T
Tania Admin
So today I found out that my mother died last August. It's been a roller coaster of emotions.
Those who know my history know I had a very nightmare childhood.
I was an A grade student and not a problem child. We never went anywhere, not camping, not on walks, not to the park, not to the pool,, absolutely nowhere with mum. I would hide in books and studying so I wouldn't be mentally there.
She would go away for nights/weekends and I would look after xxxx and then xxxxx as well once he was born. I was under nourished, beaten severely and regularly (the leather plaited dog lead being one of her favourites), molested, made to feel worthless, took care of my brother and then my baby brother when he was born and pretty much lived in hell.
I left at 13 and was made to go back by the courts and then left at 14 when welfare removed me from mum's care after reports from neighbours and mums friends (why they didn't remove my brothers I can't understand). I was put into short term foster care as long term was hard to get for teenagers. And I was a good teenager, I wasn't out of home for fault of my own. I ended up travelling across the country and getting a job and getting my own place as the short term places were a max of 3 months and then a group home I went to was another nightmare in the making.
Even then the torment didn't stop. I'd buy and send gifts to my brothers and money to her and she would call me telling me she wanted better or more. Nothing was good enough. My brother xxxx was finally out of her care at 14, when he had finger mark bruising on his neck from her trying to strangle him. I still sent money and gifts for my little brother. Then one year I sent her a gift instead of money (it was a facial steamer) and she rang me telling me how useless I was and how my brother hated me because she had told him lies about me.
I still kept in contact. I paid her storage bill for her when she moved from a large house to a unit (while she waited for another house to come up). The deal was I would be given my photos from when I was little, my christening gown, my TinTin collection my Dad xxxx had given me and my stamp and coin collection my grandfather had given me. When I refused to pay more of the bill she laughed at me and told me it had been an expensive mistake and I would not get my things. I was devastated. I still kept in touch though. And still she was awful to me,,telling me I was disgusting for letting my abuser touch me,,,I was 6 the 1st person and 8 or 9 the second. Yet I still stayed in touch on and off.
Then this morning I found out she passed on the 13th of August last year. I am upset my brother did not tell me.
I am also upset because I have been trying to extract one happy, kind, loving memory of her. There are none. She never told me she loved me, she never hugged me, she never talked to me about things, never educated me about being female, she never complimented me, there are no memories of her that make me smile or laugh or where she made me smile or laugh.
One of the last times I spoke with her she told me she was going to record all of the bad things from her life so I could have that if she passed before me. I asked her to not. I told her that I wanted happiness.
There are so many more horrible things that went on in that house from hell nightmare I lived. Things people find difficult to believe.
I am sad that she stole my childhood and now as an adult finding out months later (yes I'm angry at my brother for not telling me)she's passed I'm sad that I can't grieve for a parent who nurtured and protected me.
All I can grieve for is the parent I never had.
Those who know my history know I had a very nightmare childhood.
I was an A grade student and not a problem child. We never went anywhere, not camping, not on walks, not to the park, not to the pool,, absolutely nowhere with mum. I would hide in books and studying so I wouldn't be mentally there.
She would go away for nights/weekends and I would look after xxxx and then xxxxx as well once he was born. I was under nourished, beaten severely and regularly (the leather plaited dog lead being one of her favourites), molested, made to feel worthless, took care of my brother and then my baby brother when he was born and pretty much lived in hell.
I left at 13 and was made to go back by the courts and then left at 14 when welfare removed me from mum's care after reports from neighbours and mums friends (why they didn't remove my brothers I can't understand). I was put into short term foster care as long term was hard to get for teenagers. And I was a good teenager, I wasn't out of home for fault of my own. I ended up travelling across the country and getting a job and getting my own place as the short term places were a max of 3 months and then a group home I went to was another nightmare in the making.
Even then the torment didn't stop. I'd buy and send gifts to my brothers and money to her and she would call me telling me she wanted better or more. Nothing was good enough. My brother xxxx was finally out of her care at 14, when he had finger mark bruising on his neck from her trying to strangle him. I still sent money and gifts for my little brother. Then one year I sent her a gift instead of money (it was a facial steamer) and she rang me telling me how useless I was and how my brother hated me because she had told him lies about me.
I still kept in contact. I paid her storage bill for her when she moved from a large house to a unit (while she waited for another house to come up). The deal was I would be given my photos from when I was little, my christening gown, my TinTin collection my Dad xxxx had given me and my stamp and coin collection my grandfather had given me. When I refused to pay more of the bill she laughed at me and told me it had been an expensive mistake and I would not get my things. I was devastated. I still kept in touch though. And still she was awful to me,,telling me I was disgusting for letting my abuser touch me,,,I was 6 the 1st person and 8 or 9 the second. Yet I still stayed in touch on and off.
Then this morning I found out she passed on the 13th of August last year. I am upset my brother did not tell me.
I am also upset because I have been trying to extract one happy, kind, loving memory of her. There are none. She never told me she loved me, she never hugged me, she never talked to me about things, never educated me about being female, she never complimented me, there are no memories of her that make me smile or laugh or where she made me smile or laugh.
One of the last times I spoke with her she told me she was going to record all of the bad things from her life so I could have that if she passed before me. I asked her to not. I told her that I wanted happiness.
There are so many more horrible things that went on in that house from hell nightmare I lived. Things people find difficult to believe.
I am sad that she stole my childhood and now as an adult finding out months later (yes I'm angry at my brother for not telling me)she's passed I'm sad that I can't grieve for a parent who nurtured and protected me.
All I can grieve for is the parent I never had.
