Elizabeth1
Silver Member
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Ahahaha Woody goes buzzzzzzzzzzz
Are you sure you're not playing with your own toys honey!!!!!
Are you sure you're not playing with your own toys honey!!!!!
Alan Driver VIP Perth
Gold Member
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What do you call a lesbian Platypus?........
Lick a lot a pussy
Lick a lot a pussy
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Funny sex jokes - sex partners
A doctor asks a patient while examining her:
- How many sex partners did you have?
- 5 or 6, don't remember exactly..
- Hmm, not that many...
- Yes, that wasn't the most successful weekend...
Read more at http://www.funny-jokes-quotes.com/funny-sex-jokes.html#Fl65M4pf2Kc5alO2.99
A doctor asks a patient while examining her:
- How many sex partners did you have?
- 5 or 6, don't remember exactly..
- Hmm, not that many...
- Yes, that wasn't the most successful weekend...
Read more at http://www.funny-jokes-quotes.com/funny-sex-jokes.html#Fl65M4pf2Kc5alO2.99
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Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life...
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An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
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Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, “I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.” “I don’t think I have ever heard of that one,” says the other cowboy. “What is it?” “Well, it’s where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, ‘boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.’ Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds.”
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what is this 2018????
T
Tania Admin
Ha ha ha ha ha ha
T
Tania Admin
Hehehehe
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An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.
The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.
The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hits a fantastic shot that lands on the green thirty feet from the hole. As the American businessman knows a small amount of French he says: “Tir fantastique”, which means “Fantastic shot”. The French businessman replies: “Merci”.
The third guest, who is from Japan, tees off and amazingly the ball goes straight in the hole, a hole in one! The American businessman doesn’t know many Japanese words or phrases but when he dated a Japanese girl during his overseas business trips she used to moan when he made love to her and she would shout out “Ura-ana, ura-ana”, and which he repeats to his Japanese guest. The Japanese businessman replies: “What do you mean, wrong hole?”
The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiro”, which means “Good shot”. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazie”.
The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hits a fantastic shot that lands on the green thirty feet from the hole. As the American businessman knows a small amount of French he says: “Tir fantastique”, which means “Fantastic shot”. The French businessman replies: “Merci”.
The third guest, who is from Japan, tees off and amazingly the ball goes straight in the hole, a hole in one! The American businessman doesn’t know many Japanese words or phrases but when he dated a Japanese girl during his overseas business trips she used to moan when he made love to her and she would shout out “Ura-ana, ura-ana”, and which he repeats to his Japanese guest. The Japanese businessman replies: “What do you mean, wrong hole?”
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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.
“Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?” “Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!”
“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.
“Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow…”
“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?” “I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?”
“It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”
Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen.
“Pretty much the way you do,” responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?” “Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!”
“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.
“Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow…”
“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?” “I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?”
“It was horrible,” he replies. “All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”
She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.
She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this!”.
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A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the f–k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”.
The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”
He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the f–k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”.
The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”
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A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been
> in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to
> rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On
> doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and
> tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests
> he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is
> any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and
> this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that
> the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait
>
> outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man
> to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about
> five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor
> his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which
> the man replies: "She choked."
> in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to
> rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On
> doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and
> tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests
> he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is
> any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and
> this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that
> the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait
>
> outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man
> to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about
> five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor
> his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which
> the man replies: "She choked."
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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He
> puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
> astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this
> alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the
> gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open
> his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for
> witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
> The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the
> bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the
> alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the
> crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
> bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its
> head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his
> genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the
> first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up
> again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's
> willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.
> After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A
> woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise
> not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
> puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
> astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this
> alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the
> gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open
> his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for
> witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
> The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the
> bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the
> alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the
> crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
> bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its
> head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his
> genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the
> first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up
> again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's
> willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.
> After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A
> woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise
> not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
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Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
> for a number of years when he came home one day to confess
> to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an
> urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife
> suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
> it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He
> vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few
> weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife
> could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
> "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I
> told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis
> into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I
> did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No,
> Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
> "Oh...she got fired too."
>
> for a number of years when he came home one day to confess
> to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an
> urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife
> suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
> it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He
> vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few
> weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife
> could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
> "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I
> told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis
> into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I
> did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No,
> Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
> "Oh...she got fired too."
>
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A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get
> you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"
> responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating
> something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let >> >
> me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6
> shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
>
> you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"
> responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating
> something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let >> >
> me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6
> shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
>
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There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
> They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
> the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey,
> we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied,
> "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
> breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We
> were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years
> ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should
> we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and
> sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old
> lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you
> today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be
> surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
> the other is in your oatmeal||||||
> They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
> the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey,
> we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied,
> "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
> breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We
> were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years
> ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should
> we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and
> sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old
> lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you
> today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be
> surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
> the other is in your oatmeal||||||
Suzette
Silver Member
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Love it has made me smile
Suzette
Silver Member
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I have a visit to the optician tomorrow I will be very careful today and the hands will not wander from the keyboard
This is so funny I am in the age bracket and I will watch where the titties are placed
How true
I know many with this attitude makes my knees tremble at the thought
So true in more ways than one.
It reminds me of a hospital bed that has many positions up, down sideways, knees bent, head up.
Yes I have heard a few comments in the past of well hung men that one is frightening
I wonder if any spines form the cactus went into the netherlands
A Lawyer quote from the interent I decided that law was the opposite of sex even when it was good it was lousy
Yes I have seen the elderly at times and wonder if they would make it but if they did not they would die happy
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T
Tania Admin
Ha ha ha ha ha
Suzette
Silver Member
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A friend tried to give a bottle that was opened he received for Christmas I think he was offended that I refused
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came across these (not literally) on the net and thought them worthy of a laugh and thought I would share.
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Q: What are the two main ingredients in Cialis?
A: Miracle Gro & Fix-a-flat!
A: Miracle Gro & Fix-a-flat!
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Whats the generic form of Cialis?
Mycoxaflopin.
Mycoxaflopin.
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Diarrhea
Six year old boy stuck on the toilet with Diarrhea. He starts yelling for his mom to please bring him some Cialis. Mom asks her son why he thinks he needs Cialis. The boy says, "Well thats what you give dad when his shit don't get hard."
Six year old boy stuck on the toilet with Diarrhea. He starts yelling for his mom to please bring him some Cialis. Mom asks her son why he thinks he needs Cialis. The boy says, "Well thats what you give dad when his shit don't get hard."