Is it wrong for married men to seek sex discreetly on the side.

[sioxie]

Well ive read some really interesting replies on whether it is ok for married people to discretly cheat on their partners.

the general response appears to be
- if your found out the other partner is devestated but realise there was an inherant problem - so it acts as a catalyst to seperate

So let me ask this:
IS IT OK FOR MARRIED MEN TO DISCREETLY LOOK AT PORNO AND GET OFF ON IT

Now thats an interesting question.....my ex had a porn video collection running into the hundreds.......it wasnt a case of whether it ws ok for him to get off on it........he was OBSESSED with it to the point that on the few occasions we did have sex he couldnt or wouldnt do it without watching some big breasted chick get gang banged by 6 guys.....
I was just incidental to the action he wouldnt b concerned with my pleasure he was too busy fixated on the screen. I think when that happens there is definately a problem.

Because i was continually left frustrated and unfulfilled i began watching his porn and masturbating when he ws at work and boy was he angry when he found out! Said wasnt he good enough for me etc etc. He ended up locking all his " collection" away when he went to work so i had to discreetly go buy my own lol............

 

[reazon]

All very interesting...

One of the things that has kept us together for more than 20 years (apart from being deeply in love) is the fact that from early on we decided that we did not own each other and we were not going to suffocate each other by being too possessive. You must be able to breath.
Does this mean that we have an open relationship? I guess it does, but does it mean we sleep around all the time? Although we can, we don't have to or need to.
Having said that, we do have sex on the side because we can and because we know it's just that, sex. We also tell each other about it and get turned on by it as well. But we prefer to watch each other with another man or woman so that's why we are in this lifestyle.
At the end of the day, it's about trust and "joie de vivre". After all, you only live once so have fun doing it.

 

[Shannon]

Communication!

If a partner seeks company,sex or a good time outside the realms of the relationship then you need to ask the question?
Men are physical beings and will often seek sex elsewhere if the sexual side of their relationship has gone stale, whereas women on the other hand will seek others outside the relationship if their emotional needs are not met.

The breakdown of relationship is NOT the fault of one individual alone, all too often the partner who has been caught out is branded the one to blame when in reality both parties are. When you buy a vechicle you maintain that vechicle so that it runs smoothly, a relationship is the same, it needs constant maintanence to run smoothly. Communication is the key to this and if you cannot talk to your partner openly about your desires and needs from the relationship then of course it will ultimatly fail in the end! In todays society we have all become to busy and complacent with our own life that we forget and or take for granted those who we hold most dear to us.

To put blame onto one partner only is a selfish act in itself, no-one is perfect and we all have our own needs and wants, if those needs and wants are not met then talk about it, if trust is broken it is generally because there has been no communication in the relationship, if you stay in that relationship when all trust is broken and you feel that it will never be the same again then you are a fool unto yourself and causing yourself more misery, not only for you but also for your partner. If a relationship can be destroyed in 6 months what took 30 years to build then i say you have had the blinds closed over your eyes within the relationship for far too long and been far too complacent, both parties should move on unless you can agree to talk it through or go to counselling and mend what has been destroyed, this of course takes time but can and has been done when both parties are open and ADULT like.

 

[sioxie]

I agree with the first part of what u are saying shannon but as for the rest i beg to differ..........

"The breakdown of relationship is NOT the fault of one individual alone, all too often the partner who has been caught out is branded the one to blame when in reality both parties are. When you buy a vechicle you maintain that vechicle so that it runs smoothly, a relationship is the same, it needs constant maintanence to run smoothly."


No one could have worked harder than me to maintain my marriage. I worked my butt off to keep him sexually interested, did all the usual stuff bought the sexy lingerie, sex toys, suggested getting others in to join us.....went to god knows how many counsellors....... all to no avail so to suggest u cant blame just one person for the break up of a relationship/ marriage is bullshit. I was open and honest the whole time, kept the communication going.......HE chose not to do the right thing and played up on me as per my former post. And no i wasnt the nagging bitch from hell so u u cant blame that either, anyone that knows me knows that i am a straight shooter and i say what i feel but i am also a very generous, loving, caring person. The bottom line is i couldnt have been anymore ADULT as u put it.........i did the right thing by him and nver cheated..............

 

[honeyblonde]

Shannon

All things in life have a time span. Each relationship in life is for a purpose.
When I was first married I had been hitching all over the world has a stack of lovers yet had never really got much out of sex except when I masturebated.

I was blonde with a 36 22 36 body. No body ever took the time out to teach me what sex was about. I just assumed all i had to do was lay back and get the life fucked out of me. I learnt how to fuck how to give head but never to help myself sexualy. I met my x, I actually went out with his mate before him and his mate fucked me and then went and told my x what a great lay I was. silly thing is I had a reputation as a great fuck yet I never had an orgasim( go figure). I must have faked it so well.


so i marry a guy who does not turn me on but hey I did not realise thats whats supposed to happen. we live together raise kids and never talk about sex. I finaly try to talk about it but he gets shitty and then feels guilty and says I will not sexually harras you so much anymore.

We went to a councellor once and that was only becuse I left him. he hated it and would not mention sex at all.

he went back to hounding me about sex and once I was actually under him crying my eyes out and he said sorry just let me finish I willnot take a sec.

I was adult I did try but no amount of talking will ever fix anything if your not sexualy compatable in the fist place. if you start from a broken space you will end up in that same space.

my x is in another relationship and he is not a mean man just a totally ignorant man when it came to sex with me. I gave him a shit load of books after we divorced and hope he reads them and has it a lot better in his new relationship.

when people do move on, then in all honesty they may feel lonely at times but its worth it to be yourself and to be free of sexual repression both for men and women
honeyblonde

 

[sioxie]

Well honeyblonde this will b way too much info for rayman hahahah....

Im not pissed off with my relationship ending as i seriously have had the best 5 years since........i am doing all the things now that i could have done 20 years ago......what i do hate is wasting time...........and if i knew he wasnt that happy and if he had been honest abt it i would have moved on earlier.......

 

[Floyd]

growth is not a dirty word

Honey,

You're a wise woman. Many people don't know shit from clay about themselves (let alone their partners) when they get married - call it youth, immaturity, stupidity, ignorance or whatever. It's when people start to develop wisdom at different speeds or in different directions that relationships end or go "wrong".

Call me cynical but I don't believe in fairy tales anymore, no more "happy ever afters", no more " in love forever and ever". Those are concepts sold to us at an early age by Interflora, Hallmark cards and the people that make those delicious "shell" shaped chocolates (the bastards!).

It may sound sexist but I know a lot of guys who will never be "men" because they don't believe or value or are incapable of growth.

 

[Geneva]

Shannon, Re Communication

Sure our sex life had gone stale but I never realised how bad it was for him. If things had got so bad why didn't he sit me down and tell me what he was considering doing instead of just going ahead and then letting me find out the way I did. I realize I was a complacent fool who thought she had everything and took it all for granted never realizing how unhappy he was until it was to late. May be a part of me understands him going with the girls but it is the fact that he kept up a relationship with one of them for so long that makes me think it was more than just a working girl client relationship. The phone calls and sms, even calling her at her home on several occasions and all this after we had started talking about our feelings, needs and wants. He has also told me the sex was never sucessful with the girls, if this is the truth why did he keep trying. The thought in my mind is that moving on is the only way I can deal with what he has done and no matter what you say he made the choice to ruin our marriage the day he went to the brothel. I might of been slack in bed but I don't think I deserveded what
I got. He always told me if I cheated on him he would leave me but he expects me to forgive and forget. I can't.

 

[sioxie]

I know EXACTLY where u are coming from geneva i tried to forgive my ex for using sex workers but found i couldnt. Not cause i had a prob with it ( as he used to b a sex worker himself to put himself thru uni b4 i met him) but because he lied to me abt it.....and tried to cover it up whilst telling me our relationship was ok and he loved me.........

 

[artist30]

hope

Floyd!!

I disagree...ever after does exist...and it can only be find when we truly listen to our hearts.:lovestory. As humans, we should never give up hope....that special person is out there...just cause we haven't met them doesn't mean they don't exist.
never give up!!:love10:

 

[melissa@talkinsex]

Honesty

I think talking to your partner about your sexual needs and being honest would be the best way to go. But for some people it's the forbidden and secret part of having an affair which is the turn on not the actual sex. Off to counseling before the act (in an ideal world). If not, be willing to face the consequences of your actions! :dontknow:

 

[BigBoyBlue]

It amuses me how so many people see the concept of cheating in 'black and white'. Some people become so inflamed over someone going outside a relationship they become convinced that the person who strayed is worse than a murderer.

Reading some of this thread (not all, its a long read), I would like to throw in my story....

I have cheated. Its not something Im proud of, but on the same token not something that I feel was a crime.

I tried to talking to my partner about alot of issues, she told me she didn't want to hear about how inadequate I made her feel, and especially about my dirty urges.
If she caught me wanking, she used to make me feel so bad I reckon it wouldnt have been worse if my mother had caught me.
How would I feel if she had an affair, quite frankly I wouldn't have minded, maybe it would ease my own guilt that I sought a little company and a little less rejection from someone else, maybe I could hope that someone else more sexier than I could kick start her libido.

At home I would feel rejected, redundant, unattractive and worthless. However, the women I sought werent about sex really, it was about wanting someone to want me.

I guess I justied myself by saying that it wasnt cheating because she was knocking it back. But in the long term, I had to look at myself and ask, if Im not really giving the relationship my all, who am I REALLY cheating on here ....

People cheat for many reasons, whether they quest for a bit on the side, for greed, self-ego, grass-greener, romantic thrills, whatever. I think we shouldn't judge them, despite what our own ideals may be.

Is it wrong for married men to seek sex discreetly on the side ?
Well, unless their wives find out, its entirely up to them. You may think its wrong, and they may justify it with apparent flawed reasoning, but it is not illegal, so its not our problem.

 

[SwingingM&K]

As a couple you can choose to build your own world together with your own moral conciousness of life. If you are not hurting anybody else or lying to people and betraying them you can live life anyway you want and each relationship is really different and has its own set of rules.

So for some people the answer to the question may be that in there relationship the answer is no in others it might be yes.

In our relationship we have had many different experiences but we have both walked into it with open eyes, knowing what each other is like and loving them for that. So for us when someone seeks some physical or emotional pleasure outside of our relationship it isn't some big deal, it isn't a sign of something gone wrong it isn't really a big deal at all. Its something that we trust each other with because we understand our conection, know its strengh and know that in the end it is the most important thing to both of us and that we are bound together permanently no matter what happens.

We don't have to worry about each other forming a bond more special with someone else or be insecure about it because we know that they could never be as special to us because they just haven't been around to share the same experiences over time and to discuss life so deeply and to share so intimately.

So for us cheating in the past is one of the experiences that built us together and gave us such a strong bond of experience, intimacy and shareing.

 

[trashhammer]

What if you see WL's not for any mental problem that Dr. Phil would dream up and pin it back on you. " ..its because you don't have enuff self-asteem, low self image, not happy with your partner, a power trip ..or other such bull****"

What if
....you do it simply because you adore the female form, how she reacts ,the view, the feelin of what she does to you, it feels so good, and you love variety.

No one ever asks that question on daytime TV....and why ...because it relates back to the old quote from overconfident that women say to their friends about their partner..

Why would he have sausages out,
when he can have steak at home ?

The answer ..Because it's different !

TH

 

[chris]

i think if your not happy withh your relationship with your wife (chating wise) why be married?

 

[trashhammer]

What Wife ?

Single At The Moment ... And Glad Of It !

 

[Bolsch]

what if the partner is great in every other area of the relationship other than sex and oral?
some people don't like sex as much as others.
some women WONT give head.
then what? just keep on wanking mate?
what's the answer then?
Bol

 

[lickmyman]

I think the answer is honesty, one way or the other, speak to your wife tell her that your needs aren't being met, put the ball back in her court. You'll never know what she's willing to do or except until you discuss it with her it's better then living with skeletons in the closest waiting to jump out, who wants to live like that? Chances are she's probably in a rut and maybe she'll change things with you...good luck to you:headbang:

 

[bushseeker]

Yep! thats it just Yep. i would be reeel cut to find out my missus was having a slice on the side and it can only go both ways.