I'm the lady in question. I'm so sorry for making you uncomfortable, that really wasn't my intention although I can completely understand that it's hard for this situation not to be awkward. I really appreciate that you took the time to answer my questions. Given the circumstances you were really kind and compassionate towards me.
As for how could I not know: Honestly, I've asked myself the same question on repeat.... how could I not know?
This is a long boring post so I'll put my questions at the top. Read the rest if you are interested but otherwise, if you are willing, I'd love some answers/insight on these questions:
1) Does anyone have any personal insight that they are willing to share regarding sex addition and why partnered men see prostitutes?
2) The most obvious question... why on earth stay with a woman when you want to have sex with other women? Why not just leave? Simple, no lies, no betrayal.
3) My partner tells me he's always thought I am beautiful but totally lost all sexual desire for me after we started going out. He's not sure (or won't say) why. Why stay with someone you don't fancy??
If the situation were reversed, I'd talk to him about any issues that I struggled with (weight gain, not enough attention/time etc.) &/or leave if we couldn't remedy the situation. I like sex, a partner without sex is just a friend. That said, when I fell in love with him, I came to love him physically in a way I wouldn't have before we were together... love wears rose tinted glasses but if it just wasn't working and couldn't be 'fixed', I would not accept a sexless life. As a side note, since his secret came out and he's gained the confidence to ask for what he wants in bed, he seems to be really hot for me again, which I am confused by and not sure whether or not I should believe it, or if it's all 'an act' to have me stay with him. I'm no beauty so I can understand that I just might not be his 'thing', however he now insists that he finds me gorgeous, can't believe how stupid he was, how illogical he was, etc etc. It all feels a bit too 'good to be true'. He's telling me what I want to hear and I don't trust it.
As for how I could have not noticed... It's really embarrassing to admit that I truly had no idea, I thought I was the one with the higher sex drive in this couple and that I just needed to accept that his libido didn't match mine. As it turns out, he would wait for me to sleep/leave and masturbate to porn or head out to see a prostitute/massage parlour lady. He had apparently been doing this since he was 18, he's now 29. No one knew. In an effort not to be insensitive, I accepted all of the 'probable' excuses.... tiredness, sleep pattern mismatch (I work 60-90hr weeks, mainly nights and weekends) etc.
He comes from an incredibly prudish family, I grew up with naked hippies who openly discuss sex. He turned down even 'vanilla' sex.... sex on furniture, sex outside, sex toys, light bondage, erotic massage etc. He was a real missionary man. I just figured he was shy and had more conservative tastes, which should be respected. After all, I wouldn't be keen on anyone pushing me into things I wasn't comfortable with if I said 'no'.
He seemed like an otherwise amazing partner, we'd been friends for years before getting together and I loved him. I would ask about fantasies etc... trying to spark things up but he was too embarrassed. I told him that short of kids/animals/illegal and harmful acts, he'd have a rough time shocking me and I'd not judge him for his tastes, even if I wasn't keen on the same things. I told him my fantasies, which he did seem to find hot but was never keen to try out.
I have been practically begging this man for sex.... he didn't initiate much and I work weird hours so I'd come home, wake him up with a BJ and see if he was keen to take things further. Wow, I cringe now to think how much I gave to him and how foolish I must have looked through his eyes.
I can't tell you why I didn't know, only that..... I didn't. However ineffectually, I was genuinely trying to be a caring, sensitive and giving partner (sexually and otherwise). I failed. It also turns out that he is a great liar.
I discovered part of the truth by accident and investigated to find out the rest. He has continually lied and then admitted to things once presented with evidence. He has also hidden severe self esteem issues and depression. Has been seeing prostitutes, visiting massage parlours, fling/dating sites, stalking girls on facebook.... a never ending list it would seem. Our psychologist is the one who called him a sex addict and passed us a bunch of books to read on the topic. Interesting reading and terrifying too.
If we did not have a child together, I'd have walked out that first day. I can't say I'm keen on being with anyone who does not 100% wish to be with me and only me. However, we have a baby and that changes everything, it's not really about me anymore. My partner insists he loves me and that we have to stay together so, if at all possible, I'd like to try and heal our relationship and give our son the loving, two parent home he deserves. That said, before I can decide whether or not this relationship is worth salvaging, I need to understand.... Hence my visit yesterday. Call it a research trip :}
I came in to chat to you (thank you again) to try and understand what happens, what he might be getting elsewhere that he doesn't get at home... what is involved in seeing a prostitute, what goes on.. where our relationship might need work. I know very little of prostitution and it seems I might need a crash course. Of course, he should be sharing all of this with me but given the history of lies, I don't feel I can tell lies from truth anymore. I wanted a more reliable source of information.
My partner insists that it's been his own insecurities causing the problems, him being too embarrassed to try the things he wants to and feeling 'powerful' when with a working girl because he sees them as a being from a 'lower' socioeconomic echelon. I'm flumoxed by his lack of self esteem and the latent misogynistic and frankly backwards way in which he views women. Apparently there are 'girls you f**k' and 'girls you love'. Our psychologist tells me it's all about 'power' and that he judges others harshly in order to make himself feel better about what he sees as his own shortcomings. My partner tells me he's always been incredibly embarrassed by himself, feels the need for ALL other women to find him sexually attractive and that he generally feels my colleagues and friends are smarter than him and that he doesn't match up. That I must want to be with the men I work and train with (I do a lot of sport) rather than him. Of course, if that were the case, I simply wouldn't be with him, I've not 'settled'. Maybe he's lying to make me feel better, maybe he's telling the truth. I can't tell. ]
I'm also completely grossed out by how he views women. If anything (sorry guys but my opinion will not be popular here), the working girls are the superior ones in my view. These women are making a decent living off men who have to pay for sex (men who are too insecure, ugly, arrogant, lazy, time poor, socially inept or greedy etc. to find lovely, attractive women to sleep with them for free). I'd say that makes the women the superior party in these exchanges. The exception being women being abused via sexual slavery and human trafficking. He openly told me he suspects some of the establishments he visited may be using trafficked women. How can anyone directly support human slavery, let alone sexual slavery. I am struggling most severely with this... staying with anyone who has at any time believed it is appropriate to purchase a human being against their will. Purchased sex between consenting adults, no issue. Purchasing sex from women you suspect have had their right to consent removed? Akin to rape, legally grey, morally black and white in my opinion. I've made him report all of the places he suspected this might be the case. I struggle to look at him knowing there may be women who he has essentially raped (he suspected they didn't have choice, he can't claim ignorance on the technicality of not being completely sure). I struggle even more knowing he wold prefer to rape an abused woman than be with me. It's beyond horrendous to treat anyone this way.
So, here I am, in a world I never expected, visiting brothels, reading sex addiction books, seeing a psychologist as a couple and as individuals trying to understand enough to be able to make a call (stay or go) that will provide the most positive future for our son in a challenging situation. I think my decision is all but made, however I have promised myself to thoroughly investigate the situation, the 'diagnosis' of sex addiction and my own shortcomings before jumping to an emotionally driven 'snap' decision. The books on the topic recommend waiting a year before deciding. In that time, I plan to go all out to understand, improve myself and my relationship as much as possible and do the best I can to keep an open mind when currently, I'm really struggling to do that.
Personal insights would be greatly appreciated. Ultimately, my partner is an individual and I realise no one can tell me what is happening in HIS head but him. None the less, I'd like to know what generally motivates partnered men to see prostitutes and see if I gain any insights from this.
If you prefer to keep any negative views on prostitution out, I can edit it? I realise my point of view might not be popular and if the forum prefers not to express those kinds of views, I will respect that. I meant my post to be frank, not inflammatory and I am aware that this is just my own subjective opinion, right or wrong.
