Smile

[PinkPoodle]

fireman sex
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. 'From now on when I say to you, BELL 1 I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3 we are going to make love all night. 'The next night he came home from work and yelled 'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!' 'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband? 'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied 'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

 

[PinkPoodle]

A Pakistani family in Warrington was considering putting their grandfather (Gupta) in a nursing home.

All the Moslem facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an British style OAP's home.

After a few weeks in the home, they came to visit grandpa.

'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.

'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful, 'says grandpa.

'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'

'Oh no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents....', Gupta says with a big smile. '.....There's a musician here and he hasn't played his violin for over forty years and they call him Maestro. There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'. There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'..................... And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fu**ing Paki....'

 

[PinkPoodle]

Irish burial.

Irish burial. Two Irish brothers Mick and Paddy have made a promise to their uncle. Well they had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and a while before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea. Of course he did pass away and the "boys" remembered to keep their promise. So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat

After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?" Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to his knees. "Dis'll never do Mick, let's row some more". After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row. Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?"

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No dis'll neva do".............The water was only up to his chest. So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears! Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"
"Aye it tis! Can yer hand me da shovel."

 

[kowboy61]

Re: Hehehe

Hey AsianOzCple,

Do you belong to Literotica? If so check out the Laughter is Contagious thread. There are lots of humorous things posted there.

 

[DT4eva]

no come work today

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today.



I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you
today.
When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'


Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say, I feel
great. I be work soon..........you got nice house.

 

[ultimateFX]

Re: no come work today

HAHAHAHA
very funny, im going to be telling that all week

 

[Bluegrass9]

Re: no come work today

Boom boom! I remember a true story when a group of guys were working in a lane way. A pretty lady was hanging out her washing. One guy says,"I am going to knock her off," and jumped the fence. He returned one hour later with a smile on his face.

Two hours passed before another guy from the group had enough courage to jump the fence but returned in seconds. Alas he learnt the pretty lady was the other guys wife.
:walk:

 

[kristivera]

Re: Short story

oh lordy, i love sex jokes and stories

 

[osscar]

annuale a very funny clip

a very funny clip hope you enjoy Annuale - SNL on Vimeo

 

[Sir Stefan]

Humour

Sorry, don't mean to offend anyone... but this tickled my fancy so thought I would share with our forum friends...

THE TRUCKIE

A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops

into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie .

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,

I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you

could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . ... I'm homesick.

 

[Curious1]

Re: Humour

After years of investigation into 9/11, the Americans found it wasnt Terrorists who attacked the twin towers. It was 2 Irish builders fitting a door on the 44th floor.
The door wouldnt fit so Mick told Paddy to 'Fetch a plane and take a bit off the top'.

 

[Bluegrass9]

Re: Humour

To be sure to be sure. I like it.
:walk:

 

[girl99]

Re: Humour

keep up the jokes guys i'm just posting to subscribe to the thread, may contribute later

 

[bdouble77]

Re: Humour

What's the diference between anal sex and a microwave?


A microwave doesn't brown your meat...

 

[Bluegrass9]

Re: Humour

Two small boys around eight wanted to see what it was like to have sex so decided to go to a brothel.

After breaking their piggy banks they had a grand total of $10.

So up the stairs they climbed to reach the brothel and knocked on the door.
A lady appeared and looked down at them.

One boy told her they had $10 and wanted sex,

The lady threw them down the stairs and slammed the door behind her.

After helping each other up one said,"I am so glad we only had $10, imagine what we would have got for $200?
:walk:

 

[Sir Stefan]

Re: Humour

A guy & a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off hisTrousers and washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says,'You must be A dentist.'

The guy, surprised, says 'Yes.....how did you Figure that out?

'Easy,' she replied, 'you keep washing your hands.'

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they are done, the girl says, 'You must be a very good dentist.'

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, 'Sure, I'm a very good dentist.
How did you figure that out?'


'Oh that bit was easy, says the girl.... I didn't feel a thing'

 

[LouiseT]

Re: Humour

Two ducks are on honeymoon in a hotel. The male duck realises he has no condoms so telephones down to reception and asks for three to be sent to his room. The receptionist asks if he wants them put on his bill. He replies "Don't be f***ing stupid... I'll suffocate!"

 

[Curious1]

Re: Humour

A poem sung to the jingle bells tune:

Charging through the snow in a V8 Wonder sled,
crashing into trees coz im off my fucking head.
Been smoking billy's to, ive had beer n more,
im heading to the red zone to get myself a whore.
Jingle bells, jingle bells, santa's smoking weed,
Mrs Clause is on the floor she's overdoesed on speed.
Blitzen's fucked, the elves are too,
they're peaking off their heads & if rudolf snorts another line, the prick'll wind up dead!

Happy festive season folks!!

 

[Curious1]

Re: Humour

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."



Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.


I was walking down the road in Kabul when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"



I have soooooo many jokes but some might be deemed 'wrong' and 'inappropriate"

 

[Stubbies]

Re: Humour

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is..

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'




A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet".

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says,

"There's nothing wrong with them Sir".

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thanks you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely "Are- my- test- results- back?"

 

[Sir Stefan]

Re: Humour

Well done forum Followers, I can see this thread has already proved popular and some very good 'sex based' jokes have already been posted...so I will now make this thread into a 'sticky'.... and please keep on posting!

 

[girl99]

Re: Humour

whats the similarity between an onion and a 12 inch cock?

both will make your eyes water


a middle aged man sits in the kitchen looking kinda down in the dumps, his wife comes over and wishes him a happy 30th anniversary to which he suddenly bursts out crying. 'whats wrong' she asks, his reply was 'i would have done less time for murder'

 

[Stubbies]

Re: Humour

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him,

"I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do no matter how kinky, for $100. On one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said...........

"Paint my house."




Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or
playing basketball at the gym.

His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday
she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya
doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh
no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
Budweiser.

His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says,
"You must come here a lot for that woman to know that you drink
Budweiser."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with
them." says Dave.

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
"Hi Wavey Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real
bitch tonight, Dave!"



Some things you really needed to Know !!!

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you "broke wind" consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour. (Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

 

[Stubbies]

Re: Humour

Just a few old favourites...


Diary of a Pom immigrating to Perth, Western Australia...


August 31st: Just got transferred with work into our new home in Perth!!Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the veranda.
It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th: Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants
today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 30 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer that I expected...

October 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th: I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I
left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat shit. I learned my lessonthough. No more pets in this heat.

October 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $450,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th: its 35 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30.

Stupid repairman.

I hate this stupid place.

November 8th: If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you
today?", I'm going to strangle him. Bloody heat.

By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th: Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.

November 10th: The weather report might as well be a bloody recording.
Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place?

Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might
dry up and blow into the bloody pool. Even the palms can't live in this heat.

November 14th: Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 38 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, Hot enough for you today? My wife had to spend the $2,500 house payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the repairman.

Bloody Perth!!!!

What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

December 1st: WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer????

You are f * *king kidding!!!!!!!!



A bloke was speeding and a young cop new on the job pulled him over.

The cop says, “show us your license please”, and the bloke replies, “I don’t have a license I lost it for drink driving”.

“What?” Says the cop, “give me a look at the registration of the car then”.

The bloke opens up the glove box and says, “it’s not in here”, and "I don’t know where the owner would keep it. It’s not my car; I stole it about an Hour ago after I robbed the bottle-shop for more grog. I tend to do stuff like that when I’mbleep& excited".

“What are you so excited about? You’re about to go to jail you moron”.

“Well I’m very excited because I just killed my wife and I’m off to bury her right now, her body is in the boot.”.

Sensing he needed backup the young cop radioed for the Sergeants help.

The sergeant arrived and the young copper explained the situation.

“He said he is drunk and… and… stole the car and robbed the… the… bottle-shop and killed his… his… wife and… and… and… hasn’t got a license and… and…” puffed the young copper

“Well well well” said the Sergeant lets put you on the breath tester shall we.

The bloke blew .00

The sergeant was a little puzzled but did a check on the car anyway. The car came back as registered to ‘the bloke’ who then produced his driving license.

The Sergeant was even more puzzled so he did a check and no bottle-shop had been robbed that day?

“Ok Ok just pop open the trunk and let’s have a gander inside there mate,” the sergeant said. So the bloke opens the trunk and it was empty and even neat & tidy?

The sergeant looks at the young copper and shrugs his shoulders?

The bloke says, “Clearly this young copper is a liar. The next thing he’ll probably say is that I was speeding.



Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration.
The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green ..... green, green and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works at a Telstra help desk.

 

[Stubbies]

Re: Humour

A man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.




What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.





A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels whisky and women with big tits."






AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE...

IN GENERAL

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to
take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour
slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one
hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
a taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in
private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the
taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention
away from your jewellery.

DATING

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first
date.


2. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some
will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the
answer, this can mean they don't want her back, careful!!!

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after
the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests
have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in
your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered
out of place)

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a
cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky
appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the
occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's
loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar
doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's
impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

 

[Curious1]

Re: Humour

To much reading to be done in this thread, lets meelow it down with pictures and minimum reading.

 

[Curious1]

Re: Humour

Just a few more....and now im just typing for the hell of it to make enough characters as apparently just saying 'Just a few more' does not cut the mustard around here.....hopefully this does because i really cant think of anything else to write....i might have to receipt psalm's.....yeah right, like i know any! :angel12:

 

[Sir Stefan]

Re: Humour

A man leaves work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his Daughter's Birthday.
So.... He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person,

'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have:
Work Out Barbie for $19.95

Shopping Barbie for $19.95

Beach Barbie for $19.95

Disco Barbie for $19.95

Ballerina Barbie for $19.95

Astronaut Barbie for $19.95

Skater Barbie for $19.95,
and
Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed Father says " What?!.... Why the hell is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesman rolls his eyes, sighs, and answers:

'Sir...,Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture,

Ken's Computer, and a key chain made with Ken's balls’

 

[Curious1]

Re: Humour

lol

Love is Grand.....divorce is 200 grand.

 

[Stubbies]

Re: Humour