• Langtrees.com will start paid advertising on the 12th April this year. (my mothers birthday) Wallet balances will still remain if logged in the last month. Advertisers that have not logged in wallets will be reduced to zero.

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L

lana

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother.

"I was having a pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears.

"Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears.

"It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out."

"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

Lana
__________________
 
L

lana

Re: JOKES!!!

:wav: :wav:
Rich, Eddie and Michael decided to visit a prostitute.

It was a slow night, so she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch."

When Rich comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?"

"$75 dollars." said Rich with a wink and a smile.

Eddie goes in and returns with a fee of $85, and several "high fives." The first two were proud of their prowess.

Michael goes in and returns. "How much did she charge you?" asks Rich.

"$20 dollars," replies Michael.

Both Rich and Eddie started laughing hysterically.

"Hey guys," replied Michael, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!!"

Lana
 
L

lana

Re: JOKES!!!

The Toaster

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A middle-aged woman went to a K-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.
The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special".
Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,

"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front a growing crowd of customers.
The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what wrong?"
She explained the problem with the toaster, and HE tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming

"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!"

And doing so draws an even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads "Ma'am, why are you saying that?
In a huff, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I AM BEING SCREWED!!”

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.

Lana
 
S

Sophia

Re: JOKES!!!

Q: what do you call a brunette between 2 blondes ?


A: an interpreter


Q: what do you call a man with now arms or legs in a swimming pool

A: BOB !!!


Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in a bath tub

A: throw your washing in

Sophia xx
 
L

lucinda

Re: JOKES!!!

Q:- Why did the Blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A:- So she would't get Hearing Aides.

Q:- What is blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette.....?
A:- A blonde doing cartwheels.

Q:- How do you know when a blonde has been in your fridge?
A:- Lipstick on the cucumbers.

I hope I have not offended anyone....... Have a great weekend
every one.


:thumbsup: LUCINDA
 
L

lana

Re: JOKES!!!

>A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious
health

>risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across
>an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
>
>"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls
>them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.
>
>The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there
>stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed
>in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and sign round her neck. She
>introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The
>sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"
>
>Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later,
huffing

>and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they
>are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this
>company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and
>the same thing happens.
>
>On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost
>10 lb. as promised.
>
>He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program.
>The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
>stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing
>nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
>"If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after her like a
>shot.
>
>This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her,
>but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four
>days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he
>weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
>
>He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
>pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.
"This

>is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt
>this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he
>opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink
>running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,
>you're mine."


Lana :wav:
 
L

lana

Re: JOKES!!!

NO ONE OUT THERE HAS ANY JOKES?? FINE I'LL PUT A FEW MORE UP

Q. Why is being in the military like a blow job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A. They are both used as substitute meat.

Q. Why do we have orgasms?
A. How else would we know when to stop?

Q. What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
A. "Nice Dick!"

Q. What's the definition of a vagina?
A. The box a penis comes in.

Q. Mom's have Mother's Day, father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A. Palm Sunday.

Q. What do Kodak film have in common with condoms?
A. Both capture the moment.

Q. What's the definition of indefinitely?
A. When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in-definitely!

LANA :blob5: :blob3:
 
L

lana

Re: JOKES!!!

:wav:
Q. What do Kodak film have in common with condoms?
A. Both capture the moment.

Q. What's the definition of indefinitely?
A. When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in-definitely!

Q. How is a woman like a road?
A. Both have manholes.

Q. Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
A. "They'll never see you coming."

Q. Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
A. Because cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

Q. How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
A. By sticking your finger in his honey.

Q. Define "Egghead"
A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

Q. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A. A tearjerker.

Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gag!

LANA
 
L

lana

Re: JOKES!!!

Q: Why do married men like blowjobs so much?
A: 15 minutes of silence!!

Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.

Q: How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A: A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

Q: What's the difference between a BONUS and a BONER?
A: Your wife will blow your bonus.

Q: How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an orgasm?
A: Call her and tell her where you are.

Q. What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?
A. A guy will take twenty minutes to look for a golf ball.

Q: What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
A: A mobile sperm bank.

Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handle bars.

Q: What does pizza delivery man and a gynaecologist have in common?
A: Both can smell it but can't eat it.

Q: What is the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
A: If your girlfriend chews before swallowing.

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

LANA :sign4:
 
L

lana

Re: JOKES!!!

:love1:
Q: What is the leading cause in death with lesbians?
A: Hair balls.

Q: What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
A: Come in five flavours.

Q: What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
A: Crust

Q: Why do faggots wear ribbed condoms?
A: More traction in the mud.

Q: What is the worst smelling thing in the world?
A: An anchovies pussy.

Q: Did you hear about the Polish porno flick?
A: It's called: " Debbie does nothing. "

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who broke her nose on a steering wheel?
A: She was trying to blow the horn.

Q: How can you tell when a girl is a redneck?
A: She can chew tobacco and suck cock at the same time, and know what to spit and what to swallow!

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.

Q: How does Michael Jackson know when it's time for bed?
A: When the big hand is on the little hand.

Q: Why is my penis bigger than yours?
A: Because I'm jerking off right now.

LANA :blob5:
 
R

red riding hood

Re: JOKES!!!

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed, and asks the nurse who sent them. The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too." "What about the third rose?" asks the patient. "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."


RED :blob6:
 
L

lana

Re: JOKES!!!

Three nuns, who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells.

St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.

St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?"

1st nun : "Adam and Eve"

The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"

2nd nun : "An apple" The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

And finally it came the turn of the last nun. St. Paul : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"

After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that''s a hard one!" The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates!


lana
 
L

lana

Re: JOKES!!!

What do you call twenty Blondes standing cheek to cheek?
A Wind Tunnel

What do you call a Blonde wearing a Brunette Wig?
Artificial Intelligence

Why is a blondes brain the size of a pea in the morning?
It swells at night

How does Capt Picard (Star Trek) describe Blondes?
SPACE: The final Frontier!


lana :wav:
 
L

lickedysplit

Re: JOKES!!!

:sign4:

Whats worse than a dead dog on your piano???

An infected pusy on your organ!!!

:sign10:
 
L

lana

Re: JOKES!!!

A few more Jokes!!

Two blondes are in Los Angeles

One blonde was looking at a travel brochure and asks the other....
"Which is further, London or the Moon?"

The other blonde replies:
"HELLOOOOO!!!!!!
Can you see London from here?????!!!!!"

Lana :wav:
 
L

lana

Re: JOKES!!!

Cindy, a beautiful, well-endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet... As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says:
Snatch Eating Frogs
Only $20 each!
Money-Back Guarantee!
(Comes with complete instructions).

Cindy excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to Ralph, the man behind the counter: "I'll take one."

Ralph, packaging up the frog, says, "Just follow the instructions carefully." Cindy nods, "Okay," grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Cindy takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do...
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into on a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there."

She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and, to her surprise, nothing happens! Cindy is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store". So, Cindy calls...

Ralph, the man from behind the counter says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over".

Within five minutes, Ralph is ringing her doorbell. Cindy welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

Ralph, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

Lana :wav:
 
L

lickedysplit

Re: JOKES!!!

:blob3: :blob3:

What happened to the irishman who pulled himself off?????


He went..................

:sign10:
:sign10:
:sign10:
 
L

Lisa

Jokes

Man Bashing Jokes

Why are Blonde Jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women?

Why don't men have to use toilet paper?
Because God made them perfect arseholes.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He is breathing.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls.

What is a mans idea of foreplay?
A half-hour of begging.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

What do you call a man with and IQ of 50?
Gifted.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know - it's never happened.

Why do men always have stupid looks on their faces?
Because they are stupid.

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

What do men have in common with tiles?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them forever.

Why do men have scrotums?
To keep both halves of their brains separate.
 
L

Lisa

Thanks

Thanks Serena. I got heaps of jokes. if anyone wants to read themundefinedundefined :hello: ;D
 
L

lana

The rudest joke of 2004!!

A little boy comes into the kitchen one day and says to his mum,"Granny's got a prawn!"

The mother says, "What on earth do you mean ?"

The boy takes his mother into the front room and shows his Granny stark naked asleep on the sofa.
He points to Grandmas protruding clitoris and says, "Granny's got a prawn !"

His mother whispers, "That's your Grandmother's clitoris son!"

To which the little boy replies...."Well, it tastes like a prawn!"


Lana
 
K

kinky_master

Why do Blondes like BMW's?
They can spell it

How does a Blonde spell Porsche?
P - Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh it doesn't matter anyway

What is the difference between a Blonde and a 747?
Not everyone has been in a 747

What do a Blonde and a 747 have in common?
The black box

Why do Blondes like height adjustable steering?
More head room

Why do Blondes like Sunroofs?
More Legroom

What did the Blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Geeeeee, I hope it's not mine!

How do you get a Blonde pregnant?
And you think Blondes are dumb!

Thank you very much Ladies and Gentlemen - and now my favourite.
Garanteed to go down like a lead balloon in any mixed company:


How do you give a woman an Orgasm?






Who cares!


Mind you perfect reply for that one is:

What is the difference between a clitoris and the local pub?
99% of Ausralian man know where the local pub is.

Ok - I stop here before I make more enemies.
Hope you enjoyed those bad jokes.
 
L

Lisa

Good Jokes

Great Joke, I never heard of that one
Lisa ;D


lana said:
A little boy comes into the kitchen one day and says to his mum,"Granny's got a prawn!"

The mother says, "What on earth do you mean ?"

The boy takes his mother into the front room and shows his Granny stark naked asleep on the sofa.
He points to Grandmas protruding clitoris and says, "Granny's got a prawn !"

His mother whispers, "That's your Grandmother's clitoris son!"

To which the little boy replies...."Well, it tastes like a prawn!"


Lana
Click to expand...
 
C

cutensexy

funnies

not as cool as some on here but funny nonetheless!!!!!

we will all relate to it sooner or later!!!!! :tongue3: :blob5:
 

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M

MASTER WIZARD

In a totally new vein

Greetings All,
Not sexy at all but a quiet chuckle for me!
 

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L

lana

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Lana
 
L

lana

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor.

He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position.

The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

Lana
 
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