• Lots of naked NEW Members on the forum plz add an AVATAR we are adding them if you don't if you don't like change them.

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PinkPoodle

A guy goes to a brothel. He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed. She's about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarms rings!

She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her. He's searching the building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so he runs outside looking for her.

By this time, the firemen are there. He sees one of them and asks, "Did you see a beautiful blonde, in a sheer blue negligee, with $200 in her hand?"

The fireman says, "No!"

The guy then says, "Well if you see her, screw her. It's paid for."
 
M

Mary Anne PA

what happened to the guy from MAD magazine

Oh here he is, I wondered hwere he went.
 

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Mary Anne PA

okay, got it this time.
 

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N

naughtybuttnice

Good One Serena!!!

:sign10: Ahhhh!!! Now it all makes sense...hahahahahaha...Love it!
 
waxenboy

waxenboy

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Foundation Member
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Come on kelly nothing wrong with the way the gun ho bush is running america and trying to start world war 3 hey once he destroys the earth what else has he got to do_Oh thats right he's got his boyfriend in little johnny.
 
T

Tyler

Appologies in advance for my SICK sense of humour.

"OH MY GOD, BERYL - WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?"
 

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PinkPoodle

Two Aboriginal lads are riding along Oxley Road on a motorbike.
Their motorbike breaks down and they start hitching a lift.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Aboriginals ask him for a lift.

He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but he will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.

Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Aboriginals he has to leave.

"Heyyy mate" they say "gissa pucken lift".

The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Aboriginals put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he agree to take them and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Aboriginal Eggs.

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so he wants to take a look.

He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it .

He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

The Officer replies: "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Aboriginal eggs in it - 2 have hatched and they've managed to steal a motorbike already".
 
P

PinkPoodle

Ollie was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars." she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them . . it's a police officer.

" What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife." Ollie answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know".

"Well" Ollie says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face".
 
P

PinkPoodle

The Athiest

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."
 
P

PinkPoodle

Good Deed for the Day

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbour? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, a few minutes ago", replied the man.
 
P

PinkPoodle

A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.

"No problem," he says to himself, "I still have my emergency chute." So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.

Now the man begins to panic. "What am I going to do?" he thinks, "I'm a goner!"

Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself, "Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for."

When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?"

The other man replies, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
 
P

PinkPoodle

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
 
P

PinkPoodle

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,"What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down, replied:

"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
 
princesssuzie

princesssuzie

Foundation Member
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Joke of the Day!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it's overloaded and only the wife and nine kids are able to fit on the bus.

So the husband and blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick we would have been riding the bus......so shut the hell up."
 
N

nophsp

How to kill a South Dakota Eel

While looking through old stuff in my filing cabinet I found some old funnies that that had been sent to me by fax (anyone remember the fax ?) sometime in the distant past. Through the magic of OCR I bring one that amused me.

----------------------------------

HOW TO KILL A SOUTH DAKOTA EEL


Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from older boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while. He turned off most of the lights and then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must of thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart just like the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

I guess he was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them starting panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down towards the, end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I knew it was fever because sis told him she felt really hot.

Finally , I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten into his pants. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 9 inches long. Honest! ! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel.

The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.

After a while' they both quit moving and gave a great sigh, her boyfriend stood up and sure enough, they had killed the eel. I know it was dead because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. Golly, the eel wasn't dead!! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats - they have nine lives or something.

This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed it. I knew it was dead this time because i saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.
 
M

Mary Anne PA

tear

"Guess what" there is a prehistoric rhino that lives in the thickest part of the jungle. He is very grumpy, very big and can often be heard crashing through the under bush, he is very rarely seen. The creature has in fact a very thick skin. Despite that i saw a tear once dropping slowly from his eye.....I will never ever forget that.
 
S

Sexy Brunette

Re : MEN ARE ONLY HUMAN

HI :hello: CAVEMAN,


I FEEL YOU ARE NOT ONLY TALKING ABOUT THE ANIMAL KINGDOM,YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT BOYS THAT GROW UP TO BE MEN, AND THEY ARE TAUGHT TO SUPPRESS THERE TEARS AND BE STRONG, THEY MEANT TO BE RELIABLE, DEPENDABLE, PROTECTIVE, AND STRONG MAN. BUT DEEP DOWN THEY ARE SOFT, AND JUST LIKE WOMEN THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO SHED TEARS.......

MEN ARE ONLY HUMAN


SEXY BRUNETTE.xx :hello: :hello: :hello:
 
M

Mandy

Look what someone sent me - it's a song!

SING IT GIRLS...

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong, And I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French Fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those jeans!

Go on now - go! Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!

[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
with a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!

[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
 
P

pugsley

Shorty

I very hurt that you have told everyone Mandy. Whats a few inches amongst freinds...........
 
N

naughtybuttnice

Love It!

Hahaha Mandy...Love it...Very funny...One thing I can count on when I come in here...Always puts a smile on my face...Good onya...

Hey! Is this your new job...You are a song writer now?...LOL
 
BarbieAmore

BarbieAmore

Member Forever
Foundation Member
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Had to play the song and sing along with new lyrics PMSL
Good one Mandy Love ya Love ya work
 
S

Sexy Brunette

Re: HI MANDY

Madam Bobbi said:
Mandy

That was excellent.I havnt laughed that hard for a long time.
Click to expand...


HI :hello: MANDY,


HEHEHEHEHEHE FANTASTIC I AGREE WITH BOBBI, THAT IS THE

FUNNIEST SONG I HAVE HEARD IN A CROCODILE.......LOL........


SEXY BRUNETTE.xx :hello: :hello: :hello:
 
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