or a crack dealer, Isn't an alcoholic, doesn't have any kids, doesn't smoke, doesn't beat women, isn't wearing women's underwear as you're reading this ad, isn't a liar, isn't looking for fun behind his wifes back, isn't into being hit, peed on or tied up while having sex, doesn't want to hit, pee on or tie me up while having sex, likes having sex, CAN have sex. Is not in jail, on probation, has a court date pending, isn't a misogynist, racist, classist, elitist, lawyer, politician, member of the military, policeman, bible boy, or pompous ass. Call me.
What you have to be is HONEST, HONEST, HONEST !!! If You're Out There, If You Exist, Call Me. Please don't make me give up on men.
P
PinkPoodle
Drunk Man
A drunk man who smelt like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and a lack of a bath."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
A drunk man who smelt like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and a lack of a bath."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
P
PinkPoodle
Four Catholic Ladies
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends,
"My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say , 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous 6'2" , hard bodied Stripper. When he walks into a room people say, Oh My God."
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends,
"My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say , 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous 6'2" , hard bodied Stripper. When he walks into a room people say, Oh My God."
V
Vyxxxn
ANCIENT CONFUSED WISDOM
* Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
* Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
* A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
* Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
* Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
* Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
* A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
* In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
* She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
* A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
* If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
* With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
* When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
* The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
* You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
* Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
* He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
* Every calendar's days are numbered.
* A lot of money is tainted - It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
* A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
* A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
* Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
* Acupuncture is a jab well done
* Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
* Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
* A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
* Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
* Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
* Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
* A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
* In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
* She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
* A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
* If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
* With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
* When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
* The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
* You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
* Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
* He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
* Every calendar's days are numbered.
* A lot of money is tainted - It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
* A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
* A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
* Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
* Acupuncture is a jab well done
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The penis
Go to this site and everyone should have a chuckle about it i thought it was good. :hello:
www.funnyinside.com/mlpic481.shtml
Go to this site and everyone should have a chuckle about it i thought it was good. :hello:
www.funnyinside.com/mlpic481.shtml
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Banana Split
Foundation Member
- Points
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Urban Myth?
Phil wanted to know wether having sex on a boat produces more semen!!!!!
:icon_blow
Phil wanted to know wether having sex on a boat produces more semen!!!!!
:icon_blow
M
Mary Anne PA
S
sweet_as
we all live in a yellow submarine...
so do you play submarines out at sea too...'prepare to dive, prepare to dive'....'periscope up'...'all aboard...we are about to launch'...'fire all torpedos'...lol..
so do you play submarines out at sea too...'prepare to dive, prepare to dive'....'periscope up'...'all aboard...we are about to launch'...'fire all torpedos'...lol..
P
PinkPoodle
24 Hours
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now only have 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now only has 8 hours left.
He touches his wife on the shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please, just one more time before I die."
She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session , the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....".
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen I have to get up in the morning. You Don't!"
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now only have 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now only has 8 hours left.
He touches his wife on the shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please, just one more time before I die."
She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session , the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....".
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen I have to get up in the morning. You Don't!"
P
PinkPoodle
A Serious Medical Condition
Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.
"Oh God," said the Queen, "That's disgraceful. What is the meaning of this.?"
The Doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious medical condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die."
"Oh I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."
On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.
"Oh My God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"
The doctor replied, "Same Problem, Better Health Plan."
Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.
"Oh God," said the Queen, "That's disgraceful. What is the meaning of this.?"
The Doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious medical condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die."
"Oh I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."
On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.
"Oh My God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"
The doctor replied, "Same Problem, Better Health Plan."
J
Jentleman Jim
Oldy but a goody
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, Dark in here.
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - I have a baseball.
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - Want to buy it?
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - My dad's outside.
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - $250
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - Dark in here.
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - I have a baseball glove. The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - $750
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove. The father asks, How much did you sell them for? Boy -$1,000
The father says, That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh!t again, you're in my closet now."
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, Dark in here.
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - I have a baseball.
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - Want to buy it?
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - My dad's outside.
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - $250
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - Dark in here.
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - I have a baseball glove. The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - $750
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove. The father asks, How much did you sell them for? Boy -$1,000
The father says, That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh!t again, you're in my closet now."
J
Jentleman Jim
another oldy
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue
needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean,
were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't
Paddy".
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to
identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over".
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,"No, it ain't
Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.
"Yup" said Sean, "Everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went
into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....!" :iamwithst
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue
needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean,
were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't
Paddy".
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to
identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over".
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,"No, it ain't
Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.
"Yup" said Sean, "Everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went
into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....!" :iamwithst
V
Vyxxxn
H
Hugh Jorn
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