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How do you know if your partner is interested in sex with you anymore?

Kylie Middleton

Gold Member
Points
0
I'm glad to hear that :) I've never attended sex therapy but you could always try that down the track if you ever have problems again. I've heard it's effective as long as the couple is willing to put in the effort
 

ProfD

Gold Member
Points
5
I'm glad if your relationship is back on course at the moment.
When looking through all the advice and things you've tried, I suspect the heart of the matter is being able to say vulnerable things when they're most difficult to say. i.e. Communication. Anyone can communicate just after great sex, it's when you want to walk out and never come back because she's just said something which hurts, that is the test of great communication. Not easy, but most necessary.

Sex won't be smooth if there are still unexplored assumptions about the relationship, needs, expectations, goals, values etc. Differences in these aren't a killer necessarily, but will cause conflict if not known clearly.

Understanding how the relationship feeds each of your needs is important. Tony Robbins talks about 6 basic needs and how they drive what we do: Certainty / Variety - Novelty / Significance / Connection - Love / Growth / Contribution. He has TED talks etc about this online.

We all have different levels of these needs. If they are met, we basically feel happy. if not, we do things to try to get the needs met. I like lots of certainty with a bit of novelty (or I wouldn't be here), my partner the reverse.

Your partner working might satisfy her needs for certainty (money) significance (clients' thanks) even contribution (helping unhappy men be more happy in society). Your relationship might provide for her need for connection and/or love and/or significance and/or certainty.

If you're not getting your needs for significance (that she values you through.....) connection (kisses, sex) etc met through the relationship, it might help to know what is missing for you, and see if she can do something that addresses that or you might need to do something to have it met elsewhere. Of course, her need for solitude (connection with self) after a day of connecting with clients may be the thing she most wants from you before connecting with you later at night.

If it's significance that you feel a lack in, perhaps teaching people at a community college about some specialty you know about would do that. :) you don't necessarily need an affair or to leave the relationship if it doesn't satisfy all of your needs. (if it does meet 3 or more, it's defined as an addiction btw).

There are online tools to help you find out about these ideas, but best to find a professional: psychologist, life coach etc who can help you explore the tensions and suggest reliable changes which might be easier than finding a new relationship.
 

ProfD

Gold Member
Points
5
Kelly, sorry if it comes across like a Lecture, I got carried away. Hope there's something of value to you there.
 

Kylie Middleton

Gold Member
Points
0
No no I often feel like I'm lecturing on this site so it's nice to have someone else take over sometimes :p I actually shared your post with my partner who is a fact sponge and he found it really interesting as well :)
 

Bambi

Creature in the Shadows
Legend Member
Points
0
Hi,
I'm in a relationship with a sex worker, and I believe she has lost interest in sex with me, and she just has sex with me, and goes through the motions to try and keep me happy?
She works regularly, so I'm thinking she is bored from sex due to the men she sees at work?
Interested to hear what you think? Thanks.

do you make it exciting or do date nights? maybe your pushing it to much so she will just do it to shut you up.

How is the rest of the relationship?
 

Bambi

Creature in the Shadows
Legend Member
Points
0
Thanks for the reply.
We have talked about it nearly a month ago, and we came up with a few ideas, but unfortunately when I tried to implement them, she didn't take to them. So I'm confused, she seems to nagg as well when it comes to sex, like complain that I kiss her wrong, or touch her wrong.
It's hard knowing that she is passionate with other men, but can't seem to put the effort in with me. It does seem like a chore from her part.
I'll keep trying and see where it goes :)
sounds like its over, sorry
 

htb57

Silver Member
Points
0
Why no try to book her through her Agency?
That will tell her that you interested and you can see her response!
 

cammando755

Silver Member
Points
0
do you make it exciting or do date nights? maybe your pushing it to much so she will just do it to shut you up.

How is the rest of the relationship?

We do exciting things, date nights, staying in hotels, but to me I think she does keep reverting back to our sex being like a booking with me, but less effort on her part, for example, there's very little foreplay, no undressing each other, and a very set routine and minimal positions. We talk about it, things change for a bit, then revert back.

I think maybe she is just not interested in sex as much as me, that's ok, I can deal with that, and not have sex as often, but I can't deal with her going to work and seeing other men with that attitude (attitude is a bad word, but I can't think of how else to say it), while I'm at home or work. I just can't get my head around that, selfish on my part maybe, but I don't want her going to work and maybe getting her needs met there, and not being interested at home with me.
 

cammando755

Silver Member
Points
0
Why no try to book her through her Agency?
That will tell her that you interested and you can see her response!

I did see her at her work place a few times early on when we began dating. Don't think it would go down well now.
 

dc123

Gold Member
Points
0
Listen, if your wife or partner is not putting out at home there may be a reason for that......could be cause she does not feel appreciated, loved or is tired from work and doing house work......fellas girls like to be romanced, made to feel special, made to feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and that you only have eyes for them thats all girls not just married ones but it gets harder when you are married and had kids.....so take the wife out so her some romance or even just help around with the housework and you will be surprised at what can happen
 

Lacie4U

Diamond Member
Points
5
I'm certainly not being judgemental... each to there own. but for me personally in my relationship it would be cheating :)

I agree with Rachy...she was not being judgemental...it was here opinion about her relationship...I think this forum is a public arena for open discussion ..certainly not judgement regarding engagement of working women or men...I personally would me more concerned by the discussion of abuse of children or other people or deeply disturbing sociopathic tendencies...
 

Perthchap

Silver Member
Points
0
Listen, if your wife or partner is not putting out at home there may be a reason for that......could be cause she does not feel appreciated, loved or is tired from work and doing house work......fellas girls like to be romanced, made to feel special, made to feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and that you only have eyes for them thats all girls not just married ones but it gets harder when you are married and had kids.....so take the wife out so her some romance or even just help around with the housework and you will be surprised at what can happen

This is a very popular train of thought quoted above, draconian but still regarded as relevant and many people would agree with these ideas, particularly women.
When relationships are new and exciting its easier to go the extra mile and make her feel special, its fun and as stated the rewards are forthcoming however...

Why is it always about what the woman wants and needs? Why isnt it about consideration for the needs of both partners equally?
Given that sexual release appears to be so much more important for the males in our society why is it frowned upon when males seek this outside, particularly if its not available at home regardless of the reasons? If it were equally important for females we would see hundreds of male sex workers advertising to cater for demand, but no it isnt required is it?
Why? I will tell you why, its inequality between the sexes.
Heres a scenario for consideration its one i know well,

What if, as in more modern and less traditional households, the man comes home from slogging his guts out all day in the sun or at the office where ever, physically mentally drained, then he for example-services the nice car he has bought for her,which she cant be bothered washing, fueling up, checking tyres etc she just drives it , then he mows the lawn she asked him to plant, which she cant be stuffed watering, this way he will have more time on the weekend to do all the other jobs she has on her list for him to do, hes such a lazy prick, then he plays with the kids to give her a break, goes inside and cooks cos its his turn then he does a load of his work washing, gets it on the line, does the dishes and helps get the kids to bed, she has had a tough day doing the shopping, cos those coles car parks arent air conditioned you know, and her useless man doesnt treat her right and take her out to nice places enough, so why should she put out for him?

Then out of desperation if he gets hand relief after a massage once every other month or 3, 6 or 12 whatever, to try and help himself cope with the stress hes labelled a cheater? He probably already feels bad enough for a host of possible reasons about having to do this as it is.

This is not equality not even close.

Believe me theres plenty of the above mentioned scenario going on out there, i see it all the time. It cuts both ways or at least it should. Lots of guys i know struggle to get laid at home more than once or twice a month, and they have to bribe their life partner with something nice to get that. That is just wrong on so many levels but completely accepted in our society, it must be, as i hear it so frequently. Its a freakin cliche.
 
T

Tania Admin

This is a very popular train of thought quoted above, draconian but still regarded as relevant and many people would agree with these ideas, particularly women.
When relationships are new and exciting its easier to go the extra mile and make her feel special, its fun and as stated the rewards are forthcoming however...

Why is it always about what the woman wants and needs? Why isnt it about consideration for the needs of both partners equally?
Given that sexual release appears to be so much more important for the males in our society why is it frowned upon when males seek this outside, particularly if its not available at home regardless of the reasons? If it were equally important for females we would see hundreds of male sex workers advertising to cater for demand, but no it isnt required is it?
Why? I will tell you why, its inequality between the sexes.
Heres a scenario for consideration its one i know well,

What if, as in more modern and less traditional households, the man comes home from slogging his guts out all day in the sun or at the office where ever, physically mentally drained, then he for example-services the nice car he has bought for her,which she cant be bothered washing, fueling up, checking tyres etc she just drives it , then he mows the lawn she asked him to plant, which she cant be stuffed watering, this way he will have more time on the weekend to do all the other jobs she has on her list for him to do, hes such a lazy prick, then he plays with the kids to give her a break, goes inside and cooks cos its his turn then he does a load of his work washing, gets it on the line, does the dishes and helps get the kids to bed, she has had a tough day doing the shopping, cos those coles car parks arent air conditioned you know, and her useless man doesnt treat her right and take her out to nice places enough, so why should she put out for him?

Then out of desperation if he gets hand relief after a massage once every other month or 3, 6 or 12 whatever, to try and help himself cope with the stress hes labelled a cheater? He probably already feels bad enough for a host of possible reasons about having to do this as it is.

This is not equality not even close.

Believe me theres plenty of the above mentioned scenario going on out there, i see it all the time. It cuts both ways or at least it should. Lots of guys i know struggle to get laid at home more than once or twice a month, and they have to bribe their life partner with something nice to get that. That is just wrong on so many levels but completely accepted in our society, it must be, as i hear it so frequently. Its a freakin cliche.
Yes and no. The woman has been busy all day, cleaning up after kids, maybe working as well. No longer feels sexy. Going for the grope does not make you feel sexy. In my marriage foreplay is all day everyday, we both constantly make each other feel good and special. Our sex life is awesome. If we went for a happy ending massage we would both be present. A little bit of spice keeps things interesting and we don't have trust issues :)
 

Perthchap

Silver Member
Points
0
Yes and no. The woman has been busy all day, cleaning up after kids, maybe working as well. No longer feels sexy. Going for the grope does not make you feel sexy. In my marriage foreplay is all day everyday, we both constantly make each other feel good and special. Our sex life is awesome. If we went for a happy ending massage we would both be present. A little bit of spice keeps things interesting and we don't have trust issues :)

Lucky you Tania, i remember what that was like but it only lasted 5 years or so for me.
As for goin for the grope well initially she enjoyed that but trying that would be like showing a red flag to a bull after then.

I wont go into the aspects of office work and motherhood versus physical work outdoors etc I have done both as a stay at home dad for a few years when she felt the need to go after her career, men seem to want sex regardless of how hard the day was, but the women seem to need everything just perfect to even be "in the mood".

Lets face it, alot of the time, men have to tow the line or they miss out, so sex is being used as a lever in lots of aussie households. Its different in other countries and i think theres more equality in some other places.

A mate of mine from Melbourne calls his time living in Asia " the great awakening " . He says that the Australian "princess syndrome " ( i have offered you my body so now you have to treat me like your princess for the privilege for the rest of your life etc ) is something that is so intrenched in our society we dont even realize the imbalances between the sexes here. Particularly if you never experience life elsewhere for a while. Interesting concept of his I thought. If men and women were equally driven by physical attractions and libido, prostitution would not be what it is today, 95% female or so .
 

Perthchap

Silver Member
Points
0
It is in men to spread there seed and procreate, fundamentally that's what we are designed for. Personally I believe to be in a relationship with one person for a lifetime one has to seek companionship with others sometime or another. Doing it via business is best because you are not pursuing an emotional connection just a purely physical one. It does not mean you do not love your spouse it is purely the nature of things. Women do not have the physical urge as much as men that is just fact, so for women the connection is mainly emotional. You can justify things as much as you want, but in the end if you feel guilt personally then you have to answer to yourself and your partner.
Active8 i reckon your spot on in your opening comments , humans arent supposed to be in monogamous relationships, if we were then why do mens ejaculate carry killer sperm cells designed to track down sperm from other men and destroy them?
Western styled society and religion has created this monogamy lifestyle. If your partner isnt even trying to cater for at least some of your sexual needs then i dont think its right to be labelled a cheater for seeking out the occasional hand job. When ever i have discussed this with a WL they have told me that they hear about this sexual imbalance all the time and see it with some of their girlfriends, Iam told stories about women that hate satisfying their men but feel they should every few months or so to keep him because they dont want to be alone etc....WTF? Thats not a relationship worth maintaining in my book for the man or the woman but sometimes we stay for other reasons like the happiness of the children or financial security.

Iam sure this works both ways sometimes, where the man has turned into a slob and he disrespects his partner or worse and there is abuse, and thats why she cant face him sexually i have seen that side of the argument also, if he was to engage the services of a WL then yes he should be called a cheater he would be deserving of the title and some.
 

Summer fun

Diamond Member
Points
14
perthchap-you make some very good points. I do think that many women dont make an effort to keep the sex part of a long term relationship going, and it always seems to be classed as the guys fault.

i have some relatives that live in asia, it makes their marriages quite 'equal' when they dont need to beg for sex from the wife. I do think that quite a few wives use the sexual desire imbalance to get more power in a relationship. While i do think marriage should be equal, quite a few women do use sex as a bargaining chip, which due to cheap rnt/sex in asia doesnt work there.....

quite a few guys i know who live in asia find their wives are a lot more attentive/protective due to easy competition there.....mind you there is a lot more cases of the wife spying/checking up on the husband in asia, plus lots of guys have second or third phones in asia
 
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Summer fun

Diamond Member
Points
14
good points tania, but i have quite a few friends, and quite a few guys complain of the wives not wanting sex anymore, but i cant think of one wive/girl that complains about the husband/bf not wanting it enough

when women dont make an effort to have as much sex in a long term relationship, so many times it is classes as the guys 'fault', when in many cases the woman should also look at their part
 
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Tania Admin

good points tania, but i have quite a few friends, and quite a few guys complain of the wives not wanting sex anymore, but i cant think of one wive/girl that complains about the husband/bf not wanting it enough
That is something women tend to discuss with their close female friends.
And from talking with my own friends and many other women over the years, generally the consensus is if they don't want sex they are not happy with how they are being treated or feel unappreciated.
 

Perthchap

Silver Member
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0
Yes your right Tania I am generally speaking, sure there are lots of women in physical roles now days, mainly younger women, i dont have the stats but maybe what 1or 2 females in 10 men? Never seen a good female brickies labourer or someone who can push hard on a shovel all day in the heat but whatever.Men and women are different thats the facts.

My point is that when guys come home physically tired, they still want sex, but less so for women when theyre tired or gumpy or a bit off colour etc.
I think as you mentioned complacency and boredom with each other after years of the same ol same hole, tends to put out the fire, and if the fire aint burnin, the first person to withdraw from the sex is the woman (generally) leaving the man to pay for it and then become....." the cheating scumbag " lol
 

Summer fun

Diamond Member
Points
14
yep, women complain that they dont want sex when they feel taken for granted or unappreciated, but why cant men also use that reason... ?

i do think that many women use sex as a bargaining chip in a relationship, and from my experience with relatives and friends living in asia, it doesnt work there, as sex is so cheap to obtain. Mind you i have come across quite a few rich chinese guys who have been found to have long term second families, so in quite a few cases the 'sex time' transforms into a whole new relationship, in many of the cases where the husband is a rich businessman the wife has to turn a blind eye to the second family, as she cant afford to leave the husband, or the shame of admitting his second family is embarrassing.

mind you some times the guy pays the first wife off with extra houses or jewelry, i do know of these cases
 

cammando755

Silver Member
Points
0
I look at it like this. When I was married, I worked in IT. I liked computers but I worked on them all day and when I got home I wanted to relax but instead my partner wanted me to work on her computer. I was getting paid to work on them all day and had a time limit per computer, then suddenly the person I loved was asking me to do it for free and who knows for how long. I'm not suggesting that you pay her, but my guess is that she's not going to be anywhere near as enthusiastic as you are as she's been doing it all day.

That is an interesting answer, and so true in my case unfortunately. The sex was just like a booking, except missing a lot of effort on her part, as I had seen her as a client a few years earlier so knew what she could be like. Occasionally she would put some effort in, but rarely. We tried to work through things, she even thought everything was better as she was kissing me again, but in the end enough was enough.
We are no longer together, a mix of a lot of things caused me to break it off with her; money issues, intimacy issues, difference in values, and a few other things, so maybe it wasn't meant to be. She was a great girl, but I think we just had too different values and interests for it to work.
I'm guessing if everything at home was great, maybe the sex issues could have been conquered.
Thanks for everyone posting on this and giving me some guidance, was much appreciated.
 

cammando755

Silver Member
Points
0
Here's a question for the working ladies, what makes you want to come home and have sex with your husband or partner after a day at work?
Are you doing it to make them feel better about working, or really enjoy it with your partner after seeing other guys.
If it was me, and I had slept with 4 women in a day, I'd be exhausted most probably, and wouldn't be too interested.
Thanks for your input :)
 

darlaS

Silver Member
Points
0
You know what, in a relationship it's not all about having sex that makes you both happy.But "Friendship" is the secret to a long-lasting romantic relationship. :)
 

cammando755

Silver Member
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You know what, in a relationship it's not all about having sex that makes you both happy.But "Friendship" is the secret to a long-lasting romantic relationship. :)

I understand that, it takes a lot of factors in a relationship to make it work and make both partners happy, but my question was mainly directed at the sexual relationship between a couple when one is a sex worker.
Having one partner go off and have sex as a job, even though it's a job, it's still sex. And when the other partner feels that they're not being satisfied at home, creates a problem. I think that if she was working in a cafe and didn't do sex work, this would still be a problem, but due to her sex work, it highlights the problem ten fold.
We got on well, but her work bothered me, in the fact that I felt she was putting more effort in at work, than with me. I tried romantic teas, romantic get aways, special love notes, massages, and doing all I can for her to try and create something special between us intimately, but it didn't work.
My relationship failed most probably due to other factors, but I know it was dam hard dealing with her working and not putting effort in with me. This just added to our issues.
 

darlaS

Silver Member
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0
I understand that, it takes a lot of factors in a relationship to make it work and make both partners happy, but my question was mainly directed at the sexual relationship between a couple when one is a sex worker.
Having one partner go off and have sex as a job, even though it's a job, it's still sex. And when the other partner feels that they're not being satisfied at home, creates a problem. I think that if she was working in a cafe and didn't do sex work, this would still be a problem, but due to her sex work, it highlights the problem ten fold.
We got on well, but her work bothered me, in the fact that I felt she was putting more effort in at work, than with me. I tried romantic teas, romantic get aways, special love notes, massages, and doing all I can for her to try and create something special between us intimately, but it didn't work.
My relationship failed most probably due to other factors, but I know it was dam hard dealing with her working and not putting effort in with me. This just added to our issues.

I feel you though.. I think it's better if you talk to her directly without disrespecting her about her job.
 

ProfD

Gold Member
Points
5
No no I often feel like I'm lecturing on this site so it's nice to have someone else take over sometimes :p I actually shared your post with my partner who is a fact sponge and he found it really interesting as well :)

Kylie , I'm glad to be of service (as the subbie said to the actress...) It took a lot of pain through a depression and marriage breakup to learn some fundamental but real stuff about being healthy, and I wished I'd been told years ago. Good fortune to you and your sponge. ;-p
 
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