Very Confused

[Mrs Langtrees]

I was sent this letter on talking sex and thought forum members might be able to help with some answers.Mary-Anne
Hello all I would like to say I am VERY excited about this site...seems like a good exchange between a lot of *experienced* individuals.

Here is our situation. I am in a long term relationship with a wonderful woman. From the jump our relationship has been great and very sexual. Since we first dated I'd ask her questions about "lifestyle" issues to sorta gauge our compatability - one of her responses being that if anything she would participate in a MFM. Now we both have been involved in swinging to some degree in the past (her soft swap ; myself full swap). But here is the kicker ...she hasn't ever opened up about it directly to me.

I found out through a reliable mutual friend about her past experiences...and was quite relieved that we at least had similar experiences. But anytime the topic comes up she comes just shy of what seems to be opening up and sorta clams up again.

At anyrate, we recently began discussing female fantasies and she FINALLY opened up that she fantasizes about MFM - yet still isn't able to "see herself" having sex with someone else...though she hasn't opened up about her own past experiences. Since then I've told her more about my own experiences hoping that maybe that would help her become more comfortable and not feel that I'd be judgemental about her. As we discussed my experiences, she said she felt that due to my experience that a sexually monogamous relationship with her "couldn't compete". I've assured her that the two are apples and oranges (and that I honestly believe)...one being more physical and the other emotional, and that in a relationship you can have monogamy and have a *great* relationship and equally with swinging you can have that same *great* relationship - and the added dynamic of more loosely constructed "physical" lusting desires. She seems to be opening up more (has even went so far as sordidly describing her fantasy to have another man "fuck her mouth" while we have sex) - but still seems a bit uneasy about discussing it at times.

Any suggestions? I'm open to comments from men, women, couples who have advice on this subject. I truly think in our relationship we are learning to open up more and more - I just want to enable her to open up and feel comfortable so that we can both truly begin exploring honestly and without feelings of fear of judgement in our relationship.

 

[DANNY]

take it one step at a time slow but sure sounding her feelings and thoughts out in fantasy then maybe she in the right mood and moment may act out but never harp on about things on a regular bases been there and worked it out to a great night for both of us

 

[Guest]

Hi...In regards to your situation I would like to throw in my '2 cents worth'...I have been with the same partner for 25 years come next March and whilst my circumstances are probably different from where you are coming from they might help piece the puzzle together and that is what you have to do...piece things together at her pace and then all will be reveiled. You dont say how long you have been together so maybe there is a time factor here...she might think you are great and even though you have told her about your past she might not at this very moment feel it is right to do the same back to you...she no doubt has a prior life and the circumstances of it might still be something that she is coming to terms with in regards to aspects of it. I know that I have been bought out os my shell by my partner but that has taken along time and is still happening today so it is always an ongoing process. My advice is dont smother her with questions (which no doubt you dont) and let her establish her personal relationship with you.. Dont rush, be patient want to know her for all her aspects that she brings into the relationship and believe me when all the "i's" have been dotted and the "t's" crossed not only will your relationship grow but you will grow as well

flying high

 

[clems44]

Hello Very Confused
I don't think your issue is uncommon. I think that we are conditioned to respond in certain ways and swinging - for most people - is very much out of the 'norm'. The very fact that we girls even fantasise about having 2 or more guys at once can sometimes make us feel bad about ourselves and often during our formative years comments like 'slut' and 'whore' - although meant perhaps in jest - were always words that we were all too prepared to take on board. It is sometimes hard to believe that we can have a loving intimate relationship and still feel the desire for a more raw and naughty experience. My guess is that her fear is more about how she thinks you will think about her once she does 'the deed'. In my experience the first time is the hardest and depending on the reaction that she receives from you will determine whether she will be able to continue in that lifestyle with you. It is often easier to get down and dirty without someone we care about because we don't really care about the consequences. She has a lot at stake - her relationship and how you will think about her. If it is cool with you and turns you on - share with her how you would see it happening and get her juices running - go out and take her somewhere romantic and when you get home surprise her with a couple of horny guys who will fulfil her fantasy as you tell her how much she means to you and how hot it makes you feel. If she has expressed what she wants - maybe she is leaving it up to you to create her fantasy for her. Good luck

 

[kitty's desires]

I have been very happily married for 10 1/2 years and it has been an open marriage for the last 2 years and was discussed for probably 2 years before we acted on it! Without know exactly how long term your relationship is it's hard to say for certain, but I will give my thoughts here.
In my own opinion (and that is all I can give) is it sounds like a trust issue as to why she a) doesn't want to discuss the possibility of making her fantasy a reality, and b) perhaps her past experience with swinging has left a bad taste in her mouth (lol not literally). Perhaps watch some MFM porn together? This may get her to open up more about what she actually wants. And when you know what she wants, you could try to organize her fantasy as a "gift" to her, making sure you tell her how much it turns you on, how sexy and wonderful she is (everyone likes to hear this!) and to make sure she understands how much you care about her.
So many people do not understand how an open relationship can work...that we are unfaithful, we don't love each other, we are corrupting our children...and the list goes on! But I have to say this...we are discret with other people and the kids have no idea that mum and dad's "friends" are anything more than that (we do not have playmates visit with the kids at home). Secondly, for us it has brought us closer and made us stronger. We can seperate sex and emotion and I think this is essential in an open relationship. It has allowed us (ok well mostly me) to participate in fantasies/kinks ect that the other isn't interested in. For me I do not want hubby to do anything he doesn't want to do just for me, so I get it elsewhere.
Heck after writting all this I don't even know if this helps you much at all! But I will agree on the other's advice...don't keep pushing too hard to get out of her the information you want...if you do it could push her away further. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Kitty
xxx

 

[marstafit1]

Hi Very Confused - with people in that situation i usually talk about keeping it safe and letting them feel comfortable. So she could be hanging on your arm as you have a M there and the convo could be about what you're talking about.

Just let her know she can go at whatever pace or go to whatever stage she wants and its all ok.

 

[alluneedisluvnsex]

Most people have a belief that sex is love and if you go out of the boundaries then you are breaking that trust and you "don't love me you want other people". In actual fact sex can be senbsational between 2 people that love each other, but sex with others is in a way entertainment. It should never be taken serius and should be used like going to a movie, having a ride on a ammusement park. It is free, it does not hurt anyone providing you both agree and above all it is exciting and pure fun.