• Lots of naked NEW Members on the forum plz add an AVATAR we are adding them if you don't if you don't like change them.

Smile

Status
Not open for further replies.
P

PinkPoodle

A drunk at a Sydney casino stumbled into the loo and started feeding coins into the condom vending machine.

Slowly but surely he filled his pockets with them.

A bloke was waiting behind him.

"Excuse me, can I have a turn?" said the bloke.

"Not when I’m on a winning streak." said the drunk.
 
P

PinkPoodle

A passerby watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.

"Tell me," said the passerby, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Well," said the digger," Usually there are three of us. I dig, Paddy plants the tree and Mick fills in the hole. Today Paddy is off sick, but that doesn't mean Mick and I have to take the day off, does it?"
 
P

PinkPoodle

Meow!

Meow!

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge
with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and
fix
dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not
ready
on time!" she exclaimed.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time
to go
to the market, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce
leaf,
an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the cat food,
stirred
in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her
husband
pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to
his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty
years of
marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made
her
husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they
were
all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months
later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of
the
cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat
food
every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and
play
bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically
replied,
"I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning
himself."
 
L

lana

Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball
almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.



Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
A. An all-rounder.



Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason

Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones
have over the rest of their team-mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.


Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.


Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.


Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English
batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.


Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.


Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
A. Because he was born in England.


Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.


Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.


Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?
A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.


Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.




Lana
 
L

lana

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to
place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark
saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and
froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself
a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and
began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his
light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a parrot.
Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird
Moses."
The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."


Lana
 
C

cli-max

Lmao Lala

'Still cracking us up Lala :-X

THANKS FOR THE LAUGHS BABE. XX
 
G

gilligan

funnies

Subject: Bill Gates...
"Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one.
I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After
> all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer
in almost every home in the world, and yet you created
that ghastly, awful Windows. I'm going to do something
I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where
you want to go."
Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the differ-
ence between the two?"
God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if
it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"
"Sure!" said Bill, "Let's go!"
Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with
clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and
women running around, playing in the water, laughing and
frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature
was perfect.
"This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see
heaven."
God replied, "Let's go!
" and so off they went to Heaven. Bill saw puffy white clouds
in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps
and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.
Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his
decision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."
"As you desire," said God.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire
to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall,
screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being
burned and tortured by demons.
"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God.
Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This is
not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the
beautiful women playing in the water?"
"Oh THAT!" said God.
"That was the Screensaver."
:happy6:
 
G

gilligan

More

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the
table, he looks into his small bowl. The small bowl is empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!,"he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Momma Bear who got up first,
It was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house,
It was Momma Bear who made the coffee,
It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away,
It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper,
It was Momma Bear who set the damn table,
It was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, And, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only
Going to say this one more time.
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET !!


A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a >man. That's iinteresting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police"

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil people. Don't mess with them.

:icon_prof
 
H

hilly

Hi Oscar

Hi me little mate Oscar,

You are easy to please--hang-on buddy
while I get me halmet-befor you head bang me lol
:headbang: ---- :headbang: ---hilly---
 
H

hilly

just a hint

HEY OSCAR CAN LEAND YOU MY SPARE
HAFT OF THUMB SO YOU CAN WRITE A BIT LONGER
WILL THAT HELP YOU MATE--LOL
-----hilly----- :headbang:
 
C

cli-max

ha ha

Thanks babe, LOVE the pic of the baby munching on the cats tail, ha ha :laughing1
 
P

PinkPoodle

Arsenic

A woman goes to the Drugstore and asks for ARSENIC.

"What do you want that for?" the Pharmacist asks"

"I want to kill my husband." she replies.

"He's having an affair with another woman."

"I can't sell you Arsenic to kill your husband," says the Pharmacist

"Even if he is cheating on you."

The woman pulls out a picture of her husband with the pharmacist's wife kissing.

The druggist turns red, then pale with anger and replies, "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
 
P

PinkPoodle

Rectum Deodorant

RECTUM DEODORANT
>
> A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the
> assistant for some

> rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused,
> explains to the

> woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never
> have. Unfazed, the

> blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been
> buying the stuff from

> this store on a regular basis and would like some
> more.
>
> "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have
> any"
>
> "But I always buy it here," says the blonde
>
> "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks
> the pharmacist..
>
> "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get
> it."
>
> She returns with the container and hands it to
> the pharmacist who
> looks at it and says to her,
> "This is just a normal stick of underarm
> deodorant"
>
> Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back
> and reads out loud
> from the container.........
>
> " TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
>
 
P

PinkPoodle

How Smart Is Your Left Foot ?

Subject: How Smart is Your Right Foot ?
>
>
>
> This is so funny that it will boggle your mind.
> And you will keep trying at many more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.
>
>1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
>2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.
>
> And there's nothing you can do about it!!!!!!!!!!!
>
 
L

LusciousL

Which do you have ? ? ! !

Guts or Balls

The difference between "guts" and "balls":

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."
 
P

PinkPoodle

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.

There's no guts, no heart, no baxxs, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable
 
M

Mary Anne PA

grandma goes for it!!!

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.
Suddenly, Lulu's Grandma came by. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it, old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out rip the skin back and suck 'em dry."

The policeman fainted.
 
P

PinkPoodle

Little Old Lady In Court

Little Old Lady in court


Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just lay down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defence Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!
 
Fudd

Fudd

Full Member
Foundation Member
Points
5
Gynecologist

A gynecologist had become fed up with the cost of malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error which needs adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "But, I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."
 
L

Lisa

Penis Transplaint

{Q} Have you heard of the guy who had a penis transplaint..??

{A} His hand rejected it..
 
Mrs Langtrees

Mrs Langtrees

Owner & Creator
Foundation Member
Points
959
Harley Davidson Joke Not Bad

Sent to me by STEVE THE DEVE

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and

went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Because you've been

such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is,

to hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."



Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to

hang out with God."



St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Of course, God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one

who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"



Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."



God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's

pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"



Arthur was embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the

inventor of woman?"



God said, " Ah, yes."



"Well ," said Arthur, "Professional to professional, there are

some major design flaws in your invention:



1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.



2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.



3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.



4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.



5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!



"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."



God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for

the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.



"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to

Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention

than yours!"
 
M

Magziemad/Rod

Oh this is funny!

HAHAHAHAHAHA thats a good one!! :blob6:

:notworthy
 
P

PinkPoodle

Subject: WARNING LADIES! YET ANOTHER SCAM

A new scam is being pulled mainly on women who are past the age of
giving a running pursuit.

What happens is that when the intended victim stops at a Traffic
Light, an almost NUDE, good looking, tanned, muscled young man comes up to
her car and pretends to wash the windshield.

While he is doing this, another young, handsome athletic man opens
the back door of the car, jumps in and insists the woman drive off
with him to some lonely spot, where he has his way with her.

They are very good at this.
They got me three times Friday and five times
Saturday...

I couldn't find them on Sunday.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top