- Status
Stubbies
Silver Member
- Points
- 0
Re: Humour
If God hadn't meant the pussy to be eaten, he wouldn't have made it look like a taco.
If God had not meant man to have sex with a goat, why put the horns in such a handy position? - Smith and Jones
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.
Programming is like sex; one mistake and you have to support for a lifetime.
What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
Male fraud
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... men will screw anything
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
What is the main reason Santa is so jolly?
He knows where all the bad girls live
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes
How are women and rocks alike?
You skip the flat ones
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote
If God hadn't meant the pussy to be eaten, he wouldn't have made it look like a taco.
If God had not meant man to have sex with a goat, why put the horns in such a handy position? - Smith and Jones
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.
Programming is like sex; one mistake and you have to support for a lifetime.
What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
Male fraud
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... men will screw anything
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
What is the main reason Santa is so jolly?
He knows where all the bad girls live
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes
How are women and rocks alike?
You skip the flat ones
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote
B
billyspandolo
Re: Humour
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
B
bella
Re: Humour
lmao love it love all the jokes
lmao love it love all the jokes
P
perthmike
Re: Humour
When love fades
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner my
Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat."
When love fades
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner my
Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
She replied "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat."
M
MikeyH
Re: Humour
A man was driving along in his car one Sunday afternoon when he was pulled over by a police car. "Have you been drinking sir?" said the police officer. "No", said the man, "Why? Was I driving badly?" "No", said the Officer, "you were driving splendidly, it was the fat ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
A man was driving along in his car one Sunday afternoon when he was pulled over by a police car. "Have you been drinking sir?" said the police officer. "No", said the man, "Why? Was I driving badly?" "No", said the Officer, "you were driving splendidly, it was the fat ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
E
Evelynne
Re: Humour
I was looking for somewhere to share some jokes I kept from a discussion a different website forum, and I'm so glad I found this. Some of the ones I read on here are hilarious
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what? ' says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of the chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs, crying his eyes out as his mother is in hot pursuit, slapping his rear at every step. Mom locks him in his room and
shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out! "
She comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks, in a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."
A young engineer was leaving the office at 6.45 p.m. when he found the Managing Director standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the Managing Director, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the Managing Director as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy." ….
Lesson:
Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards, who are getting on, get your ass in the train, because we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat b**ch in the kitchen."
Eve
Edit: No offense is meant to come from anything posted
I was looking for somewhere to share some jokes I kept from a discussion a different website forum, and I'm so glad I found this. Some of the ones I read on here are hilarious
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what? ' says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of the chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs, crying his eyes out as his mother is in hot pursuit, slapping his rear at every step. Mom locks him in his room and
shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out! "
She comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks, in a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."
A young engineer was leaving the office at 6.45 p.m. when he found the Managing Director standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the Managing Director, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the Managing Director as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy." ….
Lesson:
Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards, who are getting on, get your ass in the train, because we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat b**ch in the kitchen."
Eve
Edit: No offense is meant to come from anything posted
S
sensluver
Stale raw Joke
Thats a raw joke and not called for......I think you should remove it from the forum.
I know someone who is very dear and is epileptic - no jokes on pple having medical conditions.
dash
===================================================
Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in a bath tub
A: throw your washing in
Sophia xx[/QUOTE]
Thats a raw joke and not called for......I think you should remove it from the forum.
I know someone who is very dear and is epileptic - no jokes on pple having medical conditions.
dash
===================================================
Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in a bath tub
A: throw your washing in
Sophia xx[/QUOTE]
B
bella
Re: JOKES!!!
lmfao love them all soooooooo funny
lmfao love them all soooooooo funny
P
Pippi Deleted
Re: Humour
Take this in good humour (no offense and obviously not true anyway)
Why does Beyonce sing 'to the left, to the left'?
Because black people have no rights.
Take this in good humour (no offense and obviously not true anyway)
Why does Beyonce sing 'to the left, to the left'?
Because black people have no rights.
B
bella
Re: funny pics
lmao they are funny ............
lmao they are funny ............
Stubbies
Silver Member
- Points
- 0
Re: Humour
What do a plumber and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal!
A recent scientific study found that women find different male features attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle...
For example; when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged masculine features...
And when she is on her period, she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his fucking eyes and a fucking cricket stump jammed up his bastard arse!
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," statement but followed it up with several remarks to the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
Armstrong explained, "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball that landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
'What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies,
'Those are called condoms son.. Men use them to have safe sex.'
'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively.. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,'Why are there 3 in this package?'
The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'
'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'
'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy,Then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
'Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...
What do a plumber and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal!
A recent scientific study found that women find different male features attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle...
For example; when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged masculine features...
And when she is on her period, she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his fucking eyes and a fucking cricket stump jammed up his bastard arse!
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," statement but followed it up with several remarks to the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
Armstrong explained, "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball that landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
'What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies,
'Those are called condoms son.. Men use them to have safe sex.'
'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively.. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,'Why are there 3 in this package?'
The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'
'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'
'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy,Then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
'Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...
H
happiman
Re: JOKES!!!
cool nice dfsgd errrrrrrwq
cool nice dfsgd errrrrrrwq
D
~Dragons_Princess~
Re: JOKES!!!
Hahaha some of those are awesome
Hahaha some of those are awesome
- Points
- 0
Re: JOKES!!!
do you know how it's going to be a great day......when you wake up in the morning open the frig and find your mother in laws picture on the milk carton
-------------------
Did you hear the post office is putting out a new stamp to commemorate prostitutes, For10 cents you can buy it? And for another 25 cents you can lick it.
-----------------------------
Young Johnny and Susie were playing doctor, on the back porch when Susie's mom popped in on them. "You're gonna get a good lickin when daddy gets home" she said
Susie replied, "Johnny's been doing that all afternoon."
enjoy John
do you know how it's going to be a great day......when you wake up in the morning open the frig and find your mother in laws picture on the milk carton
-------------------
Did you hear the post office is putting out a new stamp to commemorate prostitutes, For10 cents you can buy it? And for another 25 cents you can lick it.
-----------------------------
Young Johnny and Susie were playing doctor, on the back porch when Susie's mom popped in on them. "You're gonna get a good lickin when daddy gets home" she said
Susie replied, "Johnny's been doing that all afternoon."
enjoy John
- Points
- 0
C
coolazzz
Re: funny pics
Funny Azzzz! love the photos
Funny Azzzz! love the photos
Soggyonehundred
Bronze Member
- Points
- 0
Re: funny pics
Good Stuff, some kids need a ride like that
Good Stuff, some kids need a ride like that
F
fiction.m4
Re: Funny Pics
Certainly cause a chuckle. :laughing4
Certainly cause a chuckle. :laughing4
- Points
- 56
Three Old Grannies and a Streaker
On a sunny day there sat three sweet old ladies on a park bench feeding pigeons and chatting away.
A guy wearing a trench coat and nothing else jumped out of no where and flashed them.
Two of them got a STROKE. And the third one couldn't REACH.....
On a sunny day there sat three sweet old ladies on a park bench feeding pigeons and chatting away.
A guy wearing a trench coat and nothing else jumped out of no where and flashed them.
Two of them got a STROKE. And the third one couldn't REACH.....
H
*holly*
dirty santa joke please your ones
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys."
She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys."
She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"
H
*holly*
Re: dirty santa joke please your ones
loved that one well done come on all add some more funnies
loved that one well done come on all add some more funnies
G
Gizelle
Re: dirty santa joke please your ones
very good jock holly very funny good one babe bring some more jocks i enjoy them
very good jock holly very funny good one babe bring some more jocks i enjoy them
- Points
- 5
A misunderstanding.....
A woman was in a coma for some months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched the woman there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
A woman was in a coma for some months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched the woman there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
- Points
- 11
Re: A misunderstanding.....
I loved it Fudd. Keep em coming. xxxxx
I loved it Fudd. Keep em coming. xxxxx
- Points
- 0
Re: A misunderstanding.....
Oh Fudd....I'm having a wry chuckle at this one.. keep it up ( I'm sure you do)
x Brandy
Esquire - Home
Oh Fudd....I'm having a wry chuckle at this one.. keep it up ( I'm sure you do)
x Brandy
Esquire - Home
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