Unequal Sexual Desire

[free_eagle]

Hi all. I saw this the other week in a blog on a news site and could relate to it a fair bit. I was wondering what others thought considering the different responses from women.

Sex therapist rejects excuses

Sex therapist Bettina Arndt is everywhere at the moment, explaining the basis for a new book she has written.

She’s come up with a premise that the unequal sexual desire between partners is the cause of a great deal of angst. To put it simply, too many women just can’t be bothered with sex, leaving their men in an unfulfilled torment of desire.

Men, therefore, are nightly suffering cruel rejection, which is breaking their little hearts.

Of course, the opposite is true too – some women are left unfulfilled by disinterested partners – but in the main, it’s a woman-caused problem.

And how should this little problem be dealt with? Well, says Ms Arndt in an echo of that well-known advertisement, these women should just do it.

After all, she says, once the canoe is put into the water, it might just turn out all right for everyone.

She has interviewed a great many couples to reach this conclusion.

She’s heard all the excuses: too tired, the kids might wake up, I have to get up early in the morning. And none of them, she thinks, are good enough.

There comes a point in a relationship where the reluctant partner simply has to give in, and do it, on the basis that they may well surprise themselves by getting into the spirit as well.

Can be found at
blogs.thewest.com.au Blog Archive PAM CASELLAS - Sex therapist rejects excuses

 

[Mary Anne PA]

I always give things a shot even if Im not interested.

Ive never once turned down my husband in 8 years, and never will. If hes really keen and Im not Ill offer a bj,hj or even just some boobs to play with.;-p

At the worst Ill say "lets put a 'movie' on and illl cuddle you while you sort yourself out"

My last relationship ended as my partner was very uninterested in sex, and I felt both physically and emotionally detached from him.
I dont want to be that way.

 

[Tyla Chris]

Hi

This is the phenomenon called desire discrepancy. There are actually a lot of books on it out there (my friend is a uni student and has some interesting books lol).

But is this sex therapist trying to say that women (or men) should have sex with their partner purely because, well they just should? Desire discrepancy isn't always a case of low sex drive in one partner. It could be a number of reasons.

 

[svengali]

Hmm!! It would be a nice world if all relationship problems could be solved so easily. Seriously, this one-size-fits-all approach is laughable. There are as many answers to this question as there are couples affected. Unless there is a really serious discrepancy in libidos it is probably best sorted out by a little old-fashioned give and take.

 

[mrmister]

Physically its much easier for the female in the relationship to "oblige" in such a way. As for a man, its relatively more difficult to feign interest and an erection.

 

[abc85]

I'm having this problem with my missus, she feels that libido is down (mine you she is only 24!). Always tired/stressed or not in the mood and I hate "asking"!

 

[Minxxy]

You know I always found it funny when my ex-girlfriend sometimes wasnt in the mood, but I would find if I was nice to her and gave her a foot or back massage that slowly (slowly!) turned into something more, she would be hot to go...

I think if you wake your wife up with a nudge and tell her you want a blow job, youre not likely to get a good response...

My attitude with women has always been that theyre like ovens in that they need pre-heating

 

[xciteable]

I am a bit like sexy celeste, I can't remember every having turned my partner down, as I remember an experience when I was horny as hell, and my then partner was sooo drunk he couldn't perform, it was terrible. The thing is, even if I'm not totally in the mood, the thought of them being horny eventually gets me excited and wanting to play.
Thankfully I've never been in a relationship where our sex drives were too far apart, and it's always worked out pretty cool. I would hate to be wanting it, and being turned down (in a relationship)...that would not be fun at all and I know I would be out of there eventually.

 

[pwayne1963]

Some people have understanding partners, others don't.

I have been married for 26 years and haven't had sex with my wife for 10 or so. We sleep in separate rooms as she is just not interested in sex at all and flat out refuses to help me get any satisfaction (hence I masturbate an awful lot).

Our libidos never matched from day 1, but it's something I have tried to accept to have her in my life and keep our family (3 kids 10-16 yrs) together. Trying to talk it about it has been a dead-end as she says she's just not interested any more and I can accept it or leave! There is no real physical contact of any kind between us now.

I've had 2 brief affairs in that 10 years with co-workers who were wonderful people and helped ease that ache for physical closeness that I feel every day.

 

[swingingstories]

Hi pwayne1963,

What a sad letter. I think it's fair to say in most relationships there will be times when one of the couple is not in the mood when the other one is. But for you to not have had sex with your wife for 10 years is a sign of a much bigger issue than just mismatched libidos. Not even sleeping in the same bed? Sleeping in the same bed with another person is not just about sex, it's an intimacy, a sharing, when you lay there at night just before sleep and talk about little things in your day or watch TV together, or make funny jokes and laugh together.

I admire your reasoning on staying together for the children, but just to play devil's advocate here, do you think you are projecting an atmosphere of contentment and happiness to your kids. Do you want the subliminal message they learn growing up to be hang on for dear life at all costs? Are you being the best Dad you could be, and your wife being the best Mum she could be if you both are miserable?

I may be reading too much into this, maybe you aren't miserable, maybe your marriage if fabulous and fantastic in every other way, after all you were together for 10 years before you had children, so you must love each other. Maybe she has undiagnosed Post-natal depression (yes it can go on for years). Perhaps approaching her from the angle of improving your marriage (leave out sex altogether) suggest some couples therapy. Surely she doesn't just want you to leave.

In fact, if she is withdrawing sex in order to force you to leave an unhappy situation, then that is very evil, because that would just make you look like the bad guy. At least if you suggest that you get some counselling then you can say you tried everything to make it work.

My heart goes out to you.

Love
swingingstories

 

[pwayne1963]

Food for thought...

Thanks.

 

[raryangolf]

I'm having this problem with my missus, she feels that libido is down (mine you she is only 24!). Always tired/stressed or not in the mood and I hate "asking"!

Hi
Don’t make your self upset because it’s a common situation. Drugs can also help for improve sexual health. There can be erection problem with you. I think you need to consult to a physician for getting a better treatment to get over from this condition.


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[bushseeker]

my mate confided with me today-he has been married about a year and to daten he has gone at least the last 3 onths without sex - they are in there early 30s
you would seriosly have to wonder if she wants the relation ship to succeed or weather she was more intretested in a cash payout and fat child support

 

[nicos]

I has such an issue with my first wife. She would turn down any of my sexual initiatives. It started after several years. She would say that she felt desire for me when we weren’t together but not in my presence. The wrong guy at the wrong place issue ;-)
I knew she would talk a lot about that with her shrink. He probably advised her to make some efforts because and, well, she did make some efforts… She would still turn down my invitations but would invite me for sex.
It was boring like hell so I turned down her efforts as well.
Eventually I got a divorce for many other reasons too.

The funny side of it is that we gave it some thought. What was the kind of sexual issue at stake? Any trauma in her childhood? Anything wrong with my sexual drives?
I eventually discovered it had nothing to do with sex at all.
She became increasingly narcissistic and would gradually be more and more in the “I do only what I decide to do” mood and, well, sex is about sharing… anyway that was how I looked at it all my life;-).
My second wife was always very horny so we had a great time in bed… and everywhere as well. OTOH my first wife never found a guy. Hahaha…

Nick