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PinkPoodle

Death By E Mail

A michigan couple were taking a trip to Florida to thaw out for the winter. they were planing to stay at the same hotel they had 20 years earlier. Because of the hectic schedules, it was difficult to corrdinate schedules to travel, so the husband left Minnisota and flew to Florida on Thursday. with his wife flying down the next day.

The husband checks into the hotel. there was a computer in his room so he e-mailed his wife. however, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address w/o realizing his mistake. sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile somewhere in Huston, a widow had just returned home from her husbands funeral. He was a minister that died from a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail for messages from her relatives and friends. After reading the first message she screamed and fainted.

The widows son rushed into the room and saw the computer screen:

To: my loving wife

Subject: I've arrived

Date: April 20, 2006

---- i know your surprised to hear from me but they have computers here now and u r allowed to send e-mails to ur loved ones. i've just arrived and checked in. i see everything is prepared for your arrival tommorow. looking forward to seeing you then! hope your journey is great as mine was..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................





P.S. it sure is freaking hot down here.
 
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PinkPoodle

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines.

One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women.

Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines.

The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
 
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PinkPoodle

Paying Bills

Paying Bills

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them." the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have." explains the manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here." the manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows." complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have." the manager replies. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The mnager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
 
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PinkPoodle

WISE PROVERB

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.

One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.

"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled,”Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?"

"That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."

"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.

You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path.
 
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PinkPoodle

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls
the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife.

I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,

"Take the poison."
 
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PinkPoodle

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
 
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PinkPoodle

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.


"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in

picking lemons?"


"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.?

"I've been divorced three times."
 
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nophsp

The Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"
 
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PinkPoodle

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her
the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the
People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has
said.

Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets
up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his
mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding
her door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his
father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I
think I understand the concept of politics now. " The father
says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working
Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are
being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."
 
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PinkPoodle

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."
 
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PinkPoodle

Outback 1st Aid

OUTBACK 1st AID


A woman sitting at a roadhouse in Top Springs, northern Territory suddenly began to cough while eating a giant outback steak.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress and

Two jackaroos at the next table turned to look at her.

"Can ya swalla?" asked one of the jackaroos.

The woman signaled 'No', desperately shaking her head.

"Can ya breathe?" asked the other.

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head 'No.'

With that, the first jackaroo walked over to her, lifted up the back of her skirt, yanked down her panties, and slowly ran his tongue up and down the woman's butt crack.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

The jackaroo slowly walked back over to his table and proudly took another drink of his VB.

His partner said in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that, there, Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."
 
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PinkPoodle

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
8. See. You're smiling already.
 
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PinkPoodle

No Nursing Home For Me.

About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner.

At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room.

I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys,etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady.

I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises".

She replied, "Yes, that's true."

I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause,
"It's cheaper than a nursing home".

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship.

The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day.
I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day.

That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the
Restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have
breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient.
An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. Broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on
Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the
Panama Canal Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?

Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a
nursing home, just call shore to ship.

PS And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

Never Die Wondering
 
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PinkPoodle

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit. Now it's the box office."
 
L

Louise

The Female Prayer

Before i lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man that's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong,

One who loves to listen long.

One who thinks before he speaks,O0

And one who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he is gainfully employed,

When i spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my cahir and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh!!!! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

And know what to answer to "how big is my behind??"

I pray that this man will love me to no end

And always be my very best friend.

AMEN...
 
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BigBoyBlue

Louise said:
Pulls out my cahir and opens my door,
Click to expand...

Cahir (An Cathair in Irish, meaning "the fortified city") is a town in Tipperary, Ireland. The town is best known for Cahir Castle, near the centre of the town, and the Swiss cottage. It lies on the River Suir.

Wow - that must be some chastity belt you've got on there ! ;D
 
J

JaM

Sorry... but he's already taken.... :) xoxoxox Latina :love1:
Yes - still a newly-wed :love3: LOL... sad huh!!! :)
 
BarbieAmore

BarbieAmore

Member Forever
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Womans Prayer…
As you lay me down to mate
I hope you don’t prematurely ejactulate
But if you cum before I do,
I pray your tongue will see me thru
Amen!
 
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BigBoyBlue

hahaha !

sorry for the thread necromancy, but it reminds me of an old adage:
you should think twice before tongue kissing first-met girls in the darkest nightclubs ;)
(One of the guys at uni contracted glandular fever, aka kissing disease, from one such adventure !)

oh if it was only 'colds' were our worst concern ! lol
 
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