Joke of the day

[MrBig]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

 

[juddy]

 

[juddy]

 

[MrBig]

Naughty boy draws a p*nis on a black board.
Lady teacher rubs it off.
Next day he draws a bigger one and writes: "REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!

 

[Madam Jacqui]

​

 

[MrBig]

Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes ballistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?" Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

 

[Madam Jacqui]

​

 

[juddy]

 

[Amanda Secrets]

On the wall above a urinal
dont look up here - the joke is in your hand

 

[Happy2]

On the wall above a urinal
dont look up here - the joke is in your hand

Then His XLNC aimed his steady stream at the sign on the wall above the urinal and soaked it

 

[Amanda Secrets]

Then His XLNC aimed his steady stream at the sign on the wall above the urinal and soaked it

Clever dick!! Bit like the armless and legless man who swam the English Chanel!!

 

[Happy2]

Dear oh dear Amanda thats nearly as bad as the one about the boy born with no body He prayed and prayed and one day his wish was grant A complete body Torso 2 arms 2 legs And so he went out to play Kicked the ball into the road and was hit by a truck and died

The moral of this story?
Quit while your a head

 

[Amanda Secrets]

Or - Eskimo goes out fishing one day and gets hit by a storm. Is washed miles out to sea. No idea how he will get back as lost his paddles as well and as he cant swim cant leave his kayak. Floats for 3 days and is starting to get hungry. Remembers his Kayak is made of seal skin so carefully removes a layer around the top and eats it. Next day he is still floating aimlessly and hungry so eats another strip. He does this for a week. All of a sudden the swell gets up and a wave comes over the top swamps his kayak which is now only a few inches from the water line and he drowns.
Moral

You cant have your Kayak and eat it too!!

 

[Happy2]

Or a grumpy pirate masquerading as a Happy Pirate Going around disliking everybody
Not funny but it is a Joke

 

[HappyPirate]

Ahoy;- Here Guys, is your chance to HIT-MY-Dislike Button

Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?
A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
A: "Olive or twist?"
Q: What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar?
A: "Please, no stories!"
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/alcoholjokes.html

 

[Amanda Secrets]

Ahoy;- Here Guys, is your chance to HIT-MY-Dislike Button

Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?
A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
A: "Olive or twist?"
Q: What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar?
A: "Please, no stories!"
source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/alcoholjokes.html

Clearly as my posts show I have no sense of humour - thats why I laughed at these

 

[HappyPirate]

Ahoy Thanks Amanda, For been sweet to an Ugly Old Pirate, I will change my Ratings

 

[Happy2]

Ahoy Thanks Amanda, For been sweet to an Ugly Old Pirate, I will change my Ratings

I will vouch for him Amanda He is mighty Ugly

 

[HappyPirate]

Ahoy;- Here a few more

Q: How do you find a man in a bar who is sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: He's nursing a Mike's Hard Lemonade and is acting super super gay!
Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
A: The sofa doesn't keep asking for Bud Light!
Q: What is the similarity between Michelob Ultra and having sex in a rowboat?
A: They are both SO close to water!
Q: What do you say when you're gonna drunk dial someone?
A: Al-cohol you

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/alcoholjokes.html

 

[Trickortreat]

View attachment 40234

I was sitting next to a smoking hot thai girl on the train today thinking to myself please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection. But she did

 

[Madam Jacqui]

​

 

[Gobble_Doc]

Clever dick!! Bit like the armless and legless man who swam the English Chanel!!

I thought he was called Bob, not Dick?
GD

 

[Amanda Secrets]

I thought he was called Bob, not Dick?
GD

Noooo !! he was in a swimming pool, and Art was nailed to a wall !!

 

[XLNC]

Then His XLNC aimed his steady stream at the sign on the wall above the urinal and soaked it

I avoid using urinals so as not to make other albino dwarves feel inadequate. But yes, I still manage a high steady stream.

 

[Amanda Secrets]

I avoid using urinals so as not to make other albino dwarves feel inadequate. But yes, I still manage a high steady stream.

Pomposity fills one with enough air to do that lol

 

[juddy]

 

[MrBig]

View attachment 40343

I hope was he wasn't already a victim of foul play.

 

[Madam Jacqui]

​

 

[HappyPirate]

Ahoy;-

A blonde goes to a soda machine. She puts in a dollar and gets a soda. She does this again and again. A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long. She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"

 

[Amanda Secrets]

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one - he holds it and waits for the world to revolve him
How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb
Two of course!
What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
Anything you want, it can't hear you.

Why do elephants drink so much?
To try to forget.