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girl99

Re: Humour

in the beginning god created the earth and placed all the animals upon it. he then created man (adam) and god was pleased with his work. but he saw man was alone so he created woman (eve). god told adam that eve was his friend, partner, lover, to be his equal, but to never let eve go swimming with adam. this was all good and adam and eve never questioned god, so eve would always wash in small puddles and stand on the shore when adam went fishing. but one hot day eve was feeling particularly grubby and saw adam out in the water splashing and thought surely 1 quick dip in the ocean couldn't hurt, so she jumped in. ....... there was a loud thunder clap overhead and god shouts down at them "What have you done? Now we will never get the smell out of the fish"
 
Stubbies

Stubbies

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Re: Humour

Continuing with the religious theme...

jeesusshoot.gif
 
C

Curious1

Re: Humour

Oh My God!
I hope my boss doesnt implent this rule! There will be a lot of pissed off people at the accomodation!
 

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Stubbies

Stubbies

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Re: Humour

Tiger Woods jokes are doing the rounds, here are a few...

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars.
Now he has a hole-in-one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?
Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

What was Elin doing out at 2.30 in the morning?
Clubbing

Why did Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant AND a tree?
He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Why did Phil Mickelson call Elin yesterday?
To pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.

What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole?
Ask Tiger, he knows.

Tiger drives very well on the fairway but doesn't fare very well on the driveway.

Whats the difference between a golf ball and a caddy?
Tiger can drive a golf ball.

Nike wants to drop their endorsement due to accuracy problems. Apparently, Tiger's spraying his balls everywhere.

It turns out that fixing Tiger's game and fixing his marriage both require the same thing: better control over his putz.

Why was Tiger's wife mad at him?
She heard that he played a-round in Australia.

What will the headline be if they prove it is domestic violence?
TIGER'S WIFE MAKES THE CUT

Given Tiger's racial heritage can we call this a Black Thai affair?

Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family. Cheetah.

Elin Woods has a twin sister named Josephine. Know how to tell them apart?
Elin is the one holding the bent 5 iron.

What does Tiger have in common with a baby seal?
They've both been clubbed by a Norwegian.



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C

Curious1

Re: Humour

Just a few that amused me.
 

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Stubbies

Stubbies

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Re: Humour

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband`s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:"Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper`s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted...




A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.




What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use lubricant.



THE LIFE OF AN EGG
==================
So you think your life is bad?
Just think how bad the life of the egg is....
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard, 2 minutes to get soft.
You have to share a box with 11 other guys.
And the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother!

Toilet_Dive.gif
 
G

girl99

Re: Humour

gotta type something here soooo ...... :love76: O0 :icon_blow :3some:
 

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bdouble77

bdouble77

Silver Member
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Re: Humour

a truckie seesa girl about to jump off a bridge, so he stops.
" what are you doing?" he says
"trying to commit suicide" she says
"well, before you do that, can you give me a blowjob?" he says, so she does..after she's finished the truckie says "Wow, that's a waste of talent...why are you committing suicide?"
she says "Cos my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl!"


My girlfriend just found out that she's adopted...and she's devastated and kept asking why they didn't want her?
I comforted her and after a while, still crying she asked me to make love to her which lead to more tears...On reflection, banging her up the arse and shouting "WHO"S YOUR DADDY!!" was a little insensitive..

Why don't women like to have sex in the morning?
Have you ever tried to pry open a cold toasted cheese sandwich...

Definition of a nervous wreck...
A man who has a house payment, a truck payment, a wife and a girlfriend.............and they're all a month late!!!


Nothing worse than looking down after sex and seeing that soggy condom hanging off your cock....Especially when you weren't wearing one when you started!!!


4 guys in a prison cell...a zoophile, a sadist, a necrophiliac and a gay. the zoophile says "if there was a cat in here, i'd screw it til it passed out" the sadist nods and says "once your done with it, i'd torture it to death". the necrophiliac sighs "oh yeah, once it was dead i'd screw it til i passed out". the gay guy sitting in the corner very softly says "meow"


Aren't blow up dolls great???
I mean, where else can you find a women that always looks shocked at the size of your cock??
 
Stubbies

Stubbies

Silver Member
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Re: Humour

A husband feeling a bit horny goes to the bathroom and returns with 4 aspirin and a glass of water for his wife.
He says, "Here honey, here are some aspirin and a some water."
She replied, "but honey I do not have a headache!"
He replied, "Thank God!"



A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.

He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot.

He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal.

"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth," it's just ice cream."




There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride. He's driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and things, ''Hot damn! A lawyer that I could run over!'' So he speeds up and heads straight for him. At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss, him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer. He says to the priest ''Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!'' The priest then replies ''That's ok son, I got him with my door.''




A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
 
Stubbies

Stubbies

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Re: Humour

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. Why don't little girls fart?
A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.

Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don't stop for directions.

Q. Why can't women read maps?
A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.
 
bdouble77

bdouble77

Silver Member
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Re: Humour

What has big curly black hair, pouting lips and has never been kissed?


Susan Boyles fanny...
 
Sir Stefan

Sir Stefan

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Most appropriate use for the 'F' word thru history

History's top 10 times for appropriate use of the F-word

10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

5th - "Where the f*** are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

No. 1 Most appropriate useage is..."Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is going to find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009
 
Sir Stefan

Sir Stefan

Agent Provocateur
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Re: Humour

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself ...not with a $280,000 mortgage and no fuking bike!
 
C

coolguy

Re: Humour

A businessman sends a fax to his wife:

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply.

I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that

you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary

at the Duxton Hotel. Please don't be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight".

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table.

"My Dear Husband,

I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you
that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this,

I will be at the Burswood Hotel with Michael my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old.

As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we
are in the same situation, although with one small difference.18 goes into 54 more often than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow".
 
K

kazzam65

Re: Humour

I needed a good laugh they were some of the funniest I've heard for ages.
I'm not very good remembering jokes but this is one I can remember.

A little boy pulls down his pants and says to his playmate "Ha ha I've got one of these".
His playmate pulls HER pants down and says "So what, I've got one of these and with one of these I can get as many of those as I want".
 
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