Question for any married ladies

[Becky70]

I have been married for 16 yrs (im 41) and our sex life has dwindled to virtually nothing... not for want of trying on my behalf, I work out, take care of myself, and am experimental (if given the chance) in the bedroom (or any room lol..) but I virtually have to beg. Its humilating.

My question is, its gets me wondering if my hubby is A) Gay, B) Having a Affair or C) just has a really low sex drive

Am loking for advice because my hub seriously wouldnt worry if we never had sex, im sure of it, and it is really damanging our marriage, its not just guys that have these problems with their partners.

Any advice out there? :

 

[Peter]

Communication is the first thing you should try, if he is still unresponsive after that get a bit on the side!!!

 

[Demon]

Could be any of those three.

Low sex drive would normally have shown itself either early in your relationship or as a decline over time.

How long has lack of sex been an issue?

 

[antonov]

Wow Becky. I started reading your post and thought, here is another poor married guy whose sex life has dwindled to nothing like the rest of us - and then I did a double-take and realised it was a woman writing! WTF! He could have a mental problem and not know how lucky he is! Or on a more serious note, if it is not one of the three options you put forward, I guess he could have a medical problem which is affecting his sex drive? He could start with a blood test for testosterone levels and take it from there.

 

[wingman]

Stress can be a big reducer of sex drive too - does he work a billion hours?

 

[Haste69]

Dear Becky, Remember that men like to be in control. With respect, I suggest that you entice but play hard to get. The more you push him the more he will run away. PLUS - diet, health, exercise, cut out the grog, holidays, budget under control(?). Every prior comment is also correct: annual full medical checkup absolutely necessary including blood test with PSA. Remember also that a nice dinner out at least once a month is better for you both than paying $200 off the mortgage. Don't forget to let us all know progress! Good luck!

 

[Justlookin]

I think he's banging someone else.

 

[tiffanydoll]

hate to be the bearer of bad news but I went thu this crap for 11 years...I learned he was banging anything that moved behind my back...he lied from the start was a swinger and I didn't know it when I met him. He lied from the start and I could kick myself for being such a dumb ass. What did it for me was him sucking a guys dick that a TOTAL TURN OFF...thank god I am single now *phew*

 

[WRXXXR]

Maybe he's just bored sexually with you? I say that in the nicest possible way as no doubt he still loves you etc but after a few years I tend to get bored as well. It doesn't even matter how attractive you are it's too predictable and easy.

I know my sex drive takes a huge dive if I don't have much time out or if I work too many hours or only get 4 or 5 hours sleep a night

Do you guys take much time out? Does he still show you signs he loves you? Think carefully about that as blokes often show affection in different ways. Ie he works like a d

 

[aussielids]

It could be any of those three, or he could be suffering from the Black Dog. (Depression). The BD creeps up you slowly, so if it's been a slow a decline over time then this could also be the cause.
On the lighter side, if he's A or B, call me! Cause I'm in the opposite situation like most of the male married population

 

[dzasta56]

For me I just got bored with the same thing over and over. I was looking for some variety and didnt know how to get it. I was also working reciculous hours every week and that didnt help.
Thankfully she was also bored and went looking elsewhere. I found out and I am now happily single. I have never been better off.

 

[Peter]

The Pina Colada Song - YouTube

perhaps this song says it all ?

 

[intherough]

Communication is the key. If you are able to discuss this issue in an open and honest manner without blame then you can figure out a solution. Otherwise either see a counsellor about it and see if you can convince your husband to also go along with you.

 

[Becky70]

Thanks so much for all your comments, I appreciate the advice He is a very closed book (always has been), I know he loves me but I really miss the intimacy. He works incredibly long hours, comes to bed way after im asleep and gets up before I wake up, so I feel like im single. We neally divorced about 2 years ago because he found inappropriate text messages on my phone, but we decided to work through it. Thing is, nothing has changed.

I have tried talking to him about it numerous times, but he doesnt think its a problem at all. I even asked him if he was gay, which he said was ridiculous..

It seems that he just doesnt think sex is important in our relationship, but I really do. I went to counselling a couple of years ago, but he wouldnt come with me saying the problem is mine and that he was happy with our marriage.

Can a marriage survive like this I wonder? I guess time will tell.. Thanks again for your comments, I will take them to heart.

 

[tiffanydoll]

babe still gotta say I been thru this and mine was unfaithful number one and number two so if he aint gonna get off his ass n go with you to conselling sorry go out n get some for yourself ya can't go thru life like that it's fkg cruel!!! get divorce and live ya life again....

 

[tiffanydoll]

maybe ya should never have got married??????? some guys only think with one thing and it aint their brain thats for sure... just be open n bloody honest. My ex bf even had the nerve to say to my face OH A NEW VAGINA ITS ALL NEW N INGTERESTING!!! WHAT A CRETIN....WORST THING i EVER DID WAS MEETING HIM HMMMMMMMMM

 

[tiffanydoll]

try 11 years with being rejected???? I even got told to stop masturabting one night!!! I thought f u pal its my sex drive just cos u are a freak lol dont take any shit...some guys r just plain weird I tried sucking it ws limp as didnt even arise to the occasion BUT when ya fkg all of perth I am not surprised...oh did I meantion he may be gay as well ewwwwwwwwwwwwww

 

[tiffanydoll]

oh man if I was u babes I would be looking elsewhere I couldn't handle that its so disrepectful you deserve better we only live once!!!!!! hope it improveS...

 

[WRXXXR]

Becky, is everything else on the home front ok?

If not, why not see a male escort. Heaps of blokes do that (well with female escort). That way your not having an affair rather a paid service that makes you happy and the home life is still good

 

[Demon]

Marital experts have found that a stable relationship can be measured by a simple formula:

Lovemaking - arguments

If the number is negative, the relationship is in trouble.

How is yours?

If lovemaking = 0, arguments = 0 still works as total = 0.

 

[sexnut]

try 11 years with being rejected???? I even got told to stop masturabting one night!!! I thought f u pal its my sex drive just cos u are a freak lol dont take any shit...some guys r just plain weird I tried sucking it ws limp as didnt even arise to the occasion BUT when ya fkg all of perth I am not surprised...oh did I meantion he may be gay as well ewwwwwwwwwwwwww

Oh no no:nono: If you stop masturbating you will be told!.........to keep going don't stop!!!:la: Sounds like you had a bad run

Can't wait to let your frustrations out!! Bring fresh new batteries:notworthy lol

 

[sexnut]

Becky, is everything else on the home front ok?

If not, why not see a male escort. Heaps of blokes do that (well with female escort). That way your not having an affair rather a paid service that makes you happy and the home life is still good

Steps forward gallantly. My only purpose is to serve

 

[Peter]

Becky, is everything else on the home front ok?

If not, why not see a male escort. Heaps of blokes do that (well with female escort). That way your not having an affair rather a paid service that makes you happy and the home life is still good

Hello!!!!!!!! I like that advice!! Pick me !!!

 

[happytimes]

Hi Becky, I am not sure if your the same Becky that i only got to know thru messages or not, but your name sounds very familiar. Just not sure if you used Becky70. It doesn't really matter anyhow i don't think.

I was with my last Lady for 12 to 13 yrs and then stayed friends for around another 5yrs before she passed away.
We used to have the best sex going for years and done plenty of things together sexually, something i thought would never change but it did and to be honest i can't really tell you why.
Something just changed and i never thought i would loose the sexual feelings i had for her but i did. It may of been because she had a drinking problem which only got worse over the years and i did work long hours. So when i got home we were on different levels.
I never cheated on her and i pretty much know she didn't on me.
Then one day i ended up moving out and did have sex with some W/L's and she met another guy. I never got into another relationship till this day.
To cut along story short i had to end up coming back here to live as she got behind in the rent and was going to get kicked out.
After i did come back she always wanted to get back together and i said well you never know, but by now her drinking had begun to affect her health.
Also i couldn't work full time either as i have back probs from an accident that happened 30yrs earlier.
So maybe it is because of the fact he works long hours, it does change things.
Also when i couldn't work anymore we did become very close again and we had worked out to go away together that summer of 2008 but she didn't make it that far.
The question is did you ever have an affair a couple of years back? Not that it would really change much if he loved you if you did and it was nothing serious.
So to make sense out of any of this you need to talk about how you feel and see if he is still in love with you how he once was. Communication seems to break down after x amount of yrs for some people. So is he willing to talk about these things with you or have you tried to tell him your needs?
I wouldn't assume he is having an affair strait away as he may just not be very interested in sex at this stage of his life, for one reason or another. It does happen as you get older and sometimes you don't even realise this before it's to late. So as has been said you need to communicate with him in the best way you can before you give up on your marriage.
I know another couple in the same situation but it's her that isn't interested in sex but they are still together but she is very down most of the time, so it's more common then you may think.
This probably doesn't help you much but trust me you can loose interest in sex after x amount of time, i don't know how common it is but i do know it can happen.
As i said i never thought for a moment i would feel that way about my ex but it happened and as Fete had it we never ended up together again, which i am sure we would of.
Don't know if this helps you at all but i hope so, good luck H.T.

 

[Becky70]

Marital experts have found that a stable relationship can be measured by a simple formula:

Lovemaking - arguments

If the number is negative, the relationship is in trouble.

How is yours?

If lovemaking = 0, arguments = 0 still works as total = 0.

Thanks Demon, we dont really argue either so prob would be a 0 so maybe it would work like that?

 

[Demon]

Thanks Demon, we dont really argue either so prob would be a 0 so maybe it would work like that?

Describes a large number of successful marriages.

Unfortunately passion often dies.

 

[Becky70]

Becky, is everything else on the home front ok?

If not, why not see a male escort. Heaps of blokes do that (well with female escort). That way your not having an affair rather a paid service that makes you happy and the home life is still good

Yes everything else is fine, thats why its such a shame I guess I should think myself lucky though in that respect I just wondered if it were possible to have a succesful marriage without the sex side of things really, I guess you are right men go to escorts and I guess that does it?..

 

[Becky70]

oh man if I was u babes I would be looking elsewhere I couldn't handle that its so disrepectful you deserve better we only live once!!!!!! hope it improveS...

Thanks Tiffany, sorry you had such a rotten time though, hope you find love again

 

[Becky70]

Hi Becky, I am not sure if your the same Becky that i only got to know thru messages or not, but your name sounds very familiar. Just not sure if you used Becky70. It doesn't really matter anyhow i don't think.

Don't know if this helps you at all but i hope so, good luck H.T.

Thanks HT for sharing your story, yes I think we did chat a couple of years back, dont come on this board too much nowaways after being caught out so to speak

Thank you everybody for your insights, it feels good to vent a little with like minded peeps

 

[WRXXXR]

Yes everything else is fine, thats why its such a shame I guess I should think myself lucky though in that respect I just wondered if it were possible to have a succesful marriage without the sex side of things really, I guess you are right men go to escorts and I guess that does it?..

Take what I say with a pinch of salt but if everything else is good on the home front why not see a professional for a bit of tlc. No feelings, no late night flirty messages, no "cheating" etc. Purely a professional service that you pay for (look, in my eyes that's how I deem it ok).

You'll be happy, your not having an affair, he'll be none the wiser so he'll be happy and life will continue to be good.

Your car runs smoothly when you get it serviced every 5000kms yeh. I look at it the same for me

It sounds like he's working like a dog (for you both remember) so that's probably why he's not interested or maybe he still loves and values you but doesn't find you sexually attractive anymore. Not saying you aren't but when you eat steak everyday for years, you'll eventually get bored.