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N

nophsp

Oki-nako-whi

An Australian is on a business trip to Japan. After several hard days negotiations, he decides he needs some stress relief. He picks up a street-walker on the way back to his hotel, despite the fact that she speaks only Japanese.

As he begins to have sex with her she says "Oki-nako-whi, Oki-nako-whi." He thinks this must mean he is pleasing her and doubles his efforts with her. She start waving her arms and shouting "Oki-nako-whi, Oki-nako-whi."

"Wow" he thinks, "I must be a real stud," and goes all out on her. She's thrashing around on the bed, screaming "OKI-NAKO-WHI, OKI-NAKO-WHI" until he is finished. Without another word, she leaves him, feeling refreshed and satisfied.

The negotiations are over, and the Japanese hosts take the man for a game of golf. Part of the way through the round, the Japanese company president gets a hole in one. Everyone politely claps and our business man thinks he will use his new word to express his appreciation.

"Oki-nako-whi, Oki-nako-whi," he says. Everyone stops clapping, and the Japanese look at him puzzled and say "What do you mean, wrong hole."
 
S

Samashahdi

Modem Connection -Parody of Rainbow connection

Rainbow Connection" Based on the performance by Kermit the Frog

"Modem Connection" Parody by Steven Cavanagh

Why are there so many
danged pop-up windows,
and what do they advertise?
Flat televisions
and beauty solutions
and products for penis size.
Have these guys sold any?
I don't believe it-
We know there's no such thing as "FREE!!!"
Why do they clog up
my modem connection
for downloads, for streaming, for me?

It seems that every click
is caught and diverted
by some jerk who sells a car.
Somebody thought of that
and I'd like to meet them,
just me and an iron bar.
It keeps you waiting
It's so irritating
With 56k, you'll agree.
Someday I'll upgrade
my modem connection
and dust all the cobwebs off me

All of this waiting is hell
I can't afford broadband, it's tragic!

Here I sit, half-asleep
and thinking it's pointless
to play a first-person game.
Everyone speeds round
But I move like snails
The frame rate just drives me insane.
I've done this too many times to ignore it
I'm gonna change my ISP.
Someday I'll upgrade
my modem connection
The seniors, the third world and me

La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
 
C

corneus

one liners

. Two blondes walk into a building... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...if you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

24. Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks.
 
K

kiwimystic

An Aussie,Kiwi and an Indian..........

An Aussie, Kiwi and an Indian...

A Kiwi was sitting with an Australian and an Indian in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden, Saudi police entered and arrested them. They were initially sentenced to death but they contested this and were finally imprisoned for life.

But, as it was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be released after receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
So the Indian guy thought for a while and then said:" Please be tieing a pillow to my back." This was done but the pillow only lasted10 lashes before the whip went through.

The Australian, watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on my back". But even two
pillows could only take 10 lashes before the whip went through again.

Before the Kiwi could say something, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "As you are from a popular country, and your rugby team are terrific, and your women beautiful you can have two wishes!".

"Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The Kiwi replies. "My first wish is: I would like to have 40 lashes."

"If you so desire", the Sheik replies with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?"

"Tie the Aussie to my back", the Kiwi answers.
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K

kiwimystic

Never try to out smart a woman

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week."

"This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do? The wife replies "I did they were in your tackle box.""
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K

kiwimystic

And one more quick one.....

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says, "What are your doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney, I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Sydney too, I want to see you live on $800 a year"
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K

kiwimystic

One liners...........

Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.
Q. Why don't little girls fart?
A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.
Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !
Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don't stop for directions.
Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!
Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.
Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.
Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur traders.
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K

kiwimystic

More one liners............

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.
Q. What’s better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.
Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!
Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy
Q. Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction.
Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. Push it aside and keep on eating...
Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese?
A. Twocanchew (two can chew).
Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A. A bloody waste of fucking time.
Q. Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
Q. What is the first sign of AIDS?
A. A pounding sensation in the ass.
Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged
Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
A. You can eat your mom's apple pie.
Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A. Place to hang their air freshener.
Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A. They're going to call her Old Spice.
Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt
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K

kiwimystic

And more one liners...........

Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A. Yell at her.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?
A. So they don't whistle on the way down.
Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?
Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.
Q. Why can't women read maps?
A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.
Q. What's a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Q. Why do women prefer old gynaecologists?
A. Their shaky hands!
Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush.
Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.
Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm "Jersey"
Q. What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?
A. Potpourri
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K

kiwimystic

And even more.................

Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ?
A. You don't look down.
Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.
Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike?
A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.
Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead.
Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo
Q. What is a zebra?
A. 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
A. Good morning Girls
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out!
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
A. At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.
Q. How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
A. One Post, two Globes, and many Times.
Q. What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A. Whore's fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you.
Q. Did ya hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It works by changing your blood type!!
Q. What do you call a truck full of dildos?
A. Toys for Twats
Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout "Fuck"?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"
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K

kiwimystic

Yep you guessed it............never mind its the last one !!!

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
A. Snowballs.
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
A. None It should be open when she brings it to you
Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?
A. The grip!
Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
A. Miracle whip.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.
Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.
Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A. They have cotton balls
Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?
A. You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.
Q. How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
A. When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.
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P

PinkPoodle

A dustman knocks on a japanese blokes door and the jap answers after a few minutes and says "herro", to which the dustman replies "wheres your bin?"

"I bin on the loo" says the jap.

"No mate wheres your dustbin?" came the reply.

"I dust bin on the loo, i told you" says the jap.

"Mate, where is your wheelie bin? says the frustrated dustman.


"Ok solly, i wheelie bin having a wank"
 
P

PinkPoodle

Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree in a room on Quality Street,

It was After Eight.

He turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic!!

He slipped his hand in her Snickers and showed her his CurlyWurly,

Not keen to have any Jelly Babies she let him take a trip up Bourneville boulevard,

She screamed with Turkish Delight!!

As he took out his fun sized Mars Bar it felt a bit Crunchie and she wanted some Time Out,

But he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Pink Wafers!!
 
P

PinkPoodle

Broke Back Mountain Lady

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about
ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on
Saturday night. He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"
__________________
 
P

PinkPoodle

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the
waiting room, where their family member lay
gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said
as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed
the news. After a great length of time, someone
asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, " $5,000 for
a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question
everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
 
bi.man69

bi.man69

Gold Member
Points
5
oldies but goodies

Very good oldies but funny






Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any
trouble.Unfortunately, one was a salted.

A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
______________
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.
The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
______________
Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well........It's not unusual........."
______________
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for
shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
______________
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
______________
Answer phone message:
"If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
______________
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy."
______________
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
______________
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
______________
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
______________
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your
arms"
______________
I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week and pulled a mussel.
______________
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a
fire inthe craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
______________
A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises," replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
______________
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
 
P

Puk70

The smart blonde !!!

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked
"What in the name of f**king good god are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.

He said
"You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her
"...And where do you think you're going?"


She said, "I'm going home too - I can't work in the dark!
 
T

TemptMe

Most guys play with their balls but not quite like this. Hahah. Pretty clever.
 
Mrs Langtrees

Mrs Langtrees

Owner & Creator
Foundation Member
Points
959
The Why's of Men Very amusing

The Why's of Men


1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?


(because they are plugged into a genius)


2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)


4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?


(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)


(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?


(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)


6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?


(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)


7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And the personal favorite:


8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?


(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
 
P

Perthfun

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?

A.
None, it should be opened when she gives it to you..
hehe
 
P

PinkPoodle

You Might Be Taliban if.....



You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.



You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.




You have more wives than teeth.



You wipe your ass with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."



You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.




You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.



You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.



You've felt the urge to "rub one off" after seeing a woman's exposed ankle.




You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.




You've even uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
 
P

PinkPoodle

A tourist walked into a Fremantle antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his $12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the ocean and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster.

By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relay all this to the shop owner, who said, 'Ah, you’ve come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of Asians, a Poof, and anything Aboriginal.
 
P

PinkPoodle

Aussie humour!
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a


shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne ,

when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his arse.

If you do not mind me saying,' stated the second,

'that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'

I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab.
'It is permanently stuck in my arse.'


'I do not understand,' said the other.
The first Arab says, 'I was walking along Russell Street ,

and I tripped over an oil lamp.

There was a puff of smoke, and then
a huge old man in Australian Flag attire with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out.

He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'



I said, 'No shit?'
 
P

PinkPoodle

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."


The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."


After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.


After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."


The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."


That's "Putting Your Affairs In Order"
 
princesssuzie

princesssuzie

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The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

Someone sent me this so I thought I would share with you all...

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.I work at great depths.I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious disease s.

Sincerely,
P.Niss


The Response:

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,
the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to
start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina
 
P

PinkPoodle

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding Into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?'

'Yes,' was his incredulous reply.

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'
 
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