- Status
- Points
- 2,371
- Points
- 2,371
Your parrot, he is dead
At dawn the telephone rings,
"Hello, Señor Roy? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Roy."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Roy."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Roy, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Roy."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Roy."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Roy. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief,
so I hit her with your new Ping G20 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE...........
LONG SILENCE.........
VERY LONG SILENCE…………
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."
At dawn the telephone rings,
"Hello, Señor Roy? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Roy."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Roy."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Roy, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Roy."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Roy."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Roy. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief,
so I hit her with your new Ping G20 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE...........
LONG SILENCE.........
VERY LONG SILENCE…………
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."
- Points
- 12
For those travelling at Christmas....
Shortly before Christmas, a business man was anxious to get home. The business trip had been grueling and he was not in a particularly good mood. The airport loudspeakers blared Christmas carols he was sick of hearing. He thought their decorations were tacky. The worst decoration, he thought, was the plastic mistletoe hung over the luggage scale.
Being in a grumpy mood, he said to the woman at the counter, "You know, even if I weren't married, I wouldn't kiss you."
"That's not what it's there for," said the attendant. "It's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
Shortly before Christmas, a business man was anxious to get home. The business trip had been grueling and he was not in a particularly good mood. The airport loudspeakers blared Christmas carols he was sick of hearing. He thought their decorations were tacky. The worst decoration, he thought, was the plastic mistletoe hung over the luggage scale.
Being in a grumpy mood, he said to the woman at the counter, "You know, even if I weren't married, I wouldn't kiss you."
"That's not what it's there for," said the attendant. "It's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
- Points
- 12
And to make you groan...
John and his wife Mary go away to Russia for Christmas and meet up with a local lad named Rudolf.
One day they are sitting outside a cafe and John says "how lovely, it's starting to snow"
Rudolf corrects him and says "no John that's rain".
John insists it's starting to snow and Rudolf insists it's rain.
Mary turns to John and backs Rudolf up by saying.....
"Rudolf the red knows rain dear"
John and his wife Mary go away to Russia for Christmas and meet up with a local lad named Rudolf.
One day they are sitting outside a cafe and John says "how lovely, it's starting to snow"
Rudolf corrects him and says "no John that's rain".
John insists it's starting to snow and Rudolf insists it's rain.
Mary turns to John and backs Rudolf up by saying.....
"Rudolf the red knows rain dear"
- Points
- 32
A widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach in Sydney.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
"Yes, I live in Bondi Junction", he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy-cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate love making of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied,
"How did you know my name was Katz?"
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
"Yes, I live in Bondi Junction", he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy-cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate love making of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied,
"How did you know my name was Katz?"
- Points
- 2,371
I was leaning up against a bar and this little Asian guy comes in and stands next to me.
After about 5 minutes, I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things,
like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why a fluck you ask me dat?
It coz I Chinee?"
"No, no" I said.
"It's 'cos you're drinking my beer, you slanty-eyed little prick!"
After about 5 minutes, I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things,
like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why a fluck you ask me dat?
It coz I Chinee?"
"No, no" I said.
"It's 'cos you're drinking my beer, you slanty-eyed little prick!"
Obbie
Legend Member
- Points
- 685
Yeah but the smelly tree doesn't x
scarlett lee
Gold Member
- Points
- 0
Q: What do you call a prostitute's baby?
A: A brothel sprout!
A: A brothel sprout!
- Points
- 12
One for Happy Pirate:
An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins." How am I doing?" He asks." Three knots," she replies." Three knots? What's that mean?" "You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."
An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins." How am I doing?" He asks." Three knots," she replies." Three knots? What's that mean?" "You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back."
- Points
- 2,371
Ahoy;-
Dr Oz said that to reach inner peace we should always finish things we start, and we all could use more calm in our lives during the hectic Holiday season.
I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now.
Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.
Dr Oz said that to reach inner peace we should always finish things we start, and we all could use more calm in our lives during the hectic Holiday season.
I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now.
Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.
- Points
- 0
- Points
- 2,371
Ahoy Bro JohnLou, I do agree one maid is certainly better than a whole crew of sailors LOL
happypirate what about the maid ??
- Points
- 0
lol thats what i was tinking but 2 or more is even better
depending on the energy level
T
Tania Admin
- Points
- 2,371
Psychiatrist vs. Bartender
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'
FORGET THE SHRINKS.. HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'
FORGET THE SHRINKS.. HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
- Points
- 2,371
After 35 years of marriage, a husband
and wife came for counselling.
When asked what the problem was,
the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up,
walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand,
he then embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly
sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
After some consideration, the husband said "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,but;- on Fridays, I play golf."
and wife came for counselling.
When asked what the problem was,
the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up,
walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand,
he then embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly
sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
After some consideration, the husband said "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,but;- on Fridays, I play golf."
C
cimsagrO
Interesting night last night. Out of the blue, as i walked up to the bed, my wife turned over and said " If you turn out the light, you can stick it up my ass tonight". How could i resist?? Poor girl didnt walk properly for 3 days, thought to myself " should have let the bulb cool down first!!"
- Points
- 32
Farmboy2 is passing by Happy2's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Happy2 doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Farmboy2 rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Happy2 ?"
"Good grief, Farmboy2, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Happy2. "But me'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Farmboy2 rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Happy2 ?"
"Good grief, Farmboy2, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Happy2. "But me'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
- Points
- 2,371
Ahoy LOL;- H2+FB2+BB= Guys you all need some Therapy LOL
- Points
- 32
DAMM AUTO CORRECT...
Text from daughter to mum:
Hello Mum, I need your advice. I have some of my boyfriends cum stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have to cut it out?
Text from mum to daughter:
It’s nice you can send me such an honest text. No, you wont have to cut it out. I`ve had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out.
Daughter back to mum:
Oh my God, Mum sorry, I meant to put GUM !!
Text from daughter to mum:
Hello Mum, I need your advice. I have some of my boyfriends cum stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have to cut it out?
Text from mum to daughter:
It’s nice you can send me such an honest text. No, you wont have to cut it out. I`ve had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out.
Daughter back to mum:
Oh my God, Mum sorry, I meant to put GUM !!
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