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What are the funniest things you have heard from someone? ie: sledges, comments etc

P

Peter

:notworthy From a WL's some years back: " Had this punter last night who want to wear my dress, couldn't tell the fat bastard it would've been like trying to get a standard condom on an elephant!" I still get tears in the eyes thinking about it.

As a Cricket Umpire doing a schoolboy game, after many swings and misses at the ball by the batter, Captain of fielding side walks up to him and casually says "Geez Mate!! I've seen better strokes in the dorm at night!"

:eek:ccasion14:eek:ccasion14:eek:ccasion14:eek:ccasion14:violent5::laughing4:laughing4:laughing4:laughing4:laughing4:laughing4:laughing4:laughing4
 
Fudd

Fudd

Full Member
Foundation Member
Points
5
This one goes back quite a number of years.

A British Airways pilot was having difficulties in identifying the correct glide path to land his plane at Frankfurt airport. He was constantly asking for information from air traffic control.

After a while, the frustrated air traffic controller said, "As an experienced pilot, surely you should know how to land your plane. Have you never been into Frankfurt before?"

To which the pilot responded, "Yes I have, twice in 1944, but I never landed".

Fudd
 
F

Farm Boy

Federal Poleys refining to Laurie Oakes as Jabba The Hut , cutting and getting a bit of there own back.
 
F

Farm Boy

Fudd said:
This one goes back quite a number of years.

A British Airways pilot was having difficulties in identifying the correct glide path to land his plane at Frankfurt airport. He was constantly asking for information from air traffic control.

After a while, the frustrated air traffic controller said, "As an experienced pilot, surely you should know how to land your plane. Have you never been into Frankfurt before?"

To which the pilot responded, "Yes I have, twice in 1944, but I never landed".

Fudd
Click to expand...

It was dark and I did not land
 
Happy2

Happy2

Legend Member
Points
22
Terry Alderman in a county cricket game Was bowling to a batsman who had swung and missed several times He said to the batsman if I bowled you a piano do you think you could play that
 
P

Peter

As an Umpire I have heard many funny and not so funny things on the field, but Country week cricket has provided some absolute gems, :: Merridan v Bunbury Frustrated fast bowler yells at (M)#1- a kiwi batsman," get behind the bloody ball so you can at least get an edge on the f@#king ball!" Quick as a rat up a drainpipe his partner says " bowl him a sheep, then he'll get behind it!"
 
P

Peter

pause78 said:
"How's your wife and my kids?" :D
Click to expand...

Actually heard said to a local judge here in Perth upon handing down a custodial sentence. lol:notworthy:notworthy:notworthy:eek:ccasion14:eek:ccasion14:eek:ccasion14:eek:ccasion14
 
Happy2

Happy2

Legend Member
Points
22
Peter said:
Actually heard said to a local judge here in Perth upon handing down a custodial sentence. lol:notworthy:notworthy:notworthy:eek:ccasion14:eek:ccasion14:eek:ccasion14:eek:ccasion14
Click to expand...

Must have been a cricket fan Peter Because that byplay was between Marsh and Botham
Marsh to Botham Hows your wife and my Kids?
Botham replied The wifes fine the kids are retarded
 
P

Peter

happy2 said:
Must have been a cricket fan Peter Because that byplay was between Marsh and Botham
Marsh to Botham Hows your wife and my Kids?
Botham replied The wifes fine the kids are retarded
Click to expand...

He was I believe he still watches the test matches from his cell!! :eek:ccasion14:eek:ccasion14:laughing4:laughing4

And I remember that dialogue too, I had the pleasure of bowling to Ian Botham on several occasions while he was in QLD. He always uses it as an opener!!!:eek:ccasion14:eek:ccasion14
 
P

Peter

Ian Healy dropped a clanger as well to Ranatunga (Sri Lanka), when before facing a ball asked for a runner and Healy forgeting about the mikes Says " You don't get a runner for being a fat lazy c@#T", millions heard it world wide>
 
L

Langtrees VIP Perth 2

Well, sorry guys...I'm not really up on my cricket dialogue history...I've always struggled in that subject...

But, I was at work last week when a rather intoxicated client approached me and asked "are you one of those 'Nemo' people...?" I replied "Nemo...is a fish...do you mean 'Emo'...?"

He didn't see the funny side of his ridiculous question however and clearly resented the laughter surrounding him at that moment...
By the way I am not an Emo or a Goth! I just bloody like wearing black! And our dress requirement behind the counter at Langtrees is that we need to wear black, and the W/L are not permitted to wear black, this is supposed to make it easier to distinguish between the reception/management and the W/L....I think it's a lot easier than that... the one's behind the counter are clearly just too bloody old to be W/L!!! Lol!

Lisa xxx
 
L

Langtrees VIP Perth 2

Another one that always cracks me up when I think about it...
One of my friends from over east called me for a catch up a few years ago...
She was so excited to have finally met a guy that she found attractive, intelligent, good job, good prospects, blah, blah...
I said "I'm so glad that you seem to have found the world's first perfect man!"
She replied with a awkward silence...
So I asked "What's up...? Not quite so perfect...?"
She said that he was everything she had ever wanted, except in the bedroom, where he apparently had absolutely no idea...
Trying to restore her former happy mood, I told her that I'm sure she could teach him the finer skills over a relatively short time and it might be a bit of fun!
She said that she thought he was past being taught...
I asked her why she thought it was so hopeless (thinking maybe there was a medical condition or something?) She explained that they were in bed the previous day and she was at the point where her level of frustration was over-weighing her level of understanding...she burst out with "Jesus, do you even know what a clitoris is...?!?
He apparently looked at her in complete disgust and answered..."I am NOT into anal sex!"
I was dumbfounded...however immediately agreed that the man was clearly beyond any form of help...

Still years later...every time I speak to her, I ask how her ass-clit is going?

Lol!
Lisa xxx
 
W

WRXXXR

Crickets the best for sledging but one of the greatest things I heard was Jim Richards address to the Bathurst crowd in 92 when the nissan GTR cemented it's place in Australian folklore.

In front of a large, booing crowd and on tv his speech was "I'm just really stunned for words, I can't believe the reception. I thought Australian race fans had a lot more to go than this, this is bloody disgraceful. I'll keep racing but I tell you what this is going to remain with me for a long time. You're all a pack of arseholes". He was so angry lol.

At targa Tasmania I tried to get him to sign a poster with "your all a pack of arseholes" but he wasn't impressed.
 
P

Peter

Lisa The Receptionist said:
Another one that always cracks me up when I think about it...
One of my friends from over east called me for a catch up a few years ago...
She was so excited to have finally met a guy that she found attractive, intelligent, good job, good prospects, blah, blah...
I said "I'm so glad that you seem to have found the world's first perfect man!"
She replied with a awkward silence...
So I asked "What's up...? Not quite so perfect...?"
She said that he was everything she had ever wanted, except in the bedroom, where he apparently had absolutely no idea...
Trying to restore her former happy mood, I told her that I'm sure she could teach him the finer skills over a relatively short time and it might be a bit of fun!
She said that she thought he was past being taught...
I asked her why she thought it was so hopeless (thinking maybe there was a medical condition or something?) She explained that they were in bed the previous day and she was at the point where her level of frustration was over-weighing her level of understanding...she burst out with "Jesus, do you even know what a clitoris is...?!?
He apparently looked at her in complete disgust and answered..."I am NOT into anal sex!"
I was dumbfounded...however immediately agreed that the man was clearly beyond any form of help...

Still years later...every time I speak to her, I ask how her ass-clit is going?

Lol!
Lisa xxx
Click to expand...

:eek:ccasion14:eek:ccasion14:laughing4:laughing4:la::la::notworthy:notworthy now I have dried the tears from my eyes, I can type this response, lol psml csfl msah:la::la::icon_blow:icon_blow:icon_blow:eek:ccasion14:eek:ccasion14
 
S

STEPHMAC

Roy & H.G. used always talk about Ian Roberts on Sydney radio and and his Extra Hard Double choc bar they said once' It now comes In bodyline style'.Ian Roberts wasn't 'out' then and I doubt many people would have known about the body-line they were talking about, which was an up-market sauna on oxford st."p.s. Ian Roberts was an NRL player".
Also had a workmate from Dalby,say to ' Get us a beer bloke I'm as dry as a nun's nasty'.
Which was a comment Id never heard(Sheltered upbringing).
 
Happy2

Happy2

Legend Member
Points
22
STEPHMAC said:
Roy & H.G. used always talk about Ian Roberts on Sydney radio and and his Extra Hard Double choc bar they said once' It now comes In bodyline style'.Ian Roberts wasn't 'out' then and I doubt many people would have known about the body-line they were talking about, which was an up-market sauna on oxford st."p.s. Ian Roberts was an NRL player".
Also had a workmate from Dalby,say to ' Get us a beer bloke I'm as dry as a nun's nasty'.
Which was a comment Id never heard(Sheltered upbringing).
Click to expand...

Must admit I hadn't heard the nun one either STEPHMAC More used
to the old Aussie original Dry as a dead dogs dick Referring to the old dingo bounty of days gone by
 
Happy2

Happy2

Legend Member
Points
22
A local up here who used to play with Mainy in the GNFL Said in one of Mainys first games he was put onto the giggler Doug Hawkins on a wing He ran up to him hand extended Only for Hawkins to say Dont worry shakin hands Just run along back to the bench Save the coach dragging you Your just not good enough to play on me. He said I just stood there hand still outstretched him running away laughing his head off 30 seconds later the balls landed at my feet but Dougie grabbed it ran into goal,scored He then made a beeline for me just to say Look over there mate the runners coming Bet he has word for you
 
P

Peter

You know why Nun's always walk around in pairs? So 1 nun can make sure the other nun don't get none!!
 
P

Peter

Did you hear about the dyslexic Madam?

She bought a warehouse!

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?

He sold his soul to Santa!

What did God say after creating man?

I must be able to do better than that!

When does a woman enjoy a man's company?

When she owns it!

What are a woman's 4 favorite animals?

A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a Tiger in the bedroom and a Jackass that will pay for it all!!

What's the difference between Jewish women and Catholic women?

Catholic women have fake jewellery and real orgasm's!
 
Happy2

Happy2

Legend Member
Points
22
Back in the late 90's?
Brian Lara was playing in that fundraiser and was bowled by the Aussie lady cricketer from WA Zoe Goss
About three weeks later in a test match Lara was unavailable to play So one of the crowd put up a banner which said
"You could have played Brian Zoe's not bowling this match

My fave is one I heard my Uncle use
I assume it's an Goldie oldie but it's a fave of his
In Perth recently my Uncle (who is 94) opened the door for a young woman who had two hands full of shopping
He got a filthy look and a comment along the lines of I don't need help from you thanks very much I am more than capable of opening a door
And proceeded to go through said open door
Uncle replied
" I did not open the door because you are a lady
I opened the door because I am a gentleman"
Again it maybe a oldie but it made my day
 
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Channelle

Channelle

Legend Member
Points
454
Never forgotten this line, when girls get a bit worried about not being as slim as they think they should be.
Years ago watching TV with the media always unkindly referring to Prince Andrew and Fergie, "the Duchess of Pork".
An elderly friend replied:
"Ah, you know what they say, ya can't bang a 6 inch nail into plywood".
 
westy

westy

Mouse chasing Pussy
Diamond Member
Points
0
Not all old thread revivals are a waste of ether space. Got a few chuckles from this lot. Keep them coming.
 
westy

westy

Mouse chasing Pussy
Diamond Member
Points
0
Viv Richards & Greg Thomas.
In a county match in England, Thomas was bowling to Richards and getting a few to whizz past the bat. After Richards played and missed another one, Thomas said: "It's red, it's round. Now fucken hit it!". This obviously angered Richards who proceeded to hit the next ball out of the ground. Richards: "You know what it looks like now go and get it."
 
Amanda Secrets

Amanda Secrets

Diamond Member
Points
0
I heard/ saw this on TV years ago - Parkinson interviewing Phyllis Diller
PARKY - so you've had a few face lifts?
Diller - laughing - yes now if I want an orgasm I just do this - rubbing her chin vigorously!!
Brought the house down and wasnt edited out!!
 
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