PLEASE HELP new female looking 4

[Emily]

Experienced sex guidance / counselor / advice. I was thinking a mature experienced female Madame, or a mature gent. By mature I mean in years and more importantly, psychologically.

The reason I’m asking is because I have a problem that’s been bugging me for quite a while. I’ve been in a long term lesbian relationship and recently my partner suggested we should introduce a man into the mix for something new.

The thing is though, although I have fantasized about being with a man, every time an opportunity presents itself, for some reason, something clicks in my head and I can never go through with the experience. I seem to enjoy and be very good at flirting with them and arousing their interest, but as soon as they show interest, that’s when my mind clicks and I become the runaway bride. On the couple of occasions when I have been with a man, I’ve never enjoyed the experience and have found myself trying to block it out of my mind because it grossed me out so much. It was like the fantasy was great, but the real experience was terrible.

I hate it why I’m like this. I don’t fully understand it and I feel like a school girl when I do it. Upon reflection, I think, the reasons I may be like this, are, because I feel scared to go through with it, even though I have before. This may possibly be preventing me from relaxing and enjoying it. Also I tend to be shallow, so far as I am fussy about their appearance and especially hygiene. I’m also easily grossed out by their behaviour, which I find extremely confronting at times. It’s a real head f*#k for me that I can’t seem to solve. It annoys me heaps because I can see I have a problem which is preventing me from going through with the experience.

Why I thought it might be a good idea to mention it here, is because I’m guessing that some sex workers may have experienced similar feelings to me. Why I say this, is because I’m sure they don’t enjoy every sexual encounter. I’m interested to know how they go through with an experience which may not be a choice opportunity, and when they do, how do they deal with it psychologically afterwards.

Also the other thing is I pretty much find sex in general to be gross. I haven’t enjoyed sex for almost a decade and am afraid of it. I do almost anything to avoid having sex and most doctors think there’s something very wrong with me. This may well be the case, but I can’t help how I feel. Sex pretty much disgusts me and I guess being here may seem like a ridiculous idea to some people, but it could also be a good way of learning enough so I may one day be able to change. To be honest it doesn’t really bother me that I feel this way, or going without sex, but it just pisses me off having such limiting beliefs. Also, although I have a brilliant loving relationship with my partner, I would like to be able to please her. I know she’ll never leave me because of it, but still, I love her and because of this I naturally want to please her. My sex problems also effect her, but for different reasons to what I described about men. It’s more a lack of interest or something. I don’t know, what can I say, I’m a chick and confusing.

So if you think you might have something clever and worthwhile to contribute, so far as insight or advice, I would love to talk to you via PM. If you are a d*#khead looking for some cheap thrills, then please don’t waste my time, I can assure you, you won’t like my reply.

PS: Suggested advice should not include consuming alcohol or taking drugs. Not interested, inappropriate solution.

Thank you in advance.

 

[aussie_single34]

As a new member your not going to be doing too many PM's till you gte over 5 posts

So lets get some replying here so you can get to that stage

Now.. as for your issues
Seems like abit to work thru... and I don't envy your trying
I have dated "lesbians" before and know alittle about the different interactions
Some women can be with men... some only 1 man.. some not at all
Its going to be an exploratory time for you finding the right man , personality , attraction ,level of maturity etc
And you didn't stipulate but is your partner wanting to introduce a man to you , or both of your relationship together ?

Happy to discuss and help sort thru
Small bites
Eat the elephant slowly

 

[cumalot]

Hi Emily,

I have a friend who is a mature gent who works with clients who have fears or beliefs that limit them in their lives. His system is unique and is designed to quickly deal with issues such as yours. When you are able to PM then message me and I can provide links to his web site which explains the work he does in detail.

 

[antonov]

I probably can't contribute much to solving your problem, but I am puzzled why your partner would want to introduce a man into a lesbian relationship, especially if she knows you have issues in that area to start with?

At the end of the day, we all have some areas of sex that we feel comfortable with and some that we don't. I consider my self "normal" and I can accept other people's rights to enjoy BDSM for example, but there is no way I would want to try any of that, even with pills, alcohol or psychoanalysis!

 

[Emily]

Hi guys, I read something about having to make a few posts before I can reply to PM's, so here goes.

 

[Emily]

Hi aussie_single34, thanks for your reply. I understand what you wrote.

 

[Emily]

Hi Emily,

I have a friend who is a mature gent who works with clients who have fears or beliefs that limit them in their lives. His system is unique and is designed to quickly deal with issues such as yours. When you are able to PM then message me and I can provide links to his web site which explains the work he does in detail.

Hi C,

Thank you for the reply. I would very much be interested in viewing your friends website to see if it is something that might be right for me.
Please PM it to me. Only a few replies to go till I can PM.

Thank you.

 

[Emily]

Hello Antonov. Tahks for the repy. ABout why my partner would want to introduce a man into a lesbian relationship. I don;t know what I can say. She's beautiful and just wants to see me happy. Something different I guess. Just like some people like to try something they haven;t before.

 

[antonov]

But wouldn't that be like my hetero partner wanting to introduce a gay guy into the relationship to "make me happy"? Sure as hell wouldn't do it for me!!

 

[marco16]

Young man once had a beautiful girlfriend when one day she said maybe we should go and see a doctor to check your hormone levels surely there must be something wrong with your testosterone levels my previous boyfriend wanted me at least twice a day. Another individual didn’t chase girls like all his friends so his closest family reduced him to a sexual preference, if he doesn’t like women surely he must like men. Yet another’s wife kept on complaining to her side of the family that he didn’t fulfil his husbandry duties and she was unhappy because of it.
The first young man thought that perhaps he should try hormone therapy; after all shouldn’t he make his partner satisfied? But then upon reflection realized how long could he be able to put up with being medicated just to play the normal relationship. Maybe after all he is not like others and does not have the same needs. But how do you explain it without hurting the ones you love?
All the above individuals eventually chose to leave and move on so that they can live their lives as they truly inwardly are. Yes they made many very close people disappointed and unhappy. But what is the alternative when even our closest do not understand that there are more refined people. But the hardest part seems to be that if we are brave enough to live this life as we truly believe then we should be brave enough to stand alone.

Regards, M

 

[Emily]

Young man once had a beautiful girlfriend when one day she said maybe we should go and see a doctor to check your hormone levels surely there must be something wrong with your testosterone levels my previous boyfriend wanted me at least twice a day. Another individual didn’t chase girls like all his friends so his closest family reduced him to a sexual preference, if he doesn’t like women surely he must like men. Yet another’s wife kept on complaining to her side of the family that he didn’t fulfil his husbandry duties and she was unhappy because of it.
The first young man thought that perhaps he should try hormone therapy; after all shouldn’t he make his partner satisfied? But then upon reflection realized how long could he be able to put up with being medicated just to play the normal relationship. Maybe after all he is not like others and does not have the same needs. But how do you explain it without hurting the ones you love?
All the above individuals eventually chose to leave and move on so that they can live their lives as they truly inwardly are. Yes they made many very close people disappointed and unhappy. But what is the alternative when even our closest do not understand that there are more refined people. But the hardest part seems to be that if we are brave enough to live this life as we truly believe then we should be brave enough to stand alone.

Regards, M

Perhaps I don't quite understand your reply, but to me, it seems...

Nine degrees too far to the right, I'm a female and I would never leave no matter what. I could never do that, nor do I, or would I, want to, nor would she, besides, there is no need to because we share everything. I live my life exactly as I choose, right in front of her very eyes, every, single, day! I am indeed lucky because experience has shown me that this is rare! She was the one that suggested I do this, right from the start. It wasn't my idea, but I saw it as an opportunity. I am merely trying to overcome a personal barrier, so I can achieve something new. Not end a wonderful relationship between two people who view each other as lifelong partners.

I understand in the broader context what you mean when you say, "But what is the alternative when even our closest do not understand that there are more refined people". But I don't understand what you mean by a more refined person. And more refined in comparison to what, or who?

Thank you for your reply.

 

[forest]

Hey Em. I know many women friends who have lost interest in sex but I don't think any would say that sex disgusts them.... You problem could be either physical or Psychological If physical I personally would try a your doctor or nathuropath and check things like hormone and thyroid balance. Or maybe you need to see a Psychologist to sort yourself out. Either way a professional is more likely to help than someone who may well be more interested in what they can get out of you.

 

[Emily]

Hey Em. I know many women friends who have lost interest in sex but I don't think any would say that sex disgusts them.... You problem could be either physical or Psychological If physical I personally would try a your doctor or nathuropath and check things like hormone and thyroid balance. Or maybe you need to see a Psychologist to sort yourself out. Either way a professional is more likely to help than someone who may well be more interested in what they can get out of you.

Thank you Forest, I understand your view point.

 

[traveloz]

I think I would be looking for professional help rather than relying on 'friends'.

 

[Saige]

I agree Traveloz...we are all the world of wisdoms however there are sum serious issues blocking you whether it be from your past or whatever...but professional help is defiantely required here.

from his website...this guy has a great reputation......
.J. Matt Tilley
Clinical Psychologist (Registrar)
Many people experience sexual difficulties. It may be a desire for a more fulfilling sex life; or a problem that has been bothering you for a long time; or an identity issue. Whatever it is it can cause difficulties in several areas of our life. It can affect they way you see yourself, and the way you see others around you. It may even make you feel depressed or anxious. In some situations certain people may be more likely than others to experience difficulties in areas of their sex life. Think for example about people who are just starting to explore their sexuality, we know from research that they are more likely to experience feelings of inadequacy, doubt, and embarrassment. For these people and many others, feelings like these may lead to experiences of erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or even anorgasmia (the inability to have an orgasm). Fortunately there are ways to help people who experience difficulties of a sexual nature like these.

Sometimes it’s hard to identify why people experience sexual difficulties, but other times the causes are really clear, e.g. sexually transmissible infections (STIs); an on-going argument with your partner; compulsive sexual urges (sexual addiction); negative messages about sexuality; having a hard time coming to terms with your sexuality. The solutions are as varied as the problems, but often sharing a problem with a trained professional can be beneficial. If the difficulty is occurring in a relationship, we often find that part of the solution is the need for improved communication between the people involved, with the goal to improve the intimacy in the relationship.

Intimacy means different things to different people. Some people may struggle to explain it, but say that know it when it happens, or when they feel it. Often it can be demonstrated by an action that the person receiving it will enjoy, or feel shows them love. I believe we all desire intimacy with other people in one form or another. For some, an overt loving gesture is just what makes them feel great; yet other people may shy away from this expression of intimacy, and desire a more pragmatic expression of intimacy or even an expression where no fuss is made at all. It may be the quiet gesture and loving act that makes them feel loved. Whichever it is, people need to feel loved and connected to make their relationships work.

So what are sexual difficulties?
When people talk about having sexual difficulties they are often talking about totally different things. From erectile dysfunction to sexual identity and orientation issues to those that often come with intimate relationships. There are many things that fall under this heading, but generally when ever an individual is experiencing a difficulty related to their sexual self we can see it as a difficulty within the sexual aspect of their life, or being of a sexual nature. Of course this may not be the language you would use, but the meaning will no doubt be the same.

There are many things that people report more often than other times, but sexual difficulties are exactly that - times when our experience of our personal sexuality is challenged. Many authors and researchers write about this area, and below is a quote that I feel captures the sentiment of this area of human experience,

"Sexual problems are no longer regarded as symptoms of hidden psychological defects in maturity or development. Rather they are understood as perennial themes in human drama" - Sandra Leiblum (2007)
Sexual problems can affect both men and women, and often can be grouped together under headings. Below is a list of some of the most common specific sexual problems.

Lack of sexual desire
A lack of interest in sexual activity
Can affect both men and women
Many different causes


Sexual arousal problems
Not feeling aroused by or during sex
Women may experience a partial or total lack of physical response
Usually evident in men when they have a psychological cause for experiencing difficulty getting and/or maintaining an erection


Difficulty with orgasms
For some people this may mean they've never had an orgasm
Occasional difficulty reaching orgasm
Premature ejaculation and/or orgasm


Sexual pain
Dyspareunia is pain associated with sexual penetration
Can affect men, but usually reported by women
Usually reduces the individuals sexual arousal and desire, and interferes with reaching orgasm


Sexual difficulties involve many factors, such as
family of origin and early messages about sex
relationship problems or conflict
communication within relationship
physical conditions including pain, illness, or disability
life cycle changes such as adolescence, pregnancy, breastfeeding, infertility, menopause
past sexual abuse or assault
body image
life stresses and changes
anxiety and/or depression
use of medication
Sexual problems are normal, and they impact on our lives in many ways. Once a sexual problem has existed for a while, it can cause feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, anxiety, resentment, disappointment, and this may lead to conflict within the relationship. Resolving sexual problems involves communication, a willingness to look at what the problems are and to do things differently.

If you’d like to speak to someone about a problem with your sexual life please contact P.J. Matt Tilley on 0411 253 165 or email him at matt.tilley@iinet.net.au.

I wish you all the best of luck with this...

xxxxxx

 

[skye]

Hi hun, Get someone that you both feel comfortable and work your way into it. So small things first, just you and him having a drink together in a cafe and chat till it feels right then after you have gotten to know him invite him over for a drink. After a few times then you can share your friendship with him with her. Sometimes that helps to drop the barrier between you and him, you and your girlfriend and finally you and your fears. Take it easy and slowly,
Skye

 

[browndoggy]

Hello,

If it is meant to be it should happen easily? if not then maybe its not for you? I would never do something that I didnt want to for the sake of someone else.

If had a partner, and obviously as a hetero guy I cant really understand, and she wanted to bring another guy in, if I wasnt comfortable I wouldn't force it, I would address the reason why my partner wanted another guy to join in in the first place?