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PinkPoodle

If Men Wrote Problem Pages

If Men Wrote Problem Pages

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can settle for the next best thing, your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your friends involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you are still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two.
(It's a great time to clean the house too! ) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to a stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood.
Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you could make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you have forgotten to cook him a nice meal!
 
V

Vyxxxn

WattaCrackUp

Haven't heard that one b4 OMG near lost me brew over the keyboard laughing, neighbours must wonder wat goes on ova here sometimes at this time-a the morn ;) Thanx Teneil

twitchingdix3gk.gif
 
V

Vyxxxn

A Thinking Woman

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn.
The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although she's not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up along side the woman and says "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book." she replies (thinking isn't that obvious?)
"You're in a restricted fishing area." he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault." says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you." says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day Ma'am." And the game warden left.
 
M

melly bear

Chicken Surprise

A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.
They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special Chicken Surprise.

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Jesus, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and this time he sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid firmly slams back down.

Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

"Well sir", says the waiter, "What did you order?"

"We both chose the same", he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."

"Oh I do apologise, this is my fault" says the waiter ...

"I've brought you the Peking Duck......."
 
P

PinkPoodle

Ethel

Two women were talking about their lives since they became Nursing home residents.

They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died since she and her Husband came to the nursing home.

The other woman said her sex life was great!

"The secret to a great sex life is this," the woman told her.

"When my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head.

When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex for the rest of the night!"

Ethel says, ""I'm going to try that tonight!"

When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg behind her head.
Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well.

After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls back and can't move.

It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom.

With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells,

"For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, You look like an asshole!"
 
P

PinkPoodle

You Used To Kiss Me

An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, and gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my Teeth."
 
A

Amanda

You're gonna love this!

<DIV><FONT face=arial size=4><I>An older lady was somewhat lonely and
decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she
went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest,
except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he
winked at her.</FONT><FONT face=arial size=2> </I></FONT><BR>
<FONT face=arial size=2><I><BR>
<IMG src="http://www.swingersclub.com.au/pictures/frog1.jpg"><BR>
<BR></I></FONT><FONT face=arial size=5>He whispered ,
</FONT><FONT face=arial color=#008000 size=5>"I'M LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU
WON'T BE SORRY." </FONT><BR>
<FONT face=arial color=#008000 size=5><BR></FONT>
<FONT face=arial size=5><BR>The old lady figured--WHAT THE
HECK, she hadn't found anything else. <BR><BR>She bought the frog and put
him in the car. <BR><BR>Driving down the road the frog whispered to her
"</FONT><FONT face=arial color=#008000 size=5>KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE
SORRY</FONT><FONT face=arial size=5>."</FONT>
<FONT face=verdana size=2><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR></FONT>
<FONT face=verdana size=4><I>So the old
lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.</FONT>
<FONT face=verdana size=2> <BR><BR><BR>
<IMG src="http://www.swingersclub.com.au/pictures/frog2.jpg"></FONT><BR>
<FONT face=verdana size=2><BR></FONT>
<FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=5>IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely
gorgeous sexy young handsome prince. </FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=5><BR>THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD
LADY BACK.........AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?</FONT>
<FONT face=arial><BR></FONT><FONT face=arial color=#505050 size=2>
<BR></FONT><FONT face=arial size=2>
<BR></FONT><FONT face=arial size=4><B><BR></FONT>
<FONT face=verdana size=2>COME ON GUESS? <BR></B></FONT>
<FONT face=arial color=#505050><BR><BR></FONT>
<FONT face=verdana size=2><B><BR><BR></FONT>
<FONT face="Comic Sans MS" size=2>OOOOOOOHHHHHHH
COME ON <BR></B></FONT>
<FONT face=arial color=#505050><BR></FONT>
<FONT face=arial color=#0000ff size=2><B><I>&nbsp;</I></B></FONT>
<FONT face=arial color=#505050><BR><BR></FONT>
<FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#ff0000 size=6><B>SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND. <BR></FONT>
<FONT face="Comic Sans MS" color=#ff0000><BR><BR></FONT>
<FONT face=verdana size=2><I><FONT size=5>She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!! <BR></FONT><BR>
<IMG src="http://www.swingersclub.com.au/pictures/frog3.jpg"></I></B></FONT><BR>
<FONT face=arial><B><BR></DIV></B></FONT></BLOCKQUOTE></BLOCKQUOTE>
 
C

Cameron2

LOL .... yeah I like that.
I guess there was still some life left in her !
 
S

southwestozyguy

this explains alot

this explains the old saying of put something on b4 you take someones eye out lol ;D ;D ;D
 

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P

PinkPoodle

Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.

She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was totally shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained.

"It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in -law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to come home.

Finally, he husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing? he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs Ironing."
 
P

PinkPoodle

Mother-In-Law

A man returned home one night from night shift and went straight up to the bedroom.

He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.

Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh My God," his wife gasped,

"That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for a while."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom.

"Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed,

"I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!"
 
A

Amanda

What's the definition of mixed emotions?????


When your mother-in-law drives off a cliff in your new BMW :p
 
P

PinkPoodle

Gaining Weight

Gaining Weight

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight.

"Gaining a little weight, are we, Sister Susan? he asked.

"No Father, just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.

A month or so later the priest noticed she had gained even more weight.

"Gaining some more weight, are we, Sister Susan? he asked again.

"Oh no Father, just a little gas," she replied again.

A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.

He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said:

"Cute little fart."
 
P

PinkPoodle

Job Interview

Job Interview

Sum Ting Wong went for a job interview to be a secretary.

When the manager saw Sum Ting Wong's colourful attire and gold and white High-lighted hair, his mind was screaming, "NOT THIS WOMAN.''

Nevertheless, he still had to entertain Sum Ting Wong.

So he told Sum Ting Wong,

"If you can form a sentence using the words that I give you, then maybe I'll give you a chance!

"The words are: GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE AND BLACK."

Sum Ting Wong thought for a while and said:

"I hear the phone, GREEN, GREEN, GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone,
I say, YELLOW, BLUE'S that? WHITE did you say? Aiyah, wrong number, lah,....Don't PURPLEly disturb people and don't call BLACK, OK? Thank You."
 
H

Holly

Holly Funnies

made me laugh
 

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O

Oscar

He,He,He,

Very good,especialy 3&4(lots more than a chuckle!!) keep em coming ! :laughing1 :laughing4
 
K

KateandGrae

Not in my job description

This made me laugh...

"Not in my job description".


" I draw lines, I don't move trees"
 

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J

Jentleman Jim

a bit corny but still give you a smile

Subject: Lone Ranger and Tonto







Subject: Lone Ranger and Tonto



The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big
white horse outside?



"The Lone Ranger said, "I do, Why?"



The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is just
about dead outside!"



The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was about
to die from heat exhaustion.The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was
starting to feel a little better.



The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and said, "I want you to run around Silver and
see if you can create enough of a breeze to help cool him down"



Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and begins running circles around Silver.



Unable to do anything except wait, the Lone Ranger returns to the bar to finish
his drink.



A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns
that big white horse out side?" The Lone Ranger stands and claims,
"I do, what's wrong with him this time?



The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,..!



(...I JUST LOVE THIS...)



Scroll down.......







Keep going......




your almost there












"Nothing,' but you left your Injun running :cya:
 
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