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tigerhunt

Lol your a real card Perth Lush, I have to admit very true on the females part and mostly true on the males part but i do understand that its hard not to place us all in the same jar as we all are not like this but still made my crack right up.
tigs
 
C

corneus

Dear Diary

Diary Entry
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. And I never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do."
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT???"
So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.
The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on three different, very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say OK. And then we go to the jewellery department where she gets a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you. She was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this, and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face. It went completely blank. I then said, "Really, honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
I figure that I won't be having sex again until some time after the spring of 2008.
:sign10:
 
C

corneus

How do you pick a bastard?

The man sitting down is a bomb disposal expert.

The guy behind him is an utter bastard!
 
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C

corneus

Working in Government

Most people would say that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to immediately dismount.

However, if you have been properly trained in the ways of government, a number of options will appear.


1. Change riders

2. But a stronger whip

3. Do nothing “This is the way we’ve always ridden dead horses”

4. Visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses

5. Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse’s performance

6. Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse

7. Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to increase the speed

8. Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance

9. Appoint a committee to study the horse and assess how dead it really is

10. Re-classify the dead horse as “living impaired”

11. Develop a strategic plan for the management of dead horses. Intensely workshop this plan

12. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all dead horses

13. Modify existing standards to include dead horses

14. Declare that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line than many other horses.

15. Promote the horse to a supervisory position

16. Pretend the horse is alive and accept a nil response as legitimate when asking for comments.
 

Buzz

Foundation Member
Points
0
missing you

Dear Connie,

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left,

I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you.


They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie?

I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yoghurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her ****ty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss.

Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?

Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.


Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.


Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves.

And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."


Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general.


She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times.

Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh?

I think we can.


If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.


Otherwise, can you let me know where the ****ing remote is?


Love, Dan.
 
N

naughtybuttnice

Good one!!!

hahahahahaha....Very good...I like it!:laughing5
 
C

corneus

ah yes! but it's fun!

Hello tyler - Yeah - easy to pick but still funny..:headbang:
 
P

PinkPoodle

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies--two in the front seat and three in the back--wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly 22 miles an hour!", the old woman says a bit proudly.

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay?

These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 119."
 
P

PinkPoodle

A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years having a few drinks.

While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar - a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue! Salty but okay.
He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is okay. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it

…in one second the sharp lime taste hits
…at two seconds the Baileys curdles
…at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend.

She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it? It's called a Blow Job Revenge!"
 
P

PinkPoodle

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in
and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoop! Two arms pops out!

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to Drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches Down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says...


"He should have quit while he was a head!"
 
P

PinkPoodle

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said, ?I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
 
P

PinkPoodle

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.


Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.


He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
life



Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.


If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account.


If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.


However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"


At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again."
 
P

PinkPoodle

OLAF, SVEN & THE GENIE......

Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied.
Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.

"Vhere did yew git dat monster??"

"Vell", replied Olaf, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.

"Could I see him?"

So Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes, I will," says the genie.

So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks ... flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf.

"Yumpin' Yimmny I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?"
 
C

corneus

A very attractive woman

A very attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant.

She gestures to a man behind the counter, who, after viewing her
assets, comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his
face closer to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which slowly turns red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replies. I'm the manager."
>"Can you get the owner for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands up beyond his ears and through his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager. "He is not in today. Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing
him to suck them gently.
"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.:sign10: :blob6:
 

Rhett and Scarlett

Virginity can be cured!!
Foundation Member
Points
0
jokes

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk:
"Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

The old woman then asks:
"Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do".

"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"
 

Rhett and Scarlett

Virginity can be cured!!
Foundation Member
Points
0
one more

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time
they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would
break him out of the crazy habit. So one night,
while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She gets
completely upset. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how
could you be lying to me all of these years.
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll
explain
the dildo .......... if you can explain our three kids..
 
P

PinkPoodle

Daughters Questions

Daughters questions

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to
ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns.

"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.


"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."



The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"



The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."



"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?"



To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."
 
P

PinkPoodle

Crisco

Crisco

A guy is walking around in a supermarket yelling, "Cris-co, Cris-co?"



A store clerk says to him, "Sir, the Crisco is in Aisle Five."



He says, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I'm calling my wife."



The clerk says, "Your wife is named Crisco'?"



He says, "No, I only call her that in public."



The clerk says, "What do you call her when you're home?"



He says, "Lard ass."
 
P

PinkPoodle

Girl In Petshop

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.
 
P

PinkPoodle

Adam And Eve

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God.

Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.

Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?

God: So you will always want to look at her.

Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?

God: So you will always want to touch her.

Adam: She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?

God: So you will always want to be near her.


Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?

God: So She would sleep with you!
 
P

PinkPoodle

Putting It In

Putting it in

A guy enters confessional and says to the priest with guilt, "I had an affair... well almost."

The priest says, "What do you mean almost?"

The guy says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped."

"In the eyes of the Lord, rubbing against each other is the same as putting it in," says the priest.

"For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $20 in the poor box."

The guy leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment then starts to leave.

The priest, seeing this, quickly runs over to him and says, "You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The guy stops and says, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $20 on the box, and in the eyes of the Lord, that's the same as putting it in."
 
P

PinkPoodle

Young Rabbi

This is a story about a popular young Rabbi, who on Sabbath Eve announces to his congregation that he will not renew his contract.

He explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush. No one wants him to leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"


The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds.



Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education's of all his children!"



More sighs and loud applause.



Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I vill give him sex!"


There is total silence.


The Rabbi, blushing, asks her "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jacob is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Vell, I just asked mein husband how ve could help and he just said, 'F*** the
Rabbi!'"
 
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