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What is the speed limit of sex?
68
because at 69 you have to turn around!
No matter how many times I hear/say this it doesn't get any less HILARIOUS. lol
68
because at 69 you have to turn around!
No matter how many times I hear/say this it doesn't get any less HILARIOUS. lol
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- Points
- 2,371
Ahoy;- The Bank
A crusty old man(probably a old Pirate) walks into a bank & says, "I wanna open a fucking saving account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated here."
She goes to the bank manager to complain.
Manager agrees such foul language can't be accepted.
They both return to the window & ask the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
Old man: "There is no fucking problem, I just won $200 million bucks in the fucking lottery & I want to put my fucking money in this fucking bank."
Manager: "I see, And is this bitch giving you a fucking hard time sir?"
A crusty old man(probably a old Pirate) walks into a bank & says, "I wanna open a fucking saving account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated here."
She goes to the bank manager to complain.
Manager agrees such foul language can't be accepted.
They both return to the window & ask the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
Old man: "There is no fucking problem, I just won $200 million bucks in the fucking lottery & I want to put my fucking money in this fucking bank."
Manager: "I see, And is this bitch giving you a fucking hard time sir?"
- Points
- 2,371
Your parrot, he is dead
At dawn the telephone rings,
"Hello, Señor Roy? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Roy."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Roy."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Roy, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Roy."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Roy."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Roy. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief,
so I hit her with your new Ping G20 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE...........
LONG SILENCE.........
VERY LONG SILENCE…………
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."
At dawn the telephone rings,
"Hello, Señor Roy? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Roy."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Roy."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Roy, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Roy."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Roy."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Roy. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief,
so I hit her with your new Ping G20 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE...........
LONG SILENCE.........
VERY LONG SILENCE…………
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."
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- 2,371
An Old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again.
"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmm, $10,000... OK, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?' "Nah," says the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much!"
-
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again.
"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmm, $10,000... OK, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?' "Nah," says the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much!"
-
- Points
- 2,371
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.
It is opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"
Little boy: "What the f--k do you think?"
It is opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"
Little boy: "What the f--k do you think?"
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There's nothing quite like pranking the prankster. lol
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/entertainment/2013/11/21/10/04/infamous-prankster-gets-pranked
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/entertainment/2013/11/21/10/04/infamous-prankster-gets-pranked
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- 2,371
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenlyBubba says,
"Think I'm gonna divorce the wife – she hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.
"Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,
"Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."
"Think I'm gonna divorce the wife – she hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.
"Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,
"Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."
- Points
- 2,371
I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim with the most amazingly coloured parrot perched on her shoulder.
"Where did you get that from ?" I asked.
"Christmas Island, There's f........thousands of 'em!" ........said the Parrot
"Where did you get that from ?" I asked.
"Christmas Island, There's f........thousands of 'em!" ........said the Parrot
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The Italian Funeral Dog
An Italian man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he
noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50
Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back,
were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
Italian man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you,
but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of Italian brotherhood and silence
passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
An Italian man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he
noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50
Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back,
were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
Italian man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you,
but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of Italian brotherhood and silence
passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
- Points
- 2,371
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked.'Not yet,' she said. 'I'll make coffee and we can talk for a while first.'Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?' 'No, not yet,' she said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?''WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?
''BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked.'Not yet,' she said. 'I'll make coffee and we can talk for a while first.'Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?' 'No, not yet,' she said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?''WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?
''BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'
- Points
- 12
John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful mommy. The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly daddy. Her note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to the lady in the kitchen. His note read:
The Tent Pole’s Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You’re Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs. Her note read:
I’m Sure That Your Pole’s
The Best In The Land.
But I’m Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into he room and asked him to take this note to your beautiful mommy. The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to take this to your silly daddy. Her note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to the lady in the kitchen. His note read:
The Tent Pole’s Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You’re Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take this to the poor dude upstairs. Her note read:
I’m Sure That Your Pole’s
The Best In The Land.
But I’m Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand.
T
Tania Admin
Happy2
Legend Member
- Points
- 23
You got me wondering Tania If a girl swallows a mans living swimming sperm
Is that cannibalism? Because they are now food aren't they?
T
Tania Admin
lol I hadn't thought of it that way,,but in saying this eating pumpkin seeds doesn't mean your eating a pumpkin I guess
Happy2
Legend Member
- Points
- 23
Of course you are .Same as if your eating caviar your still eating Salmon arent you Just as if you have lambs fry your still eating sheeplol I hadn't thought of it that way,,but in saying this eating pumpkin seeds doesn't mean your eating a pumpkin I guess
Sorry I had better finish This is for jokes only aint it?
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A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"
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An Aussie was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside
him so he leans over and says,
"You remind me of my little toe"
She replies, "What? You Mean;- I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk.
him so he leans over and says,
"You remind me of my little toe"
She replies, "What? You Mean;- I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk.
- Points
- 12
Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.
She says, “Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you’d like to come into my bedroom.”
Santa responds, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”
The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says, “I’ve got something special for you Santa. Can’t you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable.”
Santa responds, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”
Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says, “Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift.”
Santa responds “Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can’t get up the chimney with my cock this way!!!”
She says, “Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you’d like to come into my bedroom.”
Santa responds, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”
The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says, “I’ve got something special for you Santa. Can’t you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable.”
Santa responds, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.”
Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says, “Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift.”
Santa responds “Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can’t get up the chimney with my cock this way!!!”
- Points
- 12
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".
- Points
- 12
He laid her on the table.
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...
He looked inside.
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
And then he stuffed the turkey.
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat.
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast.
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...
He looked inside.
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...
And then he stuffed the turkey.
- Points
- 2,371
The Jolly Season HoHoHo
Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several beers, followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling a jollyRoger I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before ..
. I took a cab home!
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and surprise because?????
I had never driven a cab before,
I don't even know where I got it,
and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it!!!
Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several beers, followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling a jollyRoger I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before ..
. I took a cab home!
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and surprise because?????
I had never driven a cab before,
I don't even know where I got it,
and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it!!!
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- 0
lol put it on ebay , one of the Singh's from India might take it off your hands
thats is before they run over someone or rape a passenger while she sleeps .
Happy2
Legend Member
- Points
- 23
Thats not a moderate retort from a moderatorlol put it on ebay , one of the Singh's from India might take it off your hands
Second is it a racist remark if its true?
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