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- 0
- Status
- Points
- 56
OMG.....Ginger....before you granted me a ..like...to the Salt Shaker joke you actually did it didn't you..... lol
- Points
- 0
- Points
- 56
T
Tania Admin
One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?" To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!" The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm". The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!
T
Tania Admin
A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after. The service man opened the bonnet and after a while the he said " It looks like you've blown a seal ", the man replies "No, it's just frost on my moustache."
- Points
- 12
An old married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"
- Points
- 12
Voodoo Penis
A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied,
"Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."
The rest is history.
A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied,
"Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."
The rest is history.
T
Tania Admin
Funny as!
Langtrres VIP Perth 4
Silver Member
- Points
- 0
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!
- Points
- 2,371
It was coming to the end of the day and sitting in his tiny near deserted local pub in Mt. Isa was an Aboriginal called Cactus.
He was having a few beers as usual when a short well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards Cactus and whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
Cactus leaped up with fire in his eyes knocked the gay man off his stool and smacked the shit out of him.
He dragged him out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the car park and returned to his seat at the bar.
Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly brought over another beer to Cactus and said, "I've never seen you react as badly as that before.
What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," Cactus replied.. "Something about a job."
He was having a few beers as usual when a short well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards Cactus and whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
Cactus leaped up with fire in his eyes knocked the gay man off his stool and smacked the shit out of him.
He dragged him out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the car park and returned to his seat at the bar.
Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly brought over another beer to Cactus and said, "I've never seen you react as badly as that before.
What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," Cactus replied.. "Something about a job."
T
Tania Admin
Ouch!
T
Tania Admin
T
Tania Admin
- Points
- 2,371
Ahoy;-------Resetting The Password
"Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired
you must register a new one."
roses “Sorry, too few characters."
pretty roses
"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."
1 pretty rose
"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."
1prettyrose
"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."
1fuckingprettyrose
"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."
1FUCKINGprettyrose
"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."
1FuckingPrettyRose
"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow!
"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow
"Sorry, that password is already in use."
"Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired
you must register a new one."
roses “Sorry, too few characters."
pretty roses
"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."
1 pretty rose
"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."
1prettyrose
"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."
1fuckingprettyrose
"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."
1FUCKINGprettyrose
"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."
1FuckingPrettyRose
"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow!
"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow
"Sorry, that password is already in use."
- Points
- 0
A Biker walked into a chemist shop in Adelaide, and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.
The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and what ever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The biker then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ......permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best We can do is:
1/3 ownership in the shop ....
A company car...
Five home cooked dinners a week ..
And $3,000 a month in living expenses
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.
The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and what ever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The biker then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ......permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best We can do is:
1/3 ownership in the shop ....
A company car...
Five home cooked dinners a week ..
And $3,000 a month in living expenses
T
Tania Admin
A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.
The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies "He is a midget".
The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies "He is a midget".
Happy2
Legend Member
- Points
- 23
A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly.
The pilot speaks over the intercom ... "I'm sorry it has come to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne".
Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's speed continues to decrease. Once again the pilot gets on the intercom, "I hate to do this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this
alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'".
"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?" There was no answer so the
pilot calls, "Black people, are there any black people on board?"
Again silence.
"C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?
Still there is silence.
A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother and said, "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black? Ain't we coloured?"
She replied, "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers. Let them do the Muslims first. If that don't work we is Zulus".
T
Tania Admin
This made me laugh so hard. Funny as!
- Points
- 2,371
Ahoy The Fisherman
The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?
The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?
- Points
- 2,371
Wedding anniversary
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Navy Chief and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said, Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out." She giggled and said "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and said, " Mission Accomplished."
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Navy Chief and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said, Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out." She giggled and said "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and said, " Mission Accomplished."
- Points
- 2,371
Ahoy;------ The Dentist
Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over towards his patient to start on her teeth, he was startled.
"Excuse me, Miss, those are my balls that you are holding."
"I know" she answered sweetly. "Let us be very careful not to hurt each other.......OK?"
Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over towards his patient to start on her teeth, he was startled.
"Excuse me, Miss, those are my balls that you are holding."
"I know" she answered sweetly. "Let us be very careful not to hurt each other.......OK?"
- Points
- 2,371
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi, Wanda!
2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
1st woman: Hi, Wanda!
2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
- Points
- 2,371
Ahoy;- The Aussie Helpline
"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp,
and now her p&%#y has completely closed up."
"Bummer mate!"
" Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."
"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp,
and now her p&%#y has completely closed up."
"Bummer mate!"
" Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."
- Points
- 12
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
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