M
Mary Anne PA
SORRY, IT'S A BIT LONG, BUT INTERESTING.
Some men, especially younger ones, take the term "finger fucking" quite literally. They think that a woman's idea of a good time is having a man cram his fingers up her vagina. Other men attack a woman's clitoris as if it were a hydraulic pump, believing that the more they rub it the closer she gets to the big "O." (The only "O" she sometimes experiences is "OUCH!" rather than orgasm.)
The truth is, finger fucking is not something a man does to a woman, but something he does with a woman. It's all of him-his smile, kiss, laughter, strength, and tenderness focused in the ends of his fingers.
What follows is a great deal of information about pleasing a woman with your fingertips. Hopefully you will find some of this to be helpful, especially if you are able to leave your bulldozer behind and are willing to feel things with your fingers that maybe you've never felt before.
Coaching, Patience & Practice
"I had to learn how to touch her clit... I can remember being clumsy about it early on. She'd have to stop me -- I was going too fast, going too hard. I can remember her saying, 'You're in the wrong place.' Well, show me where. I mean physically, show me... Rub so I can see it. Okay, now I understand. Over time, I've learned where the places are. I can find them in the dark now. But early on I couldn't. I'd say, 'Okay, show me. Are you sure?' Other times she would take my hand, or my finger, and she would put it right exactly where it was supposed to be, and she'd move it the way she wanted me to move it, and she would apply pressure to the back of my fingers, the amount of pressure she wanted, until I got the hang of it, and then she would take her hand away. If I got out of sync or something, she'd put her hand back and show me until I got it right. A few weeks later I might need some re-education, so she'd show me again." From Harry Maurer's Sex: An Oral History, Viking, New York, New York, 1994.
A truly civilized way of learning how to get a woman off by hand is to make an agreement with her that she will provide lots of coaching and patience and you will provide an eager willingness to learn.
That's because hands that are used to throwing a baseball, digging with a shovel, or torquing down engine bolts tend to get a little frustrated when it comes to finessing a woman's genitals; and that's only part of it. There's the additional matter of knowing when to speed up, slow down, push harder, or stay your course. For instance, some women might prefer that guys stimulate them with a constant speed and rhythm as they are approaching orgasm. This might not make sense to a man, since when we masturbate we sometimes speed up as we get close to coming. Other women cherish variety. They will want your fingers to go slow, fast, soft, hard, and have more speeds than a Kenworth big rig, or Ferrari if you grew up on the rich side of town.
Differences In Attitude
The best thing you can do when it comes to giving a woman pleasure by hand is to forget everything you know about giving yourself pleasure by hand. Do not even think for a moment about stimulating her clitoris in the same way you do your penis.
With a penis, you can slap it, yank it, and nearly choke it to death, all it does is get harder. In fact, think of how you squeeze or wag it when you are finished peeing. Try approaching a clitoris with that kind of careless abandon, and you're likely to be a dead man.
When it comes to touching a woman's clit, assume that softer is better. Always err on the side of tenderness. Push just hard enough to move the skin back and forth over the shaft of the clitoris, assuming you can find the shaft of the clitoris. And don't even get near a clitoris until you've paid your respects to everything else down there.
In time, your lover may want you to be more vigorous. For instance, some women enjoy it if you put your fingers on the outside of the big lips and push all the way down so you can roll the entire vulva between your fingers. This is more like a deep-tissue massage of the entire crotch, but there can be a time and place for it if your lover's feedback is reliable and forthcoming.
Showing Instead Of Telling
Be aware that a woman's understanding of her own sexuality is sometimes on a body level and may have few words. Our society wants it that way and often teaches women from day one that they aren't supposed to tell men about their sexual needs. Getting all frustrated and yelling "Just tell me" does absolutely no good. She probably would if she could, but it's a little like asking someone to tell you the meaning of life. She may simply have to show you by putting her own hands over yours and guiding your fingers as they go. Or maybe she might say, "Please keep trying different ways--I'll let you know when it feels right" or "Maybe it wouldn't be so shy if you didn't press quite so hard..." or "Try it here."
One reason why feedback is so helpful is a woman might say "harder" when she actually means faster, or vice versa. And most guys make the mistake of thinking that if a little pressure feels good, a lot of pressure will send her through the ceiling. This is true, minus the metaphor. Guys also reason that if slow feels good, fast will feel even better. This kind of thinking is seriously flawed. If faster is what she wants, work together on establishing signals that will let you know.
Mix-ups will happen. You can get really frustrated, or you can view this as a cool learning curve. Besides, it's not like anybody's going to die or lose their job because you confused harder with faster!
Suggestion: A woman might try using her partner's fingers or penis to masturbate with. That way he'll get a good feel for the different kinds of speed and intensity that she likes, and how she wants the process to unfold.
Intrigue Along The Inseam
Men make a big mistake when they forget to give their fingers a sense of humor. Fingertips that tease and dance will find an especially warm welcome between a woman's legs. For instance, gently running your fingertips up and down a woman's inner thigh is about a zillion times more enticing than shoving your middle finger up her crotch. When she's ready to have your fingers inside of her, she will let you know in no uncertain terms, and even then it's sometimes wise to hold back and tease and play some more.
Finger fucking is definitely more effective if your fingertips are playful and melodic rather than serious or hyper.
Zen Boot Camp -- Learning Her Style
"It's not a dish of salted peanuts down there, don't just grab and hope for the best. It's very sensitive. Even the slightest movement can produce a reaction, good or bad." --female age 45
The latter part of this chapter is dedicated to special types of fingerplay that a woman probably doesn't use on herself when she masturbates. But first, it helps if you can learn how to stimulate her in the same way that she stimulates herself. (What if she doesn't masturbate? Then both of you can learn together.) With time, you will add your own special twists, but it's a big mistake to get fancy before you learn the basics -- her basics. Give yourself at least a month or three in finger-fucking boot camp with your sweetheart as master and you as grasshopper. If you have a partner, you might ask her to put a small red heart in parts of this chapter that speak to her nether regions. Here are a few suggestions that might be helpful:
Make sure there are no rough edges on your fingernails.
Sorry, but finger fucking does not necessarily mean pushing your finger in and out of your partner's vagina. For some it will, but others will want a more schooled approach.
When a woman masturbates, she often rests her wrist on her lower abdomen just above the pubic bone. If this is what your partner does, try to do the same, since it will definitely influence the way your fingers feel on her vulva.
Lie next to your partner and reach your arm over her body until your fingers are touching her crotch. This allows your fingers to approach her vulva in the same way that her own fingers do when she masturbates. Or try sitting like the couple on the previous page. The worst way to masturbate a woman is while sitting between her legs, facing her vulva. This can be a fine position to use for genital massage, which is discussed later, but it's ineffective if you are trying to imitate the way she touches herself.
Let the vulva come to you. Men who are more experienced at lovemaking often begin with light, gentle caresses that barely touch the inner thighs and pubic hair. They don't go much further until a woman's legs spread open and her pelvis begins to arch upward. They tease and caress until the lips of her vulva invite their fingers inside.
Too often, a man's focus is to get his fingers on a woman's clitoris or to go mining up her vagina. Never hesitate to interrupt a bout of clit-play by running your fingertips up and down her inner thigh, or by massaging her mons, gently pulling on her pubic hair or reaching down a little lower and giving her inner lips a gentle massage or tug. Predictability is the hobgoblin of finger fucking.
The tip of the clitoris is often more sensitive than any single part of the penis. You don't want the rough skin of your fingers rubbing across it. This is why some men gently push and pull on the clitoral hood and labia (lips). Using the inner lips as leverage can provide pleasing stimulation without painful friction. Also, the inner lips attach directly to the clitoral hood, so tugging on them can provide a level of stimulation that's just right for some women; not too rough and not too light.
When your partner masturbates does she like to dip her fingers inside her vagina? This is sometimes done to bring her natural lubrication up to the tip of the clitoris.
Does your partner use extra lubrication when she masturbates, such as saliva or KY? Never be shy about using extra lubrication, especially if you'll be at it for long periods of time.
When men try to masturbate women, they often use just one finger. However, when a woman does herself she might incorporate her wrist into the motion, even if only one finger is actually touching her vulva. This can be a subtle but important detail, and it may require practice.
Find out if your sweetheart has a favorite side of her clitoris or labia that she likes to stimulate. Be sure to follow her lead. This is a lousy time to be dyslexic!
There are women who enjoy being touched from behind, when they are lying on their stomach or on all fours or while leaning over something. You simply reach between her legs from behind. This changes the angle that your hand makes with her genitals. It's also a neat way to massage the roof of the vagina with your thumb!
You wouldn't be worth a darn as a basketball player if you didn't know how to use a backboard. The same can be said for a lover who doesn't know how to utilize his lady's pubic bone -- inside as well as out. It's a fine perch for a tired hand and offers all sorts of leverage when caressing a woman's genitals.
The mons pubis is the fleshy mound at the top of the vulva just above where the lips begin to open. It usually has hair on it. It's easy to ignore the mons and head straight for the clitoris, yet some women masturbate by putting moderate fingertip pressure on the mons and making a circular or back-and-forth motion with it. Your partner might want you to try this while the fingers of your other hand are rubbing her clit or stimulating the roof of her vagina. Some women enjoy it when a partner kneads the mons or taps on it with his fingertips.
There are women who might want you to pull back the hood of the clitoris. This will allow for much higher levels of stimulation. But for a lot of women, especially those with hypersensitive clits, this is a finger-fucking felony. If you are looking for amplification, it's much wiser to pull up on the mons with the fingers of one hand while gently tugging on the inner lips with the fingers of the other.
An excellent way to learn more about pleasing your partner is to rest your fingers over hers while she is masturbating herself. Then do the reverse, with her fingers acting as guides for your own. A woman shouldn't hesitate to take a man's fingers and put them exactly on those parts of her body where she likes to be touched. Most men will appreciate the assist!
Another advantage of having your arm resting across your partner's body is that it allows you to feel when she is tensing up, when her hips start to arch, and if her body begins to writhe or twitch as it sometimes does when highly aroused. These are important signals, because as a woman becomes more aroused she may need you to stimulate her in a different way. This is the lovemaking equivalent of learning how to type without looking at the keyboard.
When they masturbate, some women direct the stimulation to just one spot. Others might stimulate themselves in a more global way, tugging and pulling on the surface of the entire vulva. Plenty of women use a circular motion when rubbing their genitals, while others move a finger side-to-side or up and down like plucking at a guitar string.
You might try to achieve a certain tempo and rhythm as your fingers transverse the vulva. That way if she says "faster" or "slower," you'll have a point of reference to work from. While one woman might want you to maintain the same rhythm and hand motion from start to stop, another might need an array of tempos because she quickly habituates to the same finger motion and it loses its effect. Finding the right rhythm and tempo may feel awkward and be a challenge, but you will learn when to mix it up and when to stay your course. Helpful indicators include the little sounds she makes, changes in her breathing, the way her body moves--especially her hips and legs--changes in her vulva, and changes in her clitoris.
Does your partner like to have something inside of her when she comes? Your fingers, a dildo, etc.? Ask. Also, some women have sensitive spots inside their vaginas which they love to have stimulated with one hand while you do their clitoral hood with the other. Try doing the hood with whichever hand you use for writing, since it requires more fine motor skill than massaging a vagina. Simple pressure often works well in the vagina once you learn where to touch.
You never want to surprise a woman's vagina by suddenly shoving an entire finger into it. A more satisfying approach is to ease your finger in one joint at a time. For instance, once you get the signal that she wants your finger inside of her, slide it in as far as the joint that's between your fingernail and middle knuckle. Use it to make sensuous circles inside her vagina, gently tugging the tissue this way and that. After a while, she'll give you a cue to up the ante. Then glide your finger in a little further until you reach the middle knuckle. Stop and play some more. At that point, she might want it to go all the way in, or maybe she'll prefer the added fullness of a second finger. She might want you to do an in-out motion with your fingers, or maybe she'll want you to stimulate the roof of her vagina. Perhaps she'll want you to jiggle your hand or pull upward with it as your finger makes an "L", with the fingertip part inside her vagina and inner knuckle part pulling up against the shaft of her clitoris. There are many different options.
compliments of http://www.herdesires.net
Some men, especially younger ones, take the term "finger fucking" quite literally. They think that a woman's idea of a good time is having a man cram his fingers up her vagina. Other men attack a woman's clitoris as if it were a hydraulic pump, believing that the more they rub it the closer she gets to the big "O." (The only "O" she sometimes experiences is "OUCH!" rather than orgasm.)
The truth is, finger fucking is not something a man does to a woman, but something he does with a woman. It's all of him-his smile, kiss, laughter, strength, and tenderness focused in the ends of his fingers.
What follows is a great deal of information about pleasing a woman with your fingertips. Hopefully you will find some of this to be helpful, especially if you are able to leave your bulldozer behind and are willing to feel things with your fingers that maybe you've never felt before.
Coaching, Patience & Practice
"I had to learn how to touch her clit... I can remember being clumsy about it early on. She'd have to stop me -- I was going too fast, going too hard. I can remember her saying, 'You're in the wrong place.' Well, show me where. I mean physically, show me... Rub so I can see it. Okay, now I understand. Over time, I've learned where the places are. I can find them in the dark now. But early on I couldn't. I'd say, 'Okay, show me. Are you sure?' Other times she would take my hand, or my finger, and she would put it right exactly where it was supposed to be, and she'd move it the way she wanted me to move it, and she would apply pressure to the back of my fingers, the amount of pressure she wanted, until I got the hang of it, and then she would take her hand away. If I got out of sync or something, she'd put her hand back and show me until I got it right. A few weeks later I might need some re-education, so she'd show me again." From Harry Maurer's Sex: An Oral History, Viking, New York, New York, 1994.
A truly civilized way of learning how to get a woman off by hand is to make an agreement with her that she will provide lots of coaching and patience and you will provide an eager willingness to learn.
That's because hands that are used to throwing a baseball, digging with a shovel, or torquing down engine bolts tend to get a little frustrated when it comes to finessing a woman's genitals; and that's only part of it. There's the additional matter of knowing when to speed up, slow down, push harder, or stay your course. For instance, some women might prefer that guys stimulate them with a constant speed and rhythm as they are approaching orgasm. This might not make sense to a man, since when we masturbate we sometimes speed up as we get close to coming. Other women cherish variety. They will want your fingers to go slow, fast, soft, hard, and have more speeds than a Kenworth big rig, or Ferrari if you grew up on the rich side of town.
Differences In Attitude
The best thing you can do when it comes to giving a woman pleasure by hand is to forget everything you know about giving yourself pleasure by hand. Do not even think for a moment about stimulating her clitoris in the same way you do your penis.
With a penis, you can slap it, yank it, and nearly choke it to death, all it does is get harder. In fact, think of how you squeeze or wag it when you are finished peeing. Try approaching a clitoris with that kind of careless abandon, and you're likely to be a dead man.
When it comes to touching a woman's clit, assume that softer is better. Always err on the side of tenderness. Push just hard enough to move the skin back and forth over the shaft of the clitoris, assuming you can find the shaft of the clitoris. And don't even get near a clitoris until you've paid your respects to everything else down there.
In time, your lover may want you to be more vigorous. For instance, some women enjoy it if you put your fingers on the outside of the big lips and push all the way down so you can roll the entire vulva between your fingers. This is more like a deep-tissue massage of the entire crotch, but there can be a time and place for it if your lover's feedback is reliable and forthcoming.
Showing Instead Of Telling
Be aware that a woman's understanding of her own sexuality is sometimes on a body level and may have few words. Our society wants it that way and often teaches women from day one that they aren't supposed to tell men about their sexual needs. Getting all frustrated and yelling "Just tell me" does absolutely no good. She probably would if she could, but it's a little like asking someone to tell you the meaning of life. She may simply have to show you by putting her own hands over yours and guiding your fingers as they go. Or maybe she might say, "Please keep trying different ways--I'll let you know when it feels right" or "Maybe it wouldn't be so shy if you didn't press quite so hard..." or "Try it here."
One reason why feedback is so helpful is a woman might say "harder" when she actually means faster, or vice versa. And most guys make the mistake of thinking that if a little pressure feels good, a lot of pressure will send her through the ceiling. This is true, minus the metaphor. Guys also reason that if slow feels good, fast will feel even better. This kind of thinking is seriously flawed. If faster is what she wants, work together on establishing signals that will let you know.
Mix-ups will happen. You can get really frustrated, or you can view this as a cool learning curve. Besides, it's not like anybody's going to die or lose their job because you confused harder with faster!
Suggestion: A woman might try using her partner's fingers or penis to masturbate with. That way he'll get a good feel for the different kinds of speed and intensity that she likes, and how she wants the process to unfold.
Intrigue Along The Inseam
Men make a big mistake when they forget to give their fingers a sense of humor. Fingertips that tease and dance will find an especially warm welcome between a woman's legs. For instance, gently running your fingertips up and down a woman's inner thigh is about a zillion times more enticing than shoving your middle finger up her crotch. When she's ready to have your fingers inside of her, she will let you know in no uncertain terms, and even then it's sometimes wise to hold back and tease and play some more.
Finger fucking is definitely more effective if your fingertips are playful and melodic rather than serious or hyper.
Zen Boot Camp -- Learning Her Style
"It's not a dish of salted peanuts down there, don't just grab and hope for the best. It's very sensitive. Even the slightest movement can produce a reaction, good or bad." --female age 45
The latter part of this chapter is dedicated to special types of fingerplay that a woman probably doesn't use on herself when she masturbates. But first, it helps if you can learn how to stimulate her in the same way that she stimulates herself. (What if she doesn't masturbate? Then both of you can learn together.) With time, you will add your own special twists, but it's a big mistake to get fancy before you learn the basics -- her basics. Give yourself at least a month or three in finger-fucking boot camp with your sweetheart as master and you as grasshopper. If you have a partner, you might ask her to put a small red heart in parts of this chapter that speak to her nether regions. Here are a few suggestions that might be helpful:
Make sure there are no rough edges on your fingernails.
Sorry, but finger fucking does not necessarily mean pushing your finger in and out of your partner's vagina. For some it will, but others will want a more schooled approach.
When a woman masturbates, she often rests her wrist on her lower abdomen just above the pubic bone. If this is what your partner does, try to do the same, since it will definitely influence the way your fingers feel on her vulva.
Lie next to your partner and reach your arm over her body until your fingers are touching her crotch. This allows your fingers to approach her vulva in the same way that her own fingers do when she masturbates. Or try sitting like the couple on the previous page. The worst way to masturbate a woman is while sitting between her legs, facing her vulva. This can be a fine position to use for genital massage, which is discussed later, but it's ineffective if you are trying to imitate the way she touches herself.
Let the vulva come to you. Men who are more experienced at lovemaking often begin with light, gentle caresses that barely touch the inner thighs and pubic hair. They don't go much further until a woman's legs spread open and her pelvis begins to arch upward. They tease and caress until the lips of her vulva invite their fingers inside.
Too often, a man's focus is to get his fingers on a woman's clitoris or to go mining up her vagina. Never hesitate to interrupt a bout of clit-play by running your fingertips up and down her inner thigh, or by massaging her mons, gently pulling on her pubic hair or reaching down a little lower and giving her inner lips a gentle massage or tug. Predictability is the hobgoblin of finger fucking.
The tip of the clitoris is often more sensitive than any single part of the penis. You don't want the rough skin of your fingers rubbing across it. This is why some men gently push and pull on the clitoral hood and labia (lips). Using the inner lips as leverage can provide pleasing stimulation without painful friction. Also, the inner lips attach directly to the clitoral hood, so tugging on them can provide a level of stimulation that's just right for some women; not too rough and not too light.
When your partner masturbates does she like to dip her fingers inside her vagina? This is sometimes done to bring her natural lubrication up to the tip of the clitoris.
Does your partner use extra lubrication when she masturbates, such as saliva or KY? Never be shy about using extra lubrication, especially if you'll be at it for long periods of time.
When men try to masturbate women, they often use just one finger. However, when a woman does herself she might incorporate her wrist into the motion, even if only one finger is actually touching her vulva. This can be a subtle but important detail, and it may require practice.
Find out if your sweetheart has a favorite side of her clitoris or labia that she likes to stimulate. Be sure to follow her lead. This is a lousy time to be dyslexic!
There are women who enjoy being touched from behind, when they are lying on their stomach or on all fours or while leaning over something. You simply reach between her legs from behind. This changes the angle that your hand makes with her genitals. It's also a neat way to massage the roof of the vagina with your thumb!
You wouldn't be worth a darn as a basketball player if you didn't know how to use a backboard. The same can be said for a lover who doesn't know how to utilize his lady's pubic bone -- inside as well as out. It's a fine perch for a tired hand and offers all sorts of leverage when caressing a woman's genitals.
The mons pubis is the fleshy mound at the top of the vulva just above where the lips begin to open. It usually has hair on it. It's easy to ignore the mons and head straight for the clitoris, yet some women masturbate by putting moderate fingertip pressure on the mons and making a circular or back-and-forth motion with it. Your partner might want you to try this while the fingers of your other hand are rubbing her clit or stimulating the roof of her vagina. Some women enjoy it when a partner kneads the mons or taps on it with his fingertips.
There are women who might want you to pull back the hood of the clitoris. This will allow for much higher levels of stimulation. But for a lot of women, especially those with hypersensitive clits, this is a finger-fucking felony. If you are looking for amplification, it's much wiser to pull up on the mons with the fingers of one hand while gently tugging on the inner lips with the fingers of the other.
An excellent way to learn more about pleasing your partner is to rest your fingers over hers while she is masturbating herself. Then do the reverse, with her fingers acting as guides for your own. A woman shouldn't hesitate to take a man's fingers and put them exactly on those parts of her body where she likes to be touched. Most men will appreciate the assist!
Another advantage of having your arm resting across your partner's body is that it allows you to feel when she is tensing up, when her hips start to arch, and if her body begins to writhe or twitch as it sometimes does when highly aroused. These are important signals, because as a woman becomes more aroused she may need you to stimulate her in a different way. This is the lovemaking equivalent of learning how to type without looking at the keyboard.
When they masturbate, some women direct the stimulation to just one spot. Others might stimulate themselves in a more global way, tugging and pulling on the surface of the entire vulva. Plenty of women use a circular motion when rubbing their genitals, while others move a finger side-to-side or up and down like plucking at a guitar string.
You might try to achieve a certain tempo and rhythm as your fingers transverse the vulva. That way if she says "faster" or "slower," you'll have a point of reference to work from. While one woman might want you to maintain the same rhythm and hand motion from start to stop, another might need an array of tempos because she quickly habituates to the same finger motion and it loses its effect. Finding the right rhythm and tempo may feel awkward and be a challenge, but you will learn when to mix it up and when to stay your course. Helpful indicators include the little sounds she makes, changes in her breathing, the way her body moves--especially her hips and legs--changes in her vulva, and changes in her clitoris.
Does your partner like to have something inside of her when she comes? Your fingers, a dildo, etc.? Ask. Also, some women have sensitive spots inside their vaginas which they love to have stimulated with one hand while you do their clitoral hood with the other. Try doing the hood with whichever hand you use for writing, since it requires more fine motor skill than massaging a vagina. Simple pressure often works well in the vagina once you learn where to touch.
You never want to surprise a woman's vagina by suddenly shoving an entire finger into it. A more satisfying approach is to ease your finger in one joint at a time. For instance, once you get the signal that she wants your finger inside of her, slide it in as far as the joint that's between your fingernail and middle knuckle. Use it to make sensuous circles inside her vagina, gently tugging the tissue this way and that. After a while, she'll give you a cue to up the ante. Then glide your finger in a little further until you reach the middle knuckle. Stop and play some more. At that point, she might want it to go all the way in, or maybe she'll prefer the added fullness of a second finger. She might want you to do an in-out motion with your fingers, or maybe she'll want you to stimulate the roof of her vagina. Perhaps she'll want you to jiggle your hand or pull upward with it as your finger makes an "L", with the fingertip part inside her vagina and inner knuckle part pulling up against the shaft of her clitoris. There are many different options.
compliments of http://www.herdesires.net
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