• Lots of naked NEW Members on the forum plz add an AVATAR we are adding them if you don't if you don't like change them.

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PinkPoodle

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why !

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :

Psycho-
the-
rapist.
 
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PinkPoodle

Going Back To School

A polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.
The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”

The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
 
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PinkPoodle

"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?"

"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."

A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating. "Is there any doubt what he was doing?"

"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear that he was following you."
 
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PinkPoodle

MEMO FROM GOD….

To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: THE BOSS
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE

I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please
remember that I do not need your help.

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don’t despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it’s like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn’t live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people’s bitterness,
ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!

Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you, you may have touched their life in ways you will never know
 
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PinkPoodle

Two Blondes walk into a bar, sit down at a table and order a pitcher of beer explaining to the bartender that the rest of their group will be arriving shortly.

As they wait they fill their glasses and toast "Fifty-one Days, Fifty-one Days!" and the bartender, seeing that they were happy went about his business.

A few moments later two more Blondes walk in, sit down at the table and join them in the toast... "Fifty-one Days, Fifty-one Days" they exclaimed! And they all drank. The Bartender gave them a questioning look and then returned his work.

Just then another Blonde entered the bar and in joined her friends. They order a fresh pitcher of brew and again they all joined in the toast "Fifty-one Days, Fifty-one Days!"

This peaked the bartender’s interest and he went over to the table where the group was sitting and politely inquired, " I noticed that you seem to be celebrating over here and I'm wondering what it's all about."

The last Blonde that entered stood up, smiled and said, "We are celebrating the completion of a jigsaw puzzle that we bought a while ago ... the box said from 3 to 5 Years, and it only took us Fifty-one Days!"
 
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PinkPoodle

There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.

She does and they continue.

A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."

She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon."

The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.

This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"

So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"

He says "No, I'm trying to get them out."
 
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PinkPoodle

A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer.

The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket.

This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him.

He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer?"

The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts looking good, I'm heading home!"
 
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PinkPoodle

PORTRAIT OF A LADY
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She said to the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch, and Rolex watch."

"But you aren't wearing any of those things," said the artist.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband.

I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
 
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PinkPoodle

A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."
 
beebs

beebs

Full Member
Foundation Member
Points
0
moral of the story

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment; Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is,'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched

"That was a fine story Sarah." "Billy, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Karen. Aunty Karen was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f*ck away from Aunty Karen when she's been drinking"
 
L

Lisa

SICK sense of humour

Who has not got one of them. "one dead chock and she loves it" Has abyone seen the movie "The case of the smiling stiff" ??
:-X
 
chris

chris

sees the best in everyone
Foundation Member
Points
0
English signs in foreign countries

English signs in Foreign countries

In a Bangkok temple:
"IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF
DRESSED AS A MAN."

Cocktail lounge , Norway :
"LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

Doctors office, Rome :
"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE
MANAGER."

On an Athi River highway:this is the main road to Mombasa , leaving
Nairobi .
"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS
IMPASSABLE."

On a poster at Kencom:
"ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

In a City restaurant:
"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
"DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

In a cemetery:
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT
THEIR OWN GRAVES ."

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING
BEHAVIOURS IN BED."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

In a Tokyo bar:
"SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

Hotel , Yugoslavia :
"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE
CHAMBERMAID."

Hotel, Japan:
"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN
AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT
THURSDAY."

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE
THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE
TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS
PURPOSE."

Hotel, Zurich :
"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE
OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR
THIS PURPOSE."

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong :
"GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."

In a Swiss mountain inn:
"SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

A laundry in Rome :
"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON
HAVING A GOOD TIME."
 
P

PinkPoodle

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there.

He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not fornicate or commit adultery!

One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. 'You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what has been going on!'

The missionary replies: 'No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look over there to your fields. You see a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.'

The chief pauses for a moment then says, 'Tell you what, you don't say anything about the black sheep, and I won't say anything about the white child.'
 
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PinkPoodle

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. one of the guests asked, "What's that big brass gong?"

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yep," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You moron, it's ten past three in the morning!
 
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PinkPoodle

Deep in the back woods, of Gibson County Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . .You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"
 
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PinkPoodle

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55
mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at
him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years,
but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60
mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of
it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his
anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up,
and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's
up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the
credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward
a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything
you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,
"I've got the airbag!"
 
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PinkPoodle

An old Scotchman was visiting his closest friend on his death bed crying at his side. "It's OK lad, we all must pass on sometime." said the dying man to his dear friend. "But before I go, will ya promise me one thing?" the dying man asked.

"Ask me anything friend, ya can be assured it will be done" his friend replied.

"When I'm dead and gone, will ya promise to come by and pour a bottle of me favorite scotch over me grave?" asked the dying man.

"Aye my friend, I can assure you it shall be done" as the friend choked back the tears. "But tell me, would ya mind if it passed through me kidneys first?"
 
P

PinkPoodle

It was a hot summer day, and the old courthouse was just as hot. The air was thick and humid, and the jury was having a hard time staying focused. One of the jurors succumbed to the heat, falling asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecutor.
"The defendant is accused of making obscene phone calls to your home. Would you please tell the jury precisely what the defendant said when he called you," asked the prosecutor.

"I can't do that," the victim replied. "It was so crude and disgusting. I can't use language like that."

"Would it help to just write it down?"

The victim wrote out every detail of what the obscene caller had said, and passed the note to the judge. The judge read the note. It was then passed to the prosecutor, the defense attorney, and finally to the jury.

The sleeping juror was seated at the back corner of the jury box, and was the last to receive the note. He was awoken with a nudge from an attractive young juror, seated next to him, and she passed him the note. He read it, gazed in awe at the woman, and read it again. He turned to her, smiling broadly, and winked. He then put the note into his pocket.

The judge demanded, "Please pass that note to the bailiff."

"But your honor," the juror protested, "It's a private matter."
 
M

Mark666

A Joke That Only Very Intelligent People Will Get

I make a daring escape from a maximum security prison camp, and, after effecting my egress from the moist tunnel, plunge headlong into the trunky darkness of the serried conifers that encircle these regions. I scramble beneath the needled branches for some time before I realise I have a pair of garden shears embedded in my stomach, the weathered handles protruding in the direction of my escape. I attempt to wrench them from my flesh, but the pain is too great. Reluctantly I leave the shears in my belly, and stumble onwards. With deepening anxiety, I become slowly aware that with each step, the blades of the shears move infinitesimally closer, cutting into something vital that is deep inside me. I have no choice but to continue, and as dusk cloaks the forests I finally emerge into the open plains. I climb, with panting breaths, a ridge and stand there, horribly conscious, gazing towards a dubious future. The shears are almost closed.
 
M

Mark666

Polish joke

:angry1:
A Polish man moved to the U.S. and married a local girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce
for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the
following questions:

Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little house
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete
I don’t think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelitystereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? No I always up before her
Is your wife a nagger? No, she white
Why do you want the divorce? She going to kill me
What makes you think that? I got proof
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drug store and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: “Polish Remover”.
 
N

nophsp

Going shopping

A very loud, unattractive, woman walks into Big W with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Big W - nice children you've got there -- are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, ya d*%kead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would f*%k you twice!"
 
N

nophsp

Counting on Bush

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the president this morning. He told Bush that Brazillian soliders were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, all the color drained from Bush's face, he then collaspsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, 'Just exactly how many is a brazillian?'
 
M

Mary Anne PA

hahaha
couldn't get the brazilian one... but loved the Big W one.. woo hooo
 
J

JaM

lots n lots n lots

as in ..... million, billion, trillion, gazillion, brazillion ..... WOW how many would a brazilian/ion be???? Do ya get it now Serena?

xoxoxo
Latina
 
C

corneus

Swiss train ride

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi
guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark,and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that bloody Kiwi again.
 
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