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....a timely reminder over Xmas/New Year

Fudd

Fudd

Full Member
Foundation Member
Points
5
Hi All,
I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.

Some of us may have had a brush with the law :police: on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice shiraz.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I’ve never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from…...

So be aware this festive season...... :)

Fudd :laughing4
 
Demon

Demon

Legend Member
Points
0
:laughing4 Good one:laughing4

Similar to:

What is the hardest part about catching a bus?

Answer is.............
 
Rochelle

Rochelle

Forum & Langtrees.com Administrator
Staff member
Legend Member
Points
390
Love it Fudd :laughing4 have you got an other one ;)

R.xxxxxxxxx
 
P

Peter

Kiwi goes to a brothel and says to the Madam, " get your best girl, she's in for a treat, I'm gonna give it to her Kiwi style!", The Madam being of worldly experience, takes the bait and says I take you, the Kiwi agrees, they get in the room, the kiwi throws the Madam onto her back on the bed jumps on and goes for it, 5 mins later he's finnished, the Madam says look mate I've done everything there is in sex and that was just missionary, hows that so different, Kiwi goes " Pay ya next week, Bro!"
 
L

Langtrees VIP Perth 2

A wife is looking in the mirror on Christmas Day...She's spent the past few weeks reminiscing about Christmas' past and today, she's left feeling her age... She says to her husband, lying in bed, as she ponders her reflexion... "Oh, I'm feeling so old right now, I'm feeling old and fat and wrinkly and just awful, really, really disgusting!...You know what I would really like for Christmas this year?'
Her husband rolls his eyes in response and in his sweetest voice replies "and what's that dear...?"
She answers " I would love you to pay me a compliment...an honest, heartfelt compliment..."
He thinks for a moment and replies, "ok...your eye sight is perfect for your age!"

Oh, and keep them coming Fudd! I loved your joke and just think that joke telling is an old art-form that is not revisited enough!
Let's bring it back? Laughter is the greatest medicine and a smile is the greatest gift, and it is supposed to be the season to be jolly after all?

Lol! Lisa xxx
 
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P

Peter

There was a Duck standing by the side of the road and a chicken walks up to him and says" don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it!!"
 
P

Peter

Had a sheila bashing on my door all night, got really pissed at the noise so I got up and let her out.
 
P

Peter

A travelling salesman stops at a country pub for a break and notices a large jar with thousands of dollars in it. He asks the barmaid what the jar is for, she explains that if you put $5 in the jar all you have to do to win the jar is make the donkey out the back laugh. In goes the $5 out the back goes the salesman, he whispers something in the donkey's ear and the donkey starts roaring with laughter. The salesman takes the jar and leaves. One year later the same salesman at the same pub, he notices the jar is on the bar full of money again, so he calls over the barmaid, who explains that since his last visit the donkey has not stopped laughing, so for $5 the test is to see who can make the donkey cry. So the salesman puts in the money goes out the back, within seconds the donkey is bawling his eyes out. Sot the barmaid asks how did you do it, he replies the first time I told the donkey my penis was bigger than his, this time I showed him!!!
 
P

Peter

JUST FOR CHRISTMAS When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
Happy2

Happy2

Legend Member
Points
22
Peter said:
JUST FOR CHRISTMAS When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Click to expand...
Thankyou Peter always good to learn where these old traditions start
 
antonov

antonov

Gold Member
Points
0
Some of you may have heard this on QI the other night:

What's the difference between a French Kiss and a Belgian Kiss?




A little Flem
 
F

Farm Boy

Fudd said:
Hi All,
I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.

Some of us may have had a brush with the law :police: on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice shiraz.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I’ve never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from…...

So be aware this festive season...... :)

Fudd :laughing4
Click to expand...

Excellent advice Fudd ,and I will give some too Link is broken so has been taken down
 
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Fudd

Fudd

Full Member
Foundation Member
Points
5
Farm Boy said:
Excellent advice Fudd, and I will give some too. Link is broken so has been taken down
Click to expand...

....excellent advice FB......but I learnt my lesson recently whilst riding my scooter and nearly ploughing straight into the back of a parked bus because my attention had been distracted by a lady of similar appearance.... :)
 
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Happy2

Happy2

Legend Member
Points
22
Fudd said:
....excellent advice FB......but I learnt my lesson recently whilst riding my scooter and nearly ploughing straight into the back of a parked bus because my attention had been distracted by a lady of similar appearance.... :)
Click to expand...

Similar appearance to your self Fudd or to the ladies in inappropriate shoes
 
Fudd

Fudd

Full Member
Foundation Member
Points
5
happy2 said:
Similar appearance to your self Fudd or to the ladies in inappropriate shoes
Click to expand...

....are you drinking metho now, H2????......of course to the ladies with the inappropriate shoes....if she had looked like me, I wouldn't have even given her a second glance....lol :)
 
Happy2

Happy2

Legend Member
Points
22
Fudd said:
....are you drinking metho now, H2????......of course to the ladies with the inappropriate shoes....if she had looked like me, I wouldn't have even given her a second glance....lol :)
Click to expand...

You sure Mr Fudd? If I saw a bald girl with a shotgun chasing a wascawally wabbit I would have had a second glance Anyway out of metho onto Hugo Boss. Now that has a kick
 
Demon

Demon

Legend Member
Points
0
Fudd said:
....are you drinking metho now, H2????......of course to the ladies with the inappropriate shoes....if she had looked like me, I wouldn't have even given her a second glance....lol :)
Click to expand...

Seeing a woman looking like Fudd would cause Fudd to have more than a second glance. It would be a major stare.

"I have found my lost twin sister" :la::la::la:

"I wonder if she is married, and I have nephews and nieces who also look like me"
 
P

Peter

A young couple were at the sex therapist's office asking why the zing has gone from their love making, the therapist advises that all is ok it is just the 1 year blues, it's when the ether wears off from getting married, the exitement fades. So he says to the couple you need to put some spontenaity back into your sex life, ie urge takes you - you take her, no matter where. Ok says the couple see you next month Doc. 1 month later the manis sitting the with a huge smile on his face and says to the therapist your a miracle worker. the therapist replies tell me about it and the man explains how he saw his wife dressed in a mini and low v neck top with no bra crutchless nickers and bending over to get something from the freezer, I had to do her there and then, so I raced up behind her and gave it to her good and proper, she was howling with delight, the woman giggles and says " It's the last ime we can shop at that Coles store."
 
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