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L

Lisa

Jokes

:BangHead:Q:- Have you heard about the man who had a Pennies transplant.
A:- His hand rejected..
 
V

Vyxxxn

GoGrrls!

Bwahahahahaha @ Lana & Lisa....and as 4u "Sir" Kinky....*BigRazz* hee hee
 
L

lana

Women's Thoughts on Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
>(because they are plugged into a genius)
>
>2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
>(they don't have enough time)
>
>3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
>(they don't stop to ask directions)
>
>4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
>(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor
>lock)
>
>5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
>(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
>
>6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
>(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
>
>7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
>(don't know.....it never happened)
>
>8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
>(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)


Lana
 
V

Vyxxxn

Always liked the dog humping one Lana ;) PMSL

Some acronyms...

SLAVE - Superior Lady Acquiring Vast Empire
WINNER - Women Inevitably Negotiating New Empowered Roles
BITCH - Bright Individual That Controls Him
MALE - Men Are Losing Everywhere
WOMEN - We Outclass Men Each Night
GIRLS - Gifted Individuals Realizing Large Superiority
FUTURE - Females Understand They Ultimately Rule Everywhere
BABE - Body And Brain Excellence
DAME - Dominant Against Men Everywhere
HIS - Honors In Servitude
SHE - Soon His Emperor
LOVE - Lady Obtains Virtually Everything
WORSHIP - We Obey Ruling Sisters Having Intense Power
SHOPS - Smarter, Healthier, Obviously Prettier Sex
HIM - Held In Mercilessly
HER - His Eternal Ruler
GUY - Gender Under You
GAL - Goddess At Large
BOYS - Babes Obedient Young Slave
SKIRT - She Knows Its Ruling Time
BIKINI - Boys Instantly Kneel In Numerous Instances
MAN - Masters At Nothing
FIGURE - Females Inevitably Grab Up Rule Everywhere
WOMAN - Wiping Out Male Attitudes Now
WOMEN - Wiping Out Male Establishment Now
SIS - She Is Superior
MAJORITY - Men Are Just Objects, Really Inferior To You
HEART - Husbands Everywhere Are Really Toys
HANDSOME - He Attracts Numerous Dames, Stupefied Other Men Envious
COMB - Caressing Our Male Beauty
HUG - He's Utterly Gorgeous
MODEL - Male Object Deserving Excessive Love
HANDSOME - His Appearence Naturally Dictates Serious Ogling Must Erupt
HUNK - Hug, Unzip, Neck, Kiss
BEAUTY - Boys' Egos Are Useless To You
BREAST - Boys Rarely Emit A Serious Thought :angel1:
 
M

minimel

What not to say to a woman

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"


"The fucking funeral director," said his wife.
 
L

lana

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to
labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be
present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband", she replies.

"Okay, do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?".

"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own".

After the birth, the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You
have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see
her that the baby is BLACK ".

"I was afraid of that," replies the girl. "You see, I was very down on
my luck, with no money and nowhere to live and so I accepted a job in
a porno movie and the lead man was black".

"Oh, I'm very sorry", says the midwife, "that's really none of my
business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions
but I must also tell you that the baby has BLONDE hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the
money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what
else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry", the midwife repeats, "I know it's really none of my
business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has SLANTED
eyes."

"Yes", continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a
little Chinese man also in the movie, I got paid quadruple time and
really had no choice."

At this the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and presents
her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a firm slap
on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well,
thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?", says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl, extremely relieved, "For a moment I had this
horrible feeling that it was going to bark.

LANA
__________________
 
L

lana

A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendants' LADIES room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. The man entered the LADIES toilet

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked respectively: WW WA PP ATR

Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought, Wow, these gals really have it nice. So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button. Body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. Aha, he thought, no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kind of services!

So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. Man, this is great, he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow.

LANA
 
K

kinky_master

Oh Lana, Lana, Lana, Lana

I am still trying to decide wether I should just put you over my knee and spank you or reply with jokes as bad. (Same for you Vyxxxn). But since it is late I let you off and just post bad jokes:

Big Warning to all - these jokes are very bad!!! :headbang:

Why do women have 3 more brain cells than cows?
So when you pull their tit's they don't shit on the floor

Why do women have legs?
So they don't leave snail trails

Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them :happy4:

How do you give a woman an orgasm?
Who cares :love76:

Why do women have 2 holes?
So you can turn them upside down and carry them like a six pack.


Don't say I didn't warn you before! :cya:
 
P

PinkPoodle

Just Mathematics

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

'' Dear Wife; You must realise that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant.
I'll be home before midnight.
- Your husband. "

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him as follows:

" Dear Husband : You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you will easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Don't wait up.
- Your wife. "
 
M

Mary Anne PA

haha.. good one podle.... I like that... also how about an introduction on yourself on the forum as well, say hi and get to meet everyone and have some fun.
 
MovesInSilence

MovesInSilence

Gender Dyslexic
Foundation Member
Points
0
Sex In Florida

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he
wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The
Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50,
and I get $43 back from Medicare.
 
V

Vyxxxn

Nice one MIS :D

Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?"

The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime."

The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up."

The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels."

The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor."

The third lady says, "Yep, thats my Larry!"
 
S

{slavegirl}

Every mothers nightmare!

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom & sees a letter over the bed.
With
the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:

Mum...
It is with great regret & sorrow that I'm telling you that I have
eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion & he is so nice, with all
his piercing & tattoos & his big motorcycle. But it's not only that Mum,
I'm pregnant & Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the
woods. He wants to have many more children with me & that's one of my
dreamstoo. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone & we'll be growing
it for us & his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine &
ecstasy we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure,for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now & I know how to take care of
myself.
Some day I'll visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter, Judith



PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to
show you that there are worse things in life than the school report card
that's in my desk drawer...I love you
 
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A

Amanda

An Arkansas farmer got in his pickup, drove to a neighboring
farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.

A young boy about 12 opened the door.
"Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.
"No, sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."
"Well, said the farmer, is yer maw here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went to town with paw."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with maw and paw."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot
to the other and mumbling to his self.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I
knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one.
Or maybe I could take a message fer pa?"
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk
to yerpaw.
It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae,
pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa
about that,"he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa
charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don't
know how much he gets fer Howard.
 
P

PinkPoodle

Survey Results on Blow Job

A recent Survey Result came out on '' Blow Job ''

The survey asked 100 Sexually Active Men what they most enjoyed about a Blow Job...?

99.9 % said : '' The 10 minutes Silence ''
 
T

tonetickler

I have to say I don't agree... but I like the joke. (must forward it in an e-mail to a few people I know)
 
P

PinkPoodle

Mirror Mirror

Mirror Mirror - A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door.
One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says '' Mirror Mirror on my door, make my bust forty four ''.
Instantly there was a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.
Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, '' Mirror Mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor.
And there's a brilliant flash of light.......And his legs fall off.
 
M

melly bear

A few sexist giggles...

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.



MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's woolies brand isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.



CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday,I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own........ so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)



WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."



WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"



CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!



WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
 
P

PinkPoodle

Things I Don't Do

1. I don't do windows because.... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt. { I am compassionate }

2. I don't wax floors.... because I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me. { I am careful and poor }

3. I don't mind the dust bunnies because they are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say. { I am imaginative }

4. I don't disturb cobwebs.... because I want every creature to have a home of their own and my family loves spiders. { I am kind }

5. I don't Spring Clean because..... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous. { I am fair minded }

6. I don't plant a garden because....I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer. { I am courteous}

7. I don't put things away because....my family will never be able to find them again. { I am considerate }

8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because..... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

9. I don't iron because....I choose to believe them when they say '' Permanent Press'' { I am trusting }

10. I don't stress much on anything because. ''A TYPE" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty old woman!!!!!

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming,'' WOW!! WHAT A RIDE! ''
 
L

lana

An elephant is walking down a jungle path when suddenly a lion comes around the corner. The lion sees the elephant and thinks 'great - lunchtime' and gets ready to pounce. Suddenly a mouse runs onto the pathway between them, and the lion, who has a phobia about mice, freaks out and runs away.

'Oh thank-you Mr Mouse' says the elephant 'you saved my life - if there's anything you want, just ask' The mouse thinks for a minute and says 'Actually - there is something i'd like..... .can I fuck you?'
'Go on then' said the elephant, and the mouse climbed up the elephant's back leg, lifted its tail and started humping away.

Meanwhile in the trees above, a monkey was watching the scene and started shaking a branch in excitement and accidentally dislodged a coconut, which hit the elephant on the head. The elephand shouted 'Ouch!' and the mouse shouted back 'Take the pain, bitch!'

LANA
 
L

lana

President Bush was visiting a primary school. One of the classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,that would be a tragedy".

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs Bush was struck by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

LANA
 
S

spice-me

you forgot the punch line Lana.....

small boys says:
"Because President Bush, if it was shot down by friendly fire that would be no accident and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."


spice-Me
 
Banana Split

Banana Split

Foundation Member
Points
0
Pay Rise for the Penis !

Pay Rise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

******** REPLY *******Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,
the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight, You fall asleep on the job after brief
work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other restricted
areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the
day's work.
And, if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management.

Dont you just luv that
 
M

Mary Anne PA

trust you banananananana... lol

what do you get when you cross a banana with liberace

(using your hands pressed to the keyboards and bouncing them up and down with the tips of your fingers on the keyboard, say out load)



BA
NA
NA
NA
NA
NA
NA
NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
 
L

Lisa

Jokes

what is a Boss?


When the body was first made all parts wanted to be boss. The brain said "since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be boss."
The feet said "since I carry man where he wants to go, and get into position to do what the brain wants, I should be boss." The hands said "since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be boss." The eyes said "since I must lookout for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, I should be boss."
And so it went, with the heart, the ears, the lungs, and finally the asshole spoke up and demanded that it be made boss. All the other parts laughed at the idea of an asshole being boss.

The asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and. demanded that it be made boss. All the other parts laughed at the idea of an asshole being boss.
The asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the brain was feverish, the eyes crossed and arched; the feet were too weak to walk. The hands hung limply by the sides, and the heart and lungs struggled to keep going. All pleaded the brain to relent and let the asshole be boss. And so it happened. All the other parts did all the work and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of shit.

MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, Just an asshole
 
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