J
JaM
HA HA , I've heard that one but it was 2 blondes & a brunnette hanging from the rope & the brunnette gave the speech... lol
- Status
M
Mary Anne PA
M
Magziemad/Rod
Plane joke
Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both
are wearing dark glasses; one is using a guide dog and the other is tapping
his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the
cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start
up.
The passengers begin glancing around nervously, searching for some sign that
this is just a little practical joke. No sign is forthcoming. The plane
moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window
seats realize that they are headed straight for the water at the edge of the
airport.
Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly
into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon
all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is
in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You
know, Bob, one of these days they're going to scream too late and we're all
going to die."
Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both
are wearing dark glasses; one is using a guide dog and the other is tapping
his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the
cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start
up.
The passengers begin glancing around nervously, searching for some sign that
this is just a little practical joke. No sign is forthcoming. The plane
moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window
seats realize that they are headed straight for the water at the edge of the
airport.
Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly
into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon
all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is
in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You
know, Bob, one of these days they're going to scream too late and we're all
going to die."
M
Mary Anne PA
N
naughtybuttnice
Luv it!!!
:laughing4 hahaha Luv it...Made me grin...
:laughing4 hahaha Luv it...Made me grin...
P
PinkPoodle
What is life?
A man approaching retirement went along to see the company doctor for one final checkup.
To his horror the doctor said, "I don't know quite how to put this, but your heart is on its last legs and you have only got six months to live."
"Is there nothing I can do?" asked the shocked man.
"Well," said the doctor, "you can give up alcohol, and cut out smoking. Don't eat rich foods, no dancing, and don't even think about having sex!"
"And this will make me live longer?" the man asked hopefully.
"No," replied the doctor, "it will just seem longer!"
A man approaching retirement went along to see the company doctor for one final checkup.
To his horror the doctor said, "I don't know quite how to put this, but your heart is on its last legs and you have only got six months to live."
"Is there nothing I can do?" asked the shocked man.
"Well," said the doctor, "you can give up alcohol, and cut out smoking. Don't eat rich foods, no dancing, and don't even think about having sex!"
"And this will make me live longer?" the man asked hopefully.
"No," replied the doctor, "it will just seem longer!"
P
PinkPoodle
Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.
The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their food.
Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.
One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!"
The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.
The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind.
But, within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.
The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we should....you know..... screw her?"
The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked... "Out of what?"
The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their food.
Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.
One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!"
The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.
The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind.
But, within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.
The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we should....you know..... screw her?"
The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked... "Out of what?"
P
PinkPoodle
Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls.
So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.
They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"
The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"
"Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"
So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.
They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"
The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"
"Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"
P
PinkPoodle
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his roundtrip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabbie said , "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch hike to the airport and barely caught his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "Okay," and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his roundtrip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabbie said , "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch hike to the airport and barely caught his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "Okay," and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
C
citycentral
Some fun... but educational.
Here are a few pages from "Beer, Wine and Moisturiser. The three steps to health, wealth and world domination."
I’m all ready a winner. I was the one sperm out of a million that made it to the egg! We have all heard that statement before. Mostly in stand-up comedy clubs. The sad thing is that most people took to heart and actually believe they are winners. That they are the one sperm out of a million. That it took great skill and hard work to beat all the other sperm to make it to the egg. Well here are a few cold hard facts about the reproductive system. Just a word of warning. If you feel uncomfortable with the words like, ejaculation and vagina, I suggest you skip this part. I am certainly not going to use words like “Love Juice” and gods know what else people use to describe the act of reproduction.
When a man ejaculate into a women’s vagina the odds of one sperm making it are already against it. The World Health Organization provides a definition of a 'normal' sperm count:
• the concentration of spermatozoa should be at least 20 million per ml.
• the total volume of semen should be at least 2ml.
• the total number of spermatozoa in the ejaculate should be at least 40 million.
• at least 75 per cent of the spermatozoa should be alive (it is normal for up to 25 per cent to be dead).
• at least 30 per cent of the spermatozoa should be of normal shape and form.
• at least 25 per cent of the spermatozoa should be swimming with rapid forward movement.
• at least 50 per cent of the spermatozoa should be swimming forward, even if only sluggishly.
So as you can see that a huge amount of sperm are dead or abnormal. That does not include the fact about low sperm count because of drugs and alcohol or wanking too much.
Apart from the World Health Originations figures there is some speculation that some sperm act as defence for other sperm. Meaning the tough rough “Jock” sperm beat the living crap out the “Geeky” chess club sperm so the popular “Cheerleading” sperm can make it to the egg. This is purely speculation so all you Jocks, Geeks and Cheerleaders please do not take offence.
So a good number of the sperm have a very slim hope of getting “lucky” with the egg. Still a good amount make to the cervix and into the uterus (were more die) and into the fallopian tube. Time is also a factor as the average sperm can live from 1 to 5 days. So depending on were the egg is in the fallopian tube, more sperm bite the dust. The number of sperm that reach the egg is very small. Then out of that only one sperm on average will be able to fertilize the egg. So just to fertilize one egg, nearly millions upon millions of sperm will die. It happens every day all over the world and don’t forget all the sperm that don’t make it in to a vagina. (yes guys you do know what I’m taking about). If this death rate was in some war torn or starving country it would be the lead story on 60 Minutes. I’m sure there would a benefit concert called SpermAid and the UN would certainly send in inspectors looking for weapons of sperm destruction.
You: Excuse Miss there is a clipboard between your legs.
Female: It’s ok. Just the UN inspectors looking for weapons.
So in summary, you are not a winner, you are not best and fastest swimmer, you are simply ONE LUCKY BASTART. I suggest you put that luck to good use!
Here are a few pages from "Beer, Wine and Moisturiser. The three steps to health, wealth and world domination."
I’m all ready a winner. I was the one sperm out of a million that made it to the egg! We have all heard that statement before. Mostly in stand-up comedy clubs. The sad thing is that most people took to heart and actually believe they are winners. That they are the one sperm out of a million. That it took great skill and hard work to beat all the other sperm to make it to the egg. Well here are a few cold hard facts about the reproductive system. Just a word of warning. If you feel uncomfortable with the words like, ejaculation and vagina, I suggest you skip this part. I am certainly not going to use words like “Love Juice” and gods know what else people use to describe the act of reproduction.
When a man ejaculate into a women’s vagina the odds of one sperm making it are already against it. The World Health Organization provides a definition of a 'normal' sperm count:
• the concentration of spermatozoa should be at least 20 million per ml.
• the total volume of semen should be at least 2ml.
• the total number of spermatozoa in the ejaculate should be at least 40 million.
• at least 75 per cent of the spermatozoa should be alive (it is normal for up to 25 per cent to be dead).
• at least 30 per cent of the spermatozoa should be of normal shape and form.
• at least 25 per cent of the spermatozoa should be swimming with rapid forward movement.
• at least 50 per cent of the spermatozoa should be swimming forward, even if only sluggishly.
So as you can see that a huge amount of sperm are dead or abnormal. That does not include the fact about low sperm count because of drugs and alcohol or wanking too much.
Apart from the World Health Originations figures there is some speculation that some sperm act as defence for other sperm. Meaning the tough rough “Jock” sperm beat the living crap out the “Geeky” chess club sperm so the popular “Cheerleading” sperm can make it to the egg. This is purely speculation so all you Jocks, Geeks and Cheerleaders please do not take offence.
So a good number of the sperm have a very slim hope of getting “lucky” with the egg. Still a good amount make to the cervix and into the uterus (were more die) and into the fallopian tube. Time is also a factor as the average sperm can live from 1 to 5 days. So depending on were the egg is in the fallopian tube, more sperm bite the dust. The number of sperm that reach the egg is very small. Then out of that only one sperm on average will be able to fertilize the egg. So just to fertilize one egg, nearly millions upon millions of sperm will die. It happens every day all over the world and don’t forget all the sperm that don’t make it in to a vagina. (yes guys you do know what I’m taking about). If this death rate was in some war torn or starving country it would be the lead story on 60 Minutes. I’m sure there would a benefit concert called SpermAid and the UN would certainly send in inspectors looking for weapons of sperm destruction.
You: Excuse Miss there is a clipboard between your legs.
Female: It’s ok. Just the UN inspectors looking for weapons.
So in summary, you are not a winner, you are not best and fastest swimmer, you are simply ONE LUCKY BASTART. I suggest you put that luck to good use!
T
Tyler
I have heard that the "average" amount of sperm in an ejaculation is one teaspoon = 5ml. But I am not sure how true that is or how many men they had to test before they got that "average" score.
C
citycentral
yep good point...
Your right Tyler some averages are about 5ml. Still thats alot of sperm swimming around. :sign17:
Tyler said:
Your right Tyler some averages are about 5ml. Still thats alot of sperm swimming around. :sign17:
N
navillus
jack and pill
jack and jill went up the hill
to have a kiss and cuddle
jill forgot to take the pill
and nows shes in big trouble
jack and jill went up the hill
to have a kiss and cuddle
jill forgot to take the pill
and nows shes in big trouble
M
Magziemad/Rod
Birds and the Bees Joke
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
M
Magziemad/Rod
Dead Pussy Joke
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
A
aussie_lady3001
A beautiful blonde woman was walking down the street > > > >>when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I > > > >>want to have SEX with you right now! I'll drop $500 on > > > >>the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for > > > >>you to pick it up I will make love to you from behind > > > >>and be on my way!" The woman thought it over and told > > > >>the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on > > > >>her cell phone and told her about the man's > > > >>proposition.
ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later, the girlfriend called the
blonde back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The blonde said, "That son of a ***** had $500 in
quarters!"
ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later, the girlfriend called the
blonde back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The blonde said, "That son of a ***** had $500 in
quarters!"
J
JaM
ha ha ha love it aussie!!!
N
nophsp
More plane jokes
A man boards an aeroplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees one of the most beautiful woman he's ever laid eyes on boarding the plane. He soon realises she is heading straight towards his seat.
A wave of anticipation & lust washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"
"Nymphomaniac Convention in Milan," she states.
"Whoa!!!!!" He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement.
Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting with a bunch of nymphomaniacs!!
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" He says, swallowing hard, "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explains "one popular myth is that Black men are the most well-endowed when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent".
Suddenly the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes.
"I'm sorry" she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Pappadopoulous".
==================================================================
Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"
A man boards an aeroplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees one of the most beautiful woman he's ever laid eyes on boarding the plane. He soon realises she is heading straight towards his seat.
A wave of anticipation & lust washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"
"Nymphomaniac Convention in Milan," she states.
"Whoa!!!!!" He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement.
Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting with a bunch of nymphomaniacs!!
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" He says, swallowing hard, "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explains "one popular myth is that Black men are the most well-endowed when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent".
Suddenly the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes.
"I'm sorry" she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Pappadopoulous".
==================================================================
Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"
P
Pink
Pink loves those jokes... has made my night shift so much funnier.
P
PinkPoodle
Subject : Are ya having a bad day?
Subject: Are ya havin' a bad day?
Well, then, consider this...............................
In one hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed on Sunday morning at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Subject: Are ya havin' a bad day?
Well, then, consider this...............................
In one hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed on Sunday morning at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
P
PinkPoodle
Italian Divorce Court
ITALIAN DIVORCE COURT
Angelina and Giuseppi were standing before the judge in divorce court.
Angelina says:
"Your honor, we beena marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he always picka his nose..
ana when we maka love he a never letsa me on topa. I justa canna taka dis nomore."
The judge listens solemnly and then addresses Giuseppi. ?"Giuseppi, is disa true.
You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top??
What have you gotta say fora yourself?"
Giuseppi says,
"Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina,
I tella her she'sa gotta be onna da bottom.
Itsa all go's aback to when I'mma a younga boy.
My poppa, he's a very smarta man.
I always do ev'ryting he'sa say.
My poppa one day he says, "Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life:-
Number one,
you always keepa your nose clean.
ana number two, never screw up."
ITALIAN DIVORCE COURT
Angelina and Giuseppi were standing before the judge in divorce court.
Angelina says:
"Your honor, we beena marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he always picka his nose..
ana when we maka love he a never letsa me on topa. I justa canna taka dis nomore."
The judge listens solemnly and then addresses Giuseppi. ?"Giuseppi, is disa true.
You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top??
What have you gotta say fora yourself?"
Giuseppi says,
"Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina,
I tella her she'sa gotta be onna da bottom.
Itsa all go's aback to when I'mma a younga boy.
My poppa, he's a very smarta man.
I always do ev'ryting he'sa say.
My poppa one day he says, "Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life:-
Number one,
you always keepa your nose clean.
ana number two, never screw up."
P
PinkPoodle
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it.
As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her.
Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now.
But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?
"Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that since you farted just by touching it, you are going to sh*t when you hear the price!
As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her.
Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now.
But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?
"Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that since you farted just by touching it, you are going to sh*t when you hear the price!
P
PinkPoodle
A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange
Dipper", an ice cream parlor, and pulled himself
slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his
breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
Dipper", an ice cream parlor, and pulled himself
slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his
breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
P
PinkPoodle
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor at
Health Care America to get a physical. A few days
later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and
said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a
hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've
got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
Health Care America to get a physical. A few days
later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and
said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a
hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've
got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
P
PinkPoodle
A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter asks, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."
Guy behind the counter asks, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."
J
JaM
Well I tort it was funni...
HA ha HA haha ha ha ha HA ROFL
:laughing1 :laughing3
:laughing4
:laughing1 :laughing3
:laughing4
J
JaM
BTW .... no this is not latina .... She's a brunette... LOL
D
dan juan
hmmmm...... pretty funny W & L,
funnier if i wasn't eating lunch....
hey it's getting funnier
funnier if i wasn't eating lunch....
hey it's getting funnier
P
PinkPoodle
God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true-the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said?
No?
I didn't get one either.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true-the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said?
No?
I didn't get one either.
P
PinkPoodle
Old Farmer Went To Town To See A Movie.
The Ticket Agent Asked, "sir, What's That On Your Shoulder?"
The Old Farmer Said, "that's My Pet Rooster Chucky. Wherever I Go, Chucky Goes."
I Am Sorry Sir," Said The Ticket Agent. "we Can't Allow Animals In The Theater."
The Old Farmer Went Around The Corner And Stuffed The Bird Down His Overalls. He Returned To The Booth, Bought A Ticket And Entered The Theater.
He Sat Down Next To Two Old Widows Named Mildred And Marge.
The Movie Started And The Rooster Began To Squirm. The Old Farmer Unbuttoned His Fly So Chucky Could Stick His Head Out And Watch The Movie.
"marge," Whispered Mildred.
"what?" Said Marge.
"i Think The Guy Next To Me Is A Pervert." "what Makes You Think So?" Asked Marge.
"he Undid His Pants And He Has His Thing Out," Whispered Mildred.
"well, Don't Worry A Bout It," Said Marge. "hell, At Our Age We've Seen 'em All"
"i Thought So Too," Said Mildred, "but This One's Eatin' My Popcorn
The Ticket Agent Asked, "sir, What's That On Your Shoulder?"
The Old Farmer Said, "that's My Pet Rooster Chucky. Wherever I Go, Chucky Goes."
I Am Sorry Sir," Said The Ticket Agent. "we Can't Allow Animals In The Theater."
The Old Farmer Went Around The Corner And Stuffed The Bird Down His Overalls. He Returned To The Booth, Bought A Ticket And Entered The Theater.
He Sat Down Next To Two Old Widows Named Mildred And Marge.
The Movie Started And The Rooster Began To Squirm. The Old Farmer Unbuttoned His Fly So Chucky Could Stick His Head Out And Watch The Movie.
"marge," Whispered Mildred.
"what?" Said Marge.
"i Think The Guy Next To Me Is A Pervert." "what Makes You Think So?" Asked Marge.
"he Undid His Pants And He Has His Thing Out," Whispered Mildred.
"well, Don't Worry A Bout It," Said Marge. "hell, At Our Age We've Seen 'em All"
"i Thought So Too," Said Mildred, "but This One's Eatin' My Popcorn
- Status