Smile

[PinkPoodle]

Ghost Ride

This story happened about a month ago, in a little town in Victoria,
and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale,
it's real.

This guy was on the side of the road near Terang,
hitchhiking, on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The
night was black and no cars went by.

The storm was so strong, he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car coming
towards him. It stopped. The guy, without thinking about it, got in
the car, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the
wheel.

The car started slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a
curve coming his way. Scared he starts to pray begging for his life.

He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a
hand appears through the window and moves the wheel.

The guy, paralysed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they get to a
curve. The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town.

Wet and in shock, he goes to a pub and asks for two shots of whiskey, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when
they realized the guy is crying and isn't drunk.

About half an hour
later, two blokes walked in the same pub and one said to the other.

"Look Bill, there's the 'wa*ker' that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!"

 

[PinkPoodle]

Who Want's To Be A Millionaire

Mick appeared on the Irish version of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" and was nearly at the end of the quiz with winnings of £500,000.

"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "But to get the $1million, you've only got one lifeline left - Phone a Friend. Everything is riding on this question...will you have a go?"


"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"OK. The question is, 'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? (a) Robin, (b) Sparrow, (c) Cuckoo or (d) Thrush."

"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and phone m' friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon."

Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple... it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick.

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with da Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer? Lock it in?" asked the host.

"Dat it is, Sir. Lock it in"

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won £1 million!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? I mean, you know fook-all about birds."

"Ah bejaysus!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a fookin' Cuckoo lives in a clock!"

 

[PinkPoodle]

No Shit

After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning.

He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.

He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"

The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."

The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a damn good sermon!"

The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"

The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate."

And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?"

 

[PinkPoodle]

Flower Show

Two old men are sitting outside the town hall, where a flower show is in
progress.

One complains, "Cripes, life is boring. We never have any fun! For $5,
I'll streak naked through the flower show!"

"You're on!" the other geriatric says.

The first old man fumbles out of his clothes and streaks through the
hall.

Waiting outside, his friend hears a commotion inside, followed by
applause.

Then the naked old man bursts through the door, surrounded by a cheering
crowd. "How did it go?" asks the friend.

"Great!" says the wrinkled streaker. "I won first prize for dried
arrangement!"

 

[PinkPoodle]

Room Key In Heaven

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering
the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.

St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple
question."

"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.

"Have you been a good girl ?", he asked the first girl.

"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still
virgin even after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.

"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was
not after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.

"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I practically have sex with every guy I
met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."

 

[ABBEY]

Whale Of A Good Time

There were 3 whales, a Mummy whale, a Daddy whale and a Baby whale. they were all swimming through the ocean when a fishing boat came along side the whales and shot Baby whale and dragged him on board and chopped him up into little pieces.

Mummy whale and Daddy whale were pretty upset and finally Daddy whale turned to Mummy whale and sdaid that he had a plan.

Mummy whale said " ah Fuck". Daddy whale replied " na, na love hear me out"
she then said " okay, Hurry up".

Daddy whale said I will dive down deep into the ocean and blow the boat out of the water and when all of the men fall of the boat You Mummy whale are to eat all of the men.

Mummy whale said " that would be fuckin right".
Daddy whale then said to her " what's you bloody problem now?".

Mummy whale said "you get the blow job and i have to eat all the seamen!!!!!"

ha, ha, ha

Love Abbey, xx

 

[lickedysplit]

roflroflroflroflrofl

 

[PinkPoodle]

A cub reporter covered a story about an attact on a woman by an escapee from a mental assylum. He returned with the story and a headline of "Woman raped, mental patient escapes".

The editor told him the headline needed a little punch to grab the reader's attention. After a while he came back with "Fiend Fucks and Flees".

The editor told him it was a family paper and they couldn't use a headline like that, go back and try again. Much later he came back with "Nut screws and bolts

 

[PinkPoodle]

A young doctor had moved into a small town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties:

"Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids"

The town fathers were greatly upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign:

"Queers & Rears"

The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople. So the Doctor finally came up with an acceptable sign:

"Odds & Ends"

 

[PinkPoodle]

Men

Frank scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing
alone.

He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most
-- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beerfuck," he said.

 

[PinkPoodle]

Big Tits

The Pope had been diagnosed as having a potentially fatal testicular disease and after treatment he was told that he had to have sex with a woman to confirm that the treatment had been fully successful. He called all his Cardinals together and told them what he had to be done and they agreed it was necessary.

The Pope said he would go ahead with it but insisted on four conditions.

"Firstly", he said " the girl has to be blind so she cannot see it's the Holy Father and tell the whole world"

"Secondly, she must be deaf so that she doesn't recognize the Holy Father's voice and tell the whole world"

"Thirdly, as a precaution, she has to be dumb so she cannot tell the whole world anyway".

At this point one of the Cardinals stood up and said " Leave it to me Holy Father, I know just the woman for you"

As the Cardinal was about to leave the Pope said " wait a moment, I told you there are four conditions".

He beckoned the Cardinal over and as the Cardinal bent down towards him, the Pope whispered in his ear ... "Big Tits!".

 

[PinkPoodle]

Suzy's Legs

There were three guys in a new bar that just openened and the bartender asked them what he should call his new bar.

One guy said, "just name it a pub." Another said, "just name it the bar." The thrid guy said, "name it Suzy's Legs".

The owner like that one so he called his bar Suzy's Legs.

The next morning, this same guy and his dog were sitting in front of the bar waiting for it to open when a cop drove by and asked what he was doing?

He replied...nothing officer..."just waiting for Suzy's Legs to open so I can get a drink!"

 

[PinkPoodle]

Sniffer

A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another
man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the 2 empty seats beside him.

The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking
quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best
there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first
man,"Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for
a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
handler's arm.

He says, "Good boy." The airline rep turns to the first man and says,
"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and
her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about,
sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and
places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is
carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes
up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then
comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the seat.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly
well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"

 

[PinkPoodle]

Face Lift

An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift.

He says "Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years."

The old lady says "Well tell me about them."

The doctor says, "For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for."

She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one."

He explains, "For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years."

The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one."

The doctor replies, "For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw."

The lady is delighted and has the surgery.

About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. "Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!"

The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Lady you aren't getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your boobs and if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a moustache

 

[PinkPoodle]

New Inventions By Blondes

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlights

Submarine screen doors

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart boards

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chairs

Water proof tea bags

Watermelon seed sorter

Zero proof alchohol

Reusable ice cubes

See through tiolet tissue

Skinless bananas

Do it yourself roadmap

Helicopter ejector seat

 

[PinkPoodle]

For Girls 30 Over And The Guys Who Are Scared Of Them

This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes.

Andy Rooney says:


As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all.
Here are just a few reasons why.

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the
night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it.
She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is,whatshe is, what she wants and from whom.

Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends.
A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.

Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends
because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.

once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you
are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart,
well-coiffed hot woman of 30+,, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

 

[PinkPoodle]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

 

[PinkPoodle]

In Need Of Prayer

A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money.

By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.

The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.

The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention..."

 

[PinkPoodle]

Over The Hill

Two elderly ladies were sitting on a porch rocking back and forth in rocking chairs. "Sally," said one, "do you ever think about the hereafter?"

As quick as a flash, Sally replied, "All the time! I go into a room and look around and say, "Now what was it I came in here after?"

 

[PinkPoodle]

Instruction's On How To Clean Your Toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

 

[PinkPoodle]

Cure For A Cold

Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass
bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried
to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no
longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?" I was walking through the park
a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had a cold all winter."

 

[PinkPoodle]

Men Without Dicks

There were 3 men born without dicks.

The first man went to he doctor and said "doctor doctor I need your help I was born without a dick!''

So the doctor gave him a wooden one.

The second man went to the doctor and said " doctor doctor help me I was born without a dick!"

So the doctor gave him a metal one.

The third man went to the doctor and said "doctor doctor help me, I was born without a dick!"

So the doctor gave him an electric one.

After a week the men went back to the doctor.

The first guy said to the doctor "doctor doctor I hate you, everytime I have sex with my girl she gets splinters!"

The second man said "doctor doctor I hate you everytime I have sex with my girl she gets the shivers!"

The third man said to the doctor " doctor doctor, I LOVE you, everytime I have sex with my girl her boobs light up!"

 

[PinkPoodle]

Hard As Stone

There once were 3 brothers who were having the Talk with their mom. She told them that they should NEVER look at naked girls or they would turn to stone.

The next day their mom left for dinner with a bunch of her friends and she had hired a baby sitter who just happened to be really hot.

She told the boys to just watch tv because she was going to take a shower.

The three boys made a silent disision: They crept up the stairs and peaked through a gap in the door where they could see the baby sitter undressing.

She took off her shirt and the first brother, remembering what his mother said, took off to his room.

She started to take off her pants and the second brother also remembered what his mom said and he went to the room with his brother.

The third and oldest brother stayed to watch until she was only in her panties and then he screamed and ran to his room crying and hid under the bed.

Their mother came home to find the babysitter trying to coax the little boy out from under the bed.

She asked what was wrong and the little boy screamed, "Mommy you were right! I saw a naked lady and my wee wee turned to stone!"

 

[PinkPoodle]

Life In A Mental Hospital

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a
car, with his hands at 10 and 2.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?"

Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now, I'm driving to Melbourne!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving
his imaginary car -and she asks, "Well Charlie, how was your trip?"

Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need
some rest."

"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."

The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into
another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating
vigorously.

Shocked, she shouts, "Ed - what are you doing?"

To which Ed replies, "Sssshhh, I'm shagging Charlie's wife while he's in
Melbourne".

 

[Mary Anne PA]

I can see you need to take up a hobby pink poodle... LOL

 

[lana]

CONFUSIUS SAYS:
>
>
> Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
> * Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone.
> * Man who run in front of car get tired.
> * Man who run behind car get exhausted.
> * Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
> * Foolish man give wife grand piano, Wise man give wife upright organ.
> * Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
> * Man with one chopstick go hungry.
> * Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
> * Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
> * War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
> * Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
> * Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.
> * It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
> * Man who drives like hell, bound to get there.
> * Man who sit on tack get point.
> * Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
> * Man who lives in glass house should only undress in dark.
> * Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
> * Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion.
> * Crowded elevator smells different to midget.


Lana

 

[Tiggirl]

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"

 

[lana]

why is it????

WHY????

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there
is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw
a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the
Special Olympics?

If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing
here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem
longer?

If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it
a hostage situation

Do you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be
a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see
you naked anyway.


Lana

 

[cli-max]

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

You're still sharing a laugh with us, you crack me up Lala :-X

 

[PinkPoodle]

Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through
Immigration.

The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all them tests, but one. Unless you pass it, you cannot be a citizen of Australia."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, "Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you, and works at the Telstra helpdesk.