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A little more then ten years ago I received game changing news. Not too long after my 18th Birthday I found out I was pregnant. I was never going to have children, I was terrified of the concept of having to commit to anything as I lived most of my childhood and teenage years in self sabotage, depression, hurt and I had no intention of staying 'here'. I took specific risks that I somehow managed to escape, whole heartedly believing that eventually one of them would do the trick.
The exception to the rule; I met a guy and had some babies and lived happily ever after.
We hadn't been dating long, but he slowly started reshaping my impressions of the world, taught me coping skills to deal with my self harm addiction, and never tried to fight me, confine me or exploit me. But when we found out a baby was one the way it jeopardised everything....I was set to leave and face the consequences on my own. But 12 weeks came around pretty fast, months of nothing but 24/7 severe sickness...and my little bean had multiplied into two! Somewhere along the way I'd reconciled my fate, accepted the challenge but finding out I had two babies on the way was just gobsmacking and frankly not particularly funny. I was getting more than I bargained for and now I believe sometimes more than I deserved (in a good way).
My twin boys turn 10yrs old tomorrow, and I can't hardly believe we made it this far. They were my first link to this world that made it possible for me to find the strength to stay, to fight my inner pain and turmoil. I've fracked up, screwed up, fumbled along the way...I've slipped back to bad habits and chewed on guilt for every single mistake...
Raising kids is surreal. Every step of the way they change and grow and flourish into these little personalities fast grown into boys approaching adolescence. Blows my mind that it's been ten years. I wouldn't be here if they weren't, in so many ways have they changed me, but more than that they saved me. So I don't just celebrate their birthday, it's not just a birthday...it means much more than that for me and my world...even when they're just concerned with what exciting presents they'll get to open and cake...I'll cry as I hug them and they'll just think I'm being a silly old mum!
The exception to the rule; I met a guy and had some babies and lived happily ever after.
We hadn't been dating long, but he slowly started reshaping my impressions of the world, taught me coping skills to deal with my self harm addiction, and never tried to fight me, confine me or exploit me. But when we found out a baby was one the way it jeopardised everything....I was set to leave and face the consequences on my own. But 12 weeks came around pretty fast, months of nothing but 24/7 severe sickness...and my little bean had multiplied into two! Somewhere along the way I'd reconciled my fate, accepted the challenge but finding out I had two babies on the way was just gobsmacking and frankly not particularly funny. I was getting more than I bargained for and now I believe sometimes more than I deserved (in a good way).
My twin boys turn 10yrs old tomorrow, and I can't hardly believe we made it this far. They were my first link to this world that made it possible for me to find the strength to stay, to fight my inner pain and turmoil. I've fracked up, screwed up, fumbled along the way...I've slipped back to bad habits and chewed on guilt for every single mistake...
Raising kids is surreal. Every step of the way they change and grow and flourish into these little personalities fast grown into boys approaching adolescence. Blows my mind that it's been ten years. I wouldn't be here if they weren't, in so many ways have they changed me, but more than that they saved me. So I don't just celebrate their birthday, it's not just a birthday...it means much more than that for me and my world...even when they're just concerned with what exciting presents they'll get to open and cake...I'll cry as I hug them and they'll just think I'm being a silly old mum!
