Is it wrong ?

[sparky]

I've been in a relationship with a married woman for a number of years now and it has turned into a toxic relationship where I'm sure we both still love eachother but we rarely see eachother anymore and the relationship is I feel is just one of convenience now as neither wants to hurt the other by breaking it off.
We pretty much only get to chat online with a catch up once every few months for a night of release of sexual tension.
Now we rarely even chat when we're both online and no messages left or anything so am I better off just saying that's it and delete all contact even tho I do still have feelings for her or keep it up till she has had enough or hope things change for the better again ( we have had lulls before)
My dilemma is that it is her birthday and I sent a nice message to her and all I get back is thanks
I am thinking of giving her a birthday present of her freedom to rid herself of the guilt of our relationship even tho I still have feelings for her and vice versa I think
Is it wrong to do this on her birthday or should I just wait ?
I just think by giving her her freedom back is the best thing I can give her at the moment , but I'm sure it will ruin her day and that is not my intention .
I think by doing it today it either makes me look like a complete wanker or that I care enough still to let her be free and try to rekindle the feelings she once had with her husband again as they celebrate guilt free

 

[HappyPirate]

Ahoy, from my personal experience, do not do a break-up on a woman birthday, they never forget-ever so in my mind any other day is good , birthday very bad idea.

Hey Sparky;- So I do not mis-understand, I am assuming you are her lover? and she is still with her hubby

 

[johnlou]

hey Sparkey could you not find a more difficult situation to be in .

questions you need to ask yourself.

what type of relationship you have together .
can you live without her
do you have other women in your life
is this a fuck buddy relationship
if you get more than 50% negative then i suggest you move on

 

[sparky]

Ahoy, from my personal experience, do not do a break-up on a woman birthday, they never forget-ever so in my mind any other day is good , birthday very bad idea.

Hey Sparky;- So I do not mis-understand, I am assuming you are her lover? and she is still with her hubby

She lives with her hubby and kids
I cant see her ever leaving them even tho she has suggested it over the years
We started as friends ,progressed to FB then lovers as the feelings came thru more and best friends
Living without her will be hard and the only other women I have is women I pay to see for RnT

 

[estafarr]

Yeah - I agree HP - bad birthday present - even with the best intentions you will look like a complete wanker...good luck with it though I hate the dying stages of a relationship - always sad...

 

[johnlou]

no matter what you do , you will be in pain for 1 reason or another

the choice is not a good 1 ,
if i was in your position and believe me i would have done this long ago ( as i know from experience ) make a break but tell her face to face and never on a day that means something to her ,

 

[HappyPirate]

Hey Sparky, I suspect you already know the answer, but, never dumped anyone on their birthday, especially a women. Bro Sparky you need to move forward in life and I suspect this fact alone has dawn upon you.
Good luck Bro, the end game is the hardest part, JohnLou idea is best, do it face to face

 

[sparky]

If I do it face to face which I agree is best then it will just linger on even longer
Circumstances wont let us meet up for a while now , and if we do meet up we'd end up doing it once more for old times sake and forget why we met up and i'll be here again in the same situation (just not on her birthday) in a few months

 

[johnlou]

lol i see your point sparky , then do what ever is right that's all i can say

 

[iwtt69]

Sleep on it, nothing wrong with waiting a couple days...
Birthday is never a good day to break off with her but from tyre sound of it, she doesn't care anyway..
Still..best to wait

 

[Happy2]

If the lady has moved on and is definitely staying with the family she already has It is time for you to move on as well Cant have a one way relationship You will be in I hope, I wish mode for months/ years otherwise

But as others have said Not on her birthday You want her to have good memories of you

 

[nightrider]

I've been in a relationship with a married woman for a number of years now and it has turned into a toxic relationship where I'm sure we both still love eachother but we rarely see eachother anymore and the relationship is I feel is just one of convenience now as neither wants to hurt the other by breaking it off.
We pretty much only get to chat online with a catch up once every few months for a night of release of sexual tension.
Now we rarely even chat when we're both online and no messages left or anything so am I better off just saying that's it and delete all contact even tho I do still have feelings for her or keep it up till she has had enough or hope things change for the better again ( we have had lulls before)
My dilemma is that it is her birthday and I sent a nice message to her and all I get back is thanks
I am thinking of giving her a birthday present of her freedom to rid herself of the guilt of our relationship even tho I still have feelings for her and vice versa I think
Is it wrong to do this on her birthday or should I just wait ?
I just think by giving her her freedom back is the best thing I can give her at the moment , but I'm sure it will ruin her day and that is not my intention .
I think by doing it today it either makes me look like a complete wanker or that I care enough still to let her be free and try to rekindle the feelings she once had with her husband again as they celebrate guilt free

I agree with all the others, the birthday breakup present is not the way to go; in my experience straight forward talk followed by straight forward action is the best solution, if as you say she is not leaving her husband and family for you, she has already given you her answer, now its your turn to give yours…..

 

[estafarr]

If I do it face to face which I agree is best then it will just linger on even longer
Circumstances wont let us meet up for a while now , and if we do meet up we'd end up doing it once more for old times sake and forget why we met up and i'll be here again in the same situation (just not on her birthday) in a few months

Sounds like there is still a bit of juice in this old lemon yet! Go for the last bits - then talk about it...

 

[johnlou]

why is it that the wonderful ladies of the forum are not putting their 2sence worth to the discussion , i for 1 would like to hear a ladies point of view :-0

or is it that they don't have 1 ( fishing )

 

[Farm Boy 2]

Sparky You egotistical Idiot Do not I repeat DO NOT give this woman her freedom on her birthday or any other day ,

Just tell her she deserves better than you , she will believe you probable already thinks this with out being told ,

 

[johnlou]

sorry i do agree with putting yourself down for any reason , just say how you feel and leave it @ that , if she needs to feel bad then so be it

 

[sparky]

I don't see it as putting myself down , I'm not saying she can do better i'm telling her to sort her shit out with her family issues and stop leading the double life, as I know it plays havoc with her at times
We were both happy as its been for years but life has got in the way now i'm not asking her to leave her husband , I don't think I could live with her but the sex is/was great when we catch up

Ok i'll wait till tomorrow she'll probably be hung over anyway and that might help dull the pain

 

[Adrianna Lush]

Hello Sparky

There is my opinion, keeping in mind that tact is a talent I have yet to master.
There is no need for you to tell her in a special breakoff message that it's over because it sounds like she already knows that and has subtly been trying to tell you that via the lack of enthusiasm.
You just have to deal with you heart now as years of intimacy with make the heart a little tender to cope with no longer having it. The rational argument makes sense with her husband and family and what your relationship with her was based on but the emotional side of things is more difficult to comprehend. I guess just be easy on yourself and take your time so that you don't get too hurt with anger by over analysing what's lost.
Good luck x

 

[sparky]

Thanks Adrianna
her lack of enthusiasm is mainly due to her thinking I have a lack of enthusiasm when in reality its just life has got in the way and made catching up too hard and if I don't answer a message within seconds of receiving it I must be looking elsewhere
I wont get angry as I don't want to waste what we had with anger

 

[Adrianna Lush]

Thanks Adrianna
her lack of enthusiasm is mainly due to her thinking I have a lack of enthusiasm when in reality its just life has got in the way and made catching up too hard and if I don't answer a message within seconds of receiving it I must be looking elsewhere
I wont get angry as I don't want to waste what we had with anger

Oh....then maybe she's been trying to juggle too much with her other life as well as her fantasy life with you.
VERY difficult! For you both.
Still, her response 'thanks' tells me that she didn't want or couldn't be bothered writing something more. Just a few more words would have meant a Lot more.
If I received that message back, I'd think that it was just a polite, obligatory message.
I still don't think you should message her and spell it out for her. I would just let it wane off into nothing.

 

[iwtt69]

Thanks Adrianna
her lack of enthusiasm is mainly due to her thinking I have a lack of enthusiasm when in reality its just life has got in the way and made catching up too hard and if I don't answer a message within seconds of receiving it I must be looking elsewhere
I wont get angry as I don't want to waste what we had with anger

With all the punting you've done, you have been looking else where..

 

[sparky]

With all the punting you've done, you have been looking else where..

I've just been satisfying my needs that she cant

 

[JoepGeluk]

Agree not the best birthday present, but sure she will remember nit sure if thats the effect you are looking for. if you want to make a point on feeling that your relationship,is being neglected just tell her face to face you her giving her to time to sort out her feelings, as you dont want to hurt yourself (non replies etc). but do not contact her from then onwards

 

[DitaTempest1]

I've been in a relationship with a married woman for a number of years now and it has turned into a toxic relationship where I'm sure we both still love eachother but we rarely see eachother anymore and the relationship is I feel is just one of convenience now as neither wants to hurt the other by breaking it off.
We pretty much only get to chat online with a catch up once every few months for a night of release of sexual tension.
Now we rarely even chat when we're both online and no messages left or anything so am I better off just saying that's it and delete all contact even tho I do still have feelings for her or keep it up till she has had enough or hope things change for the better again ( we have had lulls before)
My dilemma is that it is her birthday and I sent a nice message to her and all I get back is thanks
I am thinking of giving her a birthday present of her freedom to rid herself of the guilt of our relationship even tho I still have feelings for her and vice versa I think
Is it wrong to do this on her birthday or should I just wait ?
I just think by giving her her freedom back is the best thing I can give her at the moment , but I'm sure it will ruin her day and that is not my intention .
I think by doing it today it either makes me look like a complete wanker or that I care enough still to let her be free and try to rekindle the feelings she once had with her husband again as they celebrate guilt free

Hi Sparky!
Wow, you have the mother-of-all-dilemmas on your hands! I think anyone that has ever been in a similar situation can empathise...
I'm going to be blunt...Not because I wish to be tactless - and I'm certainly not judging you or having a go... More just playing Devil's Advocate...
You said, "I am thinking of giving her a birthday present of her freedom to rid herself of the guilt of our relationship even tho I still have feelings for her and vice versa I think". My opinion here is that her freedom is (and always was) hers and hers alone, to do with as she would. If you want to extricate yourself from the relationship, do it for the sake of your own freedom and sense of self. Not hers.

She is obviously someone who was (and maybe still is) very special and close to your heart - otherwise this would not be the difficult decision that it seems to be. I hear a lot of dignity and caring in your words...But, please, take care of your own soul first. You describe the relationship as "toxic" and that it has become "one of convenience". I am sorry. From your words I can sees that it was not always this way, and I am sure that you must have many special memories of how things were. But if a relationship has turned toxic, I don't see that there is anything else to be done except get yourself out of there and on to better, brighter days... It is a bit like taking off a bandaid.. Do you do it inch by inch, slowly and painfully, prolonging the dull, steady pain? Or do you just make a clean break, rip the bandaid off quickly? Sure, it hurts more at the time, but it passes. If the roles were reversed, and it was her thinking about breaking things off with you, would you prefer to know straight away and direct & to the point, or would you rather she waited to "spare your feelings"?

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the very best. Like I said, it's a dilemma, for sure. I hope that you choose to do what feels best for the good of your own heart and soul.

Good Luck,
Hugs and kisses
Kathy x x x

 

[lola]

I've been in a relationship with a married woman for a number of years now and it has turned into a toxic relationship where I'm sure we both still love eachother but we rarely see eachother anymore and the relationship is I feel is just one of convenience now as neither wants to hurt the other by breaking it off.
We pretty much only get to chat online with a catch up once every few months for a night of release of sexual tension.
Now we rarely even chat when we're both online and no messages left or anything so am I better off just saying that's it and delete all contact even tho I do still have feelings for her or keep it up till she has had enough or hope things change for the better again ( we have had lulls before)
My dilemma is that it is her birthday and I sent a nice message to her and all I get back is thanks
I am thinking of giving her a birthday present of her freedom to rid herself of the guilt of our relationship even tho I still have feelings for her and vice versa I think
Is it wrong to do this on her birthday or should I just wait ?
I just think by giving her her freedom back is the best thing I can give her at the moment , but I'm sure it will ruin her day and that is not my intention .
I think by doing it today it either makes me look like a complete wanker or that I care enough still to let her be free and try to rekindle the feelings she once had with her husband again as they celebrate guilt free

Don't do it on her birthday because it will make you look like you are doing it out of spite to hurt her. Do it for both of you Sparky and if it is that she really loves you she will contact you again. But for the time being giving it a rest will be healthier for both of you.

 

[johnlou]

hey Sparky , i think you have as much info as you can get on the subject ,
if you want the thread closed or left to run longer let me know .

John

 

[iwtt69]

Birthday over!!

Time to put the ball in her court so to speak.. good luck.

 

[sparky]

Birthday was yesterday I didnt do anything other than wish her a happy birthday and wish her all the best for her future

 

[Farm Boy 2]

Birthday was yesterday I didnt do anything other than wish her a happy birthday and wish her all the best for her future

www.123rf.com

 

[estafarr]

Don't do it on her birthday because it will make you look like you are doing it out of spite to hurt her. Do it for both of you Sparky and if it is that she really loves you she will contact you again. But for the time being giving it a rest will be healthier for both of you.

Lola - I love your avatar - made me laugh out loud....