Interview with Yoda
By Custer
Recently I came across a thread:
http://www.talkinsex.com/threads/dating-a-working-lady-advice-please.28146/
Discussions within this thread are a mixed bag. From deep emotional queries to light hearted banter. Within this thread there is a link to a great article about a perspective on dating a sex worker. This inspired me to search for an individual here in Perth that has been through this. After some research, I identified that Yoda on the talkinsex forum had a story to tell. After making contact, Yoda agreed to be interviewed about his past relationship with a working lady.
We met at a casual restaurant. During the interview, this man made no effort to dramatize anything despite the impression I had of him from his threads and comments on the forum. He is often deep in thought as he pauses between sentences and is comfortable with showing his emotions according to how he feels. Yet with what I heard in this interview, he is one of the calmest individuals I have come across.
Master Yoda, thank you for being here today to share this part of your history with us.
Thank you George, it is a privilege to be invited to this interview. And just call me Yoda. I had Master removed from my forum name as that came from a time in the past when I was driven by ego a little more than I needed to be.
No worries. So Yoda give us a run down on the long-term relationship you had with this working lady. And who was she?
Sure, if you don’t mind though I will not say who it is as I do not have her consent. We met in late 2009. One morning after staying up all night for work I decided that I really wanted to have a punt. So I searched every venue that I knew existed that may be open at that time. I started at Langtrees, but no one was available. Jacqui the receptionist took my number and said that she that she will call me when a lovely lady she had in mind finished an outcall and returns.
From there I carried on searching from place to place with no luck until I got the phone call from Jacqui and I returned to Langtrees. At the reception counter I met with a young lady that really captured me. She had me at “hi”, and what was there was way beyond physical attraction. I decided then and there that this hour was going to be about her.
After a magical hour, numbers were exchanged and within days we met everyday in our own time for one solid month. And after that we moved in together.
Things progressed really fast. What was that like?
Surreal would be the best way to describe it. It was heaven on earth then. She carried on working, and I carried on punting. It is strange I know. Yet she was always on my mind.
So before we get into some of the details of your time with this young lady, how long did this relationship last?
About four and a half years. In this time a lot happened. I’d like to point out though that at the start of our relationship I was in a very bad place in many areas of my life. And it seemed as though having her in my life saved me in many ways. I had the notion at the time that I was going to change her life for the better. I even wrote a song about the time she entered my life.
So Yoda, tell us more about this relationship. Was it good? Bad?
(At this point he paused for maybe a whole minute).
It started out as the most beautiful and functional relationship I had every experienced. It was considered an open relationship with very little boundaries. The relationship lasted about 1500 days. One thousand of those days were unbearable beyond what I can describe when it came to the mental and emotional trauma it brought me.
From the beginning I thought I knew what I was getting into. She was a working girl, and she was going to do this for a little longer but not forever. And her work was just work. She came home to me every night because she chose me to be her man. Looking back that was the case. But there was always one thing that bothered me that I hardly admitted to from the very start.
And what was that?
That I could not stand the thought of the woman I loved having sex with so many other men.
What effect did that have on your relationship?
Even in the early stages when things were so good and we were so in love I made what she was doing wrong. Whether I said it or not it bothered me. And later on I voiced a lot of that.
My experience of her at the time was that she was inconsiderate and did not care how much I was suffering even though she was fully aware of it. Money came first, the army of other guys she was sleeping with came first. Whether this was true or not will differ from our perceptions. But that was what I felt at the time.
What was it like for you at the time?
As months turned to a couple of years, I became increasingly insecure. And I would live in a constant pool of fear and panic when she saw clients that were regulars many of them booked over night frequently. I know now that there was nothing to worry about as she came home to me all the same. Yet I spent endless hours tormenting myself when she was with clients. More and more her job became a bad thing in mind and I kept telling her that in more ways that I realised at the time.
Yoda stopped speaking and just went into deep thought. I eventually asked him if he was ok to carry on.
Yes of course.
I see now that I was making her wrong and I made her experience her job as a bad thing. By 3 years into the relationship I had totally lost the concept that what she did was just a job. She would have good days and good clients and the opposite on other days. That means I was never there for her when she wanted my shoulders to cry on. Or when she wanted to share her joys with me. I was never there for her when she needed me for the most part. So I am now not surprised when she needed these conversations with people other than myself.
The threats that I perceived were against me like her meeting a better man was never there. I created all of that from the mindset that I had myself confined to.
So did you want her to stop doing that job or you?
All the time! It rolled off my tongue every opportunity I got. I refused to listen to where she was coming from. At the time I was not capable of being open to anything outside of my destroyed ideals. I felt I was already the most understanding boyfriend in the world. Yet I felt that she would do anything to serve her own needs without consideration of the consequences it had on our relationship and me.
She even made had me believe that she did stop for a while. And maybe she did for a short time. But that was uncovered to be a devastating lie.
So what was the outcome of the relationship?
Well in the end when every last bit of tolerance, forgiveness, consideration, and commitment towards each other was mutually destroyed. She was dishonest about almost everything she did. Most of what she said was lies that I would uncover almost every time. She saw clients in ways that were beyond professional capacity. I will not speak for her. But what I had created for myself was sheer pain every single moment.
The relationship ended nearly a year ago. I am unsure as to how civil or nasty it was as I was really in too much of a mess to make any judgements at that time.
I went through spaces of resentment, missing her, wanting her back, never wanting to see her again, and many other spaces.
So where are you at now Master Yoda?
I am at peace now with what I went through. I believe that everything and everyone in life is predestined. We both did our best according to what we knew at the time. The wisdom of hindsight has told me about what I did or did not do to contribute to the outcome. In everything I have said I pointed out some of the ways I was being. I take ownership of that. And yes she did do some terrible things. Yet it is up to me to take ownership of my doings in the situation.
Since then I have gone through a long journey of self realisation and turned all these experiences into lessons that have brought me insight in how to deal with life in many ways beyond just relationships. I guess I am at peace with the lessons the Universe offered me.
Master Yoda you spoke with no anger through this interview. I must ask how you feel about this lady? Do you wish to reconcile?
No. I really don’t. If I am brutally honest, some of these memories still hurt me. But no, the past is in the past. At times we still communicate when necessary. Yet I keep my distance. I cannot speak for her, but I suspect she feels the same.
Yet I realise that she and I shared so many moments that are still the most beautiful times I have ever experienced.
Is there anything you want to say to people out there that may be experiencing what you have been through?
Hmmmmmm…… (long pause).
To the guys out there who are in a relationship or are contemplating getting into a relationship with a working lady. I will tell you that it is not an easy journey. It truly takes relationship skills that are at the level of art form. That I did not have at the time.
Be able to talk about things with her. Create a safe space for her where she can share. Provide a space where she does not have to feel like she has to hide things or lie. If you want honesty, create a place that encourages it. That will not happen on its own, and especially not if you make her wrong or feel dirty or inadequate.
If you are insecure about something nip it in the bud and talk about it, but not at the end of a 12-hour shift when she is physically and emotionally exhausted. That is when she needs you to hold her hand and offer her a shoulder for her to sleep on. Choose your time wisely. Respect her needs and boundaries. Give what she needs and you will receive what you need by default. That is really hard to do. But it is what it takes to have an honest and open relationship with a working lady.
Most importantly, be there for her. Her job is physically tiring and emotionally crippling at times. Make home a safe place to come back to. If she talks and needs to talk just listen. Just smile, and just give her a hug and say its ok baby. It is that simple. Every woman in every profession wants that.
And to working ladies. Know that it is an incredibly difficult reality to adapt to based on everything that most beliefs that men are brought up with. He is going to find it hard to express thing at times. He will not know how to communicate most of the time. He may be hurting. And know that when we act out it is from a place of their caring for you. I know that it is expressed in the most ugly ways at times. But please understand that most men are not comfortable with communication.
We need to be held and made to feel like the only one more than you realise. And we need to be told over and over again. That’s with the good and the bad things. Help us through the adaptation if we need it.
Yoda thank you so much for you honesty and opening up yourself to your vulnerabilities.
It is my pleasure. I really want to get my message out there so less people go through what I went through. And what I put my ex girlfriend through. I have so much more to share. But think this is all we have the space for today.
If you are open to it, I’d love to carry on this interview another time as I have many questions left to ask. Like money, and other logistical aspects to sharing a life with a sex worker.
Absolutely. It would be an honour.
Thanks again for what you have provided for the readers today.
You’re most welcome.
