You were indeed blessed, happy2. It was not all doom and gloom for me/us. 15-20 years everything seemed to work for both of us. Our kids have since left home and I would've thought the perfect opportunity to rekindle the flame, spice things up in the bedroom, do more things together....but the endeavours have to be reciprocal for positive outcomes. As the saying goes, 'It takes two to tango' and as much as I, for a considerable time encouraged what I thought were positive responses, it became obvious I had been left to 'dance by myself'; unless it was to her tune. I can possibly see how my comments and attitude could come across as labelling me a cold hearted bastard (bastard, maybe; cold hearted, never), and that view maybe due to how I went about explaining or lack of explaining my 'personal loneliness' situation and queries. Of course, I would expect people to have differing interpretations of my scenario and that's fair enough. It is only my personal feelings on display. No-one has any idea about my wife's attitude to my endeavours, reaction to my requests, her moods and type of communication toward me, as I had no intention to disclose all of her personal traits (and I never would), as that was not the aim of my thread. I do feel I have provided too much information now which has fed some misconceptions about my role/ behaviour and I share some blame as perhaps I did not explain very well my feelings and questions on personal loneliness in a relationship. I did not want to deliver a huge monologue, which this is now rapidly becoming. Hence, I will end my commentary on this topic and again thank those of you who took the time to contribute, for your interesting comments and opinions .
Buk, i can understand your situation and would make the following comments.
Yes you can be living almost a single life even though you are married or in a relationship for many years (30 plus I think?). By the sounds of it you have drifted apart, time, circumstances, arguments and missunderstandings can drive a wedge between you but there has to come a point in time that you decide what is more important, your health and well being or staying in a relationship that you are unhappy in and probably your wife is too. Obviously i appreciate there is more to your situation than you have or would say but it is your life to decide what to do, not anyone else's.
You said you have tried to leave on more than one occasion but relented when your wife cried, unfortunately it is human nature to want to have the status quo and live in denial rather than face an uncertain future which is what it appears, you are both doing for different reasons.
For some men who have gotten used to living alone, are happy in themselves with thier feelings but still live in the house with thier wife but just existing to the outside world as a "couple" there comes a time when the guy (it could be the wife but this is just targeted to the male perspective in this post) has to decide what he wants from his life. Does he want to be unhappy in his current state or does he want to take the biggest punt of his life and start over, even on his own without any female companion. He must make the decision not because he is emotionaly involved (even partially) with someone else but because the guy wants to live a better fuller life on his own before it is too late. Living in a bad relationship for years can be soul destroying, your health (and your wife's) can suffer in many ways.
By relenting when your wife cries you are not solving the problem just extending it for both of you. Do you have somewhere to live?, can you financially support yourself?, can your wife support herself?, are you prepared for the emotional impact on both yourself and your wife?, do you have the strength to leave and stick to it because once you walk out your life will change forever and your wife will unfortunately start being bitter towards you after the initial upset and pleas to come back have worn out. This is an unfortunate fact of life and could be the husband's response if the wife left him.
Having a companion after you seperate is a good thing but only if you have adjusted to being on your own within yourself. I know that for a lot of people, they want a companion because they cannot exist on thier own as they find out after leaving the wife. For some guys already having lived alone within a relationship who are okay being without someone, meeting a new person even by chance can be very heartwarming because someone sees things in you that make you feel good about yourself again. You will face many different periods of readjustment to your new life.
But ae you prepared for the problems you will face, most likely on your own. Think long and hard before taking that final step and if you think you might not cope, might not be able to face life on your lonesome, cope with the emotional stress apart from the financial issues you will face, then take the bull by the horns and talk to your wife, tell her what you feel, how you feel and ask her if she wants to work at your relationship together. If she says yes and you can see she is sincere then go at it. Otherwise leave and start the long hard road to being single again.
One piece of advice, please do not leave your wife because of any emotional attachment with another, percieved or otherwise because you cannot make a life changing decision if you are "infatuated", "in love" or have strong feelings for someone else. You could easily be making the wrong decision because you are not thinking properly. Yes i know people do leave their wives because they are involved with someone else but it is the wrong way to end any relationship and start another.
I hope you find the right way for both you and your wife in the end, good luck and in the words of a famous actor "live long and prosper", that's right isn't guys?
FN. Any comments that i have made are not a judgement on your reasons, values etc.
