No Open Mouth Kissing and No going down on Me by my partner of 4 years

[Larry83]

:nono: No Open Mouth Kissing and No going down on Me. :nono:

Hi everyone

Ok this is a bit awkwar but i was wondering what people though and thought this would be the best place to put these questions.

Ok my partner and i have been together for about 4 years now, and we have a close bond and friendship.

I try to be a very patient person and we try to discuss everything that bothers us.

I have been in a few sexual relationships in the past and my partner has only been in one previous relationship and i am her first sexual partner.

The trouble i am having is that every time we kiss, she only wants pecks on the mouth and cheek - which is fine.
But i like a bit more intamacy and would like at least some open mouthed kisses - we have tried and she has a big thing with saliva - she is always able to lick me but every time i return it she always looks disgusted.

Questions 1.- Has anyone ever had this sort of experience and if so what did they do to resolve it?

Also - she never likes me going down on her, now i love to please a women in many different ways, but for her she will not allow me to look, touch or even lick her there.

same as question 1 - Has anyone ever had this sort of experience and if so what did they do to resolve it?


It is driving me insane as i miss certain things, and i am wanting to do so many things - i understand i am her first and have taken things very very slowly and discussed my frustration but she cannot seem to communicate back to me.

Really appreciate your thoughs and opinions on this.

 

[svengali]

This sounds like a severe case of "puritanitis." If your lady was unfortunate enough to be raised in the belief that anything below the waist is "dirty" you have a long hard road ahead of you.

I think it was Karl Marx who once said "give me the boy until he is seven and I will give you the man". It is a sad fact that some people are so brainwashed, particularly by religious teaching in infanthood, that even as adults they will accept those doctrines as facts which cannot even be questioned as all beliefs should occasionally be.

If you are to overcome these objections you can only do so by minor increments, very patiently, one brick at a time. Map her boundaries and try pushing them back gently and patiently. Maybe romantic films easing towards mild erotica will help. Alcohol may also help but careful you do not get her drunk and seduce her - that would end her trust in you and probably finish the whole relationship.

It will take quite a while and you have to decide if you are determined enough to stay the whole course or if you want to move on.

 

[Larry83]

Thanks

Thanks, im not the perfect guy, i try to be so patient and i think she understands. It's hard to talk about it as like another post i read, my partner is my rock and we are so close except for sex.

She does not drink alcohol - doesnt like the taste and is very reluctant to try any more.

It is driving me insane a bit, as i am really really missing things - open mouthed kissing and oral sex - giving and receiving.

I am getting to the point where we have spoken about me trying another women as well, now she says she is comfortable with it, but there is a hidden tale in her eye, i can tell she doesnt like it, so i am reluctant to go ahead with it.

something to work on maybe, i dont know i will keep trying, thanks for your advice though Sven, i have always admired you, for your posts.

 

[Mrs Langtrees]

What age is your lady?

 

[Larry83]

Age

She is 23.

(lol speaking of which, i need to see that movie - everything this year is the year of 23 for me, but thats another story i shall tell another time)

 

[Malmensa]

Maybe bring to topic up in conversation with a group of friends? Once everyone else reveals that they enjoy oral, maybe she will feel it is more normal. Assuming you have a group of friends you coukd talk about this with.

 

[svengali]

..........I am getting to the point where we have spoken about me trying another women as well, now she says she is comfortable with it, but there is a hidden tale in her eye, i can tell she doesnt like it, so i am reluctant to go ahead with it......[/I] quote


Hmm, this is also dangerous territory. For women in particular there is a world of difference between saying something is all right and dealing with the reality of it happening.

My old school mate Bill Shakespeare was a great student of human behaviour and in MacBeth he gave a perfect illustration of this principal. Lady Macbeth grew impatient with hubby agonising over whether or not to assasinate King Duncan and sieze the throne so she grabbed the carving knife and did poor old Duncan in herself while he slept under their roof and protection. Thereafter she spent the rest of the play in self-flagellation over her treacherous act and eventually went mad. A classic case of being able to do it but not being able to live with the consequences.

I really believe you are at a crossroads with this relationship. Do you want to have to rely on paid companions for sex for the rest of your life? As hobbies go it isn't cheap and my bet is your lady will sooner or later succumb to the green-eyed monster.

 

[Larry83]

Crossroads

Aye thank you, crossroads is an excellent way of putting it.

hmm as you said "As hobbies go it isn't cheap and my bet is your lady will sooner or later succumb to the green-eyed monster"

Thats what i was thinking as well will happen and I would rather end the relationship, so that it does not come to that or be able to work something out with her, so we can both be satisfied without offending one another.

Hmm I really do also think that it may be the end, and I am a bit scared of it.
I mean i do everything i can to help relax her as well as take my own time for myself - but she never seems to be the one to do things to me and if so it is for 10 seconds and then she stops.

I dont mean to whinge but it is crazy i can give a massge for 2 hours straight and then on another day i just ask for 10 minutes to rub my shoulders and she cannot even do that.

I try brining it up and she just tells me she knows she has a problem and thinks it is her diet, i advise perhaps us both speaking to a nutritionist or even the doctor and she blatantly refuses.

And as you can see after that I have then spoken to her about myself perhaps getting outside services to help satisfy myself.

- Thank you so much for everyone help me with this as well by the way-

She does not have many friends and as far as i know she has none she can speak to on a personal level and does not know how to make new ones as she is socially shy.

Hmm it might just play out for a couple of months of us discussing it non stop and then in the end for myself to end it - so that i do things that she says are ok but feels that they are not.
I have tried to be a patient man, I really really have but really do want more sometimes.

 

[21yrstevo]

sorry to hear bout ur situation dude i hope it all works out for the best.

 

[Rancorel]

I know where you are coming from and don't believe you are alone in your .... struggle (for lack of a better word). Sven has offered some good advice. I hope that it works out for you. Be comforted by the fact that you are the better man for respecting her wishes but a relationship goes both ways.

 

[Larry83]

Ahh sorry to be back here again, but im finding it hard now, i mean do you end a relationship all because the sex life isnt what you want it to be?? i mean everything else is great and we get on so well, so how do you tell someone, "I'm sorry i care for you but i just need more sexually, and i dont think you are able to give that to me"

Am i being selfish?? I really dont think so, i think im finding that my needs are not being met.

ack so hard, but really perhaps i just need to face facts, we have tried talking about things and i know just where she is at.
And im not wanting to push her into anything.

perhaps i am best to just end it, as i do not wish to hurt her, and i feel that if i stay in this relationship i will only get more frustrated.

 

[sexiness]

Do you Love her?

If this is for real and your in for the long run then I'd say it is a matter of time and the time will come when she finds the tiger inside her (with your help of course)
equally I understand how important it is a relationship has intimacy, that there are tender touches and moments where you meet on an unspoken level.

I think unpressured 'real' talks are important - this is as real for you as is her feelings are as real for her.
Is it possible to seek counselling?

Why is she is unable to engage in intimate kisses? - has she experienced sexual hurt or abuse in the past?

I would think it is only natural to want to kiss the person you care about and are sexually attracted to

Not sure if I'm any help...be sure that whatever decision you make, that you have tried, relationships do require work and communication but there are rewards for your efforts.

 

[Larry83]

You are of great help sexiness, thank you.

I do need to ask myself if i love her, or if i just care for her.
I want to be in it for the long run.

I am trying not to put the pressure on her, just to let her know how i feel.
She tells me she finds saliva as discusting.
Im thinking she is thinking about it too much.

As far as im aware im her first sexual partner.

I feel i have tried, and am still trying, and looking for avenues we can take that might help. I know its not an overnight process, but i am also wanting her to put in effort towards this, and i feel like she is not.

 

[Mile High]

Larry,

You seem to have decided what to do but then talk yourself out of it.

Sex is only one small part of a relationship, but if it is so important to you as you make out than you must decide. Stop ponificating it is your decision.

 

[Bratboy]

Tell her to get the fuck out of your life.

It's pretty mean but trying to be nice only drags out the process and you'll end up being labelled an arsehole either way. May as well make it like ripping off a bandaid. Get it over with.

 

[sexiness]

May as well make it like ripping off a bandaid. Get it over with.

Thats abit harsh Bratboy!! - there is a person with feelings at the other end of the relationship not something you use up and discard when your finished with it. Being labelled an arsehole even though you show respect is far more honourable and endearing than a guy who is ruthless and mean At least the person you leave behind potentially leaves with the least amount of ill feelings towards men than she came with

What goes around - just eventually might come around :

 

[Spunkymunky]

I pm'd you

 

[princesssuzie]

Hi Larry

You've been in this relationship for 4 years and you're asking yourself "do I really love her?" I have to say if you're asking yourself and not just admitting it, then do you love her? It's hard to put so much into a relationship knowing that it may be time to move on.

I've been lucky enough to be married 25 years and it's been hard work at times, but I must admit I love my hubbie and love to kiss him passionately and really love it when he gives me oral.

I might be mistaken but it sounds like you've been spoiling her. You've been with her since she were 19 and maybe she just hasn't matured along with you.

I don't have any advice as I don't have the whole story, but from what I've read here you need to perhaps take some time out, not necessarily with someone else, just be apart to decide what you really want and whether you really want this relationship.

 

[SubNymphet]

Hi Larry.

I am in a similar situation myself, excepts its my hubby who isnt generally into the intimate side of things.

It is really hard being the person always wanting more intimacy... for me it often feels like its something im doing wrong when he turns me down,

We have talked about this a lot (having been together 5 yrs now) and the option of me going elsewhere has come up many times but i have never been comfortable doing it... i know now it is not worth it, as someone always gets hurt, no matter how prepared they think they are.

I have come to realise that my hubby gives me what he can, and that there are reasons that he is distant emotionally and physically (abusive family etc) that he wont talk about but has hinted at. im not saying that is the case wth your girl, but as sven said there is many many reasons why someone may consider certain things 'taboo'... and it may just be a case of finding a situation where she is comfortable enough to start sharing what is really going on.

Do you know if she masturbates? or fantasises about anything?? maybe she has a fantasy that she is too scared to tell you...

hmmm sorry if i havent been much help... all that rambling. tired. lol

 

[Larry83]

Thank you Sub, Slavegirl, Spunky Sexiness and Moneyman.

Im glad you shared that, i dont feel comfortable going elsewhere either.

We were talking about it today, and she has come to realise that she has issues with bodily fluids, she is fine with her own but no-one elses.
As far as im aware there has been nothing in her past with abuse or anything.

Quote "for me it often feels like its something im doing wrong when he turns me down,"

Im the same, i wonder if i have come on too strongly or something. And i know she comes from a family where they are not affectionate in anyway shape or form.

We have spoken about masturbation and she has told me she has never done it, and that it just always feels uncomfortable to touch her vagina. I have also asked previously if she has had anything she fantasises about and again she has stated that there is nothing.

She has told me, that she knows she has problems, and im trying to be as supportive as i can, but unfortunately im finding myself getting quite sexually frustrated.

I mean im the type of person to be turned on, by turning someone else on, and she doesnt really seem to be turned on by me touching her either.

I always try to be considerate, understanding and non-judgemental about anything, and feel we have an open relationship.

And now Im thinking, is it best we just try to be friends?, or am i being selfish, because im finding im quite sexually frustrated.

Just another thanks as well btw to everyone who has helped put positive feedback about this as well.

 

[Larry83]

well my girlfriend has been thinking about things and is considering getting counselling or at least speaking to someone about her issues. Which is a huge step and must be so daunting for her. But i really think it might be a step in the right direction. We are not going to go straight away. We are going to try a few things first and then see how we go.

 

[SubNymphet]

Thats excellent larry and a great step foward for you both! i hope it works out for you because it would be a shame for lack of sexual intimacy to be the end of a relationship.

 

[Mile High]

Good luck to you both Larry, unless you both deal with the issues whatever they may be, then that is all they will remain.

 

[Mrs Langtrees]

I also concur with the progress....slowly....slowly....catch the monkey a special friend used to say. It took me many years for this wisdom to really sink in, until I realised it meant seek the answer, if you try hard enough, it is out there somewhere in this world.
This has been a great thread, I am closing it now, as with all the new generation AF moderators we now have on board ,we can keep the forum fresher and when a thread reaches a conclusion or hits the third page we should have many idea's for a new thread.