princesssuzie
Foundation Member
- Points
- 0
Cool!! Love the joke.
SGS
SGS
- Status
P
PinkPoodle
Little Johnnie
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked into the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why thank you Little Johnnie."
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses."
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked into the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why thank you Little Johnnie."
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses."
C
corneus
Is Santa real?
Let's take this from a logical perspective.:icon_sant
SANTA PHYSICS
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa apparently doesn't handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set(2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's sure as **** dead by now!
PS. Don’t show this to your kids – they’ll just get antsy and upset!
Let's take this from a logical perspective.:icon_sant
SANTA PHYSICS
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa apparently doesn't handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set(2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's sure as **** dead by now!
PS. Don’t show this to your kids – they’ll just get antsy and upset!
C
corneus
Offensive jokes
Oh dear!
Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded
Q: What's blue and f*cks old people?
A: Hypothermia
Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her
Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time?
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is f*cking her.
Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhoea
Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating c*nt once in a while too.
Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.
Q. What's the difference between acne and Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years old.
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.
Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new jaguar.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.
Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually spend more than five minutes searching for a golf ball.
Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave?
A. A microwave won't brown your meat.
Oh dear!
Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded
Q: What's blue and f*cks old people?
A: Hypothermia
Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her
Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time?
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is f*cking her.
Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhoea
Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating c*nt once in a while too.
Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.
Q. What's the difference between acne and Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years old.
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.
Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new jaguar.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.
Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually spend more than five minutes searching for a golf ball.
Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave?
A. A microwave won't brown your meat.
T
teachme
he laid her on........
he laid her on the table,so white clean and bare.
his head wet with beads of sweat,he rubbed her here nd there.he touched her neck nd then felt her breast,then drooling on her
thigh.the slit was wet and all was set,he gave a joyus cry.the hole was wide......he looked inside all was dark and murkey.he rubbed his hands and arms....and then he stuffed the turkey. may i be the 1st to wish your dirty mind a merry xxxmass:iamwithst
he laid her on the table,so white clean and bare.
his head wet with beads of sweat,he rubbed her here nd there.he touched her neck nd then felt her breast,then drooling on her
thigh.the slit was wet and all was set,he gave a joyus cry.the hole was wide......he looked inside all was dark and murkey.he rubbed his hands and arms....and then he stuffed the turkey. may i be the 1st to wish your dirty mind a merry xxxmass:iamwithst
P
PinkPoodle
Dallas ATC
Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah be Praised!"
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Egypt Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Egypt Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah is Great."
Pause: Static..............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now---Ya hear?"
Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah be Praised!"
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Egypt Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Egypt Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah is Great."
Pause: Static..............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now---Ya hear?"
P
PinkPoodle
Watch Out Boys!
Watch Out Boys!
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes,right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say:20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....
Watch Out Boys!
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes,right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say:20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....
O
Oscar
Beatiful! great start to the year. Thanks:hello:
sioxie
Foundation Member
- Points
- 0
The Penis Requesting a Raise
The Penis Requesting a Raise
>
>I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
>I do physical labor.
>I work at great depths.
>I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
>I do not get weekends or holidays off.
>I work in a damp environment.
>I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
>I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
>
>Sincerely, The Penis
>
>
>
>Dear Penis:
>
>After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised,
>the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
>You do not work eight hours straight.
>You fall asleep after brief work periods.
>You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
>You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
>locations. You do not take initiative.
>You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
>You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
>You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
>correct protective clothing.
>You will retire well before you are 65.
>You are unable to work double shifts.
>You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the
>assigned tasks.
>And if that were not enough, You are constantly seen entering and exiting
>the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
The Penis Requesting a Raise
>
>I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
>I do physical labor.
>I work at great depths.
>I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
>I do not get weekends or holidays off.
>I work in a damp environment.
>I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
>I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
>
>Sincerely, The Penis
>
>
>
>Dear Penis:
>
>After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised,
>the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
>You do not work eight hours straight.
>You fall asleep after brief work periods.
>You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
>You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
>locations. You do not take initiative.
>You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
>You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
>You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
>correct protective clothing.
>You will retire well before you are 65.
>You are unable to work double shifts.
>You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the
>assigned tasks.
>And if that were not enough, You are constantly seen entering and exiting
>the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
princesssuzie
Foundation Member
- Points
- 0
Cool Sioxie. Really enjoyed reading this one.
SGS
SGS
C
corneus
Ha Ha! I heard a slightly different version where the lunatic rapes a laundromat attendant. the headline was "Nut bolts, screws washer!" :tongue3:PinkPoodle said:
C
corneus
Two pathetic jokes!
Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "So, do you actually know how to drive this thing?"
Two parrots sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish?"
Thinkaboudit...!
Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "So, do you actually know how to drive this thing?"
Two parrots sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish?"
Thinkaboudit...!
C
corneus
hurray for the postman!
Lttle Johnny is out walking with dad in the park, when they spy a dead dog lying on its back with its legs in the air. Johnny asks "Daddy, why does that dog have its legs in the air?"
Dad replies "Son, it's because it is waiting for God to come and take it to heaven"
Weeks later, dad comes home to find little Johnny distraught. Johhny rushes to him and says "Daddy, mummy almost died on the kitchen table today! When I got home, she had her arms and legs in the air, and she was shouting "Oh God, I'm coming!" If it wasn't for the postman holding her down, we would have lost her for sure!"
Lttle Johnny is out walking with dad in the park, when they spy a dead dog lying on its back with its legs in the air. Johnny asks "Daddy, why does that dog have its legs in the air?"
Dad replies "Son, it's because it is waiting for God to come and take it to heaven"
Weeks later, dad comes home to find little Johnny distraught. Johhny rushes to him and says "Daddy, mummy almost died on the kitchen table today! When I got home, she had her arms and legs in the air, and she was shouting "Oh God, I'm coming!" If it wasn't for the postman holding her down, we would have lost her for sure!"
P
PinkPoodle
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed, I don't have any money, "But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
Come in and close the door the man said. She did.
He then said; Now get on your knees.
She did.
Now take down my zipper.
She did.
Now go ahead, take it out....he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered, Well then............ go ahead.
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it
close to her lips, tentatively said..........
HELLO MUM ........................CAN YOU HEAR ME??
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed, I don't have any money, "But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
Come in and close the door the man said. She did.
He then said; Now get on your knees.
She did.
Now take down my zipper.
She did.
Now go ahead, take it out....he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered, Well then............ go ahead.
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it
close to her lips, tentatively said..........
HELLO MUM ........................CAN YOU HEAR ME??
P
PinkPoodle
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
P
PinkPoodle
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell.. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!"
My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell.. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!"
My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
O
Oscar
Hehehe! Chuckle! Chuckle! Love it!:headbang:
S
sambo_351
1. What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.
2. What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
3. What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.
4. Where does virgin wool come from?
Ugly sheep.
5. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard.
6. How can you make your wife mad while making love?
Call her with your cell phone.
7. What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on
her wedding night?
His last name.
8. What's the down side to a threesome?
You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.
9. How do you know you're really ugly?
Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.
10. Why are hurricanes named after women?
Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.
11. What's the similarity between a tornado and a Alabama divorce?
Somebody's gonna' lose a trailer...
You can drop her off anywhere.
2. What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
3. What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.
4. Where does virgin wool come from?
Ugly sheep.
5. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard.
6. How can you make your wife mad while making love?
Call her with your cell phone.
7. What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on
her wedding night?
His last name.
8. What's the down side to a threesome?
You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.
9. How do you know you're really ugly?
Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.
10. Why are hurricanes named after women?
Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.
11. What's the similarity between a tornado and a Alabama divorce?
Somebody's gonna' lose a trailer...
S
sambo_351
I love this one...
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud
splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool!
Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of sh!t, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a
million dollars."
Nah, you all right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Jimmy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you
want?"
Jimmy said, "I want the name of the c*#t who pushed me in the Pool."
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud
splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool!
Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of sh!t, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a
million dollars."
Nah, you all right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Jimmy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you
want?"
Jimmy said, "I want the name of the c*#t who pushed me in the Pool."
S
sambo_351
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
P
PinkPoodle
A Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks.
"What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.? "What are the three tests?"
"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the
jar.
"OK." the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:
First:
You have to drink that entire fifth of pepper tequila, the whole
thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second:
There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third:
There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a fifth of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where ez zat tequila?"? He grabs the fifth with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then....silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
"What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the
money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.? "What are the three tests?"
"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the
jar.
"OK." the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:
First:
You have to drink that entire fifth of pepper tequila, the whole
thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second:
There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third:
There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a fifth of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where ez zat tequila?"? He grabs the fifth with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then....silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
P
PinkPoodle
A Maori goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute.
He asks her, "How much do you charge for the hour bro?"
"$100," she replies.
So he asks, "Okay do you do Maori style?"
She says "No!"
He then asks her, "I'll pay you $200 to do it Maori style?"
She again says no, not knowing what Maori style is!
So he then offers her $300.
Again she declines his offer.
So finally he says, "I'll give you $500 to go Maori style with me!"
Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Maori style be?"
So she goes ahead and has s.e.x with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish.
Exhausted, the prostitute turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Maori style' come in?"
The Maori replies . . . "I'll pay you next week"
He asks her, "How much do you charge for the hour bro?"
"$100," she replies.
So he asks, "Okay do you do Maori style?"
She says "No!"
He then asks her, "I'll pay you $200 to do it Maori style?"
She again says no, not knowing what Maori style is!
So he then offers her $300.
Again she declines his offer.
So finally he says, "I'll give you $500 to go Maori style with me!"
Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Maori style be?"
So she goes ahead and has s.e.x with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish.
Exhausted, the prostitute turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Maori style' come in?"
The Maori replies . . . "I'll pay you next week"
J
JimJoeBob
A limerick
There was a young lady from perth
who had an incredible girth
One day did the splits
and parted her slits
and fisted herself with the earth
:
There was a young lady from perth
who had an incredible girth
One day did the splits
and parted her slits
and fisted herself with the earth
:
P
PinkPoodle
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked,
"Up or down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,
"Up or down ?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were **** or drown."
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked,
"Up or down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,
"Up or down ?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were **** or drown."
M
Mary Anne PA
Thirty Lines To Make You Smile
.
THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill
them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16... Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I
Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With
That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.
27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and
Wesson.
30.. I smile because I don't know what is going
on.
.
THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill
them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16... Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I
Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With
That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.
27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and
Wesson.
30.. I smile because I don't know what is going
on.
M
Mary Anne PA
O
Oscar
HEY! really good Serena, They are true gems!!And so true!:headbang:
- Points
- 959
This Line is my favourite.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Great post it made me smile.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Great post it made me smile.
princesssuzie
Foundation Member
- Points
- 0
Certainly made me smile!! Thanks Serena!!
SGS
SGS
M
Mandy
Hehehehe... this is funny!
I was going through my old emails and look what I found!
I was going through my old emails and look what I found!
- Status