Mismatched Sex Drive :(

[AussieGuy78]

Hi,

I'm worried about my wifes sex drive. The whole time I've been with her I've been waiting for her to become more open or more experimental or more excited about sex but it just hasn't happened. I have a high sex drive and am always the one who tries to initiate sex, most of the time unsuccessfully, but no matter which way I go about it she's not that keen 90% of the time. We watch porn and that gets her in the mood but she doesn't like to give or recieve oral and it's not cause I suck at it, I think it's because she thinks it's not a clean area to have your tounge poking around, but I love doing it and I really like having my dick sucked and my balls licked but it's been a while since thats happened.

I shave my cock and balls but it's a fight to get her to even trim her pussy. She barely ever wants to try a new position and the most we've ever tried at once is maybe 3. She loves it if I play with her asshole but won't let me finger or fuck it. She's not open to anything new at all and I'm worried we're going to grow apart because I want a satisfying sex life not one that will have to do because it's all I can get.

I love her very much, more than anything, she's the mother of my 2 beautiful kids and she's my rock, I couldn't live without her but I feel like she doesn't care about sex and I see it as a way of connecting, not just physical and she doesn't understand or maybe she doesn't care but all I want to do is to really "connect" with her.

Any advice?????

 

[Minxxy]

Find someone else to satisfy you sexually?

Or open up to her and tell her how you feel... if you think that this is a relationship breaker, then tell her and try and work through it before it becomes irrepairable.

 

[Mrs Langtrees]

Can I ask you what age you both are and the age of the children. This will help with a answer.

 

[michael5139]

>Find someone else to satisfy you sexually?

Very bad idea, I tried this route and trust me it will not work.

I suggest seeing a marriage councellor / psychologist. I would never have done so as I thought they could never help, but it's amazing how common your story is and they really do help alot. There are many things that can cause what you describe, the psyc's and councellors have seen them all and heard them all before. There is nothing you can say to these people that will shock them, and it is all totally confidential. The catch is you have to tell them the truth, which can be a bit difficult/embarrasing.

Good luck

 

[Mary Anne PA]

eeehaw eeehaw

Age old problem even where i come from. Get knew younger model...keep this one for cleaning and cooking...maybe wash your back.
Find one that has chemistry and likes drinking fire water...hey dont worry be happy plenty of gals ..just find another...Sometimes you can lead a donkey to water but you sure can't force to drink...

Eehaw eehaw

 

[Mrs Langtrees]

Take no notice of Caveman he is trying to lighten the load. The reason I asked the ages , is it is very common for younger woman with young children to have no sex drive. Its the body's defence to getting pregant again.
Interestingly woman's sex drive hits in when the children are teenagers around mid thirties and quite often the male sex drive is waning.
You do need to talk about it together, you need to understand it together so you both go forward. There are many ways to increase the female sex drive if you approach it openly and honestly. It may take a few months but then Rome wasn't built in a day.
The oral sex thing is also usually age related, I couldn't stand Oral in my twenties, preconditioned to think strong men couldn't enjoy that.
Strong relationships are built on both parties giving the other party a hearing, making the effort to understand both sides of the need.
Go to amazon.com and buy Betty Dodsons book "Sex for One" It will help you understand woman, share it with your wife and start looking for positive solutions.
Remember I couldn't stand Olives until I was 40, now they are one of my favourite foods.We have to give things a honest go before we say its not for me.

 

[AussieGuy78]

Thanks for the replies.

Cheatings not the answer or I would have done that ages ago. I was cheated on once by a long term partner and that really hurt so I wouldn't do that to my wife.

My kids are 3yrs old and 3 months old. I know giving birth kills the sex drive for a while but a lot of these problems have been over a longer period of time that started before my first kid was born. I just want the girl to open up sexually and stop being so frigid all the time. Sex is a great thing and should be seen as something fun and exciting, not something to only be done in a dark room and never be spoken about.

Rarely she's open to new stuff like one time I played with her pussy while we watched porn, a group lesbian scene actually, and she liked it. She nearly came and I could tell she was into it but embarressed. She thinks if she tells me that she likes something I will want to do it right away or all the time. So if she said she likes watching girls have sex with each other I'd automatically expect a 3way which I won't. Even getting her to talk dirty is really difficult.

Horny Goat Weed maybe? Anyone tried that before?

 

[Spunkymunky]

Horny Goat Weed maybe? Anyone tried that before?

I have tried horny goat weed a loooooong time ago and found it did nothing. I had more of a sex drive after going off it than while i was taking it......

 

[Malmensa]

Horny Goat weed is just a placebo. Alcohol or dope might help, or could make things worse, and have rather obvious downsides.

 

[Spunkymunky]

Plus the tablets are frigging huge - i used to have to quarter them to swallow them and the aftertaste is ick. Don't recommend them at all!! Does alcohol make a difference? I am more relaxed when i drink and up for more interesting stuff.

Then again, i am pretty depraved anyway so that doesn't mean much

 

[Hot_Bi_BBW]

It sounds to me like it might be related to early sexual experiences. More often than not, sexual preferences in life are a result of experiences in teen yrs (or earlier - controversial, but we all know that younger than teens do 'experiment', I know I did). Maybe she had a bad experience at that time, and this has caused her to feel shame about sex or a certain part of her body. I would try and delve to find out if this is the case. If it is, reassure her that you love her and find her sexually attractive, and hopefully she will respond positively. As you are close to her, and if you do find that this is the issue, she will be eternally grateful to you for allowing her to open up and hopefully this will be the beginning of a fantastic sexual relationship. Also, the baby being 3 months old is a pretty full on experience for her (and yourself, hats off x). Having 2 kids under 4 would also put pressure on you as a couple. I found myself and see all the time the pressure having kids puts on relationships. It's like the sexuality of the adults has to go out the window and all that's discussed is nappy rash and how to get rid of it! I would suggest that you allocate one night a month to be a couple again, book a hotel room (maybe surprise her) and just have some time together. Do something that she likes - go dancing, dinner, river cruise, something unique that brings a spark to her eye (so she doesnt think shes being set up to be a sexual n nymph all night) but make sure it's just the two of you so that you are able to dedicate the time to each other and you will see that she will be so relaxed and happy that the sex will come naturally. Find out what makes her tick... I hope this helps
xxx

 

[Hot_Bi_BBW]

Oh, and one other thing, no one knows you as well as yourselves, I wouldnt even bother with counselling.. Any counselling I've had has been a negative cold experience. I went for marriage counselling once, the guy asked my husband (who btw is African and we all know that African men appreciate BBW) if 'my weight bothered him'. Hmmmm we were both dumfounded and frankly disgusted, it was totally left of field, not at all relevant and put me off counselling for life.. I felt like sueing the prick! Anyway, I think it's a waste of $, you know each other better than anyone else, so try and work through it together. They say that the highest suicide rate in any profession is psychologists, so I would steer clear of the apparent 'baggage sponges' that they appear to be..

 

[Malmensa]

" They say that the highest suicide rate in any profession is psychologists,"

Urban Mythology.

 

[Hot_Bi_BBW]

Probably is an urban myth and a bit of a harsh, irrelevant quote, but it does not detract from my negative experiences with those in the profession on each occasion that I attended...

 

[Minxxy]

Is there any chance of the kids staying with a sitter or family once a week/fortnight/month so that you two can go out and be romantic? Give her a chance to relax, unwind, stop being 'mum' and be just your wife for a night? You know it doesnt even have to be sexual upfront. I think if you guys stayed at a hotel and had dinner, maybe had a soothing hot tub or something and an early night, she would be a bit relaxed in the morning and be open to some wake up sex? I am trying to wear my mummy hat and think about what would put me in the mood. I know my sister is always exhausted with three little ones. A break from that might be an solution...

 

[Cheeky Boy]

I know where u are coming from aussie guy. The details may be different but the issue is pretty much the same with me and my wife. It's not just that the sex drive seems to be different, it is more the fact that I feel she can enjoy more but feels guilty about it. Her being a good Catholic girl and all I am certain is a big part of the problem. The only thing that can touch her pussy is my cock. And whilst I reckon I am a shit hot lover (lol), I know that it takes more than just my cock to satisfy her. I feel so removed from it all it is unreal. And I wish I could say that I remain faithful regardless, but it has been 15 years and I am far from a perfect man.

 

[2curiousperth]

Yes this is definitely common. I think you have to try getting her in the mood with non-sexual things like massage, compliments, kisses and so on. Both sides need to work on it, not just her.

 

[Larry83]

Trying

Ahh sounds quite frustrating, but your a good man to give it time and attention, my partner and myself dont have kids so it is easier for us, but she has a low - no sex drive as well and I have a high sex drive

I found massages worked really really well, it helped relax her and put her mind at ease, my partner is always stressing about work and other things, but i have been finding after a nice meal, with some chocolate (her favourite food) and then massages to put her to sleep to relax, was great as she was able to have some her time, and there was not the need to push sex.

We also talked about relaxing exericises & strategies, it has then made her relax a hell of a lot more and now we are slowly looking at why her sex drive is like that, and now she understands mine and initiates sex.

It has doubled our communication and our openness, given it took ages to come to this.(Rome wasnt built in a day)
I think with time and definetly communication will help.

I just found with communication i had to be very very careful what i said as she was embarassed and thought i would judge her for it, after giving her time and discussing that it is something we need to talk about but also when she is ready helped alot.


As i said before i dont have kids, but having worked as a teacher's aide for 6 years and beinga babysitter for 10 years i have wanted to learn some strategies to help relax - and basically it was my breathing techniques and just taking 2 - 3 seconds to relax.

I am not the perfect man and i definetly have a long way to go with things

Best of luck and please let me know how you go with it

 

[Mrs Langtrees]

For all low sex drive woman you must get them a ersocillator link at the top of our site, mine has just arrived and the perfect first timer stimulator and warm up machine.
Real greedy woman will want this to warm them off and Betty the Wand to gkeep them going and going and going.
They are not cheap but really well made around $300 with all the attachments landed or could have been $400
Need to get european model for our power supply.

 

[sexiness]

tidying up so closing this thread