Just after some Opinions :)

[SubNymphet]

Hey all, about 2 years ago i found out my fiance was cheating on me, had been going round to a sluts house(and i can call her that, 2 kids to 2 dads and not with either of them) after work, he is a DJ. Went round there a few times, had sex 3 of those times from what i found out from her, i only found out coz the idiot saved her number in his phone with no name, so curious me called her and the rest is history. ANYWAY, back to the point...
since i found out we split for a few months, got back together and are now married.
I know all guys look at porn etc which i am fine with but after the cheating, which went on ever about 6 months so it obviously wasnt JUST sex (straight after i had a miscarriage too) i put the provision to him that i dont care what he does as long as he tells me about it, but he constantly looks at porn and denies it (i occasionally see it in the history on the computer when he forgets to delete it) and even after i see it he still denies it, lies and says he never mastubates even when i see stains on the toilet seat and rarely has sex with me, lucky to get it once a month!
i guess after all that rambling on, should i be worried he is cheating on me again? i know the saying once a cheater always a cheater but he was the one who proposed, and wanted to get married and wanted it a big white wedding and all.... and he gets all teary eyed when we talk about it

i dunno, im just soooo confused! argggg someone please give me thier opinions!

 

[Smoggy]

Doesn't look good. Have you actually spoken with him and expressed your concerns? Sexual activity or lack of it is usually gives a good indication as to the state of a relationship. If his is obtaining his sexual fulfillment elsewere (or with himself) and ignoring your needs I think your relationship is really struggling. Difficult to say what to do next. However, I would be cautious about making long term plans with this guy until this is resolved.

 

[TemptMe]

Well not too bright a picure here for you Sub... You already have knowledge of his past history so that is likely to cloud the future. For me it would be the lies... you are feeling distrust towards the guy otherwise you wouldn't be checking the computer history etc.. Guess in the end it boils down to how much you are willing to take and how poorly you are going to let him treat you. We all deserve to feel good about ourselves - do what feels right for you!!!!

 

[jakb1]

sorry to hear this but i dont think its too good either. I think maybe ur just one of those really good people and stuck with a jirk, user person. Have a deep chat with him see where he stands if it dont sound promissing or things dont improve time to look abroad. no one deserves to be treated like that and lifes too short for you to not enjoy it.
sorry to be the bearer of bad news but i hate it when people have two standards and use people. i bet you he wouldnt like it if you were cheating right???

 

[Naughty Thoughts]

I agree with the others.

If you've basically given him carte blanche to do as he likes but with the sole provision of telling you about it and he still denies doing basic, "I've already caught you" things like looking at porn on the computer then that's a big red flag right there.

With only the information in your first post, I'd say that there was something in his background that he is either fighting internally against or has altered his behaviour (with or without his knowledge).

For example, if he had a very strict religious upbringing (or even just a strict prudish upbringing) then that would be a lot of baggage telling him "sex stuff is bad" - but he has his natural urges and sexual tendencies so he has conflicting ideals in his head.

Likewise, if he has trust issues then it'll make it hard for him to confide information in others (such as "yes, I masturbate") that he may perceive as something that other people should not know.

There is a very limited amount of advice that we can offer and we only get the information that you provide. It comes down to how much you want to be with this person, do you trust him enough to sleep next to him at night and do you see yourself devoting several years to being with him?

 

[Spunkymunky]

i put the provision to him that i dont care what he does as long as he tells me about it, but he constantly looks at porn and denies it (i occasionally see it in the history on the computer when he forgets to delete it) and even after i see it he still denies it, lies and says he never mastubates even when i see stains on the toilet seat and rarely has sex with me, lucky to get it once a month!

I was with my ex for 5 years and he had a lying issue. He would lie about all sorts of things even when he knew they wouldn't get him into trouble - he just lied. And if it was something bad well the lies were HUGE - he'd lie to get out of a lie and so on.

After 5 years i learnt he wont ever tell the truth and we split up.....and he hooked up with an ex best friend of mine straight away (he LIED about her LOL) and they have been togethor 2 years now. He does the saaaaaaame thing - lies when he see's me, lies when he goes out with mates, lies about porn, lies about important things......bills, money etc.

I guess from that i have learnt it isnt so much that a cheater is always a cheater, i think it is more a person who lies to get out of what they percieve is an awkward or unflattering situation will always do that. It's ingrained. So they lying wont stop. So even if he doesnt cheat - how will you know?

You have my sympathies *hugs*

 

[Minxxy]

Oh you poor possum. No one deserves this shit.

If a guy lies about jerking off, then that is only the tip of the iceberg. Who knows what else is going on? And if he told you, could you honestly believe him 100%? Relationships are built on trust and I feel like this relationship doesnt have any left

You deserve better than this. I have been in your shoes, and it is the hardest thing to walk away, but you need to do it for yourself. You deserve better. Walk with your head high girl. Dont play his mind games. Plenty more fish...

 

[Spunkymunky]

Minxxy's right..........sometimes it takes awhile to be able to walk away but you deserve better.

 

[svengali]

I agree with most of the above comments.

If he has cheated once he could well do it again unless he truly has turned over a new leaf. If you have caught him telling lies more than once then the chances are there are other porkies you haven't found out about. That is the problem with lies isn't it? Bust one and you wonder how many more are lurking in the dark corners.

Here is a question for you: Why and how much do you love this guy? What attracted you to him and was strong enough to drag you back to him after the cheating episode? Is this attribute(s) worth putting up with all the other crap for?

If all else fails you could suggest counselling. That is usually a kill or cure measure. If you both participate with open minds and a willingness to compromise it can work wonders. If it is only going to be another battleground forget it.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

 

[BarbieAmore]

SubNymphet if you are asking the question then deep down you know the answer. Its your own little subconcious alarm bell thats ringing

 

[SubNymphet]

wow, amazed at the number of responses already, although sounds like a resounding answer...

to answer a few further questions...

Yes he did have a fairly strict catholic upbringing (his mother is a total prude) and none of his family are big talkers, he has always had problems discussing his feelings etc which i have always linked to his family,

I have suggested more than once to go to counseling (either just him or couples) which he doesnt want to do either as he doesnt feel comfortable discussing his personal issues with anyone, least of all a stranger (his reasoning)

When we got together we both gave up a lot to be together, there is a 10year gap between us, i was 14 when we first met and 15 when we first slept together, and he is a primary school teacher (NOT how we met i feel i must stress) so the first few years together weere kept very quiet. I distanced myself from a lot of disaproving friends as did he...

He always made me feel so safe just when he held me, and i still get tingles all down my body when i get a real hug from him (problem is, the hugs dont happen as often anymore) and i just love him with every part of my being... i just have these trust issues... which arent completely irrational i know

I have explained to him how i feel and he is always so apologetic and even cries about it, and makes promises things will change and sometimes they do fo a little while, but they never seem to last...

Sometimes it makes me wonder whether it is purely the age difference, that there really is something for me to wonder about or if it is partially my issue as i am not comfortable with myself so how can i be comfortable with someone else?

I guess i just dont want to be another devorced 20yo!!! (not to mention the custody battle for the 5 hairy kids!!! three dogs and 2 cats!)

 

[Newbies081]

I'm going to go out on a big limb here and suggest he's a massive asshole.

The history, the current actions, that he got himself involved with you so young when he should know full well how it often ends up... you really, honestly don't need this shit.

He's after a child he can fuck around, you're not that anymore.

 

[Spunkymunky]

I'm going to go out on a big limb here and suggest he's a massive asshole.

The history, the current actions, that he got himself involved with you so young when he should know full well how it often ends up... you really, honestly don't need this shit.

He's after a child he can fuck around, you're not that anymore.

My experience with an older guy is that want to feel......not superior (thats not the right word)......but more in control than you. Like they are making the decisions and you are following them because they are older, wiser and more mature than you are.

Often this isn't the case and as Newbies said, he probably feels like he is losing control of a person whose every decision he previously played a deciding role in......

 

[SubNymphet]

From day 1 he never controlled any aspect of my life... I made the all the decisions, when we started seeing each other (he chased after me for about a year before i finally agreed) and after about 3 months together i travelled for 5 months alone, where he waited for me and i do beleive that he was honest through that period.
He did propose to me and was the one who wanted to get married but he wanted all that about 4 years ago when i was 17 and we only just got married 6 months ago...

On the topic of control i think i big part of it may be that he feels he is losing control of HIS life rather than mine... hmmm
he does have low self confidence and i beleive he is somewhat depressed, not that he'd admit it, he seems to have lost intererest and passion in all areas of his life...

hmmm just so difficult, too many different sides to him!

 

[Minxxy]

Sub... at the end of the day, is this the marriage you want? Do you want to be here in five years? Ten years? If you have told him how you feel, and he is not willing to make changes toensure the happiness of you both, then he is not committed to the success of the relationship. Promises mean nothing. Actions speak louder than words. And what do his actions say to you??

 

[Newbies081]

he does have low self confidence and i beleive he is somewhat depressed

I'd have low self esteem if it dawned on me that I was a horrible monster tooling around with children as well.

You're older now, but I don't honestly see how anybody could look back on his actions and say "Yes, this is clearly a mature, reasonable man I am involved with."

 

[SubNymphet]

Just quickly on the age topic, before people put him into some category as a sexual predator... when we first met he didnt know my age and actually thought i was a lot older than i was he thought i was about 18! to his defence on that i am a bigger girl and well stacked in the breats department and most have always thought i was older than i actually am... i also didnt correct him until after the first time we were together (at which stage i had actually been going out with a friend of his (who was 8 yrs older) for 18mnths before... all my relationships, except one have been with older guys by at least 5 yrs... so yeah... not entirely his fault that he fell for me before he really knew me...
anyways...

i do love him, more than i could have ever thought possible, and sometimes things are sooo great and it makes me forget about all the bad things, but the bad times currently seem to outway the good - i guess i just need to vent a bit

(oh im a bit more possitive now coz I FINALLY GOT SOME last nite, yay me!)

 

[Minxxy]

Sub my concern has nothing to do with age. Just with my experiences and with partners who makes promises that they dont keep. If there is anyone in the entire world that you need to be open, honest and faithful to, it is your life partner. You have vows. My concern is that they are baseless.

I can hear that you love this person, but love doesnt make it ok what he does to you. Do you think you deserve better?

 

[TemptMe]

In agreeance with you there Minxxy - honesty, openness and faithfulness very important in that life partner. Sub you mention that he tries to change but it doesn't last long - do you think that will be different in the future? You are young and to spend your life in a marriage without the basic decency of respect and being valued what sort of life is it? You say you think he is depressed and perhaps a bit out of control of his life - the only person that can change and improve that is the man himself. There are many facilities out there that can offer great advice and assistance, but they won't come knocking at your door. You can be there to support but without him wanting to take ownership of his issues there is little you can do. You need to focus on yourself and how you are willing to live your life - happy & content or walked all over & disrespected?

 

[SubNymphet]

Well... i am now living with my sister! heh.

Wasnt too far off the mark, as it turns out... at the time of me posting on here he wasn't cheating but just a month later it started... going on for 4 months before i found out... and just to think after that post i put effort in and thought we were actually getting somewhere!!!

He didnt even tell me, i found out from 'her' fiance! happened about 6 times and he told her he loved her... (to get her into bed was his excuse! lol)

Well found out last week on the 19th... moved out 4 days later.

He has done the 'im so sorry, im a idiot' thing and begged for me back. I have managed to remain very calm, no yelling and screaming and only slapped him once (which is amazing considering i struggle with anger management!) and told him he has one last chance and has to win me back...

He is now seeing a counsellor every week, and has to do one romantic act every day, which he has done well with the last 10 days. I even got a rose from him! (delivered on the windscreen of my car coz i refused to see him!) 5 years and first rose he has ever given me!

I just dont know why i keep giving him another chance... i will be staying with family for at least a month before considering moving back home... i know that if i want to fix things i cant be too harsh... i hope counselling and his desire to fix things is enough for me to get over this. I am making him jump through some serious hoops!!!

at least he is actually talking about it this time... he still cant give me a solid reason why it happens... something about being cheated on in the past by other g/f's and not wanting to get hurt by me... being scared of the future. typical bullshit.

Has anyone been through counselling for something like this? did it work? anyone out there been on either end of a lying partner? did you ever get past it?

My biggest worry is i might be able to forgive him, but will i ever be able to truely forget and move on? argggg!!!! why do people have to lie!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Spunkymunky]

People lie because they are people - it's just in our nature. My experience of counselling was if you can lie to your life partner or family it isn't that much harder to lie to a counsellor.....but that doesnt meant it wont work for some people.

Good luck with getting the best thing for YOU out of this situation.

 

[SubNymphet]

Thanks Spunky. I wish i knew what was best. everyone thinks i should just drop him and run. and honestly, that thought goes through my head many times a day. but i dont hate him. i hate what he has done... i still want to see him, and call him. i guess that kinda makes me weak. but im not going to go back unless i'm 100% sure. I need to see how much he wants me back. make him work for it! heh. i spose one good thing, i can still laugh.

 

[Larry83]

i really hope things work out for you both.
My first partner and i tried counselling but a month later i found her in bed with someone else. Then we tried counselling again. She would have a bit too much to drink sometimes and then tell me of a guy and how she wanted to kiss him. I loved her and i think i always will. And like you hated her actions.
But in the end that relationship had to end, for my mental well being. With my current partner we talk about alot of things and went to a counsellor for a few things and found it really helped. The main fact being that we both wanted things to be better. You can forgive but be careful not to forget. And i believe that anything is possible. I really think that he may have a chance as long as he always stays true, works on his communication and in time forgives himself but never forgets for someone as sweet as yourself needs to be treated sweetly. Thats my 2 cents

 

[RoadRunner]

Sub , once the trust goes in a relationship it never truly returns and your spend the rest of your life with that underlying mistrust , if they can do it once , they will some time , somewhere , do it again , not tomorrow , not next year , but they will do something behind your back sooner or later , and the more you disapprove of the act the harder they will try and hide the fact . Get out whilst you can , you dont need the crap ...R.R.

 

[TemptMe]

This isn't the first time and it is likely not to be the last time why hang around???

 

[satyr79]

"...there is a 10year gap between us, i was 14 when we first met and 15 when we first slept together, and he is a primary school teacher." WTF!!!!!! That is cut and dried unlawful carnal knowledge, legally speaking, statutory rape. You need to get as far away from this guy as possible and stay away. I feel really sorry for you. I would definitely think about counselling too, not for him forget him. Counselling is by no means an admission of failure or shortcomings. It is, on the contrary, a sign of courage and integrity that one is prepared to face some rather unpleasant things, in order to move on and improve one's self. You have been through the wringer without a doubt and I wish you the best in dealing with the fallout. Just don't do it with this idiot in the picture...

 

[SubNymphet]

hmm i understand the point of view. as i mentioned though, he didnt realise my age at the time, and never corrected him. but anyway. There was never a problem for us as far as the age was concerned, yes i know there are plenty of guys out there after the pre-legal girls but that wasnt what this was about.

My question is nothing to do with him as a person, it is purely his actions in the last 2 years... i am now 21, old enough, ugly enough and definatly experienced enough to look after myself as far as the age gap goes so please... i understand how it may look from the outside, but drop the age issue. THAT IS NOT THE PROBLEM HERE!!!

 

[SubNymphet]

And just an update.

It has now been 2 weeks since i found out. and suprisingly things are going quite well. Today = first day with no tears! yay!
His 2nd counselling session and already he's starting to talk to me more.
He took me out on a lovely date on the weekend, romantic picnic and a movie.
Im still not ready to go back there... but there is definatly a possibility of one last chance..
Im heading to the counsellor in the next week or so to sort out how i really feel about everything then we'll try couples counselling. fingers crossed.

i think most of me does want to give this another go.. but the rest of me is shit scared of what could happen. 3 outcomes that i can see...
either...
i take him back and it works (obviously my preference at this stage)
I take him back and he does it again and totaly fucks me round making me never trusty men again and become a lesbian for once and for all
OR
I kick him to the curb, be absolutly miserable for a few months then move on with my life...

heres hoping number one happens...

Thankyou to all the advice out there. its been helpful reading all your responsed. helped me really think about whats going on and my priorities... i actually got him to read these posts and i think it gave him a bit of a wake up call...

Just please guys stop thinking about the age factor. We got over that years ago as did our families so it really doesnt come into this!!!!! I only mentioned it to help people understand where we have come from and how hard we worked to get together in the first place!!!

 

[MASTER WIZARD]

To Quote a friend of mine (not on here)"How we do some things is how we do Most things."
In my experience "Lies are an addictive activity".
Are the lies too painful? Could you consider a *Polyamourous* relationship?

 

[SubNymphet]

To be honest Master, it is funny You suggest that... i have actually considered on a few occasions a poly relationship, or to swing... but the same concern is there. honesty.
If i cannot believe anything he says, i would have no way of knowing what he is getting up to and whether he is telling me the truth about any others he may be with. What i had suggested to him in the past is to be free to sleep with other people but limit the emotional connection (one night stands etc) and to tell me about it, but he said no!!!

I have also suggested that when/if things sort out that i would like to take him to a swingers club/party, not so much to 'experience hands on' but to just be in that open sexual environment in the hopes that seeing a bit of eye candy without needing to feel bad about it may satisfy the urges and if we manage to build the trust back up, then consider full participation...

hmmm... i suppose that is what makes the betrayal hurt so much more... i gave him so many opportunities to do something with other people, with me somehow involved... yet he still went behind my back...

grrr! heres hoping his counselling will help the lying and we will be able to get through this. He has asked me to 'sleep over' saturday night. lets see if we can survive 12hours together without me killing him!