Smile

[PinkPoodle]

The Italian says, "When Ive a fanished a makina da love
with a my girl a friend, I go down and a gently tickle
the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy."

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave
finished making zee lav with zee girlfrand,
Ahh kiss all zee way down 'er body and zen Ah lick zer soles of 'err feets
wizz mah tang and she floats 12 inches above zee bed in pure ecstasy !!."

The Aussie says," Mate, that's nuthin. When Ive
finished shagging me sheila, I get outta bed,
walks ova to the winda and wipe my old fella on the curtains.
Man she hits the freekin roof!!!"

 

[PinkPoodle]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

 

[PinkPoodle]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the toilet.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is
heard coming from the bathroom.

A couple of minutes after that, another loud scream
echo's through the bar.
The bartender goes into the toilet to investigate.

"What's all the screaming about in there?
You're scaring my customers!"

The drunk responds,

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and
every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the freekin hell out of my nuts."

The bartender opens the door and looks in.

"You IDIOT!!!! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!! "

 

[Oscar]

It's really nice to be able to have a GOOD giggle at the end of a weary nigntshift!! Thanks they're great! :icon_boun

 

[Floyd]

One for the "big" fellas...

On a farm lived a chicken and a donkey, both of whom loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing when the donkey fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee hawed' for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-4 silver BMW.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken started the beautiful
motor car and the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he
still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the
chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the
loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the donkey!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies,
best pals!

A few weeks later, would you believe, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the donkey to save his life!

The donkey thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the donkey pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?


When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up a chick

 

[PinkPoodle]

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one
and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing
there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me
anything about this
rod and reel"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on
the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it
from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco
404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination,
and it's on sale this week for $44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the
sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens
her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds likea Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down
to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really
embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind salesman
could tell it was she who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me
it was on sale for $44. How did you get to $58.50"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are $44, but the Duck
Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50."

 

[PinkPoodle]

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date
or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something
wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the
well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr.Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.

 

[PinkPoodle]

A guy in his mid 40's,decides to buy a new Monaro and take it for a spin.

He is cruising down the freeway and decides to put the hammer down,
so at about 130 k's he hears a siren and sees a copper behind him,

He decides to put his foot down more and try and outrun the coppers,

He then thinks hey, wtf am I doing at my age trying to out run the cops ? so he pulls over

The cop hops outta his patrol car and goes up to the drivers window,

The Copper says "I am at the end of my shift mate! give me one good reason why you were speeding and I will let you go!"

The Guy in his 40's says"Last week my wife left me and ran off with a cop,I thought it was you and that you were trying to give her back"

The copper hopped back in his car and left.

 

[PinkPoodle]

Three women are at a cocktail party. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't

have much money and we don't have any material possessions. But thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."

The first woman looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really

going to the French Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes. He bought me a Ford."

"Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg."

 

[PinkPoodle]

Allen took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Sandra?" asked Allen. "I want to get weighed," said Sandra.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Allen again asked Sandra what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Allen lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Allen figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?" Sandra responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

 

[PinkPoodle]

My Hands Are Freezing
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter
vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.

When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will
warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back
and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm
them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get
them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my
hands are really, really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears
ever get cold?"

 

[PinkPoodle]

Dogged Out
A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and,
clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns
the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing
out of the seams turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at
the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog
just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind
of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four-week-old puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my
Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

 

[PinkPoodle]

A man had great tickets for the Grand Final


As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is
sitting
in the seat next to him


No", he says. "The seat is empty".


This is incredible!" said the man.


"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the
Grand
Final, the biggest sporting event in Victoria,and not use it?"


He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was
supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first
Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married."


Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't
you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take
the
seat?"


The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

 

[Holly]

Short story

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words
as possible.

The instructions were:

The short story had to contain the following three things:
(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class.

"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."

 

[Oscar]

COOL!! :headbang:

 

[PinkPoodle]

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and
surprisingly, it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S WINNING
ASS.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the
local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid
of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby
convent.The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following
headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. The pastor informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farm er for ten dollars.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.The next
day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.
>

 

[PinkPoodle]

I didn't even know

Three drunks were sitting at a bar.

The first one said... "I went in my daughter's room, looked in the drawer and found a pack of cigarettes."

He paused. "I didn't even know she smoked!"

The second drunk said... "I can beat that! I went into my daughters room, looked in the closet and found a case of beer. I didn't even know she drank!"

The first two looked at the third as he begin to speak..
"I can beat that! I went into my daughter's room and looked under her pillow. I found a pack of condoms!!!"

He paused... "I didn't even know she had a penis!!!"

 

[PinkPoodle]

Kneesles

A young couple got married and they've never made love before. On their wedding night, the new bride is quite anxious to get things going, but the man seemed to be having some difficulty. Finally, he starts to undress. When he takes off his pants, she notices that his knees are deeply pockmarked and scarred.

So his wife says, "What happened to you?" The man says, "When I was young, I had the kneesles."

He then takes off his socks and his wife sees that his toes are all mangled and deformed.

"Hmmm, well what happened to your feet?" inquires the wife. "When I was a young boy, I had tolio."

So, finally, the man takes off his shorts and the woman replies, "Don't tell me. Smallcox, right!?"

 

[PinkPoodle]

Offended

Three honeymoon couples find themselves in adjacent rooms in a hotel.

As they are getting undressed, the first man says to his wife, "What huge buttocks!" Much offended, she threw him into the corridor.

The second man, also undressing, says to his wife, "Christ! What huge tits!."

She is also greatly offended and throws him out into the corridor.

Several minutes later, the third newlywed husband arrives in the corridor as well.

The other two ask, "What happened? Did you put your foot in it?"

"No, but I could have!" the third man replied.

 

[PinkPoodle]

Whack Off

There was this guy named John that went to heaven. He looked around and saw millions of clocks, some were slow and some were fast. He went to God to ask a question.
''What's the deal with all these clocks?'' John asked.

''Well,'' said God, ''these clocks tell how much a person masturbates.''

''Well, where's my clock?'' asked John.

''It's in the office,'' replied God. ''We use it as a fan.''

 

[cli-max]

You're A Joke!

You're a joke Pink Poodle! Ha Ha, I mean you're a walkin' joke babe,
thanks for the umpteen laughs. :headbang: It makes a long night go quicker for us night shift people.

xx Maxeen

 

[PinkPoodle]

Can I Smell Your Pussy

A gorgeously slim, size 8 blonde from New York went to Australia for her vacation and booked into a VERY expensive hotel.

She changed into her skimpy thong bikini, put on a fashionable beach shirt, beach hat, sunglasses, new sandals ...
You get the idea. She grabbed a large towel; her new beach bag and headed for the golden Australian sand and sun.

To her surprise the beach was very crowded. The only spot big enough to accommodate her large towel was right next to a filthy, salt encrusted bench with a seriously dirty old bum collapsed on it.

She was VERY nervous about stretching out in her bikini next to this old bum ... but it was the only available place. Anyway, she was on holiday, this was Australia and she figured she'd be safe enough!

She spread her beach towel; removed her shirt and hat; and opened her beach bag to get her sun-tan lotion. She liberally applied sun-tan lotion all over her VERY sexy, pale white body.

The bum watched intently.

She laid back on her towel to read a little. Then realized she'd forgotten to remove her new sandals.

She sat up and slipped off her sandals.

As she stretched back down, the bum leaned over and asked,
"Hey lady, can I smell your pussy?"

Like a released spring and, absolutely outraged, she jumped up and exclaimed, "Of course not! I've never been so insulted!"

"Oh!" announced the bum, "Then it must be your feet..."

 

[PinkPoodle]

Old Wealthy Widower

Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

Bob says, "I lied about my age."

His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No. I told her I was 90."

 

[PinkPoodle]

Fart During Sex

One day a Navy ship arrived in town. A small but energetic sailor was the first to abandon the ship and rush ashore.

The moment he got to the beach he rapidly searched for a prostitute to satisfy his pent-up desires. In an instant he found one.

It was very sunny and hot. Sand was everywhere. So the sailor, without losing seconds, dragged the prostitute under a pier. They had a furious and quick sex affair. The sailor got up, put his trousers on, paid $20 and dashed away.

Next day, same sailor, same beach, same prostitute, same burning sun and heat, same abundance of sand, same place under the pier, same rapid action... But this time during the intimate process, the prostitute could not help but let fly a good and loud fart.

The sailor continued and without paying any attention to this little nuisance finished the race. He got up, put on his trousers, paid $25 and started to leave.

The prostitute stopped him and asked, "Why the $5 tip?"

"That's for blowing the hot sand off my balls!"

 

[PinkPoodle]

Casino Dealers

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table.

A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."

With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"

She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.

"YES! I WIN! I WIN!"

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

 

[PinkPoodle]

3 Unemployed Factory Workers

One day, 3 unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company was enlarging and needed more staff. So they went downtown to see if they could get themselves a job.

After filing out their applications, each one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired. As they were waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to the hiring boss.

The foreman told the boss that he didn't think it was such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent reason at his last job.

Also a second was said to have had cracked up after severe mental stress.

The third, he believed was their father who he felt was a bit odd but he couldn't put his finger on it.

The hiring boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they would be kept on.

The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss where he thought they should start.

The boss replied, "Why not take them and put them in our Cereal Division...Snap, Crackle and Pop should work out fine down there."

 

[PinkPoodle]

Help From Above

An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.

Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

 

[PinkPoodle]

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother.

"Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?", to which the mother replies.

"Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says,

"Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!!
Tell your daughter the truth!!!!
For crying out loud. They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks,

"Mommy, do the ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course dear.
Where do you think cabbies come from?"

 

[PinkPoodle]

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or
playing basketball at the gym.

His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday
she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya
doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,

"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with
them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says

"Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken
him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4
letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

"Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time".

 

[PinkPoodle]

Hmmmm! never trust a lawyer?


A Mafia Godfather finds out his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf.

It was considered an occupational benefit and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper wouldn't be able to hear anything about which he could ever testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the $10
million dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.