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PinkPoodle

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.

The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."
 
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PinkPoodle

Smart Guy

Smart Guy
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn.

In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
 
M

Mary Anne PA

uga boongayubba dubba dooooooo

I need a a large strong women must be happy and brave,
So at least she can cook and clean my cave,
She must have thick skin and be upfront
Also a very tight and versatile c....t
She must not be too big like an Elephant
But big enough to be barefoot and pregnant
She must be strong enough to carry water from the river,
Get me beer, not to much as to damage my liver,
She must be able to bend down and cop it nightly,
Even though cave man is big smelly and unsightly.
But above all she must be able to laugh and smile
Be able to talk for a while.
Not to spend to much money
And make sure always a very clean dunny
I must be her master and she my slave
And when out in company must no how to behave
Surley this poor women would have to be depraved.
So all you women out there
Long tall short and fair
Try and look after your man
And he inturn he will do what he can.
 
P

PinkPoodle

For all those men who say, “Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free,” here's an update for you: Now-a-days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage…

Men are like....

1. Men are like…Laxatives…They irritate the crap out of you.


2. Men are like…Bananas…The older they get, the less firm they are.


3. Men are like…Weather…Nothing can be done to change them.


4. Men are like…Blenders…You need One, but you're not quite sure why.


5. Men are like…Chocolate Bars…Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.


6. Men are like…Commercials…You can't believe a word they say.


7. Men are like…Department Stores…Their clothes are always 1/2 off.


8. Men are like…Government Bonds…They take soooooooo long to mature.


9. Men are like…Mascara…They usually run at the first sign of emotion.


10. Men are like…Popcorn…They satisfy you, but only for a little while.


11. Men are like…Snowstorms…You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.


12. Men are like…Lava Lamps…Fun to look at, but not very bright.


13. Men are like…Parking Spots…All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!
 
P

PinkPoodle

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near the outback.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. So he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt this Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's arse!!

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "What the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.

The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that cow's bum, it could just about shi+ on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry Sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australia customs."

"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian
customs."

"Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must Chase Chicks, Drink Piss, and listen to Bull-****."
 
P

PinkPoodle

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explorethe house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, "I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love too. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me."
 
P

PinkPoodle

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and she smirked, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year.

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.

"They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow?"
 
J

JaM

Dog vs Cat

How many dogs or cats does it take to change a light bulb?

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?


2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.


3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!


4. Rottweiller: Make me.


5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.


6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeze, please, please,please!


7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.


8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.


9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb...


10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.


11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."


12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?


13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....


14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. ! By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.


How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

The Cat's Answer:

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:

"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ROLF!!!! Ok everyone.... in fun & jest of urself.... Which one would you be??????? Maybe your a Golden Retriever? OR A Chihuahua? Possibly A Rotty? or A cat????? Post ur choice and what ur name would be?
 
N

naughtybuttnice

Meowwww!!!

Yep! Pussy for me...As you said "Which one would you be"...

Butt if it was which one describes you...I would have to say I would be A Golden Retriever...
 
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nophsp

I think I will be a border collie, that way I get a blow job from the poodle....
 
BarbieAmore

BarbieAmore

Member Forever
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I'd say that I am a cross between a cockerspaniel and a boxer, its so much more fun in the dark!
 
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PinkPoodle

A Girls First Time

(assume you are a girl if you are a boy)

It's your first time. as you lie back your
muscles tighten. you put him off
for a while searching for an excuse, but he
refuses to be swayed as he
approaches you. he asks if you're afraid and you
shake your head bravely.
he has had more experience, but it's the first
time his finger has found
the right place. he probes deeply and you shiver;
your body tenses;but
he's gentle like he promised he'd be. he looks
deeply within your eyes
and tells you to trust him- he's done this many
times before. his cool
smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him
more room for an easy
entrance. you begin to plead and beg with him to hurry
but he slowly takes his
time, wanting to cause you as little pain as
possible. as he presses
closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give
way; pain surges throughout
your body and you feel the slight trickle of
blood as he continues. he
looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too
painful. your eyes are
filled with tearsbut you shake your head and nod
for him to go on. he
begins going in and out with skill but you are
now too numb to feel him
within you. after a few moments, you feel
something bursting within you and
he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to
have it over. he looks
at you smiling warmly, tells you, with a
chuckle that you have been
his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
you smile and thank your
dentist. after all it was your first time to have
A tooth pulled.
 
P

PinkPoodle

High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn
about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am", he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help!"
 
P

PinkPoodle

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.

The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.

The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!"mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his balls were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.
 
P

PinkPoodle

X -RATED RIDDLES OR TRUISMS



Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf Ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee? A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"? A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms? A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? A. The swallow.

Q. What is the difference between medium and rare? A: 5 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare.

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A. They don't have balls to scratch.
 
P

PinkPoodle

Le Parfume le Blonde

One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop.

The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."

The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."

So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like cum to you? Because it doesn't smell like cum to me."
 
P

PinkPoodle

Drunk Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous at the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7.The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me”.

12. The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry”.

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
 
P

PinkPoodle

How Undressing Reveals Your Personality

HAPHAZARD UNDRESSER:
If you throw your clothes all over the house, you are a friendly, life-of-the-party type. You are free with your thoughts and opinions, not caring much about what others think of you.

METICULOUS UNDRESSER:
If you remove each piece of clothing and put it away carefully, you are a serious person who likes life very calm. You are comfortable with routine and you believe that the best way to deal with life's problems is to prevent them in the first place.

SHOES AND SOCKS FIRST UNDRESSER:
You are perfectionist, very shy, observant, dependable, intense and think before making decisions. You go about your tasks methodically, with concentration. You know how to pay attention.

SLOW UNDRESSER:
If you take off the shirt and ten minutes later get around to the pants, you are extremely self-confident, intellectual, a deep thinker and don't like to be hassled. Usually you like a lot of free time for yourself.

FAST UNDRESSER:
If you get out of your clothes as quickly as possible, you are concerned about others and what they expect from you but you're worried about your own needs. You are family-oriented and stay extremely busy.

JEWELRY OFF FIRST UNDRESSER:
If you take off your rings, watch, etc. before anything else, you are warm, thoughtful, sensitive and romantic.

NEVER THE SAME WAY UNDRESSER:
If you never do it the same way twice, you are a very curious, interesting person and you enjoy a broad range of activities. You take risks and enjoy fun and adventure.
 
P

PinkPoodle

A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits."
 
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PinkPoodle

Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends.

"It's funny," says Samantha, "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm sucking his dick."

"You know what?" replies Jenny. "It's exactly the same with my Richard..."

They turn to the third blonde and ask, "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"

"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing in my mouth!"

"You're crazy," one of the blondes pipes up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy. You should try it."

She says she'll think about it. The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the blowjob novice is looking miserable with tears running down her face.

"Oh honey, what's wrong?" the first blonde asks. "Why are you crying?" "Chris broke up with me when I was blowing him," she says.

"What on earth for?" the second blonde asks. "I don't know," she replies. "All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, seeing as how Pete's and Richard's are so cold."
 
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