• Lots of naked NEW Members on the forum plz add an AVATAR we are adding them if you don't if you don't like change them.

Smile

Status
Not open for further replies.
A

Amanda

Jokes 4 the boys...

Hiya all...

I came across these jokes today, girls, if you read them, don't take offence, I had a giggle!!!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
B

br4fun

White Goods

one that should never be forgotten Amanda is, and sorry in advance !

Why do women wear white on their wedding day ?
Because all kitched whitegoods come in white.
 
O

Oscar

CHUCKLE!! Rolf1 chuckle!!Hehehe! OOooooo you are Cruu--el! I like it! :alien:
 
K

KateandGrae

Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Never mind that - what was she doing out of the kitchen??

:D
K.
 
O

Oscar

Q. Why does it take a blonde twice as long to build a snowman? A.It's hard to hollow out the head! Sorry!Ladies. :icon_prof
 
C

cutensexy

on that note........cute goes to the bathroom to find a brunette dye for her hair!!!!!!!!!!

geez we get a rap dont we!!!!!!!!!!! lol :iamwithst
 
J

Jentleman Jim

Half a smile you guys, cause i dont want to fend any body :angel1: ,,,,,,,,,,,OK i was rolling around on the floor :angel12:
 
O

Oscar

:iamwithst -backed in to the bin-sat there for a minuite-then drove back to the loader-was quite surprised when told"Did you forget something"!She'd forgotten to tip the load off!!!!!!
 
O

Oscar

SORRY! moticon,stole half the story.any way she was a brunette we have on site.
 
B

br4fun

Wife Story # 1

This is a tue story -

My beautiful lady works in a retail business, an Italian Gentlemen walks in and say's his name is Tony, she asks his surname, he says it is long do you want me to spell it for you, she says no thanks I think I have it and she writes his name as ... Tony Long - not your average Italian surname - he couldn't stop laughing, had to leave the shop to collect himself.

I am sure there are many more I could tell, but would imagine their are plenty others out there as well and not just against the Ladies.
 
D

DnSPerth

jokes

Ha Ha I loooove the jokes but just to even it up slightly;

What is the useless fleshy bit at the end of a man's penis?
The man

and

Why do Doctors smack the bottoms of new born babies?
To knock the willies off of the smart ones

:headbang: Sandy
 
B

BigBlackCock

Hmm, your friend like the pic "of the young guy with the big dong". She was obviously referring to my big black cock!
 

Attachments

  • big_black_cock.jpg
    big_black_cock.jpg
    23.4 KB · Views: 89
M

mochagirl

A middle aged woman standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,

"I look, horrible. I'm fat, my boobs and my backside are getting more saggy by the day, I find a new wrinkle every morning and I think I'll have to go up yet ANOTHER dress size".

Sitting down with her head in her hands she continues,

"I just feel so old and ugly... can you please at least pay me one compliment?".

The husband replies.....

" Well if it's any concillation, your eyesight's f*#&ing spot on!!".

Brandi
 
A

AsianOzCple

Hehehe

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.

The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."


So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.


The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.


The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.


The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
 
P

PinkPoodle

Heaven Is Full

God calls St Peter and says, "St Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full.
However, we have a number of high profile candidates waiting at the Gates, and we are falling from popularity."

"So, I'm going to throw out Mother Theresa and let in one of the celebrities at the gate. You will have to go and decide who is the most suitable."

St Peter goes down to the Pearly Gates and finds Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace, and Princess Diana waiting for him.

He says, "I'm afraid I can only let one of you in, so each of you must come up with a reason why you should be admitted to heaven."

Freddie Mercury says, "I've been gifted with one of the most beautiful voices to ever grace the earth. I'll spend my time in Heaven singing praises to God with the choir of angels. Heaven will never have sounded better."

Gianni Versace says, "I was Earth's greatest designer. I will outfit the cherubs and angels in all the latest fashions. Long silky gowns, satin cloaks and nightwear spun from the very clouds we stand on. Heaven will have never looked better."

Diana blushes a little, looks around nervously and seems unable to find something suitable to say. Suddenly she strips off her skirt and panties, whips out a bottle of Perrier, and shakes it up and douches with it.

St Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may enter. Have a nice day."

Freddie and Gianni are mortified.

"What's going on here?" Freddie cries. "We could make heaven look and sound better than ever before, and she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and we don't!"

St Peter just shrugs his shoulders and says,

"Sorry guys, but a Royal Flush beats a pair of Queens any day."
 
P

PinkPoodle

Cash or Candy

Nuns ran a orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia.

One day, the Mother Superior called in three teenage girls who were about to leave and seek their way in life.

"You have led a very sheltered life and you are going into an extremely sinful world," she said.

"I must warn you that men will take advantage of you. They will do anything to get their way. They will take you to restaurants, buy you drinks, and dinner, then back to their apartments and motels where they'll undress you, do terrible things, give you twenty or thirty dollars and kick you out."

"Excuse me, Mother," one of the girls asked.

"You mean men will take advantage of us and give us cash?"

"Yes child, why do you ask?"

"Because the priests only gave us candy!"
 
P

PinkPoodle

Animal Trainer

Last time the circus came to town, an Ad, for a Animal Trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up: A male and a female.

The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.

The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips.

The owner asked who would like to go first and the man said,

"Ladies before Gentlemen."

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The Tiger leapt into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

The Tiger then circled her, sniffing the air, ..... then suddenly leaped toward her, put it's face between her legs and started licking.

She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by it's ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger's face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said,

"That's quite an act, ...Think you can do better than that?"

The man spat out his cigar, licked his lips and said,

"No Problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!"
 
P

PinkPoodle

Five Dollars Worth

Two young boys played in a vacant lot every day, and across the road was a brothel.

Day after day they saw men go up, knock on the door, go in, and eventually come out happy and smiling.

One day they became curious and decided to see what was going on.

The Madam answers the door and looks down at the boys, and asks what they want.

They explain what they saw, and tell her that they are curious as to what goes on inside.

The Madam thinks for a moment, shrugs, and says, "Do you have 5 dollars?"

Both boys dig deep into their pockets and come up with a total of fifty cents.

She says, "OK, that will have to do," as she proceeds to lift her skirt and pull down her panties.

She tells both boys to take a sniff, which they do. She closes the door and the boys proceed home.

About half way down the block one boy turns to the other and says,

"Ya know Joey, I don't think I coulda stood 5 dollars worth of that!"
 
P

PinkPoodle

Fuzz

Phillip and Phoebe are parked in Lover's Lane.

He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore with the other hand.

Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman with a torch approaching.

"Awwwww Hell!" he murmured, "Fuzz!"

"What did ya expect?" Phoebe sez, "A Perm?"
 
P

Paris

A little low brow......

A blonde walks into her local GP and tells the doctor that she is suffering from a strange problem... "Tell me about it" says the GP.
"Well... my pussy whistles when I walk"
"This is strange" agrees the doctor. "Walk to the door and back, I need to hear this".
So the blonde walks to the door and back, and just she said, a lovely whistle could be heard easily. "What do you think?" asks the blonde.
The doc shakes his head, "I think we need a second opinion, I will call a colleague".
The doc calls a gynaecologist... "I need a second opinion" he says to the gyno. "I have a young lady here who is complaining of a whistling coming from her pussy, I will ask her to demonstrate for you".
The blonde walks to the door and back again, as before a lovely whistle is heard.
"Well what do you think" asks the GP.
The gynaecologist is quick to diagnose.... "Sounds like a c*nt whistling" he says!!!!!!!!!!
BOOM BOOM!!​



A man brings home a cocksucking dog and gives it to his wife.
She says "What the f*ck am I supposed to do with this?"
He says "Teach it to cook!! and then F*CK off!!!"

Do you know what it means to come home to a woman who gives you love, tenderness, understanding, compassion, and fantastic sex?

It means you're in the wrong f*cking house!!!!!!!!!!!

:nono: :nono: :nono:​

A friend asks me one day if I would do a marathon... I tell him "F*ck off"

He says.. "It's for disadvantaged and blind kids"

I wonder about this for a second and think... "F*ck, I could win this!!!"

:wav:

I warned you....hehe!
 
C

cli-max

Ha Ha

Thanks for the laughs Paris, it's even funnier 'coz it comes from you babe :angel12:
Keep 'em coming.

xx Max
 
G

Glamourpuss

Only in Townsvilee...???

An enduring mystery
Author: John Andersen
Publication: Townsville Bulletin (010,Sat 04 Jun 2005)

WESTERN civilisation has become a throw-away society in which objects of materialistic desire like toasters, hair dryers and pedestal fans are tossed out for no other reason than that they have become passe, the crystals and mung bean set tells us.
No one knows the philosophy of new age consumerism better than Bowen dumpologist Mick Wright. Mick is a veritable Margaret Mead when it comes to unravelling the anthropological mysteries of Bowen's waste disposal facility.
For example, (this may take you by surprise), the number one item or items to be discarded at the Bowen dump are sex toys. They by far lead all other household and industrial goods disposed of by the hard working populace of this industrious tomato-growing megapolis. ``We get boxes of them. And there's everything. I've had the lot,'' he said.
He tells the story of a young woman driving into the dump.
She drove past, gave him a wave and called hello. Later, when Mick was doing his rounds, he went to where the woman had unloaded her rubbish and found a box full of sex toys.
``That's what she'd left. No one else had been there,'' he said. Mick admits to being mystified. He's thought about it and has asked himself why many times, and can only come up with the answer that people entering new relationships or ending old ones must get rid of their gadgets.
``I think girls get a new boyfriend and they get rid of the toys,'' he surmised. Mercifully, Mick doesn't recycle the sex toys through the shop at the dump. ``I bury them. We get a lot of kids come out here,'' he said solemnly.
[Glam says- you gotta love Mick!!]
 
P

PinkPoodle

The Young Preacher

A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man who died with no family or friends.

The funeral was being held way out in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way.

When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

The workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent preacher went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place, but still he poured out his heart and preached a impassioned and lengthy service.

Returning to his car, the young preacher felt he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness.

As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking to another worker.

"I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years and I ain't never seen anything like that before, and it sort of gives a new meaning to the term of Holy Shit."
 
P

PinkPoodle

Hot Sauce

Three guys were challenged by a girl who said,

"Whoever makes me scream the most gets $100."

The White Guy goes in and comes back out in half an hour and says,

"Damn! I just couldn't make her scream."

The Black Guy goes in for an hour and comes out saying,

"Man, it's just not possible!"

Finally, The Chinese Man goes in with a smile on his face. He returns after ten minutes and forty screams.

Both the other guys say, "How in the hell did you do that?"

"Me play old trick," he says, I put hot sauce on my poker."
 
P

PinkPoodle

Dirty Poem Contest

A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, "I'm really hungry and thirsty too."

It was freezing in the house and they both have an argument about who should get the food and drink.

After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever could come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.

They both think for a while when the guy says,

"Okay, I've got one, two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine."

So, she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay, two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."
 
P

PinkPoodle

Wart

Two friends are having coffee when the first woman says,

"I heard that you have been telling people that I'm ugly!"

"Oh No, I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."

"I also heard that you have been calling me fat!"

"Oh No, I've just been saying that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than what you really are!"

"I also heard that you've been saying that my husband has a wart on his dick?"

"Oh No, I only said that it felt like he had a wart on his dick."
 
P

PinkPoodle

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems... "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

Incredible" he says, "there is a $20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a $10 note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last Note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dareden?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "$1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit", says the Irishman

"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top