Smile

[Lisa]

Jokes

Trying to Have Sex:​

TO MY DEAR WIFE,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbours would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because

6 times you just lay there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished,

And one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.


TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:undefined

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home
21 times you didn't come
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV


Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

 

[spice-me]

just a few funnies to see


Spice-Me

 

[spice-me]

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office Christmas party. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-- Love you
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night."
Jack son answers "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door!"
Jack says, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a red rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed," 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!' "

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless

 

[Vyxxxn]

Love it Spice hahaha...sure IS priceless that one

 

[PinkPoodle]

Prison Break

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the husband out of bed and ties him up in the chair. While tying the wife up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, ''Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.''

To which the wife responds, ''He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey, I love you too.''

 

[Amanda]

Smoking Protection

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

 

[Vyxxxn]

Fr34k1n Funny as Amanda hee hee

 

[PinkPoodle]

Show Me Your Licence

An old lady in a nursing home is tearing down the hall in her electric wheelchair when all of a sudden an old man jumps out of a room in front of her: He says, "Show me your licence."

So the woman pulls out a lolly wrapper out of her handbag and gives it to the man. The old man checks the lolly wrapper and says, "Very well then, and don't let me catch you speeding again," so the old lady goes off down the hallway again.

A little while later the old lady is speeding again. Again she goes past a room and the old man jumps out in front of her. "Show me your registration papers" said the old man.

This time the old lady pulls out a shopper docket out of her handbag and hands it to the old man. He checks it and then hands it back to her and says, "Very well, be on your way and don't let me catch you speeding again."

The old lady puts the shopper docket back in her bag and drives off. A little while later she is speeding again and as before the old man jumps out of a room in front of her. This time he is stark naked.

The old woman takes one long look at him and says:
"Oh no, not the breathalyzer test again."

 

[PinkPoodle]

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her age she was still a virgin.
She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone.

"Born as a virgin, Lived as a virgin, Died a virgin."

Not long after the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said.

The men went to carve it in , but as the lazy no- goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.

They simply wrote: "Returned Unopened."

 

[PinkPoodle]

A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train.

Along came this woman seeing these two cute babies, started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, What are their names."

The man giving the lady an angry look replied: "I don't know."

The lady asked again, "Which is a boy and which is a girl?"

The man looking angrier then before replied: "I don't know."

The woman then started to scold the man: "What kind of a father are you?"

The man replied: "I'm not their father, I'm just a condom salesman and these are complaints that I am taking back to my company."

 

[PinkPoodle]

After a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor stood solomnly at her bedside, and said:

"I have something I must tell you about your baby."

"What's wrong", the alarmed mother asked.

"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

"What is that?"

"It means that your baby has both male and female parts."

"Oh my goodness , that's wonderful" , the woman exclaimed.

"You mean that it has a penis and a brain?, that doesn't happen often."

 

[PinkPoodle]

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic Church and sat down in a confession box, and said nothing.

The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.

The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knockin', mate, there's no paper in this one either."

 

[dangermouse]

funnies

just some funny pics i have laying around, not sure if anyones interested though, but have a squiz ;p

 

[Mary Anne PA]

now they ARE cool... especially the frypan one.. LOL

 

[dangermouse]

more

and a couple more

 

[lickedysplit]

rofl keep em coming

 

[dangermouse]

lol you want more?

 

[Wildcat]

omg. i love the school bus one. who in the hell would authorise something like that?? :nono: but the chick trying to do sit ups??? well mine arent that big but god...imagine that!!! and as far at the ride goes...i would be staying the hell away from something with a name like that...

 

[spice-me]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming.One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" Neil says to Bob. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy." The nurse says, "He's happy now. But just wait until we take the dummy out of his arse!

 

[KateandGrae]

Here's one from our collection

 

[cutensexy]

most of mine are too big!!!!! heres some for now!

 

[Vyxxxn]

Lurrrrrv the frypan one, watta classic

 

[Wildcat]

a few more

these r a couple of ours...the second one is actually a girl...if any didnt know that...the caption for it was "women are all dicks really"


but vyxxxn...the board with the male / female switches is SO accurate!!! lol

 

[Vyxxxn]

Boyz & their Toyz *sigh*

 

[Raveninoz]

funny pics

ok here some funny pics for u

 

[MASTER WIZARD]

boy f***ks bike

In the same theme

 

[Raveninoz]

pics

hmmmmmm
remind me not to let kids ride with mum again

 

[PinkPoodle]

What are the Chemical Properties of Women?

Substance: Women

Chemical system: Wow

Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban area's and shopping malls.

PHYISICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface Tension - Soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason
6. Flavour initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied to certain points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substances can cause substance to reproduce
with marked physical and mental changes.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has affinity for gold, silver and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantity of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known.

COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimens.

HAZARDS
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards.

 

[PinkPoodle]

The Pianist

The Pianist

A man with Tourette's syndrome walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

"Where's the pissing, motherf***ing manager, you cocks***ing arsewipe?" he enquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies,
"Excuse me sir, but could you refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes and the bloke asks,
"Are you the chicken-f***ing manager of this bastard place?"

"Yes sir, I am," replies the manager, but I would prefer it if you refrain from speaking such profanities in this restaurant."

"F***k off," replies the bloke, "and where's the f****ng piano?"

"Pardon?" says the manager.

"F***ing deaf as well, are we?! You snivelling little piece of S**t, show me your C***ing piano!"

"Ah," replies the manager, you've come about the pianist job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I f***ing can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager ever heard.

"That's superb. What's it called?"

"I Tried to Shag Yer Missus On The Sofa But The Springs Kept Hurting My Dick," replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

"I Wanted A Wank Over The Washing Machine But I Got My Balls Caught In The Soap Drawer."

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads.

The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard, "And what's this called," asks the manager.

"As I F**k You Under The Stars With The Moonlight Shining Off Your Hairy Ring-Piece," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the blokes language but offers him the job on the condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little "G" string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin.
It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the gents for a wank.

He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice.
"Where's that bloody pianist??!"

He just has time to finish, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, having not bothered to ajust himself properly, sits down, and starts playing some more tunes.

The woman steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your knob's hanging out of your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?"

The bloke replies, "Know It?....I F***ing wrote it!"

 

[Vyxxxn]