• Lots of naked NEW Members on the forum plz add an AVATAR we are adding them if you don't if you don't like change them.

Smile

Status
Not open for further replies.
C

corneus

Three little ducks

Three little ducks go into a Bar.............................
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day; Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day; what
else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
And what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey!?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day; I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all
day myself; what else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes

"My name is Puddles."
 
BarbieAmore

BarbieAmore

Member Forever
Foundation Member
Points
0
Lifes a giggle!

I know that a simular thread was posted not too long ago but I cant for the life of me find it so Im starting a new one.:dontknow:

I HAVE LEARNT...
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Don’t believe in superstition, it brings bad luck.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
An alcoholic is anyone you don't like who drinks more than you do.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy submarines.
It is not necessary to be friendly to soup.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
Not to sniff coke, the ice cubes block my nostrils
If my dog is fat, I’m not getting enough exercise
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not yelling and screaming like the people on his bus.
That he who laughs last, thinks the slowest
That I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
It is impossible to be strangled by a book.
If everything goes as planned, I’ve probably missed something.
Don't start a fight with someone who is holding a baseball bat
When in doubt, shave the cat.
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
Never to hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a brick, that will hurt more.
A camel's penis is called a 'dude'
If you don't like somebody, go walk a mile in his shoes. That way you're a mile away from him, plus you have his shoes.
Whenever you are walking on a turtle, wear a helmet.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why people look intelligent, until they open their mouth.
If I survive death I'll probably survive anything.
People would feel differently about cutting down trees if they could scream, that is, unless they always screamed for no good reason.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Don't try to stab a guy with a rubber chicken
When you go in for a job interview, It’s a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
You don't need a wheel to find a dog.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Putting your rabbit in the microwave won't teach it French.
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
Not only is life a *****, it has puppies.
Life is too short to argue, so I'm always right
Cats don't need watering
If you are faced by a stampede of elephants, try not to look like a peanut.
If you don't know what it is, it's a good idea not to touch it.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Cats will never live in a beach ball.
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Criticism isn't half as effective as sabotage
Don't eat the family pet.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
When someone is drowning, don't give him or her French fries.
A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Not to worry about becoming demented, I won't realise it anyway.
If you never succeed in things the first time, you shouldn't go parachute jumping.
Never to take life seriously, I’ll never get out of it alive anyway.
​
:wav: :wav: :wav:
 
O

Oscar

:nike: I just love it,where do you guys find this stuff.:headbang: So true Too!!:happy8:
 
P

PinkPoodle

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?

The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look
alike?"

"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"
 
P

PinkPoodle

Senior's Sex Guide

Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

Don't even think about trying it twice.
 
P

PinkPoodle

A Long Life
Mary Maloney was a healthy, vigorous, octogenarian.

She was being interviewed about her secret for such a long and happy life.

"I have seven gentlemen a day", she said.

"I get out of bed with Will Power, then I go to my John.

I follow this up with breakfast with Uncle Toby, then I have Billy T.

The rest of the day is spent with Arthur Ritis, then I have a bit of Al Zymer.

Then I go to bed with Johnny Walker."
 
P

PinkPoodle

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.

The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But,
what happened to your other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"
 
P

PinkPoodle

HOW TO ACHIEVE INNER PEACE


I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we could all do with a little calm.........

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started."

So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished ......and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how bloody good I feel!

You must pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.

Have a good day everyone
 
N

nophsp

Geography Lesson

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN!

Between 18 and 20
A woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30
A woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35
She is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40
A woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50
She is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60
She is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70
A woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70
They become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN!

Between 15 and 70
A man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick!
 
T

Tyler

I printed it out and stuck it on my fridge....this way my fiance can see me age down the levels!

LOL!
 
C

corneus

Women and their questions


WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - deathly silence - -
HUSBAND: "F**k"
 
C

corneus

You never know who you'll meet!

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?"

She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I had on the snooker table in front of all my mates while your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"
:sign10: :wav:
 
C

corneus

You forgot Australia!

On the outside beautiful and wet, often wild, but also serene at times.
Sadly, the further inside you explore, the harsher and drier she becomes! The scenery is still spectacular, but would you really want to live there? LOL

:headbang:
 
C

corneus

On a personal note - yes - I would want to live there. Anyone who has made it this far and still looks so good has my vote!:3some:
 
T

Tyler

Took me a while to get it - but I laughed!

A man goes into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The bar tender says, "What would you like Sir?" The man says, "I'll have a pint of beer." He looks at the ostrich and says, "What will you have?" "I'll have a pint of beer" says the ostrich. He looks at the cat, "What will you have?" "Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying." "That will be $12.65" says the bartender. So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $12.65.

The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. "What'll it be today?" says the bartender. "Double whisky on the rocks" says the man. He looks at the ostrich and says "What will you have?" "I'll join him in a double whisky" says the ostrich. He looks at the cat, "What will you have?" "Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying" says the cat. "That will be $21.95" says the bartender. So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly $21.95.

The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. "Excuse me" the bartender says, "I was just wondering why, no matter what the price, you always have the exact change in your pocket?" "Well" says the man, "when my grandmother died she left me everything in her house and inside there was a lamp. So I rubbed it and out popped a genie. It granted me three wishes. So I asked that every time I wanted to buy some-thing I would have the exact change in my pocket". "That's brilliant" says the bartender. "You'll never ever run out of money".

What else did you ask for?" "A bird with long legs and a tight pussy."
 
T

Tyler

It's true! So painfully true!

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basketaccording to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutesuntil red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.


I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING ' CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
 
C

corneus

bwahahah! Well, it's only a lttle true. well sort of. Oh ok, most of it's true! Dammit! (But only the girl bit - hehe!):sign10:
 
C

corneus

Crossword problem

Pope Benedict is on the train travelling out of Rome, and occupying his time doing a crossword. (Yes, he already did his prayers! :tongue3: ) He can't get the last clue, so he looks across at the Cardinal accompanying him and says "I think 4 across might be wrong. What's a four letter word which is exclusively female?"

The Cardinal thinks for a while and says " H'm, probably AUNT, I'd say"

The Pope then says "****! That explains why 2 down doesn't fit - got a rubber?"
:laughing4
 
C

corneus

Date rape warning...

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be
alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females
use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in
bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs".

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade
their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get
a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no
strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men
will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom
they would never normally be attracted to. After drinking beer, men often
awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night
before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment
referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after
beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to
this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support
groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with
similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up
"Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click on web site below:

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf



 
C

Carla

That's terrible Corneus...lol
But I like it!

Our devious scheme has been revealed. Ladies, back to the drawing board...

xx Carla
 
T

Tyler

it's okay carla...

If we don't get them with "beer", we'll get them with "honey, I'm pregnant"!!!
 
N

naughtybuttnice

Nice one Corneus...

Hahahahaha :laughing4 Very good, I like that...
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top