A 5 minute chat last night with my partner..life changing.

[colbb123]

For a variety of reasons I've been pretty down, confused and stressed for about six months now. Although
I'm starting to feel like I'm getting some control over my life again now, there are still days where I'm pretty flat.
Since my partner and I got together (about 12 years ago) I've valued our ability to be the other's rock depending on who seemed to need one the most at any given time. Over the last six months I know she has been my rock a lot more often than I have hers. I'm grateful, fortunate and love her for all her support, however it has also added to my main issues over this time which are essentially confusion, depression and grief over my sense of worth and roles.

Anyway, in my mind I've been unmotivated, probably more irratible than normal and even in the times where I've been at the lowest of my lows just slept a lot (or not at all). Suicide...? not for me. I assumed my partner knew that this was about the level of where I was at................well you know what they say about being assuming.....it leads to assumptions and as I found out lastnight, my assumption was wrong.

My poor wife broke down in tears. I could tell she wanted to tell me what was wrong but was holding it back for some reason. After a little while, still in quite a state she began to tell me about how she worries everyday that I'm going to take my own life.

I was so glad she had told me as I was oblivious. I sat quietly listening to her but as I listened I was thinking (and praying pretty hard) for what I could say to reassure my partner that I have never been suicidal. There was a bit of silence after she stopped talking (apart from me saying ''I'm so glad you have told me this, I had no idea that you'd been feeling like this and it must be absolutely horrible. If I'm quiet for a bit it's just because I'm just thinking about what you've told me and I want to be able to say something that I honestly believe to be true").

A few minutes went by and I don't have a problem saying that I gave up on the thinking pretty quick and went straight for the praying......

.......CLARITY, not a glimmer but succint unmistakeable clarity! Thankyou!

I opened my eyes and went and sat down with my rock, looked her in the eyes and said this...

"For the many reasons I would never choose to end my own life, you can trust this one because you know I believe it to be a certainty. Assuming I am of sane mind, if I ever decided to end my life I would go to Hell, and Hell is so much worse than anything this life has, or ever will throw at me AND I would be there forever. For this reason, it is not an 'out'".

I wondered for a moment while waiting to if my comment would provide the reassurance I so desparately hoped it would or whether it would go the other way........

15 - 20 seconds later my amazing wife looked peaceful and as if her emotional weight, my emotional weight and my physical weight (bit of a belly) had been lifted.

It was an emotional moment for us both and I wanted to share it with you all for no particular reason. I realise it's a heavy topic and I hope I haven't a) upset anyone or b) appeared as though any of my beliefs should be anyone else's. Perhaps it was just inspiration after reading other posts recently about communication.....Don't know, doesn't really matter it done now lol

Well off to mow some more lawn while this awesome weather is still here.
Col

 

[Perth boy]

Thanks for sharing your emotional moment with us Col. You sound as if you have a great relationship with your partner. I have been through this some years ago and understand your pain but more your wonderful wifes. If you need someone to talk to PM me.
Try a forum called depression fall out.

 

[Shirazamatazz]

Thanks for sharing your emotional moment with us Col. You sound as if you have a great relationship with your partner. I have been through this some years ago and understand your pain but more your wonderful wifes. If you need someone to talk to PM me.
Try a forum called depression fall out.

There's some really good people on this forum! Well done to both Colbb and Perth Boy. Very nice too see.

 

[Tania Admin]

For a variety of reasons I've been pretty down, confused and stressed for about six months now. Although
I'm starting to feel like I'm getting some control over my life again now, there are still days where I'm pretty flat.
Since my partner and I got together (about 12 years ago) I've valued our ability to be the other's rock depending on who seemed to need one the most at any given time. Over the last six months I know she has been my rock a lot more often than I have hers. I'm grateful, fortunate and love her for all her support, however it has also added to my main issues over this time which are essentially confusion, depression and grief over my sense of worth and roles.

Anyway, in my mind I've been unmotivated, probably more irratible than normal and even in the times where I've been at the lowest of my lows just slept a lot (or not at all). Suicide...? not for me. I assumed my partner knew that this was about the level of where I was at................well you know what they say about being assuming.....it leads to assumptions and as I found out lastnight, my assumption was wrong.

My poor wife broke down in tears. I could tell she wanted to tell me what was wrong but was holding it back for some reason. After a little while, still in quite a state she began to tell me about how she worries everyday that I'm going to take my own life.

I was so glad she had told me as I was oblivious. I sat quietly listening to her but as I listened I was thinking (and praying pretty hard) for what I could say to reassure my partner that I have never been suicidal. There was a bit of silence after she stopped talking (apart from me saying ''I'm so glad you have told me this, I had no idea that you'd been feeling like this and it must be absolutely horrible. If I'm quiet for a bit it's just because I'm just thinking about what you've told me and I want to be able to say something that I honestly believe to be true").

A few minutes went by and I don't have a problem saying that I gave up on the thinking pretty quick and went straight for the praying......

.......CLARITY, not a glimmer but succint unmistakeable clarity! Thankyou!

I opened my eyes and went and sat down with my rock, looked her in the eyes and said this...

"For the many reasons I would never choose to end my own life, you can trust this one because you know I believe it to be a certainty. Assuming I am of sane mind, if I ever decided to end my life I would go to Hell, and Hell is so much worse than anything this life has, or ever will throw at me AND I would be there forever. For this reason, it is not an 'out'".

I wondered for a moment while waiting to if my comment would provide the reassurance I so desparately hoped it would or whether it would go the other way........

15 - 20 seconds later my amazing wife looked peaceful and as if her emotional weight, my emotional weight and my physical weight (bit of a belly) had been lifted.

It was an emotional moment for us both and I wanted to share it with you all for no particular reason. I realise it's a heavy topic and I hope I haven't a) upset anyone or b) appeared as though any of my beliefs should be anyone else's. Perhaps it was just inspiration after reading other posts recently about communication.....Don't know, doesn't really matter it done now lol

Well off to mow some more lawn while this awesome weather is still here.
Col

That awesome Col,,,I hope now you have both expelled your fears you can both move onwards and upwards,,I'm happy for you both

 

[Master Yoda]

Dude..... You're like a mind reader. You have no idea how close to home it feels to read some of what you wrote.

Thanks for sharing something so personal and emotional

 

[JasRob]

It shows that you really have a strong relationship wish me and my partner could have. And thanks for sharing it here it just reminds us its really inspirational...

 

[AlexandraSilk]

Colbb123 It's just wonderful you have your "rock" and you both care so deeply for one another.
It sounds as though you really are there for one another through the good times and the bad, through sickness and in health.

I wish you many more days of happiness together.

 

[billybones]

My late mother once had a nervous breakdown and I will always remember my tears of joy when she phoned me one day and said... Billy, it`s over I have found happiness again.

 

[Mrs Langtrees]

Amazing story, we all need our down times, so much fun when we break out of it.

 

[HotSexyBBW]

I have altered my original post as I felt what I had written was very personal and I felt exposed. I'm glad you have the support of each other Col.. Thanks x

 

[michael5139]

Amazing story, we all need our down times, so much fun when we break out of it.

No, we don't 'all need our down times'.
This is not a bit of a blue feeling, at least not for me or many, many others.
This is a soul destroying sense of purposeless and worthlessness that invades every single thing about a person.
Your comment cheapens the suffering of countless people and makes a mockery of the several hundred people who take their own lives every year.
Frankly I would have expected better from someone of your standing and experience.

 

[colbb123]

I think I understand your point Michael...depression is different to feeling a bit blue. One crucial thing that I have learned is how extremely difficult it is for someone who has never experienced depression to understand and therefore empathise with those who have. This also applies the other way though. For those of us that have experienced it, and certainly for those who live with severe clinical depression their whole lives, it is equally difficult to understand why everyone else doesn't 'get it'.

I'm fortunate, firstly, in the sense that while I do suffer bouts of depression, it is at least cyclical, and at it's worst on the heavy side of moderate. I see this as being fortunate when compared to others who, like you have mentioned have a chronically debilitating illness.

The second reason I feel fortunate is because my depression is cyclical I experience reasonably long periods (perhaps 6 - 9 months in a year) where I'm not depressed. The transitional period is subtle though and it is only after a month or two has gone by that I notice that I've been out of the dark cloud.

It's much different to feeling angry and hurt while having an argument with a spouse, to feeling completely different once the argument is resolved. The time frame is much shorter. (plus I don't personally view depression as being an emotion).

Anyway I'm trying to say that I understand why Maryanne's comments could be taken as dismissive of the extent to which depression can have on a person's life, but would just like to put forward the notion that if she has never experienced long term clinical depression herself, she is most likely to be completely unaware that her comment would have the effect it seems to have had on you. (benefit of the doubt, unintentional etc).

I'm not sure if any of that made sense, but I hope it was at least sort of clear
I'm glad you put your thoughts up on here as I think they are valid Michael

 

[weepingeye]

I'm so stoked to have made the small decision to read this thread. Good on you guys and girls. I don't believe it a false observation that even in our "enlightened" day and age men in this country still struggle with image association when it comes to talking about what's going on in our heads.

Just as appreciated as the original post, kudos to the replies and support - every bit as important.

We see this consideration quite a bit on this forum, some great humour, and we often have sex with each other!! haha. Yeah you people are alright.

 

[kingbo]

this is awesome,

I motion for this to be a sticky thread...

 

[outlaw01]

Life has a way throwing curve balls you just need to roll with the punches. Just remember life is for the living.

 

[Lord Spikey]

Hi Col

Just come upon this thread.

Man, that is a great story and Like Master Yoda said, it is so close to home. He probably doesn't realize it, but there are many of us who battle with depression at least some time through our lives. Your bouts sound quite debilitating and i can only imagine what you are your partner are going through. I myself, a few years ago almost reached a point of no return, but like you, I also have beliefs... and children.

One think that I noticed in what you have said and in my own experience is that it is cyclic. Do you remember the movie 'Parenthood", with Steve Martin? He had trouble understanding what his grandmother was saying in describing the two different ways of living life. On a merry-g-round, or on a roller-coaster. Well, it may be a hell of a ride, but give me the roller-coaster any day. Not an exact analogy, but you know what I am so badly trying to say.

I find that the highs are so much more appreciated and the lows don't last forever.

Col, only you know what you go through. We can only try to guess, empathize and be considerate and supportive. Your partner seems to provide all of this and more. She is one in a million. Hold onto her and try to enjoy the ride.

 

[TheGonz]

Like most things in life, communication is they key.